Less than a week after the diagnosis, we headed with Precious to the nearby University Hospital to meet the specialist. We went again a month or so later, so the visits are blurry in my head. But they boil down to the same things!
I really, really like the specialist. She's young, with 3 children, the youngest of whom is only a few weeks older than Precious. She was empathetic to me--especially around the area of breastfeeding. She gets it--from both sides, the mommy desire to nurse but also the difficulty it is for babies with clefts.
She made it clear that she didn't want to discourage breastfeeding, but it is really so hard for babies. A normal feeding should never take longer than a 1/2 hour, otherwise Precious burns more calories than necessary for optimal growth. So, she said, if we want to keep breastfeeding by all means do so. BUT, if it takes, say 20 minutes to take a 4 oz. bottle, nurse for 10 minutes and then do the bottle. AND, when there are times it is clearly for comfort, let Precious nurse as much as she wants--if she's not hungry, she'll do what she needs to do and can control how much she is really working. How that's working out will be its own post....
We thought it was only the soft palate, but she indicated that it also is the edge of the hard. Still, probably one of the least severe type of cleft.
Precious will need surgery for sure--at least one. This will be when she is 12-15 months old. That's the optimal time. Big enough to handle surgery well and young enough that most language isn't developed. Depending on how the surgery goes and how speech develops, she may need speech therapy and/or another surgery later down the line. By the time of the surgery, she will need to be weaned from any 'sucking' things--pacifiers, bottles, straws, etc. (She can still, of course, have breastmilk--just not from anything she needs to suck!) After the surgery, they don't want her sucking because it could rip the stitches out. And, for 3 weeks, we'll have to put her arms in splints at the elbow so they can't bend. No chance to get her hands in her mouth if she can't bend her arms! We think she'd be a pacifier baby if we let her, unlike Baby Girl who never liked one, but we aren't even going to introduce one. Precious does some sucking on her fingers, but often makes sucking sounds even without anything in her mouth. Can't do anything about that I guess!
The big goal was to get her up on the growth chart by the second visit with nutrition coming from formula or breastmilk or both. We did it! We did about 1/2 formula and 1/2 breastmilk for much of that time in order to bulk up calories as we knew how much the formula had. The doctor was pleased with her progress and said we might be able to consider surgery earlier, but we'll decide for sure at our next visit which is in January (unless we have concerns before then).
Precious will be more prone to ear infections and fluid build-up in the ears because they can't/won't drain right. But tubes for kids and ear infections aren't that unusual. I'm hopeful she will be like her sister though and not have many!
The specialist had also told our regular doctor that she was impressed with how little weight Precious had lost in that month pre-diagnosis. Precious had worked hard! And now we just treat her like a baby--do all the 'normal' things at the 'normal' times. She did warn us that solid food will be messy! Precious will have to learn how to use her tongue to force the food down the right way--and until she does, food will come out her nose. When she does spit up now (rare though it is), it comes out her nose. I'm glad she told me--I think I would have freaked out to see peas coming out her nose! And when you look at an image of how the body is made, it makes sense. The cleft opens up her sinuses so instead of food going down, it goes up.
All in all, things are good. It's good to know what's coming, to have time to prepare. And to not have concern about Precious' growth cloud every waking moment.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Thursday, July 28, 2011
By the Numbers
3 towns
3 houses
6 vehicles
8 jobs
2 Master's Degrees
2 babies
10 years!
The numbers don't contain the stories--in fact, I had to really think about some of them. But they point to something--our life together as it changes and as it stays the same. Sometimes it feels like forever and other times just like yesterday that we celebrated and headed out for our corn field honeymoon! Happy Anniversary Hubby!
(Visits to the specialist for Precious will come next time I post!)
3 houses
6 vehicles
8 jobs
2 Master's Degrees
2 babies
10 years!
The numbers don't contain the stories--in fact, I had to really think about some of them. But they point to something--our life together as it changes and as it stays the same. Sometimes it feels like forever and other times just like yesterday that we celebrated and headed out for our corn field honeymoon! Happy Anniversary Hubby!
(Visits to the specialist for Precious will come next time I post!)
Tuesday, July 05, 2011
Answers
If you haven't read the last three or four posts--you might want to. It'll help explain a lot!
May 31 ~ Baby Girl's third birthday. Precious and I head to her doctor's appointment. The nurse who weighed her last week (and had me change the diaper) weighed her in. 6 lbs 14 oz. She asked what she weighed last week--6 lbs 14 oz to 7 lbs--depends on which weigh-in. Tears began to stream down my cheeks as I carried Precious to the exam room and waited for the doctor. We were trying so hard--how could she not be gaining weight?
The doctor came in and asked all the usual questions, washed her hands, and stuck her finger in Precious' mouth once again. Weak suck--we know. The doctor said, "I'm going to have to make her mad and get her mouth open really wide." And she did--and therein lied the answer.
A cleft palate--the soft palate in the back. Precious physically cannot make the suction she needs to effectively nurse (or even do well with the slow-flow nipples I have which Baby Girl used because that's what breastfed babies should use because they are most like breastfeeding). The doctor looked at me and I was crying--but relieved. She hugged me and apologized (numerous times) for not catching it sooner. Apparently it's really hard to see that far back unless the baby is really mad and she hates to make them mad--and also because the tongue takes up so much of the baby's mouth. The doctor felt so badly that it had been so hard on me and that it had been hard on Precious too. Precious had spent the first month of her life working so hard for every calorie she took in--she spent most of them trying to get the food in.
The doctor referred us to a specialist at nearby university hospital, one of the best in the region. That visit comes later. But now is the beginning of answers. Until we can get to the specialist, the plan is to nurse as we have been and then follow each feeding with an ounce of formula--in a new bottle--anything that Precious doesn't have to work so hard for. The doctor said 'get a bigger nipple.' Do you know how many options there are? I went to the store and looked bewildered in the bottle aisle. And randomly picked one because I had a sample of the bottle it fit at home, a sample I had gotten with Baby Girl and never used. As good a reason as any. The salesperson who tried to help me looked from me to Precious and said, "Are you sure the doctor really means for you to get a fast-flow nipple?" Yes--in fact she does; we don't want her to have to work so hard to eat.
We could look back and say, we should have known--I remember commenting that Precious doesn't have a uvula (that little hangy down thing in your throat). But I didn't say anthing--I thought maybe babies didn't have them at first. Well--that opening that I thought was missing the uvula and was the throat--that is Precious' palate--the uvula is split and that's where the cleft is. Her throat is farther back. But we aren't saying that--because there are too many blessings.
Blessing--I have LOTS of milk--supply is not an issue.
Blessing--I have an easy and quick let-down. Precious starts to cry and there is milk for her; she didn't have to suck and suck to get milk coming (though it was still hard).
Blessing--my mom lives in my town now and could be with Baby Girl when I spent hours and hours nursing Precious.
Blessing--we did have lots of nursing bonding time, even though that is now dwindling.
Blessing--this is not life-threatening (for me/us here and now--it could be in other places and certainly in past times)
Blessing--an excellent university hosptial only an hour away with specialists who deal with this all the time
Blessing--Precious is one tough girl; she's a fighter in a good way.
Blessing--a specialist that I really like upon first visit (for another post)
Blessing--answers.
May 31 ~ Baby Girl's third birthday. Precious and I head to her doctor's appointment. The nurse who weighed her last week (and had me change the diaper) weighed her in. 6 lbs 14 oz. She asked what she weighed last week--6 lbs 14 oz to 7 lbs--depends on which weigh-in. Tears began to stream down my cheeks as I carried Precious to the exam room and waited for the doctor. We were trying so hard--how could she not be gaining weight?
The doctor came in and asked all the usual questions, washed her hands, and stuck her finger in Precious' mouth once again. Weak suck--we know. The doctor said, "I'm going to have to make her mad and get her mouth open really wide." And she did--and therein lied the answer.
A cleft palate--the soft palate in the back. Precious physically cannot make the suction she needs to effectively nurse (or even do well with the slow-flow nipples I have which Baby Girl used because that's what breastfed babies should use because they are most like breastfeeding). The doctor looked at me and I was crying--but relieved. She hugged me and apologized (numerous times) for not catching it sooner. Apparently it's really hard to see that far back unless the baby is really mad and she hates to make them mad--and also because the tongue takes up so much of the baby's mouth. The doctor felt so badly that it had been so hard on me and that it had been hard on Precious too. Precious had spent the first month of her life working so hard for every calorie she took in--she spent most of them trying to get the food in.
The doctor referred us to a specialist at nearby university hospital, one of the best in the region. That visit comes later. But now is the beginning of answers. Until we can get to the specialist, the plan is to nurse as we have been and then follow each feeding with an ounce of formula--in a new bottle--anything that Precious doesn't have to work so hard for. The doctor said 'get a bigger nipple.' Do you know how many options there are? I went to the store and looked bewildered in the bottle aisle. And randomly picked one because I had a sample of the bottle it fit at home, a sample I had gotten with Baby Girl and never used. As good a reason as any. The salesperson who tried to help me looked from me to Precious and said, "Are you sure the doctor really means for you to get a fast-flow nipple?" Yes--in fact she does; we don't want her to have to work so hard to eat.
We could look back and say, we should have known--I remember commenting that Precious doesn't have a uvula (that little hangy down thing in your throat). But I didn't say anthing--I thought maybe babies didn't have them at first. Well--that opening that I thought was missing the uvula and was the throat--that is Precious' palate--the uvula is split and that's where the cleft is. Her throat is farther back. But we aren't saying that--because there are too many blessings.
Blessing--I have LOTS of milk--supply is not an issue.
Blessing--I have an easy and quick let-down. Precious starts to cry and there is milk for her; she didn't have to suck and suck to get milk coming (though it was still hard).
Blessing--my mom lives in my town now and could be with Baby Girl when I spent hours and hours nursing Precious.
Blessing--we did have lots of nursing bonding time, even though that is now dwindling.
Blessing--this is not life-threatening (for me/us here and now--it could be in other places and certainly in past times)
Blessing--an excellent university hosptial only an hour away with specialists who deal with this all the time
Blessing--Precious is one tough girl; she's a fighter in a good way.
Blessing--a specialist that I really like upon first visit (for another post)
Blessing--answers.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Short Update
The week was better. Precious was still mellow, but waking up on her own every 3-4 hours to eat. She'd nurse 40 minutes to an hour sometimes; we had gone back to using the nipple shield all the time because it seemed to help. She still 'clucked' but it didn't seem as bad. She looked like she was filling out, growing more hair, and getting longer. She was definitely awake more, more alert when she was awake, and peeing and pooping appropriately.
At the doctor's appointment--7 lbs. No gain--no loss, but no gain. She was hungry so I nursed her and the doctor wanted to weigh her after that again. But she wet her diaper and the nurse had me change it--I tried to argue with her, but wasn't adamant enough. After eating (and the diaper change), her weight was 6 lbs 14 oz. The doctor said, "that can't be right..." And told the nurse we should have left the diaper on wet. The nurse did say I tried to tell her that.
The plan--come back next week. In the meantime, continue the 3 oz of supplementing. Pump after each feeding to empty my breasts and keep up supply.
It was still really tough--I shed plenty of tears. And tried not to feel like a bad mommy.
The next week, we had answers--that's for another post.
At the doctor's appointment--7 lbs. No gain--no loss, but no gain. She was hungry so I nursed her and the doctor wanted to weigh her after that again. But she wet her diaper and the nurse had me change it--I tried to argue with her, but wasn't adamant enough. After eating (and the diaper change), her weight was 6 lbs 14 oz. The doctor said, "that can't be right..." And told the nurse we should have left the diaper on wet. The nurse did say I tried to tell her that.
The plan--come back next week. In the meantime, continue the 3 oz of supplementing. Pump after each feeding to empty my breasts and keep up supply.
It was still really tough--I shed plenty of tears. And tried not to feel like a bad mommy.
The next week, we had answers--that's for another post.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Kick Me While I'm Down
The weekend was mellow--too mellow. Precious slept a lot--way too much. We'd try to wake her up to eat. Seriously, we'd try everything--getting her naked, holding her, laying her down, trying to force her mouth open on my breast, using a bottle and squeezing milk into it. Eventually she'd wake up, but sometimes after 6 hours, at least 2 of which was spent trying to get her up. I knew she wasn't eating enough, but she wasn't complaining about it. And we certainly tried.
My mom kept saying, "Maybe she'll just be a bottle baby." Not helpful. I don't know if she was trying to make herself feel better or me. I know that she was disappointed that due to her health issues wasn't able to nurse my sister or me. I wasn't ready to hear that--it hurt too much. I love to nurse my babies...love, love, love it. I know it's not for everyone--and I'm not anti-formula. But I'm good at breastfeeding. Baby Girl was weaned at 15 months; early on in this pregnancy, when I was still not thrilled about being pregnant, my thoughts were that at least I'd be able to nurse again. I had even decided that I'd try to nurse even longer, not be so quick to wean. (Because Baby Girl's weaning was on my timetable, not hers--though she didn't object at all.) I wanted a breastfed baby; I wanted it for Precious AND for me. I admit it; I wanted it for me. I didn't mind not sharing feeding time with anyone else. That was my special thing--the thing only Mommy can do.
Monday at the doctor, Precious weighed....7 lbs. No weight gain at all, none. Now I realize the doctor hid her worry well, but said she wanted another blood test to check thyroid levels and for signs of infection. In the meantime, though, she said continue supplementing with the formula as we had been.
But then she gives me the paperwork to take to the lab which orders the blood test. Diagnosis -- failure to thrive. I just about lost it. Way to make an already weepy, hormonal, worried, upset post-partum mommy feel like shit. No, no, no...failure to thrive, that's what happens to babies in orphanages in third world countries who have no one to love them or babies in traumatic situations like following earthquakes where everyone has so little. My precious girl has more than enough love shown to her, she's loved and cuddled and snuggled and loved some more. There's plenty of milk (and formula too) here for the taking. There's enough. She needs to thrive--I'm not a bad mama; I'm doing my best--but it's not good enough. If it was, she'd be gaining weight. And I do intellectually know that 'failure to thrive' is a medical diagnosis, not about me--and I know my doctor cares because she didn't SAY those words to me. But it's tough, watching your baby scream as they draw a vial of blood from her heel. And then even better, since this was the same lab where they had last drawn to check bilirubin levels, they did that test not the correct one. We were on the way home when they called me to say they realized it. Thankfully I had made a stop, so we were still in the same town. So they had to draw blood again--3 vials full from her itty-bitty heel.
Test results--no sign of infection, no thyroid problems. Keep up the supplementing. Come back in a week.
To be continued...
My mom kept saying, "Maybe she'll just be a bottle baby." Not helpful. I don't know if she was trying to make herself feel better or me. I know that she was disappointed that due to her health issues wasn't able to nurse my sister or me. I wasn't ready to hear that--it hurt too much. I love to nurse my babies...love, love, love it. I know it's not for everyone--and I'm not anti-formula. But I'm good at breastfeeding. Baby Girl was weaned at 15 months; early on in this pregnancy, when I was still not thrilled about being pregnant, my thoughts were that at least I'd be able to nurse again. I had even decided that I'd try to nurse even longer, not be so quick to wean. (Because Baby Girl's weaning was on my timetable, not hers--though she didn't object at all.) I wanted a breastfed baby; I wanted it for Precious AND for me. I admit it; I wanted it for me. I didn't mind not sharing feeding time with anyone else. That was my special thing--the thing only Mommy can do.
Monday at the doctor, Precious weighed....7 lbs. No weight gain at all, none. Now I realize the doctor hid her worry well, but said she wanted another blood test to check thyroid levels and for signs of infection. In the meantime, though, she said continue supplementing with the formula as we had been.
But then she gives me the paperwork to take to the lab which orders the blood test. Diagnosis -- failure to thrive. I just about lost it. Way to make an already weepy, hormonal, worried, upset post-partum mommy feel like shit. No, no, no...failure to thrive, that's what happens to babies in orphanages in third world countries who have no one to love them or babies in traumatic situations like following earthquakes where everyone has so little. My precious girl has more than enough love shown to her, she's loved and cuddled and snuggled and loved some more. There's plenty of milk (and formula too) here for the taking. There's enough. She needs to thrive--I'm not a bad mama; I'm doing my best--but it's not good enough. If it was, she'd be gaining weight. And I do intellectually know that 'failure to thrive' is a medical diagnosis, not about me--and I know my doctor cares because she didn't SAY those words to me. But it's tough, watching your baby scream as they draw a vial of blood from her heel. And then even better, since this was the same lab where they had last drawn to check bilirubin levels, they did that test not the correct one. We were on the way home when they called me to say they realized it. Thankfully I had made a stop, so we were still in the same town. So they had to draw blood again--3 vials full from her itty-bitty heel.
Test results--no sign of infection, no thyroid problems. Keep up the supplementing. Come back in a week.
To be continued...
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
The Blue Bandit
Precious weighed in at 7 lb 6 oz on Thursday night. We were released from the hospital on Friday. She was looking a bit jaundiced, but not horribly so. This isn't unusual for newborns--Baby Girl was too. The doctor wanted to see her early the next week, so we made an appointment for Monday but said to call sooner if she started to look more yellow, particularly in the whites of her eyes.
Precious seemed to do fairly well over the weekend. She didn't nurse great, though it was clear to me that my milk was in. Even in the hospital she made a 'clucking' sound when she tried to nurse. I could tell that her latch wasn't great; I nursed Baby Girl for 15 months--I knew a good latch. We tried with a nipple shield and without and it didn't seem to make much difference. But she wasn't getting enough--I knew--she wasn't peeing or pooping as much as she should. She was getting some--I could tell by how my breasts felt.
Monday morning we went to the doctor and she was down to 7 lbs. Babies all lose some of birth weight but this amount was on the low edge of normal. Doctor wasn't too concerned about that--but Precious was definitely jaundiced. We had to go to a lab for a blood test to find out the level. (Aside--do you know how they draw blood from babies? They stick their heel and then bend their foot and squeeze numerous times to fill a vial. It's sometimes hard to watch as they scream the whole time--except this time Precious was a trooper and didn't cry at all after the first stick!) We drove our 40 minutes back home. She really was mellow--hardly cried at all--ever.
The lab results indicated a high level and so she needed to use a bilirubin blanket--a special therapy device. Which no one in our town has. Hubby thought he'd have to drive back, but the doctor found a way to get this device to us. A bilrubin blanket has a machine that kind of looks like a slide or LCD projector with a bright light bulb. The light shines into a hose that attaches to a flexible flat thing and projects blue light. This flat thing is to be wrapped around the baby's torso (unclothed). The light therapy helps break down the bilirubin in the blood so that it can be excreted. A baby's liver can't keep up with that level at that age. Also, the doctor said to supplement with formula (1 oz, 3 times daily). I really hated to use the Supplemental Nursing System that I used with Baby Girl because it's a pain, but we did. Sometimes we used bottles too--but that also took forever. Precious just wouldn't latch right--to me or a bottle. And we wrapped her in this blanket which made her glow blue in the night. Hubby started calling her the Blue Bandit.
In theory, when wearing the blanket, you can do everything with the baby except bathe them. In reality, with the hose attached that is nearly impossible. For the most part, we left her laying down except to feed her. That broke my heart, not to be able to hold her and snuggle her--or give her the food she needed to beat the jaundice. I would cry and cry when I did hold her and try to feed her. Once I looked at her laying there all alone wrapped up and her eyes were heavy and she just looked sad to me. Hubby tried to make me feel better, but he couldn't. I was so worried about her.
I just wanted to snuggle with her, to hold her close and protect her, to feed her, to take care of her and love her. But I knew keeping her wrapped in the blanket was best. We were supposed to leave it on and then have her blood tested again on Wednesday afternoon.
We were able to have her blood tested in our town. Those results were fine! She was no longer in the danger area for jaundice. But the doctor still wanted to see her the following Monday.
Precious seemed to do fairly well over the weekend. She didn't nurse great, though it was clear to me that my milk was in. Even in the hospital she made a 'clucking' sound when she tried to nurse. I could tell that her latch wasn't great; I nursed Baby Girl for 15 months--I knew a good latch. We tried with a nipple shield and without and it didn't seem to make much difference. But she wasn't getting enough--I knew--she wasn't peeing or pooping as much as she should. She was getting some--I could tell by how my breasts felt.
Monday morning we went to the doctor and she was down to 7 lbs. Babies all lose some of birth weight but this amount was on the low edge of normal. Doctor wasn't too concerned about that--but Precious was definitely jaundiced. We had to go to a lab for a blood test to find out the level. (Aside--do you know how they draw blood from babies? They stick their heel and then bend their foot and squeeze numerous times to fill a vial. It's sometimes hard to watch as they scream the whole time--except this time Precious was a trooper and didn't cry at all after the first stick!) We drove our 40 minutes back home. She really was mellow--hardly cried at all--ever.
The lab results indicated a high level and so she needed to use a bilirubin blanket--a special therapy device. Which no one in our town has. Hubby thought he'd have to drive back, but the doctor found a way to get this device to us. A bilrubin blanket has a machine that kind of looks like a slide or LCD projector with a bright light bulb. The light shines into a hose that attaches to a flexible flat thing and projects blue light. This flat thing is to be wrapped around the baby's torso (unclothed). The light therapy helps break down the bilirubin in the blood so that it can be excreted. A baby's liver can't keep up with that level at that age. Also, the doctor said to supplement with formula (1 oz, 3 times daily). I really hated to use the Supplemental Nursing System that I used with Baby Girl because it's a pain, but we did. Sometimes we used bottles too--but that also took forever. Precious just wouldn't latch right--to me or a bottle. And we wrapped her in this blanket which made her glow blue in the night. Hubby started calling her the Blue Bandit.
In theory, when wearing the blanket, you can do everything with the baby except bathe them. In reality, with the hose attached that is nearly impossible. For the most part, we left her laying down except to feed her. That broke my heart, not to be able to hold her and snuggle her--or give her the food she needed to beat the jaundice. I would cry and cry when I did hold her and try to feed her. Once I looked at her laying there all alone wrapped up and her eyes were heavy and she just looked sad to me. Hubby tried to make me feel better, but he couldn't. I was so worried about her.
I just wanted to snuggle with her, to hold her close and protect her, to feed her, to take care of her and love her. But I knew keeping her wrapped in the blanket was best. We were supposed to leave it on and then have her blood tested again on Wednesday afternoon.
We were able to have her blood tested in our town. Those results were fine! She was no longer in the danger area for jaundice. But the doctor still wanted to see her the following Monday.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Time...
It's time to write at least some of the posts that have been written in my head over the last six weeks, so here goes...
I've decided on a blog name for the newest one in my family--Precious. Baby Girl may just have turned 3, but she is my Baby Girl and always will be. Though this little one is also technically my baby girl, it's just not the same. Baby Girl made me a mommy. And it seems a bit wrong to use an adjective for one of them and not the other, but over these six weeks, I've found myself calling this little one "Precious" so many times, just as I found myself calling Baby Girl "Baby Girl" when she was tiny. They are both precious and they are both baby girls. And as far as blog names, this is just how it's going to be.
So, now the story of Precious' birth.
Week 36 ~ Doctor usually does a cervix check at this appointment, but as it was Holy Week and she knew how badly I didn't want Precious born before Easter, she waited so as not to stimulate anything!
Week 37 ~ Dilated 3 cm, I had had a few contractions, but nothing real serious, nothing consistent or time-able.
Week 38, 1 day ~ times are approximate
9 a.m. appointment ~ dilated 3.5 cm, doctor says that my amniotic sac is really really low and that she is pretty sure I was having a contraction while she was checking me. She wants to monitor me for a while before letting me leave. (Reminder--I live 40 minutes from doctor/hospital city--she doesn't want me on the road!)
10 a.m. ~ hear hubby in waiting room as I'm being monitored. This is one of the week days that he works in doctor/hospital city. He was late into town following a meeting and knew my appointment should just be ending so had stopped by to check on me. He wondered why I wasn't out yet. I was having contractions every 4 minutes, feeling some of them. Doctor says to go walk a few hours, have something to eat, and come back.
We do. We go to the mall and walk it. We never have time together like this. We go to one of our favorite lunch places. I have contraband caffeine (I love cherry pepsi!) with lunch, deciding that if I'm in labor, I can have it! I am having regular contractions--I don't feel all of them if they are really 4 minutes apart and they aren't horrible, but I am sure we aren't headed home today!
1:30 p.m. ~ We go back to the doctor. I'm dilated 4 cm and after being monitored, I'm still having contractions every 4 minutes or so. She sends me to the hospital. We take both our vehicles there, knowing that when hubby's parents come to see new baby, one of them will drive his home. He's a bit worried, but it's only a drive of a few minutes.
2 p.m. ~ Check-in at hospital. During registration, we start process and it's moving slowly. They get to the question of why I'm there, I say..."I'm in labor" and they start to panic and try to rush. "Are you okay? Do you need to go right up?" No, I'm okay. I'm certainly feeling contractions, but no big deal. We do get into triage, I change into the gown and we wait....and wait...
3 p.m. ~ Nurse finally comes back. Another woman had come in and hadn't felt baby move and so triage nurse finds baby heartbeat, etc. to comfort the mom before coming back to me. As she checks me, my water breaks all over. And I mean, all over! Triage nurse jumps and manages to avoid most of it. "Well," she said, "you are being admitted for sure now!"
During this time, we get to our labor room. I'm monitored a bit, we walk. Contractions start to be ones that stop me so that I can't walk through them anymore. We call my mom to let her know that Baby Girl will be having a "campover" at her house that night. We tell her we'll call her when baby comes but that they should plan to wait until morning to come see us.
5 p.m. ~ By now I've decided to stay in bed because that really is the most comfortable as I breathe through contractions. Doctor comes to check on me. I'm dilated 8 cm. She asks if I want to push. I say no. Doctor says she isn't leaving, but she'll go and change into her scrubs. Next contraction, I think..."pushing might not be bad idea." Doctor comes back and I tell her.
5:40 p.m. ~ I start pushing. It's very different than with Baby Girl--in a good way. It hurts differently. I don't have pitocin-induced contractions on top of one another; I get a break between contractions. I know I scream when I'm pushing at different times. I have hubby's shirt in my hand twisted and tightened. He's putting cold washcloths on my head and neck. I'm grateful not to have an oxygen mask that made me feel like I couldn't breathe. (I know--that's backwards, but it's how I felt!) No tearing, nothing.
5:55 p.m. ~ Precious is laid on my tummy. I look at her beautiful body and smile. They take her to wash her and I'm pretty sure they said her Apgar's were 9/9. I remember thinking that they were better than Baby Girl's whose were 8/9. Deliver placenta--and actually look at it. It's pretty amazing and much bigger than I pictured. I'm glad I looked even if it was gross. I watch them clean and weigh Precious and check her over. I feel great! Even better after a shower.
I'm making calls shortly after to announce her birth. She's beautiful and I feel amazing. It's a surprise how much easier this was. With no drugs, no IV, no tearing, I feel incredible. I can't believe that I just gave birth. Thank God for that for so many reasons. Because if I had known what the weeks to come would bring, I'm not sure I'd have been able to handle them having to recover from labor too.
I've decided on a blog name for the newest one in my family--Precious. Baby Girl may just have turned 3, but she is my Baby Girl and always will be. Though this little one is also technically my baby girl, it's just not the same. Baby Girl made me a mommy. And it seems a bit wrong to use an adjective for one of them and not the other, but over these six weeks, I've found myself calling this little one "Precious" so many times, just as I found myself calling Baby Girl "Baby Girl" when she was tiny. They are both precious and they are both baby girls. And as far as blog names, this is just how it's going to be.
So, now the story of Precious' birth.
Week 36 ~ Doctor usually does a cervix check at this appointment, but as it was Holy Week and she knew how badly I didn't want Precious born before Easter, she waited so as not to stimulate anything!
Week 37 ~ Dilated 3 cm, I had had a few contractions, but nothing real serious, nothing consistent or time-able.
Week 38, 1 day ~ times are approximate
9 a.m. appointment ~ dilated 3.5 cm, doctor says that my amniotic sac is really really low and that she is pretty sure I was having a contraction while she was checking me. She wants to monitor me for a while before letting me leave. (Reminder--I live 40 minutes from doctor/hospital city--she doesn't want me on the road!)
10 a.m. ~ hear hubby in waiting room as I'm being monitored. This is one of the week days that he works in doctor/hospital city. He was late into town following a meeting and knew my appointment should just be ending so had stopped by to check on me. He wondered why I wasn't out yet. I was having contractions every 4 minutes, feeling some of them. Doctor says to go walk a few hours, have something to eat, and come back.
We do. We go to the mall and walk it. We never have time together like this. We go to one of our favorite lunch places. I have contraband caffeine (I love cherry pepsi!) with lunch, deciding that if I'm in labor, I can have it! I am having regular contractions--I don't feel all of them if they are really 4 minutes apart and they aren't horrible, but I am sure we aren't headed home today!
1:30 p.m. ~ We go back to the doctor. I'm dilated 4 cm and after being monitored, I'm still having contractions every 4 minutes or so. She sends me to the hospital. We take both our vehicles there, knowing that when hubby's parents come to see new baby, one of them will drive his home. He's a bit worried, but it's only a drive of a few minutes.
2 p.m. ~ Check-in at hospital. During registration, we start process and it's moving slowly. They get to the question of why I'm there, I say..."I'm in labor" and they start to panic and try to rush. "Are you okay? Do you need to go right up?" No, I'm okay. I'm certainly feeling contractions, but no big deal. We do get into triage, I change into the gown and we wait....and wait...
3 p.m. ~ Nurse finally comes back. Another woman had come in and hadn't felt baby move and so triage nurse finds baby heartbeat, etc. to comfort the mom before coming back to me. As she checks me, my water breaks all over. And I mean, all over! Triage nurse jumps and manages to avoid most of it. "Well," she said, "you are being admitted for sure now!"
During this time, we get to our labor room. I'm monitored a bit, we walk. Contractions start to be ones that stop me so that I can't walk through them anymore. We call my mom to let her know that Baby Girl will be having a "campover" at her house that night. We tell her we'll call her when baby comes but that they should plan to wait until morning to come see us.
5 p.m. ~ By now I've decided to stay in bed because that really is the most comfortable as I breathe through contractions. Doctor comes to check on me. I'm dilated 8 cm. She asks if I want to push. I say no. Doctor says she isn't leaving, but she'll go and change into her scrubs. Next contraction, I think..."pushing might not be bad idea." Doctor comes back and I tell her.
5:40 p.m. ~ I start pushing. It's very different than with Baby Girl--in a good way. It hurts differently. I don't have pitocin-induced contractions on top of one another; I get a break between contractions. I know I scream when I'm pushing at different times. I have hubby's shirt in my hand twisted and tightened. He's putting cold washcloths on my head and neck. I'm grateful not to have an oxygen mask that made me feel like I couldn't breathe. (I know--that's backwards, but it's how I felt!) No tearing, nothing.
5:55 p.m. ~ Precious is laid on my tummy. I look at her beautiful body and smile. They take her to wash her and I'm pretty sure they said her Apgar's were 9/9. I remember thinking that they were better than Baby Girl's whose were 8/9. Deliver placenta--and actually look at it. It's pretty amazing and much bigger than I pictured. I'm glad I looked even if it was gross. I watch them clean and weigh Precious and check her over. I feel great! Even better after a shower.
I'm making calls shortly after to announce her birth. She's beautiful and I feel amazing. It's a surprise how much easier this was. With no drugs, no IV, no tearing, I feel incredible. I can't believe that I just gave birth. Thank God for that for so many reasons. Because if I had known what the weeks to come would bring, I'm not sure I'd have been able to handle them having to recover from labor too.
Wednesday, May 04, 2011
She's Here!
Baby was born today (Wednesday, May 4th) at 5:55 p.m. Baby Girl/Big Sister was right--it's a little girl. 7 lb. 13 oz, 20 in long. We are doing well--will post more later. It's late and I should try to sleep, but I'm still in a bit of adrenaline rush or something as I'm not sleepy. She is beautiful and healthy. Baby Girl will meet her tomorrow as we live 40 minutes from the hospital and thought disrupting sleep patterns would be worse than waiting! Baby Girl is having a 'camp-over' with Grandma so is in excellent hands. I still am kind of in shock that I actually gave birth to another human being--even if I've done this before. It's amazing and incredible. (And as a bonus, we avoided all the landmines of the due date! She's been a very accommodating baby so far.)
Sunday, May 01, 2011
May Babies
Well, now it's pretty clear that I will have two May babies! Baby Girl (May 31) and this yet-to-be-named baby (both in nickname form and in real life). I'm starting to be ready, but not completely. There are still a few things I'd like to get in order at work before the baby comes. And I only have folks scheduled to fill in on Sundays starting May 22. I do have folks on call before then, but the less I have to rearrange Sundays the better! So, if I get through next Sunday too, great. But if not, no big deal. I was so worried about this baby being early that I have everyone anticipating it too. People are surprised to see me every time I see them. But that's okay. Baby's doing what it needs to be doing and that, for now, is growing inside me.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Milestone Two ~ Easter Morning
Made it! Baby has definitely dropped. Hubby's prediction is Wednesday, when I go see the doctor next. Now, the only things to avoid are step-daughter's high school graduation (May 22) and her final senior recital stuff (May 17). I'm still pretty sure I'll be early, so these should not be a problem as the 17th is my due date.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Easter Sermon
I'm ready for the next two days (Maundy Thursday and Good Friday), but not yet for Easter. Babies and new life are quite obviously on my brain--at least not in my arms! :)
Aside: I saw my doctor for my 36 week appointment on Tuesday. Usually a cervical check is done at that appointment, but since that can stimulate labor, she suggested waiting a week as she knew I want to get through Easter for sure! There was no real medical reason to do one right then as my blood pressure is good, I'm measuring okay even if big, I haven't had real contractions, etc. So that will come next week.
Anyway, back to the original post...As I look at Matthew's version of this story, I am seeing so many things that I could relate to pregnancy--and this phase of it in particular. And maybe that's a sermon I'll need to write for me...or a blog post or something...or maybe an article for Fidela's Sisters but I just don't think I can write it for this audience. I don't know enough people's stories. I feel like it would have the potential to cause more pain than it should if there are people who are struggling/have struggled with infertility or not having children by choice and later regretting it or people who just can't relate because they don't have children or are men or... And I don't want to get it written and then feel that way.
And my 36 week pregnant self is tired! So I'm copping out...I'm going to re-work an old Easter sermon (not preached here) and call it good. I hope. Now to work on it!
Aside: I saw my doctor for my 36 week appointment on Tuesday. Usually a cervical check is done at that appointment, but since that can stimulate labor, she suggested waiting a week as she knew I want to get through Easter for sure! There was no real medical reason to do one right then as my blood pressure is good, I'm measuring okay even if big, I haven't had real contractions, etc. So that will come next week.
Anyway, back to the original post...As I look at Matthew's version of this story, I am seeing so many things that I could relate to pregnancy--and this phase of it in particular. And maybe that's a sermon I'll need to write for me...or a blog post or something...or maybe an article for Fidela's Sisters but I just don't think I can write it for this audience. I don't know enough people's stories. I feel like it would have the potential to cause more pain than it should if there are people who are struggling/have struggled with infertility or not having children by choice and later regretting it or people who just can't relate because they don't have children or are men or... And I don't want to get it written and then feel that way.
And my 36 week pregnant self is tired! So I'm copping out...I'm going to re-work an old Easter sermon (not preached here) and call it good. I hope. Now to work on it!
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Milestone One
Today is the exact gestational age Baby Girl was when she was born. No signs of this baby! HOORAY! It's Holy Week after all; I have lots to do. I keep telling the baby, "just till after Easter, baby--then we can talk." I'm also doing lots of preparing--I figure the more I have ready, the less likely I am to need it. I'm also avoiding all those old wives tales that are to stimulate labor--I'm taking no chances. I see the doctor on Tuesday, so we'll see how things are going then. But I'm just happy to be to this point!
Thursday, April 07, 2011
Potty Progress
I'm so proud of Baby Girl. We've been working seriously on using the potty for about two weeks now. She does so well! We've had very few accidents after the first 2 days--she still often wants to use pull-ups, which is okay, but we are working on using big girl underwear. (Except at night and naptime--I'm just not ready for loads of sheets!) She gets a piece of candy for using the potty on her own (if she remembers the candy--which isn't always). I haven't figured out how/when we'll break that, but I'm not worried about that yet! She still fights pooping and won't do that on the potty yet, so that's next on the potty agenda. I'm so very glad she's doing so well. Even if this is as far as we get before baby comes, I'm feeling much better about this aspect of parenting two!
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Ten on Tuesday
1. I really am big this time around! Up until this week's appointment, I've measured right on track. Yesterday (one day shy of 32 weeks), I measured at 35 weeks. The doctor said it could just be how the baby is laying. If I continue to grow exponentially at this rate at my next appointment in two weeks, she will order an ultrasound. Last time, it was at my 34 week appointment that I measured big and she ordered one. All was fine and Baby Girl was born 2 days shy of 2 weeks after that appointment.
2. 2 days shy of 36 weeks will be Palm Sunday. NO, NO, NO! I really want to get through Holy Week. I have 'fun' things planned, meaningful worship experiences that I want to lead. I have someone on-call who can do it, but...
3. Baby Girl is so cute now in her interaction with the baby. She 'plays patty-cake' with my tummy, hugs it and tells the baby she loves it. I'm hoping the infatuation continues once the baby is actually here!
4. Baby Girl has also decided to fully descend into the terrible 2s/3s. But really, she's not that bad. We are just having to do more time-outs and deal with more melt-downs. It'll be okay.
5. Baby Girl has also decided to not sleep through the night anymore. It's not quite so bad when she just shows up in our room and we put her in our bed. But between her getting up and waiting until I show up in her room and the amount of times I'm up in a night to use the bathroom--ugh! I'm not ready for the sleep deprivation of newbornhood. I hope Baby Girl decides that Daddy will be good enough in the night from here on out!
6. We, perhaps foolishly, are trying to build a 'big girl' bed for Baby Girl. It's a bunkbed that looks like a house. There's room for a twin mattress up top (which we won't actully get or use until she's old enough to actually sleep up there--we'll just play up there for now) and can be either used with a twin or full below. We'll be using a full below so that one of us can lay with her if need be.
7. This will mean she'll move to a different bedroom and the room she picked out as her room before we even bought the house will be for the baby.
8. The walls are a sort of pink--dark coral. Hubby asked, "if it's a boy, will we paint?" I said, "not at first." We can get some wall decals or something at first. I think if we add blue accents it'd be fine.
9. We are washing all the tiny clothes--I can't believe how tiny Baby Girl was. It's hard to imagine! It is starting to get real--and there is so much to do!
10. Can't just leave it at 9, so here's 10...must get back to tomorrow's sermon. Thanks to Teri at Clever Title Here for her willingness to share with me so I'm not starting from nothing!
2. 2 days shy of 36 weeks will be Palm Sunday. NO, NO, NO! I really want to get through Holy Week. I have 'fun' things planned, meaningful worship experiences that I want to lead. I have someone on-call who can do it, but...
3. Baby Girl is so cute now in her interaction with the baby. She 'plays patty-cake' with my tummy, hugs it and tells the baby she loves it. I'm hoping the infatuation continues once the baby is actually here!
4. Baby Girl has also decided to fully descend into the terrible 2s/3s. But really, she's not that bad. We are just having to do more time-outs and deal with more melt-downs. It'll be okay.
5. Baby Girl has also decided to not sleep through the night anymore. It's not quite so bad when she just shows up in our room and we put her in our bed. But between her getting up and waiting until I show up in her room and the amount of times I'm up in a night to use the bathroom--ugh! I'm not ready for the sleep deprivation of newbornhood. I hope Baby Girl decides that Daddy will be good enough in the night from here on out!
6. We, perhaps foolishly, are trying to build a 'big girl' bed for Baby Girl. It's a bunkbed that looks like a house. There's room for a twin mattress up top (which we won't actully get or use until she's old enough to actually sleep up there--we'll just play up there for now) and can be either used with a twin or full below. We'll be using a full below so that one of us can lay with her if need be.
7. This will mean she'll move to a different bedroom and the room she picked out as her room before we even bought the house will be for the baby.
8. The walls are a sort of pink--dark coral. Hubby asked, "if it's a boy, will we paint?" I said, "not at first." We can get some wall decals or something at first. I think if we add blue accents it'd be fine.
9. We are washing all the tiny clothes--I can't believe how tiny Baby Girl was. It's hard to imagine! It is starting to get real--and there is so much to do!
10. Can't just leave it at 9, so here's 10...must get back to tomorrow's sermon. Thanks to Teri at Clever Title Here for her willingness to share with me so I'm not starting from nothing!
Wednesday, February 02, 2011
Big
Big...belly ~ I feel so much bigger this time around. I also find myself comparing how big I was or how I felt at this time of year 3 years ago, but constantly have to remind myself that's not fair. Baby Girl was born in May (the 31st) but her due date was June 30. So even though this little one is due in May (and hopefully will be born in that month), I'm really 6 weeks farther along. So I should be bigger. And from what I understand, second time mommies get bigger faster. At every doctor's appointment, I'm measuring right on track. (Actually at the last appointment, I was measuring 1/2 week behind.) So I guess I just feel big.
Big...snow ~ 15 inches they said on the news between yesterday afternoon and this morning. Lots of high winds and blowing. Everything closed today and much closed tomorrow as well. I don't mind not getting out all that much, but we all get along better if hubby and Baby Girl get chances to go out.
Big...wuss ~ From what I hear, it's lots of men and I don't know that for sure, but I know it's true for hubby. He's sick--which means he has a cold. His head hurts and he feels like doing nothing. So he doesn't. But I still have work to do and I really need him to play with Baby Girl at least a little bit. If I felt like he looks and sounds, he would still expect me to be doing my normal stuff. I'm frustrated.
Edited on Thursday--okay, he's more sick than yesterday started. He has chills and fever so can't do as much, but that still didn't hit right away. So, now the question as he and she nap--try to get some work done or nap too (between his hacking and her coming into bed with me at 2:45 a.m. and me not sleeping well at all after that, I feel like I barely slept!)?
Big...snow ~ 15 inches they said on the news between yesterday afternoon and this morning. Lots of high winds and blowing. Everything closed today and much closed tomorrow as well. I don't mind not getting out all that much, but we all get along better if hubby and Baby Girl get chances to go out.
Big...wuss ~ From what I hear, it's lots of men and I don't know that for sure, but I know it's true for hubby. He's sick--which means he has a cold. His head hurts and he feels like doing nothing. So he doesn't. But I still have work to do and I really need him to play with Baby Girl at least a little bit. If I felt like he looks and sounds, he would still expect me to be doing my normal stuff. I'm frustrated.
Edited on Thursday--okay, he's more sick than yesterday started. He has chills and fever so can't do as much, but that still didn't hit right away. So, now the question as he and she nap--try to get some work done or nap too (between his hacking and her coming into bed with me at 2:45 a.m. and me not sleeping well at all after that, I feel like I barely slept!)?
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Ahh...
I don't remember the last day that I had like this. The day started at 5:45 with Baby Girl coming into our room. When she's up before 6, we tell her it's still sleepy time and normally she'll cuddle and relax or go back to sleep. Of course, that works better when it's earlier in the morning. Well, no to that, but she got out of our bed and I wasn't sure where she went. She went back to her bed and started calling for me. Huh? Anyway, I went and laid down on the floor next to her bed. She never went back to sleep but rustled for probably 20 minutes. At which time she wanted to sit on the potty. Again, huh? But we did and had to take jammies off to do so, so she was ready to get dressed. I had clothes picked out for her in our room, so took her back in. We watched a tv show, which got us to 6:45 and then she had had enough and was ready to go.
But by 8, she and hubby left. And I have had the house to myself all day! I was almost crying when they left because I won't see Baby Girl until Tuesday afternoon. She will be spending the days with grandma and grandpa. Hubby will come home tomorrow.
I should have done a lot today, but I have done things today that I needed to do. Here's what I have accomplished (as of almost 4:30 p.m.)--slept, showered, read blogs, watched tv, and ate. I really needed this day. Now, I do need to be sure my sermon is set for tomorrow. After that, I think it's time to unload the dishwasher and make supper. Then it's time to read my book for fun and call it good! No big plans for after church tomorrow, so the other things will just have to happen then. I should be well rested! We'll see--I tend not to be able to sleep at night when hubby is gone, so it's hard to say for sure. But either way, it has been a good day!
But by 8, she and hubby left. And I have had the house to myself all day! I was almost crying when they left because I won't see Baby Girl until Tuesday afternoon. She will be spending the days with grandma and grandpa. Hubby will come home tomorrow.
I should have done a lot today, but I have done things today that I needed to do. Here's what I have accomplished (as of almost 4:30 p.m.)--slept, showered, read blogs, watched tv, and ate. I really needed this day. Now, I do need to be sure my sermon is set for tomorrow. After that, I think it's time to unload the dishwasher and make supper. Then it's time to read my book for fun and call it good! No big plans for after church tomorrow, so the other things will just have to happen then. I should be well rested! We'll see--I tend not to be able to sleep at night when hubby is gone, so it's hard to say for sure. But either way, it has been a good day!
Tuesday, January 04, 2011
Thoughts at Halfway (ish)
The whole numbering of pregnancy weeks simply confuses me--and mostly doesn't matter a whole lot. But according to weeks, I'm just about halfway there. And it's been a long time since I posted, so...
I am becoming more excited about this baby. We had an ultrasound. We decided not to find out gender, sort of. We had the tech write it on a piece of paper and seal it in an envelope if we decide later we do want to know and don't have another ultrasound. (I ended up with 3 total for Baby Girl, to check on different things.) This one wasn't as thrilling as any for her; partly because I didn't like the tech. We had my first ultrasound with this baby with her and she forgot to record certain things; I had to go back the next day (60 miles round trip). And she just irked me--can't really explain it.
Anyway, more than seeing the baby is that I can feel it more and more. It's still not consistent movements, but there's a lot more. Just when I start to think, "I haven't felt the baby for a long time, something's wrong" I feel something. And that's good and I'm relieved. I think it was about this time that I began to call Baby Girl "my little swimmer" because it seriously felt like she was swimming laps--touch one side, swim, touch other side, repeat, repeat, repeat. (And she LOVES the water today.)
Haven't come up with a nickname for this one--didn't plan to with Baby Girl, so it still might happen. And as an aside, if intuition is anything, this one is also a girl. With Baby Girl, I felt girl all along, but talked myself into thinking it was a boy because I was so certain I'd be wrong. Hubby thought girl because he kept thinking boy but was certain he'd be wrong. I guess I haven't asked him what he thinks this time.
I loved being pregnant with Baby Girl. I don't hate being pregnant this time--I don't love it the same way. Baby Girl made me a mother, a mommy, the one thing I wanted to be my entire life. And now I am that, no matter what happens. So there's not the same newness that came with my pregnancy with her. And there's not the same preparation--no 'stuff' to buy (well a few things I wish we'd had), but for the most part, no preparation. It's just so different.
And I'm tired of being a mother of a toddler. I love Baby Girl with all that I am, but it's exhausting in such a different way than having a baby. And she's not even really that difficult of a child. She has a few tantrums, but not many. She'll put herself in time-out and calm down quickly when placed there by us. Bedtime takes so long many nights and she only wants me. I'd love to share this with hubby. We've temporarily put potty training on hold as she's been withholding poop and that's a vicious cycle of constipation and pain that we want to break before spending too much time focusing on the potty. And besides, when on earth am I supposed to train her when I'm at work all week. There's not consistency in that! I know--it's a phase, it's part of life. It will get better and it's not awful. It just is.
And in the meantime, I'll grow this baby I'm learning to love and I'll love Baby Girl and put one foot in front of the other. It will be okay.
I am becoming more excited about this baby. We had an ultrasound. We decided not to find out gender, sort of. We had the tech write it on a piece of paper and seal it in an envelope if we decide later we do want to know and don't have another ultrasound. (I ended up with 3 total for Baby Girl, to check on different things.) This one wasn't as thrilling as any for her; partly because I didn't like the tech. We had my first ultrasound with this baby with her and she forgot to record certain things; I had to go back the next day (60 miles round trip). And she just irked me--can't really explain it.
Anyway, more than seeing the baby is that I can feel it more and more. It's still not consistent movements, but there's a lot more. Just when I start to think, "I haven't felt the baby for a long time, something's wrong" I feel something. And that's good and I'm relieved. I think it was about this time that I began to call Baby Girl "my little swimmer" because it seriously felt like she was swimming laps--touch one side, swim, touch other side, repeat, repeat, repeat. (And she LOVES the water today.)
Haven't come up with a nickname for this one--didn't plan to with Baby Girl, so it still might happen. And as an aside, if intuition is anything, this one is also a girl. With Baby Girl, I felt girl all along, but talked myself into thinking it was a boy because I was so certain I'd be wrong. Hubby thought girl because he kept thinking boy but was certain he'd be wrong. I guess I haven't asked him what he thinks this time.
I loved being pregnant with Baby Girl. I don't hate being pregnant this time--I don't love it the same way. Baby Girl made me a mother, a mommy, the one thing I wanted to be my entire life. And now I am that, no matter what happens. So there's not the same newness that came with my pregnancy with her. And there's not the same preparation--no 'stuff' to buy (well a few things I wish we'd had), but for the most part, no preparation. It's just so different.
And I'm tired of being a mother of a toddler. I love Baby Girl with all that I am, but it's exhausting in such a different way than having a baby. And she's not even really that difficult of a child. She has a few tantrums, but not many. She'll put herself in time-out and calm down quickly when placed there by us. Bedtime takes so long many nights and she only wants me. I'd love to share this with hubby. We've temporarily put potty training on hold as she's been withholding poop and that's a vicious cycle of constipation and pain that we want to break before spending too much time focusing on the potty. And besides, when on earth am I supposed to train her when I'm at work all week. There's not consistency in that! I know--it's a phase, it's part of life. It will get better and it's not awful. It just is.
And in the meantime, I'll grow this baby I'm learning to love and I'll love Baby Girl and put one foot in front of the other. It will be okay.
Thursday, December 09, 2010
Thoughts on Pregnancy--Due Date Woes
As I said, the due date was (and is) the easiest for me to articulate when it comes to my apprehension about this pregnancy. My due date is May 17--the ultrasound guesstimate was May 21 (even worse in some ways!) but since those can be off a week either way, my doctor says we go with May 17.
Here's why it's bad...
Professionally...
The one-year anniversary of starting my call to this place--May 1. I really, really, really wanted to be here more than one year before having a baby. And yes, with May 17--it's possible, but oh so barely.
Easter is really late this year--April 24. Not quite in the 2 week window for due dates, but darn close--especially when Baby Girl was a full month early! Since she had no problems related to being early, maybe I just gestate shorter than average--it's possible. Really, really don't want to miss my first Holy Week/Easter here!
Synod Assembly is May 20-21. Not a huge deal, but I don't like missing these. Yes, I'm insane. I know.
Family...
May 31 is Baby Girl's birthday. Well in the 2 week window. She's young enough that if we have to change a day of celebrating, it won't be a big deal. But I don't want her to have to share her birthday! We'll probably end up doing one family party in May in the years to come anyway.
May 13 is when my stepson is to graduate from college. At this point, he says he's not going to participate in the ceremony, but I think his mom will probably make him. At least he won't care much if we can't make it because of the new baby. He is really laid back and takes everything in stride.
Now the biggie...May 22 is when my stepdaughter graduates from high school. (May 16 and 17 are her two final senior music performances) She was not happy to hear Baby Girl was on the way...she's adjusted beautifully. However, I knew she wouldn't be thrilled with the due date. When we told her I was pregnant, she said, "when?" Mid-may was what we answered rather than the date. Her words to her dad were "well, you better not miss my graduation." Ouch. I get it, I do. Every child wants her daddy there on special days. We have done everything in our power to get him to as many events as he can possibly. (And I've even gone alone to some events to videotape when he couldn't go--driving 3 plus hours in the winter to do so!) And I want him to be there for her. But if I'm having this baby, I want him with me more. Stepdaughter and I have always gotten along okay. There's never been "you aren't my mother" stuff--partly because I've never tried to be her mother, just someone who loves and cares for her. And sometimes, perhaps now more than ever when I'm more hormonal, I want to shake her and remind her how much her dad loves her, how much he's been there for, how much he makes every effort, and yes, while's he's not there every night and day since her mom and he couldn't work it out, she has had so many more opportunities to share special things with him than I ever did with my dad. She's had him nearly twice as long and more often than not, when she has a choice, she doesn't choose to spend time with him. (Especially now that we are 20 minutes from her and she has a car.) He lets her choose to do other things. He doesn't command she come over or beg her too, usually. He's asked on occasion. But I really, really, really don't want to put hubby in the position of choosing me/baby and her graduation. I don't want her to resent me any more than she might/does(?) for taking her daddy away from her. (Never mind--her dad didn't leave her mom for me, but I'm not sure how she thinks about it.) I don't want her to have reason to resent this baby too--it was hard enough to accept that she was no longer Daddy's baby--and baby girl no less.
Here's why it's bad...
Professionally...
The one-year anniversary of starting my call to this place--May 1. I really, really, really wanted to be here more than one year before having a baby. And yes, with May 17--it's possible, but oh so barely.
Easter is really late this year--April 24. Not quite in the 2 week window for due dates, but darn close--especially when Baby Girl was a full month early! Since she had no problems related to being early, maybe I just gestate shorter than average--it's possible. Really, really don't want to miss my first Holy Week/Easter here!
Synod Assembly is May 20-21. Not a huge deal, but I don't like missing these. Yes, I'm insane. I know.
Family...
May 31 is Baby Girl's birthday. Well in the 2 week window. She's young enough that if we have to change a day of celebrating, it won't be a big deal. But I don't want her to have to share her birthday! We'll probably end up doing one family party in May in the years to come anyway.
May 13 is when my stepson is to graduate from college. At this point, he says he's not going to participate in the ceremony, but I think his mom will probably make him. At least he won't care much if we can't make it because of the new baby. He is really laid back and takes everything in stride.
Now the biggie...May 22 is when my stepdaughter graduates from high school. (May 16 and 17 are her two final senior music performances) She was not happy to hear Baby Girl was on the way...she's adjusted beautifully. However, I knew she wouldn't be thrilled with the due date. When we told her I was pregnant, she said, "when?" Mid-may was what we answered rather than the date. Her words to her dad were "well, you better not miss my graduation." Ouch. I get it, I do. Every child wants her daddy there on special days. We have done everything in our power to get him to as many events as he can possibly. (And I've even gone alone to some events to videotape when he couldn't go--driving 3 plus hours in the winter to do so!) And I want him to be there for her. But if I'm having this baby, I want him with me more. Stepdaughter and I have always gotten along okay. There's never been "you aren't my mother" stuff--partly because I've never tried to be her mother, just someone who loves and cares for her. And sometimes, perhaps now more than ever when I'm more hormonal, I want to shake her and remind her how much her dad loves her, how much he's been there for, how much he makes every effort, and yes, while's he's not there every night and day since her mom and he couldn't work it out, she has had so many more opportunities to share special things with him than I ever did with my dad. She's had him nearly twice as long and more often than not, when she has a choice, she doesn't choose to spend time with him. (Especially now that we are 20 minutes from her and she has a car.) He lets her choose to do other things. He doesn't command she come over or beg her too, usually. He's asked on occasion. But I really, really, really don't want to put hubby in the position of choosing me/baby and her graduation. I don't want her to resent me any more than she might/does(?) for taking her daddy away from her. (Never mind--her dad didn't leave her mom for me, but I'm not sure how she thinks about it.) I don't want her to have reason to resent this baby too--it was hard enough to accept that she was no longer Daddy's baby--and baby girl no less.
Wednesday, December 08, 2010
Thoughts on Pregnancy, Part 2
At first, I didn't really want to tell anyone. I know there's the (un?)spoken rule about not sharing in the first trimester because the risks of miscarriage is greater then. And that was okay; I didn't want to tell. I kept expecting something to go wrong because I wasn't sure about what I was feeling. I didn't WANT a miscarriage, but I wondered how upset I would be if I had one. I've read blogs of many women who mourn intensely at 5 weeks (which was before I even found out) and name that child and everything. I don't really know when I start defining 'child'--but for me, it's not that soon. But everyone is different and I don't know the story that led them to that point; we all handle things in different ways. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't name the child at that point though.
Maybe we just aren't good at naming! With Baby Girl, we picked out the boy name well before I was due--it was the only first boy name we could agree on. (And my only naming criteria was that I wanted/want to use my dad's middle name as a boy middle name so they had to go together.) Baby Girl, we were narrowing it down--and made our final narrowing down to 2 on the way to the hospital! I named her when I saw her and have never regretted it for a second! But I guess that's beside the point.
And then I went for my first prenatal visit--just with the nurse. And found out the due date from her; I had found calendars on-line too. And it was reconfirmed why the timing was so horrible (which I promise I'll get to at some point!) which was the part I could most articulate as to why I was having mixed feelings.
One funny from that visit--the nurse was asking questions about medical history, etc. and asked if I had ever had fertility problems. I just laughed--I got pregnant while on birth control, uh, no! (I know infertility isn't funny--but it certainly hasn't been my problem!)
But there was a glimmer of hope for me about my due date--I was hoping we were really wrong! The nurse was able to find a heartbeat--which was really early for that with my due date and she said it was higher than she'd expect. That coupled with the fact that I was on birth control could have my dating wrong, even though we knew when I had my last period. For that reason and for the genetic testing my doctor now does, I was scheduled to have an ultrasound. Perhaps that would indicate a different due date.
That made me feel a better; though still uncertain.
Maybe we just aren't good at naming! With Baby Girl, we picked out the boy name well before I was due--it was the only first boy name we could agree on. (And my only naming criteria was that I wanted/want to use my dad's middle name as a boy middle name so they had to go together.) Baby Girl, we were narrowing it down--and made our final narrowing down to 2 on the way to the hospital! I named her when I saw her and have never regretted it for a second! But I guess that's beside the point.
And then I went for my first prenatal visit--just with the nurse. And found out the due date from her; I had found calendars on-line too. And it was reconfirmed why the timing was so horrible (which I promise I'll get to at some point!) which was the part I could most articulate as to why I was having mixed feelings.
One funny from that visit--the nurse was asking questions about medical history, etc. and asked if I had ever had fertility problems. I just laughed--I got pregnant while on birth control, uh, no! (I know infertility isn't funny--but it certainly hasn't been my problem!)
But there was a glimmer of hope for me about my due date--I was hoping we were really wrong! The nurse was able to find a heartbeat--which was really early for that with my due date and she said it was higher than she'd expect. That coupled with the fact that I was on birth control could have my dating wrong, even though we knew when I had my last period. For that reason and for the genetic testing my doctor now does, I was scheduled to have an ultrasound. Perhaps that would indicate a different due date.
That made me feel a better; though still uncertain.
Monday, December 06, 2010
Thoughts on Pregnancy
It's my blog, right? I can say whatever I want. But it sometimes is hard to admit things...and this is probably the best place to do it because those who read (those I know in real life and those I don't, but feel like I do from blogreading) seem like the people I can trust with these thoughts.
In early August, I had my annual physical. My doctor asked about whether or not we would have more kids. My response was that it was possible; we were discussing trying for a few months early in 2011. I also said, "Right now would be a horrible time to get pregnant; the timing would be really bad." (Because of the due date--more on that later!)
And then August passed and I was thinking lots of things. Hubby and I talked; he turns 40 in 2011. That's his cut-off for having kids. I get it; he has a 21 year old son, a 17 year old daughter and 2 1/2 year old Baby Girl. This is a big enough span--there's already the chance that Baby Girl and baby#2 will have close in age nieces or nephews. At least the older kids aren't trying to follow in their parents footsteps and start young! Stepson isn't really interested in girls, or rather he's socially awkward enough that he hasn't met people. Stepdaughter has a boyfriend, but (while I know it's possible) I think that both she and he are not to that point.
I was also thinking about the fact that I'm happy to be nearing the end of diapers and the need for 100% constant supervision. I'm in the throes of terrible two's and I don't know if I want to deal with that again. Baby Girl is still my heart and I don't know how I'll be able to share time and attention.
And then...I was late in September and in denial. I was particularly stressed; the start of a program year at a new call will do that to you. I had started a new generic of the same active birth control pill ingredient and when I've done that before, I've been late. And so I just kept going along. Until I realized that September came and went and I was REALLY late and I had other symptoms. So I took a pregnancy test.
And it was positive. Even though I can't read those stinking things...really, they are idiot-proof. I got the same kind I took with Baby Girl and I didn't read it right then either. Hubby looked at it and there was no doubt. And then when I paid attention to the picture that says which is which, I was like--duh!
And I wasn't thrilled. I wasn't elated. I was scared and unhappy and unsure. This wasn't how it was supposed to happen. I was at the point where I wasn't sure I wanted it to. But it had.
In early August, I had my annual physical. My doctor asked about whether or not we would have more kids. My response was that it was possible; we were discussing trying for a few months early in 2011. I also said, "Right now would be a horrible time to get pregnant; the timing would be really bad." (Because of the due date--more on that later!)
And then August passed and I was thinking lots of things. Hubby and I talked; he turns 40 in 2011. That's his cut-off for having kids. I get it; he has a 21 year old son, a 17 year old daughter and 2 1/2 year old Baby Girl. This is a big enough span--there's already the chance that Baby Girl and baby#2 will have close in age nieces or nephews. At least the older kids aren't trying to follow in their parents footsteps and start young! Stepson isn't really interested in girls, or rather he's socially awkward enough that he hasn't met people. Stepdaughter has a boyfriend, but (while I know it's possible) I think that both she and he are not to that point.
I was also thinking about the fact that I'm happy to be nearing the end of diapers and the need for 100% constant supervision. I'm in the throes of terrible two's and I don't know if I want to deal with that again. Baby Girl is still my heart and I don't know how I'll be able to share time and attention.
And then...I was late in September and in denial. I was particularly stressed; the start of a program year at a new call will do that to you. I had started a new generic of the same active birth control pill ingredient and when I've done that before, I've been late. And so I just kept going along. Until I realized that September came and went and I was REALLY late and I had other symptoms. So I took a pregnancy test.
And it was positive. Even though I can't read those stinking things...really, they are idiot-proof. I got the same kind I took with Baby Girl and I didn't read it right then either. Hubby looked at it and there was no doubt. And then when I paid attention to the picture that says which is which, I was like--duh!
And I wasn't thrilled. I wasn't elated. I was scared and unhappy and unsure. This wasn't how it was supposed to happen. I was at the point where I wasn't sure I wanted it to. But it had.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Preoccupied
So I obviously gave up on the posting everyday in November thing--and I'm okay with that. I've been preoccupied with that which I wasn't ready to blog about until I made the news public in real life. And now that it is public, I'm still preoccupied with this baby. And still very busy with church, especially this Advent season. So I'll be posting more than before November, I think!
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Thankful
Today I am most thankful for the fact that I took a day off of work. Despite a sermon for Sunday looming over my head, I decided not to work on that or other work things that should be done.
Now, that doesn't mean I did nothing. I gave Baby Girl a bath; I did mountains of home bookwork and filing; I cooked two real meals (but not Thanksgiving dinner--that's Saturday here!); I did dishes; I played with Baby Girl and read her books and snuggled with her. I helped prep our bathroom for painting, which MIL and FIL did today. We'll go look at vanities and countertops/sinks tomorrow--here in town in the afternoon. I'm guessing this home improvement store won't be insane that time of day. Oh and fixtures and towel bars.
I also read a magazine and watched some football and played on-line. It's not yet 7 p.m. and I'm just about ready for bed. When Baby Girl goes to bed, I probably will too. Tomorrow I will need to do some work--like that sermon.
But for now, I'll just continue being thankful.
Now, that doesn't mean I did nothing. I gave Baby Girl a bath; I did mountains of home bookwork and filing; I cooked two real meals (but not Thanksgiving dinner--that's Saturday here!); I did dishes; I played with Baby Girl and read her books and snuggled with her. I helped prep our bathroom for painting, which MIL and FIL did today. We'll go look at vanities and countertops/sinks tomorrow--here in town in the afternoon. I'm guessing this home improvement store won't be insane that time of day. Oh and fixtures and towel bars.
I also read a magazine and watched some football and played on-line. It's not yet 7 p.m. and I'm just about ready for bed. When Baby Girl goes to bed, I probably will too. Tomorrow I will need to do some work--like that sermon.
But for now, I'll just continue being thankful.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Baby Girl Needs...
a new blog nickname. Because....
come spring/summer she will no longer be the baby in our house.
come spring/summer she will no longer be the baby in our house.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Toddler TMI
Baby Girl may not like this so much, but it's on my mind right now. We are slowly trying to make progress on potty training. Which is much harder than I thought because this girl is so smart--and always seems to know when she goes. My mom was visiting this week and so we kept Baby Girl home from daycare so that they could work just on potty training. I thought it'd work. Not so much.
Currently Baby Girl is on a poop every other day kind of schedule. (Which is amazing since I recall the first time a changed a diaper without poop! I think she was 9 months old.) Anyway...she was due to poop on Friday and didn't. So when she was moaning and crying Mommy at midnight, I thought it was because the poop was finally coming. She didn't try to sit up at first, so I lay by her and rubbed her tummy and tried to be soothing--not sure what was going on. Finally, she says, "I want to go wee-wee on the potty." So we got up, she sat on her potty--almost falling asleep--and peed.
She can wake up to pee, but doesn't know in advance during the day? Huh?
I know I'm just ready for her to be done with diapers!
Currently Baby Girl is on a poop every other day kind of schedule. (Which is amazing since I recall the first time a changed a diaper without poop! I think she was 9 months old.) Anyway...she was due to poop on Friday and didn't. So when she was moaning and crying Mommy at midnight, I thought it was because the poop was finally coming. She didn't try to sit up at first, so I lay by her and rubbed her tummy and tried to be soothing--not sure what was going on. Finally, she says, "I want to go wee-wee on the potty." So we got up, she sat on her potty--almost falling asleep--and peed.
She can wake up to pee, but doesn't know in advance during the day? Huh?
I know I'm just ready for her to be done with diapers!
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Whew
One important conversation had today. Was supposed to be over lunch, but sick children intervened. So it was over the phone. But it was important and good and I feel a bit relieved. Two more important conversations to go!
Now--if I could actually get some work done...like a sermon for Sunday. That'd be helpful too!
Better posts will resume on Thanksgiving when I have a few days off!
Now--if I could actually get some work done...like a sermon for Sunday. That'd be helpful too!
Better posts will resume on Thanksgiving when I have a few days off!
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Planned!
Thanksgiving worship! ~ may need a tweak, but overall done
Confirmation lesson for tonight
Now...home to spend time with Baby Girl, back in 3 hours
Tomorrow
1. reference letter
2. sermon for Sunday
3. Advent/Christmas plan
I can do this!
Confirmation lesson for tonight
Now...home to spend time with Baby Girl, back in 3 hours
Tomorrow
1. reference letter
2. sermon for Sunday
3. Advent/Christmas plan
I can do this!
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Thanksgiving
I'm thankful to have the opportunity for our congregation to host the ecumenical Thanksgiving service in my city. But that means that I have to plan it...and I've been meaning to. But if I want any help (and I do), D-Day is in the morning. I have no experience planning an ecumenical service on my own. I'm meeting another pastor tomorrow to finalize it, but I want something to start with. I am becoming an awful procrastinator these last few weeks. I hate it. I just need to get caught up and then not get behind again!! Now...on to Thanksgiving. No more procrastinating by blogging tonight. Even if I don't want to fail anymore at this posting everyday thing!
Monday, November 15, 2010
Responsible One?
Yesterday after the morning of church, we went for a fast-food lunch. Baby Girl fell asleep on the way home. We got home, put her in bed and I laid down too--asking my hubby to wake me up in about an hour.
After that, these were my choices:
1. Stay in bed, sleep some more, spend a quiet (as quiet as it can be with a 2 1/2 year old) afternoon and evening at home
2. Drive an hour (one way) to a 2+ hour meeting for the church that I'm supposed to be at--and am supposed to bring two lay folks along to
Which was the responsible thing to do?
I did number two, even though I couldn't find lay folks to go. Which is why I felt even more like I should go. And I found it boring and frustrating. Many of the folks in the host city (not the host congregation) weren't even there. Really, I could take 2 hours of drive time to come to this and you couldn't take 20 minutes?
I still feel icky and tired. Today I wonder, was it worth it. I missed out on another nap, a time for my body to work harder on healing, restful time at home with Baby Girl and my hubby (and my mom who is visiting this week).
I can't do it all--why do I think others can? Why do all of us think others can? Why did we even have that meeting--it was so not useful. Ugh. That's all I have to say about it.
After that, these were my choices:
1. Stay in bed, sleep some more, spend a quiet (as quiet as it can be with a 2 1/2 year old) afternoon and evening at home
2. Drive an hour (one way) to a 2+ hour meeting for the church that I'm supposed to be at--and am supposed to bring two lay folks along to
Which was the responsible thing to do?
I did number two, even though I couldn't find lay folks to go. Which is why I felt even more like I should go. And I found it boring and frustrating. Many of the folks in the host city (not the host congregation) weren't even there. Really, I could take 2 hours of drive time to come to this and you couldn't take 20 minutes?
I still feel icky and tired. Today I wonder, was it worth it. I missed out on another nap, a time for my body to work harder on healing, restful time at home with Baby Girl and my hubby (and my mom who is visiting this week).
I can't do it all--why do I think others can? Why do all of us think others can? Why did we even have that meeting--it was so not useful. Ugh. That's all I have to say about it.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Yucky
I just feel yucky. My voice is fading. We'll see what tomorrow brings--I guess it will be what it is. Hopefully it will hold out enough for worship and Sunday School. The idea of a whole afternoon meeting is not appealing. I'd much rather curl up under a blanket and take a nap or watch football or anything else tomorrow. I suppose if I feel really awful I can skip, but I'm so not good at that.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Laundry
The pile is neverending, isn't it? I try to do it all on one day though--it really makes me feel as if I've accomplished something. I can see the progress, even if it is fleeting. Today I didn't finish and that's okay because I don't have a super busy day tomorrow.
I love having Fridays home with Baby Girl, but wish I could accomplish more of the 'stuff' that needs to be done around the house. A 2 1/2 year old just isn't much help. And now I'm exhausted, my throat hurts and I want to sleep. But I must wait for a bit--the laundry that needs to be pulled out of the dryer half done should be done soon. I'll hang that, and then it's off to bed.
I'm sure it won't take me an hour to fall asleep like it took Baby Girl!
I love having Fridays home with Baby Girl, but wish I could accomplish more of the 'stuff' that needs to be done around the house. A 2 1/2 year old just isn't much help. And now I'm exhausted, my throat hurts and I want to sleep. But I must wait for a bit--the laundry that needs to be pulled out of the dryer half done should be done soon. I'll hang that, and then it's off to bed.
I'm sure it won't take me an hour to fall asleep like it took Baby Girl!
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Toddler Bed
Two nights of good sleep! About a week or so ago, we converted Baby Girl's crib to a toddler bed. She hadn't been sleeping well prior and that didn't change. Except the last two nights. She has slept well--she even fell asleep in her bed last night! (Rather than on the floor and then moved to her bed.) We put a kingsize pillow next to her so it was blocking the opening because she ended up on the floor most other nights--in her sleep. That wasn't what woke her up either surprisingly enough. I think the pillow helped. It added warmth. Maybe she thought someone was laying next to her. And it kept her from falling out. I suppose she could roll hard enough to push it out, but I'm not worried about it. If she didn't get hurt before...
And besides, anything can happen at anytime. I broke my collarbone at age 4 falling out of a regular bed. Just hit the floor wrong I guess.
And I admit, I kinda like her toddling to us in the morning. Slowly walking toward us, shyling whispering "Mommy," pulling her up into our bed for a snuggle. I could use a snuggle now.
And besides, anything can happen at anytime. I broke my collarbone at age 4 falling out of a regular bed. Just hit the floor wrong I guess.
And I admit, I kinda like her toddling to us in the morning. Slowly walking toward us, shyling whispering "Mommy," pulling her up into our bed for a snuggle. I could use a snuggle now.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Inspiration Please Strike NOW
So I have yet to prepare my confirmation lesson for tonight. What I've done in the past is really boring--even to me. But the curriculum I have to use now has so little content on this topic (in my opinion). I am having trouble finding a middle ground. And I need something for tonight! This has to be done first before I move on to the piles of other things. Inspiration now would be very helpful!
Tuesday, November 09, 2010
Sleep
I have always been a sound sleeper. Hubby tells me that once on vacation I slept through a tornado. (He looked out the window and said trees were blowing down to the ground.) I love to sleep--and need a lot of it.
Until Baby Girl. When I became a mom (and a breastfeeding one at that), I became a much less sound sleeper. But I still need lots of sleep.
Baby Girl (now 2 1/2) hasn't been sleeping well lately. That's debatable I guess--last night she wasn't up and awake, but she kept moaning in her sleep and crying out 'mama.' Which means 'mama' isn't sleeping well. I lay in my bed deciding whether or not to check on her. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I go in and lay on the floor next to her bed so I can just make comforting noises. Sometimes I fall asleep there--it's not very comfortable either. Last night was a bit unusual though; in the last few weeks, there have been many nights when she was really awake. And she doesn't usually want Daddy--which is good, since he usually doesn't hear her. And I end up awake anyhow. I guess I'd rather be awake and caring for her than just awake.
I am just so tired. And when I'm tired, I'm sluggish. And when I'm sluggish, not much gets done. And I have so freaking much to do! I have to push to get a ton done in the hour I have before I get Baby Girl. Maybe a to-do list for tomorrow will help!
Until Baby Girl. When I became a mom (and a breastfeeding one at that), I became a much less sound sleeper. But I still need lots of sleep.
Baby Girl (now 2 1/2) hasn't been sleeping well lately. That's debatable I guess--last night she wasn't up and awake, but she kept moaning in her sleep and crying out 'mama.' Which means 'mama' isn't sleeping well. I lay in my bed deciding whether or not to check on her. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I go in and lay on the floor next to her bed so I can just make comforting noises. Sometimes I fall asleep there--it's not very comfortable either. Last night was a bit unusual though; in the last few weeks, there have been many nights when she was really awake. And she doesn't usually want Daddy--which is good, since he usually doesn't hear her. And I end up awake anyhow. I guess I'd rather be awake and caring for her than just awake.
I am just so tired. And when I'm tired, I'm sluggish. And when I'm sluggish, not much gets done. And I have so freaking much to do! I have to push to get a ton done in the hour I have before I get Baby Girl. Maybe a to-do list for tomorrow will help!
Monday, November 08, 2010
Youth Ministry
So...youth ministry is an absolutely essential component of congregational life. I believe it. I also know that is not where my skills and talents lie. But...in this small, struggling in some ways--vibrant in others--congregation I now serve, this was an area where there really wasn't anything. So I'm trying--a once a month high school group. First time there were 2 kids, last night there were 6. And I just kind of let them go to see how they interact with one another and me and talk about faith stuff and life stuff.
I came home with a splitting headache. And some thoughts about how I need to go from here.
1. I need to make a youth room happen. This has apparently been discussed ad nauseum for years and they are feeling pretty defeated I think. They are all smart kids; they understand we have a really small space and the space would have to be shared--in that it may be needed at times for certain other things. (So no black walls or graffiti or stuff like that) They need to know I (and the congregation) really do care about them.
2. I need to make some 'ground rules' next time. Nothing major--just things like, oh, don't talk when someone else is talking once we get started. I'm all about just hanging out time too--but once we start a conversation--let's listen to one another. Really--that's about the only one. They were pretty good about checking phones and putting them away, rather than texting throughout--so unless that becomes a problem later, whatever.
What else--I'm pretty clueless. But for now, I guess this will do.
I came home with a splitting headache. And some thoughts about how I need to go from here.
1. I need to make a youth room happen. This has apparently been discussed ad nauseum for years and they are feeling pretty defeated I think. They are all smart kids; they understand we have a really small space and the space would have to be shared--in that it may be needed at times for certain other things. (So no black walls or graffiti or stuff like that) They need to know I (and the congregation) really do care about them.
2. I need to make some 'ground rules' next time. Nothing major--just things like, oh, don't talk when someone else is talking once we get started. I'm all about just hanging out time too--but once we start a conversation--let's listen to one another. Really--that's about the only one. They were pretty good about checking phones and putting them away, rather than texting throughout--so unless that becomes a problem later, whatever.
What else--I'm pretty clueless. But for now, I guess this will do.
Sunday, November 07, 2010
Almost Dead Battery
I did want to post tonight, but the laptop battery is almost dead. And my battery needs enough recharging too that I'm not about to go after the cord. So there blogging every day!
Saturday, November 06, 2010
Fail
So I failed yesterday--though I wrote posts in my head. Does that count?
Yesterday was my day off--which means a day at home alone with Baby Girl (now in her TWOS--by which I mean we waited until 2 1/2 for the terribles to begin). We did laundry, got ready for in-laws to visit for the weekend, we cuddled and read books and napped, we went to see her older sister's variety show in the evening. We (okay--just I) got a little freaked out by what sounds like an animal in the chimney of the fireplace. Didn't see anything--Daddy will have to check this out today.
I only failed at the blogging thing. I was a good wife and mommy. And that's more important.
Yesterday was my day off--which means a day at home alone with Baby Girl (now in her TWOS--by which I mean we waited until 2 1/2 for the terribles to begin). We did laundry, got ready for in-laws to visit for the weekend, we cuddled and read books and napped, we went to see her older sister's variety show in the evening. We (okay--just I) got a little freaked out by what sounds like an animal in the chimney of the fireplace. Didn't see anything--Daddy will have to check this out today.
I only failed at the blogging thing. I was a good wife and mommy. And that's more important.
Thursday, November 04, 2010
Wednesdays
I hate Wednesdays. One of my least favorite things about Wednesdays is teaching confirmation. In my last setting, I had 48 7th and 8th graders. I now have 10 6th, 7th, and 8th graders. Both have pros and cons. Overall, I think this 10 would be preferred.
But...Wednesdays are horrible on our family. Hubby was recruited for choir--they need more than one bass; he makes two. When choir decided on a meeting time, the selected Wednesday evening at the same time as confirmation. Which we all knew meant Baby Girl would be along and that hubby would have to be the one to care for her during that time if need be. This was okay for a week or two.
Then, a couple things happened. One--other parents have been having to bring their kids. Baby Girl wants so much to play with them, but they are old enough to be self-sufficient, but not old enough to play with her unsupervised. This is a challenge.
Two--Hubby decided to join/support fledgeling attempt at a praise group, which is meeting the hour right before choir. Which means we are all at church even longer.
Yesterday was particularly bad. I don't think Baby Girl napped at daycare--normally, 'grandma' tells me, but didn't say anything in particular. However, she fell asleep in her carseat on the way home. I let her sleep for an hour, which mean we drove to church before she woke up. This (and refusing to eat most of her supper) made her a particularly unhappy camper.
And our building is small enough that she can almost always see or hear me and has been in "mommy mode" a lot recently. A number of factors conspired last night and hubby finally took her home early leaving choir. This is not working--for her, or me. It also means a late bedtime and a fight to do so. The bedtime time itself wouldn't be so horrible if she had time to decompress herself at home before heading to bed. It makes Wednesdays even more stressful--and confirmation, when I'm distracted by her screaming or them having to walk through to where the potty is.
The problem is that pretty much everyone we know in this town that we'd trust to watch her during this time is busy at church on Wednesday evenings. I dont' know what we are going to do. But we can't keep this up--it's just not working.
But...Wednesdays are horrible on our family. Hubby was recruited for choir--they need more than one bass; he makes two. When choir decided on a meeting time, the selected Wednesday evening at the same time as confirmation. Which we all knew meant Baby Girl would be along and that hubby would have to be the one to care for her during that time if need be. This was okay for a week or two.
Then, a couple things happened. One--other parents have been having to bring their kids. Baby Girl wants so much to play with them, but they are old enough to be self-sufficient, but not old enough to play with her unsupervised. This is a challenge.
Two--Hubby decided to join/support fledgeling attempt at a praise group, which is meeting the hour right before choir. Which means we are all at church even longer.
Yesterday was particularly bad. I don't think Baby Girl napped at daycare--normally, 'grandma' tells me, but didn't say anything in particular. However, she fell asleep in her carseat on the way home. I let her sleep for an hour, which mean we drove to church before she woke up. This (and refusing to eat most of her supper) made her a particularly unhappy camper.
And our building is small enough that she can almost always see or hear me and has been in "mommy mode" a lot recently. A number of factors conspired last night and hubby finally took her home early leaving choir. This is not working--for her, or me. It also means a late bedtime and a fight to do so. The bedtime time itself wouldn't be so horrible if she had time to decompress herself at home before heading to bed. It makes Wednesdays even more stressful--and confirmation, when I'm distracted by her screaming or them having to walk through to where the potty is.
The problem is that pretty much everyone we know in this town that we'd trust to watch her during this time is busy at church on Wednesday evenings. I dont' know what we are going to do. But we can't keep this up--it's just not working.
Wednesday, November 03, 2010
Garage
Having a garage isn't something I thought I took for granted--but I realized that I have. For the last two nights, I parked my car in our garage! A novel concept--it only took 3 months to get one of our cars in our new garage. Our last house had a HUGE two car garage (extra long and extra wide) and an additional shed that was essentially a small one car garage. The only downside was that the garage was detached. That was a pain, especially when carrying a baby (and often other things) and trying to not let the screen door blow away and get the door unlocked and get in the house. An attached garage was on my must-have list for this house.
Which it is, but it is a TINY two car garage. We have 3 vehicles, a number of bikes, strollers, workbenches, and general garage stuff. One vehicle seriously will never go in the garage because it doesn't fit--with the garage empty. We lovingly call this hand-me-down vehicle "the land yacht." Thank goodness this is the one with a functioning remote start--we are coming up on winter after all. Nights have already been frosty.
We did get one estimate to add a garage stall. Way more than we expected! We will get another estimate, but yikes. It was almost double what we thought--and what we thought would have been a stretch. We do have a tiny shed too, but still--I'm not sure we'll ever get two vehicles in a garage at this house.
At least I get the garage and don't have to scrape windows! I'm grateful for that.
Which it is, but it is a TINY two car garage. We have 3 vehicles, a number of bikes, strollers, workbenches, and general garage stuff. One vehicle seriously will never go in the garage because it doesn't fit--with the garage empty. We lovingly call this hand-me-down vehicle "the land yacht." Thank goodness this is the one with a functioning remote start--we are coming up on winter after all. Nights have already been frosty.
We did get one estimate to add a garage stall. Way more than we expected! We will get another estimate, but yikes. It was almost double what we thought--and what we thought would have been a stretch. We do have a tiny shed too, but still--I'm not sure we'll ever get two vehicles in a garage at this house.
At least I get the garage and don't have to scrape windows! I'm grateful for that.
Tuesday, November 02, 2010
I Hate/Love Fall
I hate fall. I hate the days getting shorter and the darkness descending earlier and earlier each day. I hate "fall back" with a toddler because I'm sure it won't mean an extra hour of sleep. I hate the weather not deciding if it's warm or cold. I hate it being chilly outside and then too warm inside, but not warm enough to open windows. I hate the cold, frosty mornings. I hate the wind. I hate knowing winter and snow will be here soon.
But I do love the colors of the leaves and the way the sun shines on them. I love when it is warm. I love seeing Baby Girl's face as we play in the leaves and throw them in the air.
I guess my hate list is longer, but I want to make sure to notice that there are always things to love!
But I do love the colors of the leaves and the way the sun shines on them. I love when it is warm. I love seeing Baby Girl's face as we play in the leaves and throw them in the air.
I guess my hate list is longer, but I want to make sure to notice that there are always things to love!
Monday, November 01, 2010
NoBloPoMo -- is that right?
November Blog Posting Month? Something like that--it's been while since I've seen someone do the official thing--posting every day for the month of November. But it's a challenge I am going to take on. We'll see about success. And to up the likelihood of success, today's post will only be this. I'll save my other ideas for the next few days!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Doing it All
I can't do everything. I know that. I've always known it, I guess. But I'm getting better at realizing it.
However, how do I manage to waste so much time at work? Why am I not getting work done when I'm in my office? It's 10:30 a.m. and I've accomplished nothing in the nearly 2 hours I've been here! In order to be better able to get done at home what needs to be done on Friday and Saturday, today I must accomplish the following: a few items for tonight's board meeting, a sermon for Sunday, Sunday School prep (which is started). That's not much, but it's a lot. I have a seed of an idea for my sermon and that's all for that so far.
I have a meeting to go to at 3, home quick for supper, and back for meeting at 5:30. Must have this done by 3. So now it's to work!
Except--wow, this was boring! No one even commented on my last post which was funny--why am I even bothering?
However, how do I manage to waste so much time at work? Why am I not getting work done when I'm in my office? It's 10:30 a.m. and I've accomplished nothing in the nearly 2 hours I've been here! In order to be better able to get done at home what needs to be done on Friday and Saturday, today I must accomplish the following: a few items for tonight's board meeting, a sermon for Sunday, Sunday School prep (which is started). That's not much, but it's a lot. I have a seed of an idea for my sermon and that's all for that so far.
I have a meeting to go to at 3, home quick for supper, and back for meeting at 5:30. Must have this done by 3. So now it's to work!
Except--wow, this was boring! No one even commented on my last post which was funny--why am I even bothering?
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Green Hair and Blue Hamsters
Episode 1:
Baby Girl wakes up in the morning and calls out to me. I go in to get her out of her crib where she is standing with her arms outstretched.
Me: Good morning sweetheart!
BG: Mommy have green hair.
Me: What? Green hair?
BG: Mommy, you have green hair.
Me: I have green hair? No.
BG: You have green hair last night. Mommy have green hair. BG have green hair and we slide down it.
Me: I had green hair last night and you had green hair and we slid down it.
BG: Yes.
Me: Silly goose!
My best guess is a dream.
Episode 2:
Baby Girl is sitting on my lap playing with something and it sounds like she says 'hamster.'
Me: Hamster? Did you say hamster?
BG: Yes.
Me: Did you see a hamster at 'Grandma's' (daycare)?
BG: Yes, Kaylee has one.
Me: Did you touch it?
BG: Yes.
Me: Was it soft?
BG: Yes.
Me: Was it this big? (make hands into size of baseball)
BG: No.
Me: What it this big? (make hands smaller size)
BG: No.
Me: How big was it?
BG: This big! (smiling and putting her hands together over her head)
Me: Really? What color was it? (still thinking it's possible that Kaylee brought a hamster to daycare)
BG: Blue!
Me: A blue hamster?
BG: Yes! (smiling)
Conversation replayed by us for daddy later. Hamster still big and blue. Daddy and I kept talking and said something to the effect of 'was the hamster in your imagination?' to which we got silence and a smile. I think she knew she was making this up and didn't want to admit it!
Baby Girl wakes up in the morning and calls out to me. I go in to get her out of her crib where she is standing with her arms outstretched.
Me: Good morning sweetheart!
BG: Mommy have green hair.
Me: What? Green hair?
BG: Mommy, you have green hair.
Me: I have green hair? No.
BG: You have green hair last night. Mommy have green hair. BG have green hair and we slide down it.
Me: I had green hair last night and you had green hair and we slid down it.
BG: Yes.
Me: Silly goose!
My best guess is a dream.
Episode 2:
Baby Girl is sitting on my lap playing with something and it sounds like she says 'hamster.'
Me: Hamster? Did you say hamster?
BG: Yes.
Me: Did you see a hamster at 'Grandma's' (daycare)?
BG: Yes, Kaylee has one.
Me: Did you touch it?
BG: Yes.
Me: Was it soft?
BG: Yes.
Me: Was it this big? (make hands into size of baseball)
BG: No.
Me: What it this big? (make hands smaller size)
BG: No.
Me: How big was it?
BG: This big! (smiling and putting her hands together over her head)
Me: Really? What color was it? (still thinking it's possible that Kaylee brought a hamster to daycare)
BG: Blue!
Me: A blue hamster?
BG: Yes! (smiling)
Conversation replayed by us for daddy later. Hamster still big and blue. Daddy and I kept talking and said something to the effect of 'was the hamster in your imagination?' to which we got silence and a smile. I think she knew she was making this up and didn't want to admit it!
Wednesday, September 08, 2010
Hmm...that's a new one
So, a couple from the Kingdom Hall/Jehovah's Witnesses just left my office. They came by to offer me their publications and indicated they'd love to bring some by each month. They said that many people appreciate them and many clergy also like them. Hmm...
My best friend in elementary school was a Jehovah's Witness, so I kind of have a soft spot. I took the brochures. I won't be sharing them--nor will I get multiple copies next month.
I've got to admire their convictions--confessing their beliefs no matter what, but really--to a church? They weren't pushy, were friendly, and clearly not out for a fight.
But that is certainly a new one for me!
My best friend in elementary school was a Jehovah's Witness, so I kind of have a soft spot. I took the brochures. I won't be sharing them--nor will I get multiple copies next month.
I've got to admire their convictions--confessing their beliefs no matter what, but really--to a church? They weren't pushy, were friendly, and clearly not out for a fight.
But that is certainly a new one for me!
Monday, August 30, 2010
Rock, Rock, Zzzzz
Lately, as in the last couple weeks, Baby Girl has had a renewed interest in being rocked to sleep. This doesn't exactly coincide with being in our new home--the first two weeks here, she didn't want to be rocked. I have mixed feelings about it--but mostly enjoyment! I love to snuggle her, to feel her body against mine, to hold her until she gently drifts to sleep playing with her hair or mine. It's so relaxing--and I'm trying to only focus on her as I rock, to not think about the to-do list or what I should be doing that is 'more productive.' Oh sure, I sometimes think about sermon ideas or things I need to do, but it's still relaxing for me.
Which is precisely the problem. I rock her to sleep and then have no desire to do anything else. And 8:30 is just to early to go to bed--because it won't matter if I have 10 hours of sleep. I still don't like to see 6:30 a.m. And those boxes will not unpack themselves. But I'll get over it. I know these days of rocking are numbered. I'll take each and every one I can, her Baby Girl self snuggled into me as she goes to sleep and a depth of love that I can't put into words.
Which is precisely the problem. I rock her to sleep and then have no desire to do anything else. And 8:30 is just to early to go to bed--because it won't matter if I have 10 hours of sleep. I still don't like to see 6:30 a.m. And those boxes will not unpack themselves. But I'll get over it. I know these days of rocking are numbered. I'll take each and every one I can, her Baby Girl self snuggled into me as she goes to sleep and a depth of love that I can't put into words.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Balance and Guilt
So as I'm settling into my new call, my new home, my new life...I'm trying to find a new balance. A new balance in which guilt about not being good enough at anything seems to lurk just below the surface. And so, this afternoon, for this hour I'm sitting on my couch--home alone. I need to clean and organize and file at home; I need to write a sermon--ideally by 4 p.m. today so that it doesn't bleed into family time. But I need this too--just sitting in my home watching design tv. So I am--even though I could be wasting time in my office pretending to work. I'm trying not to feel guilty. I will go back to work soon and will really work. And my sermon will be done by Sunday morning--well Saturday evening this week as I'm preaching at a service then. I will spend the time I need to with my family. And stuff at home will get done when it gets done. I'll keep learning this balance. One design show at a time. Ha!
Monday, August 09, 2010
Me, Me, Me
Every so often, I go through this phase where I read lovely blog posts and want to comment, but change my mind because I seem to just be about me. I want to say something because I want others to know I'm reading and that I care, but I can't figure out what to say. Except something about me that is sparked by what I read. And so I say nothing.
And at the same time, I feel bad that I don't get many comments on this blog. And I have to re-evaluate yet again why I want a blog. I wanted a place to write, yes. But I think it's because I so deeply crave connection that I just can't seem to find. I'm trying here in my new place--to be less worried about what I say or who I am. But it's hard to make friends--who wants to be friends with their pastor? And I don't know that I want to initiate friendships--as in, invite certain people over for dinner and not others. Sigh.
But that doesn't seem to matter when I think of one connection this morning. Baby Girl wiped out on our new tile floor--barefoot, I'm not quite sure how she managed to slip where she did, but she cried harder than usual. No blood, no immediately obvious place of pain. And she let me pick her up and snuggle with her. Normally a owie involves a bit of a cry, a 'do you need a kiss?', 'yes,' a kiss, and then she's done and ready to go. Today she snuggled and even though she stopped crying, she just wanted to snuggle and nothing else. It was probably ten minutes--that's a long time for her these days. (Unless we are snuggling watching tv) It was so nice--an especially good thing for mommy as I prepared to take her to her new daycare for the first day today. That is, I guess, another post for another day.
And at the same time, I feel bad that I don't get many comments on this blog. And I have to re-evaluate yet again why I want a blog. I wanted a place to write, yes. But I think it's because I so deeply crave connection that I just can't seem to find. I'm trying here in my new place--to be less worried about what I say or who I am. But it's hard to make friends--who wants to be friends with their pastor? And I don't know that I want to initiate friendships--as in, invite certain people over for dinner and not others. Sigh.
But that doesn't seem to matter when I think of one connection this morning. Baby Girl wiped out on our new tile floor--barefoot, I'm not quite sure how she managed to slip where she did, but she cried harder than usual. No blood, no immediately obvious place of pain. And she let me pick her up and snuggle with her. Normally a owie involves a bit of a cry, a 'do you need a kiss?', 'yes,' a kiss, and then she's done and ready to go. Today she snuggled and even though she stopped crying, she just wanted to snuggle and nothing else. It was probably ten minutes--that's a long time for her these days. (Unless we are snuggling watching tv) It was so nice--an especially good thing for mommy as I prepared to take her to her new daycare for the first day today. That is, I guess, another post for another day.
Friday, July 23, 2010
BIGGEST Frustration in Moving
So, it's now official. The biggest frustration in moving EVER. My husband. You'd think I'd expect things to go this way--we've been married 9 years (next Wed. in fact) and been together about 13 years. I should know better than to trust anything he says about what he will get accomplished. And he comes by it genetically--so when I put my new house in the hands of him and his parents while I try to do my job (wedding rehearsal)--I should expect that virtually nothing that they say will get done will. My mom is here so she has had Baby Girl in her care and done TONS of packing. So that's been good--mostly. But Baby Girl is in the throes of terrible twos, she's certainly confused by all this, she fought sleep for over an hour tonight which is very unusual. My husband's words were "I will stay in the new house until all the painting is done so that we are ready to move Saturday when we have help." So...today, immediately after closing, we picked the colors--2 whole rooms, and 1/2 of another. I helped with that and unloading the bit we had in my car and headed back to old home so I could do wedding rehearsal. So at 9 p.m., 1 room painted--and they are done for the night, but no worries--we'll paint it after we move the stuff. We had decided that we needed the rooms painted before we moved the stuff in! Oh--and he had planned to come to old home tonight, but now isn't. I am so frustrated. I don't know if any of this makes sense. And I guess it doesn't matter if it makes sense--because it doesn't matter what I think either--at least not about this.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Thinking
This morning on my way into the office, I dropped Baby Girl off at daycare and then stopped in at my old church to give them our new address and just chat with secretary and senior pastor. It was nice. A bit weird, but nice too. As I was telling them about everything, senior pastor said something to the effect of "well it seems like you have 9 of the top 10 stressors." While I'm not sure I'd go that far, it's true too. Lots of good stresses right now--related to buying and selling homes. It's challenging. Then add family dynamics, a toddler, 40 minute commutes, church dynamics, hot and humid weather--it's no wonder I have a screaming headache that drugs haven't yet touched.
And this is robbing me of my sermon mo-jo. I have to write a wedding sermon for this weekend. Think I'm going to use most of an old one--just need to update it a bit. But I think the bulk of it will work. Goal is to get that done before leaving here tonight.
And then the weekend sermon. I have an old one that looked okay--before I went to text study. Now, not so much. But do I have anything better? No. Goal is to do that tomorrow morning. Plan to take tomorrow afternoon off--moving related needs. Thursday afternoon and evening are full. I do have Thursday morning, but...
I want so much to be a good preacher. In this place that is struggling, they need positive encouragement and also a kick in the butt. And worship is the place I have right now. We will be living here soon so I can have a better shot at other venues, but for now--this is it. The last line of the lectionary text is "how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!" Okay, God, some Holy Spirit sermon writing mo-jo would be good about now!
I feel like I can barely manage a coherent thought--trying to work seems so pointless. But this has to be done. And I hate it--I hate that we are trying to move at what feels like the busiest time. Perhaps there wouldn't be a better one. But there are so many phone calls and strangers and different people, my extraverted side is getting a workout and it's draining the introvert! And my husband's goals of getting fully moved in one day is killing the J in me. I want to start organized and not rushed. But that's doubtful. I never felt like we got fully situated in our last home 7 years ago--and certainly not after the total rearrangement with the birth of our girl 2 years ago. I do not want to start that way again. It drains me.
Just some thinking 'out-loud.' Hoping it gets the creative juices going.
And this is robbing me of my sermon mo-jo. I have to write a wedding sermon for this weekend. Think I'm going to use most of an old one--just need to update it a bit. But I think the bulk of it will work. Goal is to get that done before leaving here tonight.
And then the weekend sermon. I have an old one that looked okay--before I went to text study. Now, not so much. But do I have anything better? No. Goal is to do that tomorrow morning. Plan to take tomorrow afternoon off--moving related needs. Thursday afternoon and evening are full. I do have Thursday morning, but...
I want so much to be a good preacher. In this place that is struggling, they need positive encouragement and also a kick in the butt. And worship is the place I have right now. We will be living here soon so I can have a better shot at other venues, but for now--this is it. The last line of the lectionary text is "how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!" Okay, God, some Holy Spirit sermon writing mo-jo would be good about now!
I feel like I can barely manage a coherent thought--trying to work seems so pointless. But this has to be done. And I hate it--I hate that we are trying to move at what feels like the busiest time. Perhaps there wouldn't be a better one. But there are so many phone calls and strangers and different people, my extraverted side is getting a workout and it's draining the introvert! And my husband's goals of getting fully moved in one day is killing the J in me. I want to start organized and not rushed. But that's doubtful. I never felt like we got fully situated in our last home 7 years ago--and certainly not after the total rearrangement with the birth of our girl 2 years ago. I do not want to start that way again. It drains me.
Just some thinking 'out-loud.' Hoping it gets the creative juices going.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Schedule
Today ~ see new home to do some measuring, meet couple about wedding this weekend
Tuesday ~ work--including evening meeting, hubby comes home
Wednesday ~ work, pack in the evening
Thursday ~ work, including evening meeting
Friday ~ CLOSE ON NEW HOME, wedding rehearsal ~ begin to survive presence of mom and in-laws and their desires to help (which will be helpful but also stressful)
Saturday ~ wedding
Sunday ~ worship, begin VBS week in the evening
Wednesday ~ allow radon mitigation installer into old home
Wednesday/Thursday (we hope) ~ close on old home
Doesn't look like much--until you consider the packing, the physical moving, the homes 40 miles apart, all the legal papers that need to get taken care of, the utilities that need to be addressed, the toddler and who watches her when, the finding of childcare in new community, the mom leaving Tuesday next week for a trip to see my sister, oh and the usual work of each week
All will be well. But good stress is still stress. So begins the marathon of the next few works. Sermons may be reworked from previous events.
Tuesday ~ work--including evening meeting, hubby comes home
Wednesday ~ work, pack in the evening
Thursday ~ work, including evening meeting
Friday ~ CLOSE ON NEW HOME, wedding rehearsal ~ begin to survive presence of mom and in-laws and their desires to help (which will be helpful but also stressful)
Saturday ~ wedding
Sunday ~ worship, begin VBS week in the evening
Wednesday ~ allow radon mitigation installer into old home
Wednesday/Thursday (we hope) ~ close on old home
Doesn't look like much--until you consider the packing, the physical moving, the homes 40 miles apart, all the legal papers that need to get taken care of, the utilities that need to be addressed, the toddler and who watches her when, the finding of childcare in new community, the mom leaving Tuesday next week for a trip to see my sister, oh and the usual work of each week
All will be well. But good stress is still stress. So begins the marathon of the next few works. Sermons may be reworked from previous events.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Updates
On the housing front:
We are progressing toward buying a home in our new community. The building inspector okayed it yesterday. We have to have our loan finalized by July 30. Closing to be end of August or before. Sale not contingent on sale of our home--in-laws will serve as our 'bridge loan' if need be.
One contingent offer on our home in old community. (They have an accepted offer on their home-contingent on the sale of another home). Possible other offer--hubby talking to that couple today. They made an offer, but we need another $4000 to make it comparable/doable. If they agree to our counter offer, those with the contingent offer have 72 hours to either back out or come up with the money to make it a non-contingent sale.
ETA: They did make the counter offer essentially, $3000 which we can make work. We'll draw up paperwork tonight, sign tomorrow. So, either the 72 hours will happen or that will. Unless the additional folks coming tonight make a better offer before we sign the papers--oh, that'd still give the contingent folks their 72 hours. I've called the bank to set up loan stuff; Hubby called our realtor to let her know that we want to get things going. Hubby thinks--oh, we can move the last week in July. Can we say VBS? I didn't tell him that; wouldn't matter if I did. I guess I'm like Martha in Sunday's text--worried and distracted by many things. I need to be a bit more like Mary today. Think that'll make it into the sermon--it just might. Except I'm concerned all people will hear is, "Pastor Silent is moving to our town" not anything else.
On the job front:
Hubby has a job interview for a much better job! About 15-20 minutes from our new community. That's in the morning. We thought he was a long shot for the interview, so this is promising. I so hope for him that he moves forward, though he seems not too confident. I wish I had more time with him tonight to help him prepare. I have meetings all evening.
Me--I'm doing okay. Wanted to have my sermon for this weekend done already; I know, it's only Tuesday, but I didn't preach last weekend, so I was hoping. I'm struggling with how to teach 100+ people (mostly adults) how to communicate and how to plan. No surprises, just not sure how to proceed.
On the home front:
Hubby is also working his summer job an hour away from home (not in the direction of the new community--the other way) where he lives in a hotel and is gone all the time. Except he's had to come home alot for housing things. So...my mom is here. Still taking Baby Girl to daycare so as not to mess up her routine too much but mom is here to get her when I have evenings. It's mostly good; but it's going to be a long couple weeks.
We are progressing toward buying a home in our new community. The building inspector okayed it yesterday. We have to have our loan finalized by July 30. Closing to be end of August or before. Sale not contingent on sale of our home--in-laws will serve as our 'bridge loan' if need be.
One contingent offer on our home in old community. (They have an accepted offer on their home-contingent on the sale of another home). Possible other offer--hubby talking to that couple today. They made an offer, but we need another $4000 to make it comparable/doable. If they agree to our counter offer, those with the contingent offer have 72 hours to either back out or come up with the money to make it a non-contingent sale.
ETA: They did make the counter offer essentially, $3000 which we can make work. We'll draw up paperwork tonight, sign tomorrow. So, either the 72 hours will happen or that will. Unless the additional folks coming tonight make a better offer before we sign the papers--oh, that'd still give the contingent folks their 72 hours. I've called the bank to set up loan stuff; Hubby called our realtor to let her know that we want to get things going. Hubby thinks--oh, we can move the last week in July. Can we say VBS? I didn't tell him that; wouldn't matter if I did. I guess I'm like Martha in Sunday's text--worried and distracted by many things. I need to be a bit more like Mary today. Think that'll make it into the sermon--it just might. Except I'm concerned all people will hear is, "Pastor Silent is moving to our town" not anything else.
On the job front:
Hubby has a job interview for a much better job! About 15-20 minutes from our new community. That's in the morning. We thought he was a long shot for the interview, so this is promising. I so hope for him that he moves forward, though he seems not too confident. I wish I had more time with him tonight to help him prepare. I have meetings all evening.
Me--I'm doing okay. Wanted to have my sermon for this weekend done already; I know, it's only Tuesday, but I didn't preach last weekend, so I was hoping. I'm struggling with how to teach 100+ people (mostly adults) how to communicate and how to plan. No surprises, just not sure how to proceed.
On the home front:
Hubby is also working his summer job an hour away from home (not in the direction of the new community--the other way) where he lives in a hotel and is gone all the time. Except he's had to come home alot for housing things. So...my mom is here. Still taking Baby Girl to daycare so as not to mess up her routine too much but mom is here to get her when I have evenings. It's mostly good; but it's going to be a long couple weeks.
Tuesday, July 06, 2010
Anonymity
I blog anonymously; it is my choice, my way of being my shy introvert self in this big internet world. It's my way of being private; a way to make it 'safer' for me to share deepest thoughts and feelings. Anyone who knows me in real life would have no trouble identifying me if they came across this blog. And I don't think I've said anything that would be deadly or career-threatening if found by a member of a congregation. I've said things I wouldn't necessarily want to be told--like when I was in the call process, etc. BUT I'm not blogging for anyone else but me. I'm not trying to start a conversation about what is wrong with a certain group and how it can improve.
I recently received a letter with the first entry of a blog and a blog address that does such a thing. Part of me really wanted to just trash the letter and go no further, but I decided to read the blog. And I find what irks me is that the poster's identity is 'Facilitator'--based on what 'Facilitator' writes, the higher ups in the organization that s/he says s/he has spoken with would know who it is. But the rest of us don't. Oh--and the kicker is that the stated goal relates to transparency. Um...is it just me or wouldn't somehow including your identity go a long way towards transparency?
Now I'm torn--part of me wants to comment (with my real name) on the blog and call him/her on that. But at the same time, I don't want to give the blog credibility. So...any suggestions?
I recently received a letter with the first entry of a blog and a blog address that does such a thing. Part of me really wanted to just trash the letter and go no further, but I decided to read the blog. And I find what irks me is that the poster's identity is 'Facilitator'--based on what 'Facilitator' writes, the higher ups in the organization that s/he says s/he has spoken with would know who it is. But the rest of us don't. Oh--and the kicker is that the stated goal relates to transparency. Um...is it just me or wouldn't somehow including your identity go a long way towards transparency?
Now I'm torn--part of me wants to comment (with my real name) on the blog and call him/her on that. But at the same time, I don't want to give the blog credibility. So...any suggestions?
Thursday, June 24, 2010
House Hunting
So today, hubby and I spent 3 hours looking at houses. We visited 10 homes--only saw 9. One we showed up and the people were there and told the realtor they had canceled. Oops. But we narrowed it down to 4; one we really, really like and the others with potential. The one that was my dream home months ago--well, it had serious water damage this spring. The realtor said there was no way she'd recommend buying it. With that, we can agree--it had a really nice main floor layout though. We didn't even look at more of the home, but since were spending the day looking I wanted to see inside.
Our house is now listed on our local for-sale-by-owner site. Two realtors have made contact with us about bringing their clients in to see it. That is awesome! (It just went up 2 days ago.) Using the MLS on our local realty site, there are virtually no other homes in the price range we are priced at now. (There are serious like 5 within a span of $50,000 and most of those are more 'in-town' while we are almost in the country.) We are hopeful. If we don't sell in 30 days (or sooner if we decide we need to move on our really, really like home), we will list with a realtor. That way it'll be better for us if we want to make an offer on a new home contigent on the sale of our current home. I am choosing not to worry until after we get home from our conference/vacation/time away this coming week. When we get home, we'll go from here.
If Baby Girl's sign about 'her room' was really a sign that that is our home (and it is still the one we really, really like), it'll still be on the market next week. If not, we'll go from there. I'm just glad it feel like progress.
Now--for at least one sermon. I meant to write last night, but I've been fighting a cold or something. I got into bed at 8:30 last night, just after Baby Girl. I was out by 9 and slept almost straight through until 6 when Baby Girl woke us up. I feel much better today; will feel even better when Sunday's sermon is done!
Our house is now listed on our local for-sale-by-owner site. Two realtors have made contact with us about bringing their clients in to see it. That is awesome! (It just went up 2 days ago.) Using the MLS on our local realty site, there are virtually no other homes in the price range we are priced at now. (There are serious like 5 within a span of $50,000 and most of those are more 'in-town' while we are almost in the country.) We are hopeful. If we don't sell in 30 days (or sooner if we decide we need to move on our really, really like home), we will list with a realtor. That way it'll be better for us if we want to make an offer on a new home contigent on the sale of our current home. I am choosing not to worry until after we get home from our conference/vacation/time away this coming week. When we get home, we'll go from here.
If Baby Girl's sign about 'her room' was really a sign that that is our home (and it is still the one we really, really like), it'll still be on the market next week. If not, we'll go from there. I'm just glad it feel like progress.
Now--for at least one sermon. I meant to write last night, but I've been fighting a cold or something. I got into bed at 8:30 last night, just after Baby Girl. I was out by 9 and slept almost straight through until 6 when Baby Girl woke us up. I feel much better today; will feel even better when Sunday's sermon is done!
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Crazy Busy
Life is crazy busy!!
We celebrated Baby Girl's second birthday on Memorial Day! She's such a big girl--Baby Girl doesn't so much fit any more. But it still does too--she's my precious angel, even as she asserts that she is indeed two and has the tantrums to prove it! Really, though, she's pretty laid back and not as 'terrible' as many other two year olds I've known. I cannot believe it's two years. She is still my heart. Next week, my hubby and I are headed south for a conference for me and an extra day just for us. We will be leaving her with her grandparents from Sunday morning until Thursday evening. That will be the longest I've ever been away from her--and the longest we've both been away from her at the same time. We have only both been away from her at the same time for one 24 hour stretch. I think it will be very hard on me. But I'm looking forward to the conference and time just with hubby!
This week, we have appointments for loan preapprovals and house hunts. We are listing our house on a 'for sale by owner' site--it should be up this afternoon. It's taking a bunch of my work week do do these meetings, but I'm ready to get this going! Pray for the house to sell quickly and for our house hunting... We went to an open house on Saturday and got the sign that it was time to move forward. We went to the upstairs of this house; Baby Girl went into the smallest bedroom (the one with pinkish walls), spun in circles and said, 'Baby Girl's room.' She loved the room next to it too (that one had a kid's table and chair set in it). So, while me might not end up in that house--it seemed like as good a sign as any to get us on the move. Or rather, a good sing for my hubby--I've been ready for some time!
Church is good--I'm loving the people and the place. Frustrations about some things, but things I anticipated to be frustrated about. So much could be written, but I need to write a sermon for this week (and hopefully start next week's so I don't have to do that away). I was hoping posting would get the writing juices flowing.
We celebrated Baby Girl's second birthday on Memorial Day! She's such a big girl--Baby Girl doesn't so much fit any more. But it still does too--she's my precious angel, even as she asserts that she is indeed two and has the tantrums to prove it! Really, though, she's pretty laid back and not as 'terrible' as many other two year olds I've known. I cannot believe it's two years. She is still my heart. Next week, my hubby and I are headed south for a conference for me and an extra day just for us. We will be leaving her with her grandparents from Sunday morning until Thursday evening. That will be the longest I've ever been away from her--and the longest we've both been away from her at the same time. We have only both been away from her at the same time for one 24 hour stretch. I think it will be very hard on me. But I'm looking forward to the conference and time just with hubby!
This week, we have appointments for loan preapprovals and house hunts. We are listing our house on a 'for sale by owner' site--it should be up this afternoon. It's taking a bunch of my work week do do these meetings, but I'm ready to get this going! Pray for the house to sell quickly and for our house hunting... We went to an open house on Saturday and got the sign that it was time to move forward. We went to the upstairs of this house; Baby Girl went into the smallest bedroom (the one with pinkish walls), spun in circles and said, 'Baby Girl's room.' She loved the room next to it too (that one had a kid's table and chair set in it). So, while me might not end up in that house--it seemed like as good a sign as any to get us on the move. Or rather, a good sing for my hubby--I've been ready for some time!
Church is good--I'm loving the people and the place. Frustrations about some things, but things I anticipated to be frustrated about. So much could be written, but I need to write a sermon for this week (and hopefully start next week's so I don't have to do that away). I was hoping posting would get the writing juices flowing.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Is it cheating
if, during my 3rd sermon/4th Sunday at New Church, I use this (almost 4 minute) video as half of my sermon when it fits my setting so amazingly well?
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Radio Messages
There are some who would say that a certain song being played on the radio is a sign from God. I am not one of them. I don't believe that God will cause a dj to pick a certain song to play just because I need to hear it. I do, however, think that God can stir my heart so that I pay particular attention to a certain song.
This morning on my long drive to New Church, a song that I've come to love came on the radio. Some of the words are "I don’t wanna go through the motions I don’t wanna go one more day Without Your all consuming passion inside of me I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking What if I had given everything? Instead of going through the motions." This song had become somewhat of a mantra the last year (years?) at First Church. I felt like I was just shuffling along, doing what needed to be done, but it was mostly about going through the motions and I wanted to be giving and doing more, but not there. This morning, the song came on and I turned up the radio and all of a sudden it was quiet.
Hmm, I thought. And I turned the radio off and back on and then just decided to wait. I found out later that the tower had been struck by lightning which caused them to go off the air for a few minutes. And I really don't think God had lightning strike that tower just so I'd hear certain songs. But the words that came on mid-song when service resumed, "this is where the healing begins, this is where the healing begins."
I wasn't wounded, but I was disheartened. I was tired and 'going through the motions.' Now, I'm further along a path. I'm in a new place; I'm excited and looking forward. Thanks God--for this new place and for the songs.
This morning on my long drive to New Church, a song that I've come to love came on the radio. Some of the words are "I don’t wanna go through the motions I don’t wanna go one more day Without Your all consuming passion inside of me I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking What if I had given everything? Instead of going through the motions." This song had become somewhat of a mantra the last year (years?) at First Church. I felt like I was just shuffling along, doing what needed to be done, but it was mostly about going through the motions and I wanted to be giving and doing more, but not there. This morning, the song came on and I turned up the radio and all of a sudden it was quiet.
Hmm, I thought. And I turned the radio off and back on and then just decided to wait. I found out later that the tower had been struck by lightning which caused them to go off the air for a few minutes. And I really don't think God had lightning strike that tower just so I'd hear certain songs. But the words that came on mid-song when service resumed, "this is where the healing begins, this is where the healing begins."
I wasn't wounded, but I was disheartened. I was tired and 'going through the motions.' Now, I'm further along a path. I'm in a new place; I'm excited and looking forward. Thanks God--for this new place and for the songs.
Saturday, May 01, 2010
Day One
Today's my first day at my new church. I drove down this morning for a women's group--5 ladies and me. It was a much smaller day than my first day at First Church, but a good one. And someone/they had cleaned out my office. Yes, there is still a bookshelf full of things--many of which I'm not sure I want/need or even that they want/need. But it's tidy and clearly an effort was put into it and that means a lot! Small children even made 'welcome pastor' signs. It feels really nice. I will be installed tomorrow during worship and potluck welcome will follow. Then will begin the sharp learning curve!!
On the way home, I drove past First Church and my name was still on the sign. As long as we live here, I'm debating just watching to see when it comes down. (As opposed to emailing and saying--hey, my name's on the sign).
The rest of today is lots of work at home, hopefully going to get a haircut and getting ready for tomorrow and a new week. And a new schedule--Baby Girl will go to daycare 4 days a week--at least for now. I'm going to take Fridays off--because I finally can. Lots of driving will happen in the forseeable future. I need to get some books I think.
It's new and exciting--like many May 1sts have been for me. It's scary too, but in a good way. I just need to stay focused and grounded and not allow more worries than necessary to creep in. It'll be okay; it'll be good. As my CPE supervisor made me say to myself so often that I made a sign of it for my desk, "I am more competent than I think and more capable than I realize." Darn him for being right!
That and deep breaths and prayers and excited hugs and cuddles from Baby Girl when I get home will see me through.
On the way home, I drove past First Church and my name was still on the sign. As long as we live here, I'm debating just watching to see when it comes down. (As opposed to emailing and saying--hey, my name's on the sign).
The rest of today is lots of work at home, hopefully going to get a haircut and getting ready for tomorrow and a new week. And a new schedule--Baby Girl will go to daycare 4 days a week--at least for now. I'm going to take Fridays off--because I finally can. Lots of driving will happen in the forseeable future. I need to get some books I think.
It's new and exciting--like many May 1sts have been for me. It's scary too, but in a good way. I just need to stay focused and grounded and not allow more worries than necessary to creep in. It'll be okay; it'll be good. As my CPE supervisor made me say to myself so often that I made a sign of it for my desk, "I am more competent than I think and more capable than I realize." Darn him for being right!
That and deep breaths and prayers and excited hugs and cuddles from Baby Girl when I get home will see me through.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Oddness
I am home alone today--ALONE. I'm so very rarely home all by myself it feels very weird. I took Baby Girl to daycare as it is her usual day. I went to church and finished cleaning out my office and turned in my key. And I still forgot to look at the sign to see if they have taken my name off. I might just have to do that this afternoon to satisfy my curiosity.
I start at new church tomorrow--I really need pseudonyms. I have been invited to a women's gathering that is pretty early in the morning and I'm not sure I want to go. I even said that I didn't think I would, but I will. I was hoping to have the day home with hubby to keep working on our house. I guess it's more important that I start down there. I will go and then spend time starting to get my office in order. Unless the members went in this week, I have to clean up the stuff left by the interim. I realize that not everyone is as neat/spotless as me--at least when it comes to leaving places for other people, but I can dream.
It feels very odd to be done at the first church, maybe I'll call it that (First Church) as it was my first call. But new place--what to call it?
Anyway, it's just an odd place to be in--this in-between place. And not moving home yet and not even having a date on the horizon. When we moved here, we had our house for sale or maybe even sold with the closing set for the end of the month. Now we don't even have our house listed.
Hubby is looking for new job options for himself so he wants to hold off just a bit more as a different job would impact our home options and location needs, so.... However, I have this goal. We will be ready to take pictures for our on-line ad by Friday next week--a week from today. I'm going to take Fridays off in the new place, so it'll be my next day home. We may still have a few things to do--like clean closets, etc. we can take photos anyhow.
Wow--this was really boring. I thought I had more exciting thoughts. I guess I'm tired.
I start at new church tomorrow--I really need pseudonyms. I have been invited to a women's gathering that is pretty early in the morning and I'm not sure I want to go. I even said that I didn't think I would, but I will. I was hoping to have the day home with hubby to keep working on our house. I guess it's more important that I start down there. I will go and then spend time starting to get my office in order. Unless the members went in this week, I have to clean up the stuff left by the interim. I realize that not everyone is as neat/spotless as me--at least when it comes to leaving places for other people, but I can dream.
It feels very odd to be done at the first church, maybe I'll call it that (First Church) as it was my first call. But new place--what to call it?
Anyway, it's just an odd place to be in--this in-between place. And not moving home yet and not even having a date on the horizon. When we moved here, we had our house for sale or maybe even sold with the closing set for the end of the month. Now we don't even have our house listed.
Hubby is looking for new job options for himself so he wants to hold off just a bit more as a different job would impact our home options and location needs, so.... However, I have this goal. We will be ready to take pictures for our on-line ad by Friday next week--a week from today. I'm going to take Fridays off in the new place, so it'll be my next day home. We may still have a few things to do--like clean closets, etc. we can take photos anyhow.
Wow--this was really boring. I thought I had more exciting thoughts. I guess I'm tired.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Frustrations in Moving, Part 2
House hunting--maybe? I found an awesome house on-line. From what I can tell on-line. I really really want to go see it, but we don't have ours ready to list yet. And, do we call a realtor we know? Especially since we are going to try to sell on our own. Or do we just call for an appointment? Or do we wait? Ugh.
I have too many books--too, too many. I am in the midst of boxing and packing and I have so many. I just want to be done packing my office!
And I'm packing to procrastinate the sermon writing. My final sermon here is this weekend. I have a one paragraph idea of what I want to say. It needs to be longer, but I just can't get into it. It will come--it always does.
I have too many books--too, too many. I am in the midst of boxing and packing and I have so many. I just want to be done packing my office!
And I'm packing to procrastinate the sermon writing. My final sermon here is this weekend. I have a one paragraph idea of what I want to say. It needs to be longer, but I just can't get into it. It will come--it always does.
Monday, April 05, 2010
Frustrations in Moving
Oh--there are many, and many more to be sure, but this is today....
MIL and FIL here to 'help'--brought with almost 3 year old nephew--who is getting along fairly well with almost 2 year old Baby Girl--but finding jobs for MIL to do is challenging. She wants to be helping but doesn't realize that occupying the kids is more help than having the tv babysit them while she tries to clean something
Trying to box somethings but leave enough that staging the house will be good. We want to get it on the market soon and start looking. So packing, but not packing everything. It's a challenge. We did decide to rent a storage unit today. Decided it was worth it compared to the hassle of sending things home with MIL/FIL to store for us.
And packing, packing, and stopping because all the boxes are in one of the two rooms where toddlers are now napping. Need to get something done but not sure what at this point--need help from Hubby but also know that he needs to be working on the garage
But...it's Easter, it's a new beginning, a new start...
My Easter sermon involved talking about playing peek-a-boo with Baby Girl...must remember her joyous smile!
MIL and FIL here to 'help'--brought with almost 3 year old nephew--who is getting along fairly well with almost 2 year old Baby Girl--but finding jobs for MIL to do is challenging. She wants to be helping but doesn't realize that occupying the kids is more help than having the tv babysit them while she tries to clean something
Trying to box somethings but leave enough that staging the house will be good. We want to get it on the market soon and start looking. So packing, but not packing everything. It's a challenge. We did decide to rent a storage unit today. Decided it was worth it compared to the hassle of sending things home with MIL/FIL to store for us.
And packing, packing, and stopping because all the boxes are in one of the two rooms where toddlers are now napping. Need to get something done but not sure what at this point--need help from Hubby but also know that he needs to be working on the garage
But...it's Easter, it's a new beginning, a new start...
My Easter sermon involved talking about playing peek-a-boo with Baby Girl...must remember her joyous smile!
Thursday, April 01, 2010
To Do Lists
My 'to do' list at my current congregation is getting shorter and shorter. It is feeling good to mark things off the list. The list doesn't include lots of things like packing up my office and turning over files, etc. but rather the tasks, the events, the sermons.
I'm trying not to start my 'to do' list for my new congregation too soon. But things are already creeping onto it.
And, don't get me started on the home to do list--yikes! Lots to do to get our house ready to sell; once we list it we can start doing serious house-hunting in the new town. It's not looking really great in our price range, but we'll manage.
Number one, however, on my list is the item I'm struggling with--Easter morning sermon. Have seriously been lacking sermon mojo here for some time; I was hopeful knowing change is coming would help. Not so far. I'll get there somehow; I always do. Just wish it felt more like a gift of the Spirit to have the opportunity to preach here and now and less like an item on my to do list.
I'm trying not to start my 'to do' list for my new congregation too soon. But things are already creeping onto it.
And, don't get me started on the home to do list--yikes! Lots to do to get our house ready to sell; once we list it we can start doing serious house-hunting in the new town. It's not looking really great in our price range, but we'll manage.
Number one, however, on my list is the item I'm struggling with--Easter morning sermon. Have seriously been lacking sermon mojo here for some time; I was hopeful knowing change is coming would help. Not so far. I'll get there somehow; I always do. Just wish it felt more like a gift of the Spirit to have the opportunity to preach here and now and less like an item on my to do list.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
St. Patrick's Day
Okay--really not at all about St. Patrick's Day--just couldn't think of a better title. Tomorrow is the day that the letter goes in the mail and the church council finds out. Friday I'll be making some calls to some people that I think might want to hear directly from me. I'm nervous about this part even as I'm excited about the future. Prayers appreciated.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Expectations and Hopes
For now I will just say that things went as I hoped on Sunday. Now there are lots of expectations. I will write more soon.
Wednesday, March 03, 2010
Cutie
Apparently we aren't the only ones who think our Baby Girl is a cutie. Last night we went to my stepdaughter's choir concert. As we waiting for the concert to begin, a little girl about 8 or so came over. "Excuse me, ma'am. Can I take a picture of your baby?" I said sure. She used a cell phone and took a picture. As she and her giggly friend walked away, she said, "We'll have to keep that one." It made me giggle. There were lots of other babies/toddlers there and Baby Girl was by far the cutest! :)
Friday, February 26, 2010
Inquiring Minds Want to Know
Okay--so 2 out of 3 readers want to know what's going on with me and a possible new call. And this is a lovely procrastination tool for the sermon that doesn't seem to want to get written for this weekend.
A congregation about 45 minutes from here will be voting whether or not to extend me a call on Sunday, March 7th. Their proposal for compensation was well below synod guidelines and even more below what I'm receiving in my current setting. (Because of insurance coverage costs.) My hubby and I met with them and proposed a middle ground--I took him with, it was ridiculous not to--we make financial decisions together and it would have delayed the process to have to talk to him before agreeing. So, I still would be making less than here/less than guidelines, but Baby Girl would have insurance coverage along with me and we think the 'quality of life' benefits would outweigh the cost. And Hubby could keep his job though we'd move closer to the new place. (He currently drives about 15-20 minutes in the direction of the new place from where we are now.) So, this tiny, struggling financially congregation will be voting on calling me AND a salary package bigger than they had budgeted for. So...we'll see.
And I'm okay because lots of things make it seem like it will happen, though it's by no means a done deal. And, if it doesn't happen, Hubby is committed to doing everything in his power to get a new job for himself to get me out of here!
So...there you have it. Now to the sermon for this weekend! Brilliant ideas on that are welcome! Somehow I've never preached on this particular Sunday of the church year, so I really have nothing.
A congregation about 45 minutes from here will be voting whether or not to extend me a call on Sunday, March 7th. Their proposal for compensation was well below synod guidelines and even more below what I'm receiving in my current setting. (Because of insurance coverage costs.) My hubby and I met with them and proposed a middle ground--I took him with, it was ridiculous not to--we make financial decisions together and it would have delayed the process to have to talk to him before agreeing. So, I still would be making less than here/less than guidelines, but Baby Girl would have insurance coverage along with me and we think the 'quality of life' benefits would outweigh the cost. And Hubby could keep his job though we'd move closer to the new place. (He currently drives about 15-20 minutes in the direction of the new place from where we are now.) So, this tiny, struggling financially congregation will be voting on calling me AND a salary package bigger than they had budgeted for. So...we'll see.
And I'm okay because lots of things make it seem like it will happen, though it's by no means a done deal. And, if it doesn't happen, Hubby is committed to doing everything in his power to get a new job for himself to get me out of here!
So...there you have it. Now to the sermon for this weekend! Brilliant ideas on that are welcome! Somehow I've never preached on this particular Sunday of the church year, so I really have nothing.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Keeping My Mouth Shut
I am writing this because I need to keep my mouth shut.
I remember baptizing this little boy who died, marking his forehead with the sign of the cross. "Child of God, you have been sealed by the Holy Spirit and marked with the cross of Christ forever." I remember his bright blue eyes, the way he was one of the first children I ever made real eye contact with as they were baptized--believing, knowing, he looked into my eyes as I said these words to him. I remember when he was diagnosed and telling his mom that I didn't know what to say, but if there was anything I could do--come over and wash dishes even--I would. I read his website faithfully, trying to be connected when he did not get out of the house much and the family had supports beside us for actual visits. (Though we talked regularly with the parents.) I have felt more than once that I was to be here to do his funeral--most strongly felt that when I was discerning whether or not to move 2ish years ago.
And now, I will be involved in the funeral, but not preaching. And I began to question, was I really not the one who poured the baptismal waters? Am I thinking of the wrong little boy? But my pastoral reports indeed say that I presided at this baptism. According to senior pastor, he's preaching because he presided at the baptism. And I wonder--did that come from him or the family? If they remember him, fine. But if he doesn't remember....
I obviously would never say something to the family. Losing your 6 year old son is more than enough grief. I want to say something to senior pastor, but what good would it do? So, I'm keeping my mouth shut. I will do my best at the funeral and I will do my best to love the family.
God claimed this little boy in the waters anyway--I was just the hands; it could have be any hands. And now God has claimed this little boy again--for all eternity. I've got to get out of the way.
I remember baptizing this little boy who died, marking his forehead with the sign of the cross. "Child of God, you have been sealed by the Holy Spirit and marked with the cross of Christ forever." I remember his bright blue eyes, the way he was one of the first children I ever made real eye contact with as they were baptized--believing, knowing, he looked into my eyes as I said these words to him. I remember when he was diagnosed and telling his mom that I didn't know what to say, but if there was anything I could do--come over and wash dishes even--I would. I read his website faithfully, trying to be connected when he did not get out of the house much and the family had supports beside us for actual visits. (Though we talked regularly with the parents.) I have felt more than once that I was to be here to do his funeral--most strongly felt that when I was discerning whether or not to move 2ish years ago.
And now, I will be involved in the funeral, but not preaching. And I began to question, was I really not the one who poured the baptismal waters? Am I thinking of the wrong little boy? But my pastoral reports indeed say that I presided at this baptism. According to senior pastor, he's preaching because he presided at the baptism. And I wonder--did that come from him or the family? If they remember him, fine. But if he doesn't remember....
I obviously would never say something to the family. Losing your 6 year old son is more than enough grief. I want to say something to senior pastor, but what good would it do? So, I'm keeping my mouth shut. I will do my best at the funeral and I will do my best to love the family.
God claimed this little boy in the waters anyway--I was just the hands; it could have be any hands. And now God has claimed this little boy again--for all eternity. I've got to get out of the way.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Not about me, but about me
So...I am hopefully done playing nurse to my family. Hubby is on the mend--feels good today. Sees eye doctor tomorrow. Baby Girl was her full, happy, bubbly, perky self this morning. She see's doc on Friday just to be sure.
I need desperately to get my sermon for tomorrow written, but just got a sad phone call (for lack of a better word). A little boy was just admitted to a hospice house this morning--he has outlived his diagnosis for much longer than any of us expected. My heart aches for this family--this little boy whose forehead I marked with the sign of the cross on his baptismal day just over 6 years ago.
A few years ago, I thought I was going to move, but had this nagging feeling that I was supposed to stay until I did his funeral. Well--I didn't move then--for lots of reasons. And now--in just a few weeks, a different congregation will be voting to extend me a call. (It's by no means definite; money is a huge factor but that's another post.) If they do call me, it'll be a few months yet before moving. Just recently I said to my hubby, I haven't thought about this boy's funeral for some time. But today, I wonder. Is this what I am here for?
I need desperately to get my sermon for tomorrow written, but just got a sad phone call (for lack of a better word). A little boy was just admitted to a hospice house this morning--he has outlived his diagnosis for much longer than any of us expected. My heart aches for this family--this little boy whose forehead I marked with the sign of the cross on his baptismal day just over 6 years ago.
A few years ago, I thought I was going to move, but had this nagging feeling that I was supposed to stay until I did his funeral. Well--I didn't move then--for lots of reasons. And now--in just a few weeks, a different congregation will be voting to extend me a call. (It's by no means definite; money is a huge factor but that's another post.) If they do call me, it'll be a few months yet before moving. Just recently I said to my hubby, I haven't thought about this boy's funeral for some time. But today, I wonder. Is this what I am here for?
Friday, February 12, 2010
So What's Next?
A toddler with a double ear infection.
And raspy chest so on medicine for that too so that it doesn't turn to pneumonia.
And raspy chest so on medicine for that too so that it doesn't turn to pneumonia.
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
Seriously?
So my iphone wouldn't cooperate with attempt #1--which would not have been complete because that was Sunday morning.
Blogger/my computer ate attempt #2.
Here's #3...
Seriously, how much more can we take?
I spent from 3 a.m. to 10:30 a.m. Sunday morning with my hubby in the ER
(Add this to the list of why I'm glad I'm an associate for now--my role for Sunday morning services was to lead worship/preside--senior could manage on his own quite nicely)
He is 'a freak of nature'--the doctor's term, really. Apparently people don't have 2 kidney stones (1 in each kidney) at the same time--at least very often.
Saw the urologist Monday a.m., which ended up involving a 'procedure'--code for knocking hubby out and putting stents in each tube from each kidney to bladder. Stones broke up with the scope so they should just pass, stents will be removed next week. But now there is pain from the procedure--mostly just when he pees, but also some pain from the stents being put in.
The good news, seriously, in all of this is that my mom was in town, so Baby Girl did not have to go with to either. She was able to stay asleep in her bed and then have someone who loved her and know her routine to wake up to. She's confused, we can tell. But she is loved. And it made 7 hours in the ER and hours in the waiting room at the surgery center much more bearable knowing whose hands she was in.
Add to this a waiting game for me about something potentially significant and I'm fried. Trying very hard to finish Sunday's sermon today so I can start on Ash Wednesday tomorrow. Yucky weather here, so at least when I go home this early afternoon I do not have to come back out for a meeting I was supposed to have. That's something at least.
Blogger/my computer ate attempt #2.
Here's #3...
Seriously, how much more can we take?
I spent from 3 a.m. to 10:30 a.m. Sunday morning with my hubby in the ER
(Add this to the list of why I'm glad I'm an associate for now--my role for Sunday morning services was to lead worship/preside--senior could manage on his own quite nicely)
He is 'a freak of nature'--the doctor's term, really. Apparently people don't have 2 kidney stones (1 in each kidney) at the same time--at least very often.
Saw the urologist Monday a.m., which ended up involving a 'procedure'--code for knocking hubby out and putting stents in each tube from each kidney to bladder. Stones broke up with the scope so they should just pass, stents will be removed next week. But now there is pain from the procedure--mostly just when he pees, but also some pain from the stents being put in.
The good news, seriously, in all of this is that my mom was in town, so Baby Girl did not have to go with to either. She was able to stay asleep in her bed and then have someone who loved her and know her routine to wake up to. She's confused, we can tell. But she is loved. And it made 7 hours in the ER and hours in the waiting room at the surgery center much more bearable knowing whose hands she was in.
Add to this a waiting game for me about something potentially significant and I'm fried. Trying very hard to finish Sunday's sermon today so I can start on Ash Wednesday tomorrow. Yucky weather here, so at least when I go home this early afternoon I do not have to come back out for a meeting I was supposed to have. That's something at least.
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