Few Words

Yesterday was my day off and since Hubby is out of town for his summer job, Baby Girl and I were home alone all day. And, I suddenly realized, at least one reason it is so exhausting to be home with her alone all day. There are so few words.

When I'm home alone alone, I usually have the tv on for background noise. I don't want her watching tv, so I don't have it on. Other spaces, I usually have the radio on if I'm alone. When I'm in the office, even if there's no talking, I'm still surrounded by words--written though, either on computer or in books.

Baby Girl says a few words, but more or less, the only words are in the books we read (which though there are many books, the vocabularly is still quite limited) or in the words I say. And when it comes to spoken words, being surrounded by only mine--not so exciting.

Hmm, guess we should listen to the radio. But Grandma J. comes tomorrow for about 2 weeks, so there will be words again!

Quiet and Chaos

It is nearly absolute quiet in my house. Baby Girl is sleeping (despite the wailing siren of the ambulance that just went by). Hubby is away--gone for the month for his summer job. Grandma J. will be coming on Wednesday to babysit while I work. So tonight through Wednesday, I'm on my own with Baby Girl. I'm sure we'll do fine, but right now the house is so quiet!

In the midst of the chaos of daily life, of poopy diapers, of little fingers getting into mischief, of balancing work and home, of not getting dishes washed or floors vacuumed, of toys spread out throughout the house and toys not as appealing as whatever it is Mommy and Daddy are trying to accomplish, I crave the quiet.

Now, in the quiet--I crave the chaos. I have forced myself to leave the tv off, to listen only to the sounds of my fingers on the keyboard, the ceiling fans whirring above my head, the cars speeding past the windows, the occasional boom of (I'm sure) illegal firework, and even that siren. (Which I wonder if will return or head another route to a hospital.) In the quiet, I feel so alone, so disconnected.

I have a to-do list a mile long. There is so much I 'should' do right now while I have the quiet and no little hands vying for my attention. But all I want to do is lose myself in something outside of my life--a tv show, a book, a magazine, a blog. I don't want to be Mommy at the moment; I don't want to be wife at the moment; and I certainly don't want to be Pastor. Those titles all feel so full of chaos.

But yet, those define me--perhaps not all of me, but me in this season. And so I guess I'll turn the tv on, tidy up some spaces, and give thanks for both the quiet and the chaos.

Sermonizing

So I'm working on a sermon for this weekend that is turning out to be much more difficult than I anticipated. We are doing a new summer program for families at church this year. This Sunday's event is basically on of our usual liturgies (a contemporary-ish setting) with just a few tweaks--a few things taken out so it is shorter and song selections that are a bit more 'kid-friendly.' We decided to have no children's sermon and no 'regular' sermon, but just one. In many ways, it will be more like a children's sermon. My plan is to make a circle of parents with their kids in a circle in front of them. This way parents are still in charge of their own kids if they are wandering (instead of having all the kids up front with me). The challenging part is that I thought it would be easier to do this same sermon for our traditional services as well--now I'm not sure about that. So I'm struggling as I'm trying to write it. Plus--in theory, I'm on vacation this week, so I sorely lack motivation. I think the real reason I convinced myself it would be easier is that I just don't want to write another sermon. But, I must write at least one now!!

Really?

I don't think I'm a particularly closed-minded or conservative person, but perhaps I am. All I know is that I find it very disturbing that my stepdaughter's mother allowed her to get her bellybutton pierced--at not quite 16 years old. I'm trying to put myself in her position and I just can't get to a place where I'd allow it. If Baby Girl gets her belly-button pierced once she's 18 and out of high school, I won't kick her out of the house or anything...but before that? I don't think I could allow it.

One Year

One year ago at this time, I was cradling a tiny six pound bundle in my arms, wrapped in three warmed blankets. I had seen her fingers and toes from a distance, but she was so tiny they bundled her up so quick. I was aching to see those fingers and toes, but contented myself with examining her beautiful face, of holding her close, of wanting her to be warm, of the unbelievable reality of what the day had brought. Baby Girl had entered the world at 6:58 p.m.

Right now, it's 8:22 p.m. It's been a long and exhausting day. Sundays are for me anyhow, but we celebrated this little bundle today. Only one uncle (my sister's husband) was unable to be here. Baby Girl's Grandma P. and Grandpa L. (Daddy's parents), Grandma J. (my mom), Auntie K. (my sister), Uncle B. (Daddy's brother) and Auntie C. (not to be confused with Auntie K. of the same sounding name) with their two boys, Big Brother, Big Sister, and Beloved Babysitter and her husband and four boys. But I was able to snuggle my baby girl who is getting so big--23 pounds or so and kiss her beautiful face, to marvel in what those tiny fingers can do today. It was a lovely day. I hoped to write poetically about this day--which I recently found out is a lesser church festival--the day of Mary's visitation to Elizabeth, and this day this year is Pentecost. Those posts will have to wait for when I have more energy.

For now, I am so thankful for the unbelievable reality of this day--this precious Baby Girl who was given to me, entered this world one year ago today, and continually reminds me how blessed I am.

Still Here

I feel like I need to write an update, comment upon the state of things right now. I debated on a title for the post and "Still Here" finally came. I guess that summarizes it...I'm still trying to decide if that's good or bad for now.

Still here--we are not moving north. The job I was a long-shot for that I agonized over (during Holy Week no less) will not be mine. And I'm okay with that...and I'm especially okay because the person who would have been my direct supervisor is someone that I dearly love and she basically told the HR department, "I don't know how you plan to do things, but I'm not leaving people hanging...I'm calling to say we aren't looking at their files anymore." We had a lovely visit and you could tell it hurt for her to say it, but in a good affirming way. And I told her that I thought I was a long-shot and really appreciated the call and knowing for sure. Now I need to get my tail in gear and email her a picture of Baby Girl. She asked...I'm not just the doting mom who thinks her baby is adorable. (And I'm not...JUST that anyway; I'm more.)

Still here--we are not moving west. The job my hubby interviewed for...well, the interview went well, but the situation was not quite what we expected. (Like no insurance coverage and not so much more income than he has now and about half the students.) His principal told him that it would be better to withdraw his name than to be offered the job and not take it. So, he called on the last day of their interviews to withdraw his name. That day I said to him, "You need to withdraw your name; I don't think it's right for us." He said, "That's what I was thinking; I just needed the push." But with no more interviews lined up, he keeps questioning the choice. And I keep saying, it was the right one. I've wanted to leave here for about 3 years--2 years ago this coming fall, I thought I was leaving. Then I turned down a call and found out I was pregnant not much later. Do I still want to move? YES. Do I want to move to a place where I can take some time off and stay home with Baby Girl? Even bigger YES. But even more, I want us both to feel like it's the right thing--or at least an okay thing. This place did not feel so okay the more we learned. And I also know--at this point in his career--I need to follow my hubby, not the other way around.

Still here--still wanting to be blogging, but finding it's the last thing to get done. I keep reading many other blogs--daily--obsessively. Really--I need an intervention I think. I have so many other things to read--books, magazines, etc. I need to get off-line. Plus, so often I find myself starting to comment and stop because I feel they turn into "all about me" moments instead of really affirming the blogger or their words. And I think..."gee, I should just write on my own blog." But I don't feel like I have anything to say...but I'm still here.

Wasting Time

I'm wasting time--feel like I must stay in the office a bit longer, but I'm very distracted so know I will get nothing productive done. Right now, my husband is about 15 minutes into a job interview. We are both anxious, though he is probably calmer than me at the moment. He is such a people person (yeah...I know, says the pastor who has contact with people all the time). But he is much more energetic and outgoing, especially when meeting new people. We both really want him to get this job and both really want him not to. It's not really in an ideal location, but he'd get to be a principal and I'd get to leave my job. If he does get it, I will probably try to get a another call as there is currently a church open 20 miles from the school. But, if I don't get that, we could probably afford for me to not work or maybe get a part-time job on weekends/evenings--not church-related, or supply preach or somthing. And...for good or bad, they told him that they expect the district to close completely within a few years. (Right now there is an elementary building...at 7th grade the kids can pick one of a few neighboring districts. There is a shared superintendent; he's interviewing for the principal job.) A few years of experience would be good; then we could move where he'd really want to. Baby Girl will be in school and I could go back to work if I haven't already. I want it to go well for him, but it's scary too. "How is it living life on the edge?" a friend asked me today. I just want to know which way we'll fall off I guess. At least with schools, he'll know soon enough. Probably as early as Friday (they told him they are doing interviews Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday). So...just a bit more waiting.