Wednesday, April 30, 2008


I'm trying to do better taking care of myself. In fact, I can feel that I'm doing better--at least some moments.

Yesterday afternoon, I went home for a while in the afternoon. It was a day and amount of time that I wouldn't have in the past. I laid down for a couple hours and ended up taking a nap for at least some of that time. It was glorious!

Today, I worked getting things accomplished all day and have just hit a wall. Unfortunately, there is no time to get a nap in now. I don't live far away from work, but far enough away that only having 45 minutes isn't enough time.

Thankfully tonight, though it still will be a few more hours, the plan is that I'm not in charge of anything really--just present. That I think I'll be able to handle. And I will sleep well tonight!

I got a lot accomplished today, so tomorrow won't be so bad and I'm taking Friday off!! I have plenty to do at home as guests are coming Saturday and my home is not currently guest ready, but that uses such different mental energy that it will be fine.

Wow--this is a very boring post, but I really wanted to write something. And I was hoping to get through this wall!

Monday, April 21, 2008

Looking Inside, Part Two

Pregnancy has helped me take some time to take some stock of my inner workings and I've realized some very important things. Though I guess I knew it on some level, I didn't let myself admit it until just recently. I've really been hanging on to my emotional health and well-being by a thread. I've been beyond high stress to potential burn-out and just barely staying sane and barely avoiding falling headlong into depression. And I've been hiding it well--because that's what I do. And in so doing, in hiding my feelings, in trying to function, I have a tendency to put others first without taking time to truly care for myself in the process.

As I face the remaining few months of my pregnancy, I've become even more aware of this. And I realize that when this baby is born, my baby will truly come first--even more so than I am now. And so, I'm making sure to take care of myself these months. And sometimes, that will cause me to do things that I maybe haven't done before. I might seem selfish or uncaring and I might hurt other's feelings. I might not be the colleague that is wanted, or expected, or maybe even the colleague I'd be if I was at my best. And I'm sorry if that stings or hurts feelings.

But I have to grasp hold of that thread and hang on and try to regain some emotional health. I'm scared that I will fall into post-partum depression and I've told my husband that, so he'll be on particular watch for that. And I also believe that the healthier I am prior to this baby's birth, the less likely that is to happen. So I've got to do this, to do what I need to manage my emotional health, even if it means someone's feelings will be hurt.

Now...if only I have the nerve to say this to the person who really needs to hear it, but probably won't hear it even if I say it.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Looking Inside

The title came--but that's about the only words right now.

I feel like I have so little to give...I am trying so hard to keep being who I've been for so long and I just can't do it. I'm trying to create some space, some framework, some sanity.

I am so grateful that my pregnancy has physically been so easy. If I had to deal with physical stuff too, I think I'd explode. Is there such a thing as pre-partum depression? Maybe that's just good old regular depression...and I've gotten really good at pushing through, trying to hide it, trying to keep giving to everyone and I can't do it.

I can barely get through 'tasks;' I don't have time for relationships too--especially one that took so much work before too.

Okay--I'm getting nowhere now except tears and I don't have time for them right now. It's Wednesday after all--confirmation lesson to set up teach, youth evening to pysch up for, in addition to the to-do list that's a mile long here, let alone the personal one.

I don't want solutions or attemps to fix...but if you read, I'd appreciate knowing I'm not alone.

I've got to make some time to look inside.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Moving Friday Five

Mother Laura at RevGals writes: We are right in the middle of a move--only twenty minutes away, but we're still a mix of busy, excited, nervous and surprisingly full of grief about what we're leaving, for me at least. So this week's Friday Five asks about your experience of the marvels and madness of moving...

1. How many times have you moved? When was the last time?
First move was when I was about a year old--across town. Does that count? The next moves were the annual moves to and from college. After that, it was a move to big city for seminary, a temporary summer move to live with my sister for CPE between my two years on campus. Then I got married and moved in with my husband. We lived in one place for about two years and them moved to our current town. We rented for about two months before purchasing our current home. My mom moved from my childhood home about three years ago. I haven't really moved a lot and the last move was about five years ago.

2. What do you love and hate about moving?
I hate packing and unpacking. I admit that I'm a 'sentimental saver.' Doesn't that sound better than 'packrat'? I'm working on that. I love getting to arrange a new space and make it home.

3. Do you do it yourself or hire movers?
When we moved to this town, the congregation paid for movers, otherwise it'd be on our own. I still did my own packing. And there were certain things that we moved ourselves, partly for 'security.' The hundred year old (or more) dishes that have been in my family for generations went in my car. Also, we did live in two cities for a month, so for half the month, each of us had the bulk of the furniture and the other had an air mattress and bare necessities.

4. Advice for surviving and thriving during a move?

5. Are you in the middle of any inner moves, if not outer ones?
See...last week I said that I could make any post or Friday Five about my baby...Here we go again. Moving inside me is a new life, a little person that I love so much. And that brings with it the move into motherhood. I've been a stepmom, but not custodial, and not for an infant, so it's a new territory. And I'm aching for an outer move too--or at least some sort of inner move that will allow me to thrive in this place once again.

Bonus: Share a piece of music/poetry/film/book that expresses something about what moving means to you.
I'll have to think longer and harder about this one!

Friday, April 04, 2008

God Revealed Friday Five

Sally at RevGals writes, "With this Sunday's gospel reading in mind, that wonderful revelation of Christ to the companions on the Emmaus road. I wonder where you might have been surprised by God's revelation recently.

So with no further waffle I offer you this weeks Friday 5:

How has God revealed him/herself to you in a:"

1. Book
I love books. I love words. I cannot think of a single book to answer this questions. However, in recent years, I've started to listen to books on tape. In fact, for my Lenten discipline last year, I listened to the entire Bible on CD whenever I was in my car. I think God is revealed more when I just surround myself with beautiful words--whether those are from the Bible, or fluff fiction reading, or serious reading, or blogs, or...

I don't watch a lot of movies, but after much thought, one came to mind. And I fully admit that it's a bit of a stretch, but my answer is The Terminal with Tom Hanks. Not a great cinematic masterpiece, but a decent movie. Within weeks of it coming out (maybe the Friday it came out), I was really struggling with writing a sermon. By Friday afternoon, I had zilch, nada, nothing to even begin to write a sermon with. So my husband and I went to a movie--The Terminal. I was determined that somehow it was going to relate--or if not, at least I'd be able to concentrate on sermonizing when the movie was over. I'm a lectionary preacher and one of the texts was 'the fruit of the Spirit.' I used the movie and Viktor (Tom Hank's character) as an example of living out these fruits. Viktor was led to live these fruits out in his life as he was guided and motivated by a promise that he made to his father. We, as Christians, are called to live out these fruits as we too are guided and motivated by a promise, but in our case, it's the promise that God makes to us, the promise of everlasting love. Everytime I think of the movie, I think of that too.

3. Song
Too many to count...mostly hymns, but many other songs too.

4. Another person
It seems to be my goal to make every Friday Five or post somehow about my baby! But really, being pregnant and carrying this other person in my body has shown me God in more ways that I could ever have thought possible.

5. Creation
This one deserves its own post--maybe someday. The short version is that in the midst of some difficult times, God wiped my tears off my face--figuratively and literally through the wonder of creation.