Friday, March 28, 2008

A Day to Breathe

Finally...a day to breathe. Actually probably even more. No plans for tonight, tomorrow or Monday. Sunday includes the usual morning of worship services, but I'm not preaching, so there isn't any prep and I have a one week reprieve from teaching Sunday School.

So this is my to do list....
1. breathe
2. sleep
3. eat

Well, there's more, but I'm giving myself permission to only accomplish the above. If any of the following get done, that's just a bonus...
1. scheduling some vacation days pre-baby
2. laundry
3. cleaning out/reorganizing spaces to prepare for baby
4. planning remainder of confirmation unit
5. doing some planning about what needs to be done at church prior to/during/immediately following my maternity leave
6. file some paperwork

Now--off to begin the breathing!

Saturday, March 22, 2008

"It is Finished"

That was my assigned portion of Jesus' Seven Last Words for our ecumenical Good Friday service last night.

But here's what is finished today...
my Easter sermon
my desire to do anything else productive
my desire to be around anyone, particularly one who doesn't have the patience for me to be frustrated occasionally, one who likes me when I'm happy or doing things that are for that one's benefit, so walks away if I'm remotely grumpy

Here's what has to get done yet today...
Easter vigil service
prep required for Easter children's sermon
newsletter article

What else in the next few days...
organizing papers for appointment with accountant at 9 a.m. Monday (what was I thinking?)
clean the house
next unit of confirmation curriculum
make the list of the 8000 things that need to be done soon and figure out what I need to do next in order to get to a place that is better for me emotionally

So what comes next?
Go through the motions and fake it the best I can because that's all I have to give right now.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Choose an Identity

Lately I've noticed on blogger comments, in order to post a comment, you have to "Choose an identity." And I do...I go about logging in so that I can post comments and responses to various posts. But I'm not sure in the years (is it possibly nearly two!?) I've been blogging that I've ever noticed those words before. Maybe it's because they seem to encapsulate some things going on in me right now.

So what are my choices?

Mommy ~ On and off (mostly on) throughout I the day, I feel this little person inside me. I can't tell yet what are kicks or pokes or what exactly the movements are. Sometimes I think the baby is hiccuping. I think it might freak me out if/when I can see the actual outline of a body part on my belly. And it's possible that as the baby gets bigger and gets more confined, it won't feel so good. But for now, this is what I love--what I live for. Feeling this little person, someone I love with more love than I ever thought possible. I am sure that I was created to be pregnant. I have never felt more like I am what I was created to be.

Pastor ~ Recently I had an interview for a different position, in many ways completely unlike my current one. One of the things that came out of my mouth was that I'm a pastor because that is who I am. The things that I do as a pastor I do because it's what I'd be doing anyhow--caring for others, loving others, endeavoring to share and show God's love to the world around me. I think that's true.

But I can't do it here. I am so ready to walk out of this building and not come back. Of course, there are people I love and people who I will deeply miss. But if my choices are mommy or pastor here, I think I just want mommy. Our budget won't allow me giving up an income. The place I interviewed is no longer an option...unless someone else turns them down. It's too far away to commute and I'm not going to try to switch doctors mid-pregnancy. this point, I don't know if I'm only out of the running because I can't start for months or something else. (If I'll ever know more than that, I'm not sure.)

So for today...I'm just looking ahead to Easter. Thinking about how I'm going to make it through the next week and a half. Then I'll start again...and try to figure out what comes next.

Friday, March 07, 2008

Signs of Spring Friday Five

Sally at RevGals writes, "It has been a difficult week here in Dowham Market, and yet in the sadness there have been signs of real hope, young people, often criticised have shown us how caring and amazing they are. It has also been a strange week; it snowed for almost the first time this winter, and yet many of the spring bulbs are blooming, and the trees are blossoming!

I believe that if we look carefully we can see signs of hope all around us.... as for signs of spring... well you tell me....

Bluebells in my garden, before the snow!"

What have you seen/ heard this week that was a :

1. Sign of hope?

Volunteers stepping forward for some exciting programs

2. An unexpected word of light in a dark place?

I was finally able to connect with a friend/colleague in person. We've been trying for a month but weather and other circumstances were preventing it. So, meeting was somewhat expected, but I didn't expect it to be so meaningful!

3. A sign of spring?

We can actually see some grass amidst the snow? I'm aching for more!!

4. Challenging/ surprising?

Right now, it feels like every piece of my job (and it feels like a job, not a call or ministry at the moment) is challenging--mostly though the emotional toll working with the other pastor is taking on me.

5. Share a hope for the coming week/month/year....

Week ~ get prepared for Holy Week
Month ~ get through Holy Week without too much exhaustion and then recover
Year ~ a relatively easy delivery of a healthy baby in June and that I'll be a good mom