Thoughts on Pregnancy

It's my blog, right? I can say whatever I want. But it sometimes is hard to admit things...and this is probably the best place to do it because those who read (those I know in real life and those I don't, but feel like I do from blogreading) seem like the people I can trust with these thoughts.

In early August, I had my annual physical. My doctor asked about whether or not we would have more kids. My response was that it was possible; we were discussing trying for a few months early in 2011. I also said, "Right now would be a horrible time to get pregnant; the timing would be really bad." (Because of the due date--more on that later!)

And then August passed and I was thinking lots of things. Hubby and I talked; he turns 40 in 2011. That's his cut-off for having kids. I get it; he has a 21 year old son, a 17 year old daughter and 2 1/2 year old Baby Girl. This is a big enough span--there's already the chance that Baby Girl and baby#2 will have close in age nieces or nephews. At least the older kids aren't trying to follow in their parents footsteps and start young! Stepson isn't really interested in girls, or rather he's socially awkward enough that he hasn't met people. Stepdaughter has a boyfriend, but (while I know it's possible) I think that both she and he are not to that point.

I was also thinking about the fact that I'm happy to be nearing the end of diapers and the need for 100% constant supervision. I'm in the throes of terrible two's and I don't know if I want to deal with that again. Baby Girl is still my heart and I don't know how I'll be able to share time and attention.

And then...I was late in September and in denial. I was particularly stressed; the start of a program year at a new call will do that to you. I had started a new generic of the same active birth control pill ingredient and when I've done that before, I've been late. And so I just kept going along. Until I realized that September came and went and I was REALLY late and I had other symptoms. So I took a pregnancy test.

And it was positive. Even though I can't read those stinking things...really, they are idiot-proof. I got the same kind I took with Baby Girl and I didn't read it right then either. Hubby looked at it and there was no doubt. And then when I paid attention to the picture that says which is which, I was like--duh!

And I wasn't thrilled. I wasn't elated. I was scared and unhappy and unsure. This wasn't how it was supposed to happen. I was at the point where I wasn't sure I wanted it to. But it had.