Balance and Guilt

So as I'm settling into my new call, my new home, my new life...I'm trying to find a new balance. A new balance in which guilt about not being good enough at anything seems to lurk just below the surface. And so, this afternoon, for this hour I'm sitting on my couch--home alone. I need to clean and organize and file at home; I need to write a sermon--ideally by 4 p.m. today so that it doesn't bleed into family time. But I need this too--just sitting in my home watching design tv. So I am--even though I could be wasting time in my office pretending to work. I'm trying not to feel guilty. I will go back to work soon and will really work. And my sermon will be done by Sunday morning--well Saturday evening this week as I'm preaching at a service then. I will spend the time I need to with my family. And stuff at home will get done when it gets done. I'll keep learning this balance. One design show at a time. Ha!

Thinking

This morning on my way into the office, I dropped Baby Girl off at daycare and then stopped in at my old church to give them our new address and just chat with secretary and senior pastor. It was nice. A bit weird, but nice too. As I was telling them about everything, senior pastor said something to the effect of "well it seems like you have 9 of the top 10 stressors." While I'm not sure I'd go that far, it's true too. Lots of good stresses right now--related to buying and selling homes. It's challenging. Then add family dynamics, a toddler, 40 minute commutes, church dynamics, hot and humid weather--it's no wonder I have a screaming headache that drugs haven't yet touched.



And this is robbing me of my sermon mo-jo. I have to write a wedding sermon for this weekend. Think I'm going to use most of an old one--just need to update it a bit. But I think the bulk of it will work. Goal is to get that done before leaving here tonight.



And then the weekend sermon. I have an old one that looked okay--before I went to text study. Now, not so much. But do I have anything better? No. Goal is to do that tomorrow morning. Plan to take tomorrow afternoon off--moving related needs. Thursday afternoon and evening are full. I do have Thursday morning, but...



I want so much to be a good preacher. In this place that is struggling, they need positive encouragement and also a kick in the butt. And worship is the place I have right now. We will be living here soon so I can have a better shot at other venues, but for now--this is it. The last line of the lectionary text is "how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!" Okay, God, some Holy Spirit sermon writing mo-jo would be good about now!



I feel like I can barely manage a coherent thought--trying to work seems so pointless. But this has to be done. And I hate it--I hate that we are trying to move at what feels like the busiest time. Perhaps there wouldn't be a better one. But there are so many phone calls and strangers and different people, my extraverted side is getting a workout and it's draining the introvert! And my husband's goals of getting fully moved in one day is killing the J in me. I want to start organized and not rushed. But that's doubtful. I never felt like we got fully situated in our last home 7 years ago--and certainly not after the total rearrangement with the birth of our girl 2 years ago. I do not want to start that way again. It drains me.



Just some thinking 'out-loud.' Hoping it gets the creative juices going.

Crazy Busy

Life is crazy busy!!

We celebrated Baby Girl's second birthday on Memorial Day! She's such a big girl--Baby Girl doesn't so much fit any more. But it still does too--she's my precious angel, even as she asserts that she is indeed two and has the tantrums to prove it! Really, though, she's pretty laid back and not as 'terrible' as many other two year olds I've known. I cannot believe it's two years. She is still my heart. Next week, my hubby and I are headed south for a conference for me and an extra day just for us. We will be leaving her with her grandparents from Sunday morning until Thursday evening. That will be the longest I've ever been away from her--and the longest we've both been away from her at the same time. We have only both been away from her at the same time for one 24 hour stretch. I think it will be very hard on me. But I'm looking forward to the conference and time just with hubby!

This week, we have appointments for loan preapprovals and house hunts. We are listing our house on a 'for sale by owner' site--it should be up this afternoon. It's taking a bunch of my work week do do these meetings, but I'm ready to get this going! Pray for the house to sell quickly and for our house hunting... We went to an open house on Saturday and got the sign that it was time to move forward. We went to the upstairs of this house; Baby Girl went into the smallest bedroom (the one with pinkish walls), spun in circles and said, 'Baby Girl's room.' She loved the room next to it too (that one had a kid's table and chair set in it). So, while me might not end up in that house--it seemed like as good a sign as any to get us on the move. Or rather, a good sing for my hubby--I've been ready for some time!

Church is good--I'm loving the people and the place. Frustrations about some things, but things I anticipated to be frustrated about. So much could be written, but I need to write a sermon for this week (and hopefully start next week's so I don't have to do that away). I was hoping posting would get the writing juices flowing.

Is it cheating

if, during my 3rd sermon/4th Sunday at New Church, I use this (almost 4 minute) video as half of my sermon when it fits my setting so amazingly well?

Radio Messages

There are some who would say that a certain song being played on the radio is a sign from God. I am not one of them. I don't believe that God will cause a dj to pick a certain song to play just because I need to hear it. I do, however, think that God can stir my heart so that I pay particular attention to a certain song.

This morning on my long drive to New Church, a song that I've come to love came on the radio. Some of the words are "I don’t wanna go through the motions I don’t wanna go one more day Without Your all consuming passion inside of me I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking What if I had given everything? Instead of going through the motions." This song had become somewhat of a mantra the last year (years?) at First Church. I felt like I was just shuffling along, doing what needed to be done, but it was mostly about going through the motions and I wanted to be giving and doing more, but not there. This morning, the song came on and I turned up the radio and all of a sudden it was quiet.

Hmm, I thought. And I turned the radio off and back on and then just decided to wait. I found out later that the tower had been struck by lightning which caused them to go off the air for a few minutes. And I really don't think God had lightning strike that tower just so I'd hear certain songs. But the words that came on mid-song when service resumed, "this is where the healing begins, this is where the healing begins."

I wasn't wounded, but I was disheartened. I was tired and 'going through the motions.' Now, I'm further along a path. I'm in a new place; I'm excited and looking forward. Thanks God--for this new place and for the songs.

Day One

Today's my first day at my new church. I drove down this morning for a women's group--5 ladies and me. It was a much smaller day than my first day at First Church, but a good one. And someone/they had cleaned out my office. Yes, there is still a bookshelf full of things--many of which I'm not sure I want/need or even that they want/need. But it's tidy and clearly an effort was put into it and that means a lot! Small children even made 'welcome pastor' signs. It feels really nice. I will be installed tomorrow during worship and potluck welcome will follow. Then will begin the sharp learning curve!!

On the way home, I drove past First Church and my name was still on the sign. As long as we live here, I'm debating just watching to see when it comes down. (As opposed to emailing and saying--hey, my name's on the sign).

The rest of today is lots of work at home, hopefully going to get a haircut and getting ready for tomorrow and a new week. And a new schedule--Baby Girl will go to daycare 4 days a week--at least for now. I'm going to take Fridays off--because I finally can. Lots of driving will happen in the forseeable future. I need to get some books I think.

It's new and exciting--like many May 1sts have been for me. It's scary too, but in a good way. I just need to stay focused and grounded and not allow more worries than necessary to creep in. It'll be okay; it'll be good. As my CPE supervisor made me say to myself so often that I made a sign of it for my desk, "I am more competent than I think and more capable than I realize." Darn him for being right!

That and deep breaths and prayers and excited hugs and cuddles from Baby Girl when I get home will see me through.

To Do Lists

My 'to do' list at my current congregation is getting shorter and shorter. It is feeling good to mark things off the list. The list doesn't include lots of things like packing up my office and turning over files, etc. but rather the tasks, the events, the sermons.

I'm trying not to start my 'to do' list for my new congregation too soon. But things are already creeping onto it.

And, don't get me started on the home to do list--yikes! Lots to do to get our house ready to sell; once we list it we can start doing serious house-hunting in the new town. It's not looking really great in our price range, but we'll manage.

Number one, however, on my list is the item I'm struggling with--Easter morning sermon. Have seriously been lacking sermon mojo here for some time; I was hopeful knowing change is coming would help. Not so far. I'll get there somehow; I always do. Just wish it felt more like a gift of the Spirit to have the opportunity to preach here and now and less like an item on my to do list.

St. Patrick's Day

Okay--really not at all about St. Patrick's Day--just couldn't think of a better title. Tomorrow is the day that the letter goes in the mail and the church council finds out. Friday I'll be making some calls to some people that I think might want to hear directly from me. I'm nervous about this part even as I'm excited about the future. Prayers appreciated.

Inquiring Minds Want to Know

Okay--so 2 out of 3 readers want to know what's going on with me and a possible new call. And this is a lovely procrastination tool for the sermon that doesn't seem to want to get written for this weekend.

A congregation about 45 minutes from here will be voting whether or not to extend me a call on Sunday, March 7th. Their proposal for compensation was well below synod guidelines and even more below what I'm receiving in my current setting. (Because of insurance coverage costs.) My hubby and I met with them and proposed a middle ground--I took him with, it was ridiculous not to--we make financial decisions together and it would have delayed the process to have to talk to him before agreeing. So, I still would be making less than here/less than guidelines, but Baby Girl would have insurance coverage along with me and we think the 'quality of life' benefits would outweigh the cost. And Hubby could keep his job though we'd move closer to the new place. (He currently drives about 15-20 minutes in the direction of the new place from where we are now.) So, this tiny, struggling financially congregation will be voting on calling me AND a salary package bigger than they had budgeted for. So...we'll see.

And I'm okay because lots of things make it seem like it will happen, though it's by no means a done deal. And, if it doesn't happen, Hubby is committed to doing everything in his power to get a new job for himself to get me out of here!

So...there you have it. Now to the sermon for this weekend! Brilliant ideas on that are welcome! Somehow I've never preached on this particular Sunday of the church year, so I really have nothing.