Monday, August 30, 2010

Rock, Rock, Zzzzz

Lately, as in the last couple weeks, Baby Girl has had a renewed interest in being rocked to sleep. This doesn't exactly coincide with being in our new home--the first two weeks here, she didn't want to be rocked. I have mixed feelings about it--but mostly enjoyment! I love to snuggle her, to feel her body against mine, to hold her until she gently drifts to sleep playing with her hair or mine. It's so relaxing--and I'm trying to only focus on her as I rock, to not think about the to-do list or what I should be doing that is 'more productive.' Oh sure, I sometimes think about sermon ideas or things I need to do, but it's still relaxing for me.

Which is precisely the problem. I rock her to sleep and then have no desire to do anything else. And 8:30 is just to early to go to bed--because it won't matter if I have 10 hours of sleep. I still don't like to see 6:30 a.m. And those boxes will not unpack themselves. But I'll get over it. I know these days of rocking are numbered. I'll take each and every one I can, her Baby Girl self snuggled into me as she goes to sleep and a depth of love that I can't put into words.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Balance and Guilt

So as I'm settling into my new call, my new home, my new life...I'm trying to find a new balance. A new balance in which guilt about not being good enough at anything seems to lurk just below the surface. And so, this afternoon, for this hour I'm sitting on my couch--home alone. I need to clean and organize and file at home; I need to write a sermon--ideally by 4 p.m. today so that it doesn't bleed into family time. But I need this too--just sitting in my home watching design tv. So I am--even though I could be wasting time in my office pretending to work. I'm trying not to feel guilty. I will go back to work soon and will really work. And my sermon will be done by Sunday morning--well Saturday evening this week as I'm preaching at a service then. I will spend the time I need to with my family. And stuff at home will get done when it gets done. I'll keep learning this balance. One design show at a time. Ha!

Monday, August 09, 2010

Me, Me, Me

Every so often, I go through this phase where I read lovely blog posts and want to comment, but change my mind because I seem to just be about me. I want to say something because I want others to know I'm reading and that I care, but I can't figure out what to say. Except something about me that is sparked by what I read. And so I say nothing.
And at the same time, I feel bad that I don't get many comments on this blog. And I have to re-evaluate yet again why I want a blog. I wanted a place to write, yes. But I think it's because I so deeply crave connection that I just can't seem to find. I'm trying here in my new place--to be less worried about what I say or who I am. But it's hard to make friends--who wants to be friends with their pastor? And I don't know that I want to initiate friendships--as in, invite certain people over for dinner and not others. Sigh.
But that doesn't seem to matter when I think of one connection this morning. Baby Girl wiped out on our new tile floor--barefoot, I'm not quite sure how she managed to slip where she did, but she cried harder than usual. No blood, no immediately obvious place of pain. And she let me pick her up and snuggle with her. Normally a owie involves a bit of a cry, a 'do you need a kiss?', 'yes,' a kiss, and then she's done and ready to go. Today she snuggled and even though she stopped crying, she just wanted to snuggle and nothing else. It was probably ten minutes--that's a long time for her these days. (Unless we are snuggling watching tv) It was so nice--an especially good thing for mommy as I prepared to take her to her new daycare for the first day today. That is, I guess, another post for another day.