Missing

My words seem to be missing. I want so very much to write on my blog...to write something meaningful and heartfelt. But the only things I seem to feel lately are complaints or whines or one sentence things (that I won't post on that place where everyone seems to be because I just want to vent them to one or two people, not the world--or even just those friends).

I want my words back. I'm consuming them. I've been reading more ~ some books and magazines. But I can't seem to write.

So for the two or so of you who read, will you help me? Comment with a word or a phrase and I'll turn them into posts. Eventually, at least.

I shared with a group recently that I want to write a book. Do I have any more clarity than that? No. I just know that when I think of all the things I ever said when I was a kid that I wanted to be when I grew up, I've done (in some way)--except be an author.

My list was mommy, teacher, librarian, and author. I'm most certainly a mommy. I'm still a teacher in many ways (and was an education major, student teacher and substitute teacher for a brief time). I've worked in 3 libraries. But I'm not an author.

And I need to write. It's good for me. When I'm not writing, I don't know--I just know I miss it.

And for me, this writing is not the same as sermon writing.

I don't know if I'll ever be an author, but I've got to find a way to write more again.

Done

Yesterday, at age 16 months (and 1 day), Precious had her very last breastmilk. I stopped pumping at the end of July. My goal was to get her through surgery recovery with mostly fresh breastmilk. After that, we used my frozen stash. I'm happy she got my milk that long and that she seems to like (and tolerate well) cow's milk.

We are done with babies, barring a miracle (aka a failed vasectomy). And that's okay--good even. I held a tiny baby, 5 or 6 weeks old, at a wedding reception recently and I realized that I didn't even feel the slightest twinge of desire to have another baby. I didn't want to be pregnant; I didn't want to give birth; I didn't want to care for another newborn or raise another child.

But...

First, full disclosure, I judge. When I see a baby with a bottle and his/her mother right there, I think, "Oh, it's too bad they aren't breastfeeding. Formula's not the best choice." And then--since Precious--my second thought, "Oh, it could be breastmilk." Ultimately, I know formula's not evil and everyone has to do what is right for them; I don't know the whole story in most cases. I loved, loved, loved breastfeeding and want others to have that same love that I did. And I know not everyone does, so whatever. Do what you need to do.

That said, as I held this baby and fed him his bottle (formula--I watched the parents mix it), he kept turning his little head and nuzzling me, my breast in particular. And I thought, "oh, just to have a baby nurse again...just to snuggle one more baby to my breast and nourish them with this gift...to do something I'm good at and don't have to work to be good at...to be something I am--a nursing mother." And I suppose, with enough hours tied to a pump, I could produce milk again. (I had to check that night--when I squeeze, droplets of milk still come.) But Precious still isn't allowed to try to make suction until at least December. By then, she won't remember how to nurse. She hasn't had anything to suck since June the way it is. And so I'm done.

And it's going to have to be okay.

I'm glad it's September!

August was...I'm not sure what August was, but here are the memorable moments. (including the last days of July and the first of September)

• Conference which was great 
• except for the long drive with toddler and preschooler, housing that really wasn't conducive to our family including no air conditioning on some of the hottest days of the year, losing the much-loved bear of the toddler
• Leaving conference for another long drive to visit family which was good 
• except for not being able to open the tailgate of the van--having to unload stuff by taking out one carseat, folding the seat and throwing stuff over
• denting the van in trying to shut tailgate (because it opened just enough that the sensor said it was open so I didn't want to drive that way but since I couldn't open it the whole way, I tried everything--the only thing that worked was kicking--hence the dent!)
• Realized I was not getting email on my phone--in trying to fix it my phone ate all my contacts
• My flash drive died completely--with lots of stuff on it--hopefully all other places, though I know some wasn't
• My office computer decided to move slower than usual so I'm using my own laptop at work
• It won't connect to the printer
• Tried to install software to fix that and also to update some others, did not know password for days (tried every possible combination of what my husband might have set it for--it never occurred to me to just press enter when it requested a password)
• The calendar I was trying to make in word wouldn't make bigger squares, though there was plenty of space on the page so it didn't work out how I wanted, but there was no time to change so I went with plan b
• Hubby did indeed forget my birthday--after a day in which they celebrated birthdays at his school, we went out for supper and the table over had a birthday cake with candles and balloons--after the girls were asleep and I was folding laundry about 9:20 p.m., I asked, "What is today?"  After a long pause, he hid his face, "I'm not even a day early..."  Nope.  Oh well--he felt bad and we've been laughing about it.
• Saturday we went on a mini-vacation to my brother-in-law's to spend a few days with him and his family, apparently he told his parents so they came too--I really wanted to have this time without them though I love them
• Shortly after arriving, Baby Girl wet her pants (she was just too excited to see grandma and didn't get to the bathroom in time)
• This was when we realized that in the haste of packing, the bag with the kids' clothes was left at home (I'm mostly blaming hubby--he started packing without asking me if I had everything together or even telling me was going to start packing--AND he started way early for the time we said we were going to leave.  In his defense, the bag was not by the other stuff.)
• And the one spare set of clothes we usually have in the car had been used last week when Baby Girl played in the puddles after a big rain

Of course, none of these things are the end of the world.  They are even mostly laughable now, but it's been a long month...

Edit--add not being able to figure out how to make the bullets/spacing do what I want. UGH!

35....Sigh

Age is just a number. Today I don't feel older than I did yesterday. Today is just today.

But...

It is also my birthday. As today has gotten closer, I've even had to think about how old I would be. It's not a 'milestone' birthday. And even those haven't hit me hard. The biggest birthday in my adult life was 31 ~ it was my golden after all, but really it was because it was the first birthday after a significant life change. It was my baby's 3 month old birthday. Since then, my birthdays seem to matter even less.

I'm not a big birthday girl--I don't plan or crave parties or extravagant gifts. I just want people to remember and just say "Happy Birthday." So far, I've got lots of messages on-line. That's great--but many of those people wouldn't even know it was my birthday if that site didn't tell them.

For crying out loud, my mom didn't even say anything this morning when I dropped Precious off with her. She gave me her gift early, so it's not like she completely forgot, but still...

And, hubby--that's the big one. For years, he's been convinced my birthday is the 30th and so he says he's just always early, he doesn't forget. Well--nothing yesterday. Nothing today yet. Maybe it's too early, but I doubt it. I bet he completely forgot.

So that's what makes me sigh today.

It's not the end of the world; it'll be fine. But for now, I want to complain just a bit!

Hope

Being a mother changes my perspective on a lot of things. I used to hope for much bigger things. I guess I still do. I do, however, use the word "hope" a lot more frequently without grandiose desires.

Take, for example, last night. It was a three committee meeting night at our congregation. Which means I was in meetings starting at 5, 5:45, and 6:30 (and made it to all three close to on time!) It's a crazy night--tonight is a close second with meetings at 5:30 and 6:30. Those are crazy times, but instead of five weeknights away from home, it's two--so a trade off I'm willing to take. But last night, the last meeting went a long time--thankfully with great conversation that was valuable. When I locked the door at 8:10; I sighed. And thought, "Okay, Precious will be asleep in bed. I HOPE Baby Girl will be ready for stories and sleep."

Yeah--maybe my hopes are too grandiose! Both were wide awake, wired, wound and playing. Ugh. Thankfully, they did settle down easier than I thought. Precious a bit more loudly, but both were asleep by just after 9.

Now for more grandiose hopes! I hope Precious is on her way to potty training! In the last week, she has expressed adamant desire to use the potty. Sunday morning and this morning, she pooped on the potty. (She's pretty consistent in time with the first poop of the day, so I wasn't super surprised. I was surprised by how she refused to let me take her off the potty before she pooped on Sunday. She sat a long time--for the always on the go girl!!) And, she peed in the potty twice two--once by expressing desire to sit and once when I just set her on. She's been tending to wake up dry from a nap but then wetting just a few minutes later, so one day when she woke up dry, I put her on the potty and, sure enough, pee came quickly.

I hope she will be using the potty consistently soon-ish. She's only 15 months, so I'm not expecting a whole lot. But I'm hopeful Precious will make it easier on us than Baby Girl did!

What month is it?

I was meeting with a couple in my office last night and realized that my wall calendar still says June. At this point, I decided to switch it to August!

So life is right now...too busy, as always.

But here are highlights...

Precious is doing awesome! Only restriction now is to not let her suck on anything (so no straws, no sippy cups with valves, no bottles/pacifiers/thumb, etc.) for a few months. We don't see the surgeon again until December. She's never been into her thumb or pacifiers (well--we didn't let her be); we finished with bottles a few months ago, and she's never used a straw or sippy cup with valve so no biggie. We won't know about need for more surgery or not until after December. Now I just need to not be so worried and let her try to eat more real food. But she only has 2 teeth--so I worry about moving too quickly from purees. She understands a TON, doesn't have too many real words but is making more sounds and signs and is definitely able to make her needs/wants known! She often wants to sit on the potty (which we are allowing but not trying to train in anyway--she's only 15 months next week) and often shows she needs a new diaper by lifting her shirt and heading to the bathroom. She loves the outside and will bring us her shoes multiple times a day--even when it's 110 degrees outside!

She is an amazing traveler who went with my husband and I and our 33,000 closest friends to the ELCA Youth Gathering in New Orleans. 17 hours on a bus each direction and she had very few tears or tantrums either on the bus or at the gathering itself. Baby Girl had time with my in-laws and loved it but was very glad to have all of us back home!

In the office this week--supposedly writing a sermon for August 5th--as I prepare to head to Chicago for continuing ed. I figured Baby Girl would fall apart if I left again so soon, so she and Precious and my mom will be going with me. When the conference ends, we are heading north to see family for a short visit and will get home in the evening on Saturday the 4th.

Where did the summer go?

*My* Incredible Hulk

Precious is a tough cookie--she has been from birth. She rolled over just shy of 6 weeks old. She lost very little (relatively) weight after birth before the diagnosis of her cleft palate. And just last week, when I was at an evening meeting, I got a text from Hubby. There was a picture of Precious looking rather serious and these words, "Surgery--no problem! Just took on a mouse trap. No tears here." Apparently, she snapped the trap on her fingers and then just looked up at Hubby like, "Um...what was that and what are you going to do about it?" Seriously--no tears, no crying, nothing. Granted it was an old wimpy trap, but still!

Surgery day was Tuesday, June 12. We woke her up at 5 a.m. to give her her morning milk (earlier than usual wake-up--but within bounds of time for surgery). Got ready to leave shortly thereafter. On car ride there, gave her 2 oz of apple juice (again, last she could have pre-surgery). I wanted to be sure she got every ounce possible prior to surgery!

We were a bit early and she was making friends with registration desk ladies, and everyone who came in. Smiling and walking around, in just general good spirits--maybe even smilier than usual when it comes to strangers.

Then they took us back for pre-surgery. We had to wipe her down with an antiseptic cloth--at least it was warm--and dress her in a gown. She wasn't sure about the nurse trying to take her vitals, but he did a really fine job. Then the anesthesiologist came in and asked about how we thought she'd go with a stranger. We said that we didn't think very well. She suggested 'silly juice' to help her relax, but that if need be, one of us could go with until they mask sedated her. We agreed with giving her 'silly juice.' It didn't take her long and she was really relaxed! She went in the doctor's arms--just looked at me like, 'huh?' but not in tears. And I did fine...it's actually almost harder to write about today than it was then.

9 a.m. surgery. We just got settled in the waiting room and a friend of mine came and sat with us. It was so good to visit with her and be distracted. Hubby's parents came shortly after she left. 10:30 a.m. we got first report that she was doing fine. I played and chatted on-line with my sister. Friend left for a time and came back--we took a quick walk. I was really calm. I had asked lots of people to pray for us, and I know they were. We got word at 12:30 or so that the surgeon was ready to see us.

Her report was good. They had a surgery plan A and plan B and had to go with plan B which only slightly increases the chance for a second surgery (from 20% to 35%). She said Precious did great--stable BP, heart rate, etc. for the whole surgery. They would let us back to recovery as soon as they could. The surgeon commented on my 'calm countenance.' I said that we had lots of people praying for us. And hubby commented that now the hard part for us started--getting her to eat, keeping her out of pain, etc. The surgeon had done her hard part.

It was about 1 p.m. when we got to go back. Precious was crying and wailing and swinging her clubs around. (With her arms in splints, they are club-like!) I felt myself reaching to her when I was barely close. It was a bit hard to get a good hold of her as she was hooked up to an iv and also a pulse-ox machine as well as a blood pressure cuff. But I talked to her and barely opening her eyes, she snuggled into me and all was well. They took the crib away and gave me a wheelchair to sit in while we waited for her room to be ready. She was doing great!

We got to her room around 2 and settled in. We spent the night taking turns holding her and going to get lunch and supper. We got a few ounces of milk in her pretty quickly. By 8 p.m. she had had about 3 ounces. Which, considering she spent 3 1/2 hours with her mouth held open and only God and the surgeon knows how many stitches put in (we forgot to ask!) we figure she was in quite a bit of pain. We did keep waking her up round the clock for pain meds. By early the next morning, they were able to remove the iv. Based on input and output (yes--they weighed diapers!), she was holding her own. At that point, all they could do for her was pain meds--and that we could do at home. So, after just one night in the hospital, we came home.

Now--it's just about 10 days later and she's doing great. She really has been doing great since the beginning. Hubby was right, "Surgery, no problem!" The first week, we kept up the heavy duty pain meds around the clock. We are gradually switching now to ibuprofen and waking her up less for meds. She currently sleeps in our bed with us as it's hard to roll over with the clubs. It took a while, but she's eating (or rather drinking) a pretty decent amount. She takes the medicine (pain meds and antibiotics) like a champ--often better than food. She doesn't seem to mind the splints much--and fights us more when we are trying to take them off than put them on. We take them off a few times a day but must hover, hover, hover to prevent anything from going in her mouth. She smiles and giggles maybe even more than before. She is babbling and babbling and we hear new sounds all the time. At first, it was odd--my baby sounded so different. But it's all good. We see the surgeon again in a few weeks.

She's just incredible! We are very blessed. And as for being an Incredible Hulk, the little baby hospital gown was like an adult's--snaps down the back but mostly handing open and snaps at each shoulder. The morning before she was sprung from the hospital, she was playing in the crib (with the side open and me standing there) but she tried to pull up on the rails, but got her knees caught on the gown and one arm snapped open. I giggled a bit and she tried again and the other arm popped. What can I say, she's *my* incredible hulk!

Tomorrow

So much to do before tomorrow...but I have to write first.

Tomorrow is the day that my baby, Precious, has her surgery to repair her cleft palate. Surgery is scheduled to take around 3 1/2 hours sometime in the morning. (We'll get the exact time later today.) It's hard to believe that this time has come even though we've known for around a year that it would be. I am feeling better about the actual surgery, though I'm pretty sure I'll be a wreck during it. Baby Girl will be with my mom starting tonight until we get home. One night hospitalized for sure, possibly two, depending on how she's handling pain and eating--or rather drinking. The next three weeks may be tough--only open cup drinking and all food must also fit that criteria. Splints on her arms so she can't bend her elbows and get anything in her mouth. We'll do everything we can--currently, she'll have a 20% chance of needing a second surgery. If we do everything right, hopefully she'll be in the 80%.

Details are left--cleaning up the disaster called my house, packing Baby Girl's bag for Grandma's, packing our stuff for the hospital. Not sure what we need to take--diapers for example? Ah, well, guess we'll take it all. Daddy can go the store if need be I suppose; I don't plan to leave.

Please pray for us...prayers for Precious as she handles surgery and recovery, prayers for her doctor who will work so meticulously to do all she can to ensure not needing another surgery, prayers for Baby Girl as she has to deal with even more divided attention, prayers for us (me especially) as I turn my baby over to another for this.

"Hi God!"

Tonight, Baby Girl had her first dance recital. On the way home, she suddenly exclaimed, "It's my favorite colors--orange and purple and pinkish-blueish." I commented on the beginnings of sunset above the clouds. (It was, in fact, quite pretty.) Then the conversation went like this:

Baby Girl: It is pretty. I can even see the people in the world.

Me: Really? Wow!

Baby Girl: (with a serious expression as she looks at me) I can even see God!

Me: I'm so glad.

(pause)

Baby Girl: (excitedly) Hi God!

Me: Did you know God can see you?

Baby Girl: Hi God! (looking at me pouting-ly) I can't hear God.

Me: I know sweetie, but God can see you. God is always with us.

That's as far as it went as we turned into the driveway of the place we stopped for ice cream to celebrate the recital night!

Any *May* a Beautiful Change

Katherine is hosting a blog carnival today. So, on this May 1st, I'm doing a new thing--joining a blog carnival! It's all about beautiful changes, which since it is May 1st, I had to do.... May 1st is a significant day for me. In fact, I wrote about it in 2008. But today I'll add even more. May 1st, 2010 was the day after exactly 7 years in my first call, I began my second call. Today marks two years in this place, this place where I feel that I am supposed to be at this part of life's journey. May 1st, 2011 I was wondering when my second baby would decide to make her appearance. That happened on May 4th. So, for me--May brings lots of beautiful changes. I always think of my sense of call--both in terms of church vocation, but also in the rest of life--my call to be a wife and a mommy. I did stop on my way home today and bought Hershey's kisses again. But more importantly I think of my two amazing girls, both May babies and think of the beautiful changes that happen each and every day in them. I look at Precious, now just days away from age 1, and Baby Girl, now just weeks away from age 4, and my heart swells with love for them. And though part of me hates to think of all the changes yet to come because I'll miss my babies, I know that there will be lots more beautiful changes.

3 years, 10 months, 23 days

Without a trip to the emergency room (as a patient that is)... I guess that's not a bad run for our Baby Girl. Hopefully it's at least that long before we have to take Precious or Baby Girl needs to go again! We were worried about a concussion, but she's okay. She did awesome during the CT scan; the radiologist was impressed. And by the time we left the ER, she was acting like herself again!

Mama's Girl

I am upstairs in my house, futilely trying to write a sermon for tomorrow. Meanwhile, downstairs my baby (Precious) is screaming her head off. She's in Daddy's capable hands, but she wants Mommy. Which means I'm in this position I hate--balancing mommyhood and ministry. It's not like I was overly busy in the office this week--this sermon just won't come! And so now my whole family suffers. Precious is unhappy. Daddy is unhappy because he can't do the stuff he wants to do on his day off (never mind all the stuff that I do around the house too). Baby Girl is watching too much tv because that is Daddy's method of keeping both girls occupied. Precious doesn't watch tv even when it's on--just not interested. But then he doesn't have to occupy two. And I have a hard time writing because my baby is crying and it is the most distracting sound in the world. And I'm reminded of how often I'm failing at trying to do it all. I've given up trying to do it all--but I need to get a little more done than I am every day.

Sigh.

Precious is quiet now--guess I should try again to make this sermon come!

285

Today, I met my goal. 285 ounces of my milk donated to the milk bank. Milk that will help NICU babies and others for whom it is prescribed by their doctors. I've been pumping exclusively for Precious for the last 8 months or so ~ she'll be 10 months old on Sunday. Pumping is getting tiring and (TMI warning...) I've been starting to get painful bleeding cracks. It's time to slow down.

So, I've made goals.
1. 285 ounces donated to milk bank. (This was 3 trips with a certain cooler I have full each time--that's the significance of the amount!)

2. Precious gets MOSTLY fresh (as in within the same 24 hours) milk until her first birthday. Right now, I'm pumping twice a day, morning and night. She gets all that milk, plus about 4 ounces of my frozen milk.

3. After her birthday, I may think of cutting back to one pumping session a day. It'll depend on what is still in the freezer. I'm going to hold off on cow's milk until a bit later--14-15 months or so. I don't think she'll have a problem with it, but as her surgery is at 13 months I don't want to risk anything complicating having surgery. And, I won't be adding something new when she's recovering.

So, first goal met. It makes me a bit sad that the number isn't bigger for donating, but I'm doing the best I can is so many areas. And this is something good after all.

Which is Easier?

Yesterday I went to a newly forming mom's group. Baby Girl was the oldest child there though one mom also has an older child too along with the toddler that joined her. That mom and I were the only two there with more than one child. I don't know if she was asked--and honestly we all were kind of talking over one another and there was lots of child noise--but the question was asked if it was easier to go to 2 children from 1 or having the first child. At the moment, I said that too many other changes were happening in our lives to make a true comparison--that I think it'd have been easier to add children than it was to become a first-time mom. (Which is what the person asking the question thought.)

But after today, I don't think so. Today, Baby Girl went with hubby to his parent's and will come home tomorrow. Which means it was just me and Precious. This is the first day it's been just the two of us in a very long time. And it was really good in a lot of ways. I snuggled her and read her books. I wasn't constantly having to redirect her from whatever it was Baby Girl was doing that couldn't really be played with by her. I didn't have to share my attention with a 3 1/2 year old. When she napped (a marathon nap! for her--2+ hours), I could do laundry and get more things done than I can when Baby Girl is around. When she had a meltdown, I could deal with it more calmly because Baby Girl wasn't making it worse.

Yes, I'm not quite as nervous or panicky about some things. But when I baby-proofed for Baby Girl, it was done. Now, I try--but Baby Girl does have toys that are too small and I try really hard to keep them in the other room, but she doesn't quite get that fully yet and so they make their way back at times. Baby Girl also has things that are 'safe' but she doesn't want Precious to get into. (And I don't really want Precious sharing sippy cups--no need to share germs! Baby Girl is forever leaving hers in reach of Precious.) My store of patience wasn't multiplied when I had another child and I'm afraid that it gets used up more quickly than it could or should. I don't know if that's just because Baby Girl is 3 1/2 and testing limits or if I'm just not patient enough.

I don't know that one or the other is easier. It's just different. And--life feels hard right now most days. I think it's more a function of working full-time (only mom in the group doing that, 1 other works part-time) in my particular vocation and Hubby's schedule. And my pumping schedule--I can't go to bed early and I can't sleep in. (Sometimes I do get to go back to sleep in the morning and I have had a nap or two after the girls are down and before pumping, but not usually.)

Time flies and they grow so fast. As I snuggled Precious today, I don't want her to grow faster. But I want things to change--I want to give her more undivided attention. I think I tend to put Baby Girl first because I feel Precious won't remember as much.

No matter what, it's never easier. Being a mommy is a hard job. Hopefully this group will help us all do it better.

Update

We saw the specialist for Precious on Monday. She has fluid in her ears which necessitates tubes (not unusual for a baby with a cleft--or lots of kids). They did a hearing test and there is some minor hearing loss. But this came with a dilemma--do tubes now or wait until the major surgery. Doing tubes is a pretty common procedure, but does require anesthesia. Hubby was all for tubes--both his older kids had multiple sets and it's no big deal for him. It's really only a few minutes. I said, "but it's my baby..." AND, Precious hasn't had an ear infection and doesn't seem bothered by her ears at all. Our specialist said that if she felt strongly that something was right, she would push us hard. In this case, she said, there's not a clear right or wrong. While we were doing the hearing test (and thinking about what to do), she said she asked all her colleagues who were in that day their opinion and it was evenly divided. "You are good parents, no matter what you choose," she told us. And, she also told us that as Precious is growing so well, that if we want to do surgery earlier we can--do both at once then. Hubby asked about whether the ears would get worse if we wait; the answer is no. I asked, "If it was your child, what would you do?" Without a second's hesitation, she said she would wait. So that's what we will do. Her response pushed me over the edge to the waiting side.

Precious is scheduled for her 3 1/2 hour (!) surgery on June 12. If she has ear infections or seems bothered by her ears or we notice significant hearing loss before then, we can reschedule and do things earlier. So...now we know...and I'm starting to worry. They are going to put my baby under for 3 1/2 hours! So I'm trying not to think about it too much. Easier said than done. I never forget that she has a cleft palate, but I had gotten so it wasn't all-consuming. It's back to all-consuming, which I don't have time for. I have so much to do; I can't do it all; and I'm so overwhelmed that I'm not functioning on all cylinders. I lack motivation and I'm tired. I just want to stay home and snuggle with Precious (and Baby Girl)--neither of whom would be content to snuggle all day, but there you have it.

Jarring...a post about prayer

Baby Girl goes to preschool two mornings a week. At the Roman Catholic preschool. I expected religious lessons and prayer. (Side note--at orientation open house, we received the packet with rules for bringing snack, etc. At one point, it says if you do not wish your child to participate in the religious curriculum, an alternative will be offered. Really? Why would you send your child to a religious institution and NOT expect religious instruction at some point? At the very least, shouldn't that have been given prior to registration? But I digress.)

She regularly brings home little learner leaflets similar to many Sunday School curriculum I've seen over the years. The first week, it came home in a folder that listed all the lessons. I commented that I'd be most interested in the one labeled, "We Love Mary." Don't get me wrong; I have nothing against Mary. But I'm Lutheran; we look at Mary a bit differently. And I'm not worried--Baby Girl is 3, I'm guessing it won't be too in depth even if they get to that lesson!

None of which is the point...the point is prayer.

Tuesday morning, as usual, I took Baby Girl to school. Precious has a bad cold and we had a funny schedule Tuesday, so mom came to my house to watch her instead of us going to mom's. So Precious wasn't with me as she normally is. I signed Baby Girl in to class and went across the hall to the Book Fair. I couldn't resist--I love books. Thankfully my purse was in the car.

But I killed enough time that it was time for morning announcements..."Please stand for prayer." I expected Baby Girl to pray before snack, but I didn't expect whole school prayer. I student taught at a Roman Catholic school and we didn't do that. All of a sudden, I was nervous--was I supposed to pray? Should I keep looking at the books? What should I do? It was jarring, sudden. I wasn't prepared to pray in that moment. I missed the crossing myself during 'the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit' and then it was the Lord's Prayer. I can do this, I thought...except for the jarring end! Remember, I'm Lutheran--we say, "for thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory" before we say Amen. I was completely not prepared for the Hail Mary or Glory Be. (Or the Pledge of Allegience which followed prayer...but that's another story)

I can't say why exactly I found it so jarring...

But I find myself thinking that I should go to the Book Fair again on Thursday. It might be a good reminder about how to start each day.

Don't Stress About It

Says hubby at noon. So very unhelpful...

Baby Girl won't admit to wanting to nap, but doesn't want to stay alone watching tv.

Precious doesn't want to be put down, period. And screams if we are in bedroom with Baby Girl.

Hubby is working outside because he wants to get further on shed and has help today.

But, I have to write a sermon. The other stuff that should get done -- laundry, bills, filing, watering plants can wait. But I need to write this sermon and have nothing...nothing...

Yesterday sucked--I wanted to scratch the last post and say I'm not even feeling like a good mommy because Baby Girl was pushing every button.

I'm so frustrated with life at the moment...

Maybe it is post-partum depression. I just don't know what to do about it....because medicine won't give me more hours in a day or a family who does more than they do...

posted one-handed holding precious in room next to Baby Girl who hasn't noticed I'm gone...here's hoping she went to sleep...might be able to sermonize!

Adjustments

I was originally going to write about my recent chiropractor visit and how the adjusting is helping my back. Some--not fully yet. But if I had the time to do the icing he suggested, it might be better. I go back Monday.

If only other adjustments were so easy. I'm having a really hard time with this parenting two small children thing. I feel like I'm being an okay mommy. But that's about it. Walking into my house sucks the life out of me. I have so much that needs to get done, but I just can't get on top of it. And, because of that, I often don't even try. And when I do, something else comes up. Like now...

Heartbreak........Tempered

Precious will be five months old next week. It's been about four months since the diagnosis of her cleft palate. It's been about three months since she really nursed at all.

That breaks my heart.

We gave it a valiant effort. But she knows that is where the milk is supposed to come from and got so frustrated when it didn't. And she had to start having bottles without nursing anyhow when I was at work. I admit, I was clinging to trying to nurse even some of the time, hoping that after her surgery, she'd want to try again--even just once a day. Baby Girl nursed until 15 months, the last month or so just once a day.

My letdown is still quick for the pump, but my body is trained for the times I pump and doesn't let down for her as quickly as it did before even when it's close to a time to pump.

Occasionally, though not often, I'll try again. And I swear, if a baby can look up at you like, "Okay, mom...I'm indulging you here," Precious does. But then she gets frustrated and cries--and then I start sobbing and my heart breaks again and again.

And so I've mostly given up trying. Because why should I put both of us through that?

The best I can do (for me, of course) is to pump for her. She is getting only my milk right now--and has been for almost 3 months. Formula's not evil, but I'm good at making milk. Why shouldn't I do this?

This post has been written in my head for sometime, but I could write it now because I could add..."Tempered."

A few things temper my feelings...
I'm pumping more than Precious needs--I've donated nearly 200 ounces to a milk bank plus have nearly twice that much in the freezer for Precious. Hubby doesn't understand why I want to doante some milk. And I can't really explain it, but it makes me feel better about myself, about this not being able to nurse thing. I'm not only attached to the pump for Precious but for some other baby who maybe needs it even more.

And I know this is not the most heartbreaking thing in the world. Close to me, a woman who was so excited to welcome a new granddaughter within the month is full of grief. Her father did this spring, she was looking for some joy in her life. The baby was stillborn last week. To hear that breaks my heart for that family.

And Precious knows me. I know she did before, but it's obvious now. Yesterday afternoon I was at my mom's with the girls. I was trying to get some work done on the computer while Baby Girl napped. Precious was fussy and Mom was walking with her. I finished quickly as she continued to fuss. I walked over toward them, she leaned toward me, gave me a big smile and stopped fussing as soon as I took her. She knew I was there and wanted MY attention.

But I won't lie; my heart still breaks sometimes.

Visit(s) with the Specialist

Less than a week after the diagnosis, we headed with Precious to the nearby University Hospital to meet the specialist. We went again a month or so later, so the visits are blurry in my head. But they boil down to the same things!

I really, really like the specialist. She's young, with 3 children, the youngest of whom is only a few weeks older than Precious. She was empathetic to me--especially around the area of breastfeeding. She gets it--from both sides, the mommy desire to nurse but also the difficulty it is for babies with clefts.

She made it clear that she didn't want to discourage breastfeeding, but it is really so hard for babies. A normal feeding should never take longer than a 1/2 hour, otherwise Precious burns more calories than necessary for optimal growth. So, she said, if we want to keep breastfeeding by all means do so. BUT, if it takes, say 20 minutes to take a 4 oz. bottle, nurse for 10 minutes and then do the bottle. AND, when there are times it is clearly for comfort, let Precious nurse as much as she wants--if she's not hungry, she'll do what she needs to do and can control how much she is really working. How that's working out will be its own post....

We thought it was only the soft palate, but she indicated that it also is the edge of the hard. Still, probably one of the least severe type of cleft.

Precious will need surgery for sure--at least one. This will be when she is 12-15 months old. That's the optimal time. Big enough to handle surgery well and young enough that most language isn't developed. Depending on how the surgery goes and how speech develops, she may need speech therapy and/or another surgery later down the line. By the time of the surgery, she will need to be weaned from any 'sucking' things--pacifiers, bottles, straws, etc. (She can still, of course, have breastmilk--just not from anything she needs to suck!) After the surgery, they don't want her sucking because it could rip the stitches out. And, for 3 weeks, we'll have to put her arms in splints at the elbow so they can't bend. No chance to get her hands in her mouth if she can't bend her arms! We think she'd be a pacifier baby if we let her, unlike Baby Girl who never liked one, but we aren't even going to introduce one. Precious does some sucking on her fingers, but often makes sucking sounds even without anything in her mouth. Can't do anything about that I guess!

The big goal was to get her up on the growth chart by the second visit with nutrition coming from formula or breastmilk or both. We did it! We did about 1/2 formula and 1/2 breastmilk for much of that time in order to bulk up calories as we knew how much the formula had. The doctor was pleased with her progress and said we might be able to consider surgery earlier, but we'll decide for sure at our next visit which is in January (unless we have concerns before then).

Precious will be more prone to ear infections and fluid build-up in the ears because they can't/won't drain right. But tubes for kids and ear infections aren't that unusual. I'm hopeful she will be like her sister though and not have many!

The specialist had also told our regular doctor that she was impressed with how little weight Precious had lost in that month pre-diagnosis. Precious had worked hard! And now we just treat her like a baby--do all the 'normal' things at the 'normal' times. She did warn us that solid food will be messy! Precious will have to learn how to use her tongue to force the food down the right way--and until she does, food will come out her nose. When she does spit up now (rare though it is), it comes out her nose. I'm glad she told me--I think I would have freaked out to see peas coming out her nose! And when you look at an image of how the body is made, it makes sense. The cleft opens up her sinuses so instead of food going down, it goes up.

All in all, things are good. It's good to know what's coming, to have time to prepare. And to not have concern about Precious' growth cloud every waking moment.