Whine

It has been a rotten few days--two funerals (one for 85 year old man, one for 17 month old girl) plus their visitations, one high school lock in, one "beat cabin fever" party at church, normal weekend stuff, bad cold, and overdrawing our checking account. Today is my day off which I've managed to sleep most of away because I am completely and totally exhausted. But our house looks like crap--partly me I know, but how hard is it for a grown man and two teenagers to put their dishes in the sink and put the garbage in the garbage can? I just feel like curling up in a ball and crying...I was really praying for a snow day so husband could help with some of this house. How on earth am I going to work full time and take care of a baby when I can't even manage now?

Babies

I've been thinking a lot about babies today in particular. Within the first hour or so of being awake today, I was informed about the death of a 17 month old in my congregation and decided which new pair of maternity pants I would wear that would be comfortable for a long day today but also look professional.

I've been thinking a lot about babies for a few months now. My baby (my first) is due June 30, 2008. I'm pretty preoccupied by this, which I think is fair and understandable. I've been blessed to feel good--very little morning sickness. Some fatigue, but I'm mostly past the point where I fall asleep if I sit for more than two minutes. At my last three appointments, I've been able to hear the baby's heartbeat--even at the first one when I wasn't supposed to worry if I couldn't because it was so early. I'm not really showing yet...but I'm big enough that my usual pants don't fit comfortably. I happened upon an awesome sale yesterday and purchased 2 pairs of pants and 2 tops for $35. I should be able to wear all 4 pieces of clothing for the rest of my pregnancy--or at least most of it.

Today, I'm really glad I'm not showing much. On Saturday, when we do the visitation and funeral for this precious 17 month old baby who died, I'm not sure that I could handle it--nor would I want them to have to watch their visibly pregnant pastor preside over the funeral of their baby.

This baby has had a difficult 17 months; she was born with multiple birth defects. She's had a feeding tube and been on oxygen her whole life. They have spoken of deafness, but I'm not sure if they knew for sure. She had multiple body casts already this far to help reshape her pelvis. Some of her inner organs were turned. She fell asleep last night and didn't wake up this morning. There is no doubt in my mind that life is better for her today. And I know too she was loved and that the life she lived on this earth meant something. Her family and our church family did what they could to love her and make her short life sweet and wonderful. I know her family is hurting, hurting in a way that I can't fully understand, but can understand more than I could 3 months ago.

I've been thinking about babies today. Mostly though about God's babies and praying that God will hold us all.

January in the Midwest

This morning it was 49 degrees at 6:30 a.m. We are now under a blizzard warning. Schools are getting out early. And the low tonight is supposed to be -2 degrees. Yuck!

COLD Friday Five

Singing Owl at RevGals writes, "Brrrr! Baby, it’s COLD outside! At least that is the case where I am this morning. We are in a January deep freeze. Have a cup of hot tea and tackle five easy seasonal questions.

1. What is the thermometer reading at your house this morning?
I was afraid to look. Last night during the 10 p.m. news, the air temperature was -15. (-30 with windchill) It's cold--that's enough for me!

2. Snow—love it or hate it?
I love watching a nice gentle snow--from inside. Actually, it's warmer than it is now when it is snowing, so that would be preferred! I hate, hate, hate to drive in snow or any winter weather though.

3. What is winter like where you are?
Winter is cold, often snowy. This year has been odd. We had a few days of 60 degree weather in January, which is unusual.

4. Do you like winter sports? Any good stories?
I'm not a big fan of winter sports. I'm just not good at them. I have tried both skiing and snowboarding. The day my husband tried to teach me to ski was the same day that my brother-in-law taught his wife (who was then his new girlfriend) to ski. We had been married about 6 months or so, but had been together for four years. My husband stood by and watched, occasionally walking next to me. I'd fall and my husband would bark, "Get up." Brother-in-law held sister-in-law's hands walking backwards down the hill as she skied. I think she may have fallen once and he rushed to help her up. New love...can't beat it!

5. What is your favorite season, and why?
Spring. I love that it's getting warm and knowing it's going to be warm for a while. I also love the new-ness of spring awakenings in my part of the country. The leaves appearing, the flowers shooting up, the days getting longer. Love all of that!

Bonus: Share a favorite winter pick-me-up. A recipe, an activity, or whatever.
I love to curl up under a blanket with a good book, napping if it happens, but mostly the feeling of not having to be productive. Or I love to spend hours working on a puzzle because all winter my family would have a puzzle on our dining room table. We'd spend evenings and weekends gathered around the table working on it.

Not too deep--but a post

Your Birthdate: August 31

You're a pretty traditional person. If it's lasted, it's probably good. You seek stability - both in your career and your romantic relationship. In return, you're very loyal and predictable. Which is usually a good thing. Without a partner, you feel lost. Being with someone is very important to you. Your strength: Your dependability Your weakness: You hate being alone Your power color: Midnight blue Your power symbol: Shell Your power month: April

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

For a 'quiz' that consists of only entering a birthdate, this is pretty accurate. But 'power month,' what does that mean?

Thoughts on Blogging

I am not a very regular poster to this blog. At least once a month, so that my OCD self doesn't go crazy for a month not appearing in the archives. Beyond that...not always so much.

I do, however, read a lot of blogs--often not commenting, but reading and feeling connected to the lives of these bloggers even though we haven't met in person.

Two, however, got me thinking in the past few days. PBB posts about words. Her last sentence really hit me. "They evaporate before you know it, before you can catch them, domesticate them, make them yours." That's the closest to explaining what my words are doing right now. I somehow can't get them to do anything but swirl and float around my mind and not get any farther along than that.

Songbird writes about the sound of pencil on paper and her journey of blogging and journaling. While I was always more of a pen person myself (as opposed to pencil), some of her words spoke to me particularly. "Had I reached a point of such complete change that writing down my thoughts and especially my feelings would not be part of my life anymore?"

If you read my first post, it's about needing a home for my words, a place to once again write and share. When I think about when I did most of my personal writing, it was when life seemed the toughest...whether it really was or not. Now life is tough in different ways than it was then. And more often than not, those words did not get shared with anyone--even my closest friends.

And I'm coming to realize that I want to blog not just to get my words out of me but because I want the community. I'm a shy, introvert pastor, who sees lots of people every day but have very few friends with whom to make daily or even weekly contact. When I think about posting to this blog, I realize that I think about what responses I might get. And when I think that no one reads my blog (okay--I'm sure people stop by now and then), I lack the motivation to make the words stop swirling; I lack the motivation to try to put my thoughts and feelings into words and sentences. I crave comments and responses and, if I'm honest--affirmation. I want to know that I'm not alone in this crazy world in which we live. I want to know that people care what's going on in my life--even if it's only those things I choose to share.

But I know I can't expect people to stop by if I never write, so maybe I'll try a Lenten discipline--since Lent will so soon be upon us. I'll post more often; I'm not ready to commit to daily. I'll do the RevGal Friday Five each Friday. Hopefully I'll get some visitors and some will keep coming back.

And even if not, maybe I'll find again what is missing right now in me, the joy of putting my thoughts into words simply for my own sake.

Is it bad...

when the person you are visiting in the hospital tells you that you look tired?

Saturday

I hate winter. The darkness depresses me. The cold depresses me. I want to curl up under my covers and read a good book or a magazine. Anything but work. I'd rather clean my house than work. This sermon does not want to come. And then I feel like a horrible, awful person--like I'm not good at anything. And that depresses me and I get even less done.

I'm working at changing some of my habits to be healthier. I'm eating better--relatively. I'm exercising more--relatively. But I haven't figured out how to change the mental habits yet. I'm working at it--finding a way to create a schedule that doesn't put me in a position to feel like a schmuck because I'm writing a sermon on Saturday morning for Saturday night and feeling like it sucks and I suck.

Preparation Friday 5

Sally at Revgals writes:This has been a difficult week for me, the death of a little six year old has overshadowed our advent preparations, and made many of us here in Downham Market look differently at Christmas. With that in mind I ask whether you are the kind of person that likes everything prepared well in advance, are you a last minute crammer, or a bit of a mixture.....Here then is this weeks Friday 5:



1. You have a busy week, pushing out all time for preparing worship/ Sunday School lessons/ being ready for an important meeting ( or whatever equivalent your profession demands)- how do you cope?

Cope? I'm not sure I do. I guess I just do my best to get through it and hope for the best.



2. You have unexpected visitors, and need to provide them with a meal- what do you do?
Take them out somewhere. I'm not much of a cook--even for planned guests. Unexpected visitors definitely warrant going out.


Three discussion topics:
3. Thinking along the lines of this weeks advent theme; repentance is an important but often neglected aspect of advent preparations.....
True--but I don't have the energy to reflect more on that now.

4. Some of the best experiences in life occur when you simply go with the flow.....
Also, probably true--even if it's not my strong suit to go with the flow. I need plans. Once a have a plan A, I'm open to change it, but I need to start with a plan.

5. Details are everything, attention to the small things enables a plan to roll forward smoothly...
I'm a detail person. Always have been. It's the "J" in me. But I'm realistic enough that details aren't all that makes things run smoothly. The big picture is important too.

Bonus if you dare- how well prepared are you for Christmas this year?
This depends on what you mean by prepared. I'm preparing in ways that are meaningful to me--buying the gifts I need to buy, doing the things at church that I need to, and not stressing about the rest. I'm not sending cards--at least not now. I'm not putting up decorations--I know, call me the grinch, but they are more work to me than preparation. Feeling calm and anticipating the joy of Christmas Eve and the week of vacation to follow is much more important to me right now.

I Heard It!

She said I might not be able to hear it and not to worry if I didn't because it's early. But I heard it! And everything looks, sounds, feels normal. Yeah!

June 30, 2008 or so

I can hardly wait. I'm overwhelmed--by anxiety and by excitement.

Can we say OCD?

November has been a busy month, not really eventful. Things have happened that I want to post about, but I just don't have the energy. But I'm OCD enough that if the archives don't list November, it will drive me crazy, so I need to post. Isn't that exciting?

It's a Pumpkin/Apple Friday Five

Singing Owl writes:
All Hallows Eve (Halloween) is near. As a child, Halloween was one of my favorite holidays. We didn’t yet worry about razor blades in apples or popcorn balls or some of the other concerns people have with Halloween these days. Halloween was a chance to be mildly scared, and better yet, to dress up and pretend to be something we really weren’t. Let’s talk about that a bit, but then let’s add in some food ideas for this year. Where I live the leaves are falling, the temperature is chilly and pumpkins are for sale everywhere, along with many kids of apples. What's more, the "Holiday Season" will soon be upon us. ACK! I could use a new idea for dessert. So, here we go…

1. How did you celebrate this time of year when you were a child?
Dressing up and trick-or-treating. When my older sister decided she was too old to go with me, the number of houses I went to shrunk dramatically. I only went to a select number of homes in the neighborhood where I knew the people. I did enjoy the whole costume production though. It seems we usually created something--or at least some part of the costume. The least fun I remember was standing on the kitchen table wearing white tights while my mom pinned green ribbon all around my legs in order to create Strawberry Shortcake tights.

2. Do you and/or your family “celebrate” Halloween? Why or why not? And if you do, has it changed from what you used to do?
We did the trick-or-treating thing; occasionally had a jack-o-lantern. Now, I do a "Trick or Trunk" event at my congregation. (People sign up to be in the parking lot, decorate their cars and handout candy from their trunks. The building is open for bathroom use or to warm up.)

(Bonus) 2. Candy apples: Do you prefer red cinnamon or caramel covered? Or something else?
Of the two, I prefer caramel covered. I don't like cinnamon in candy. I'd actually prefer apple chunks to dip in caramel--more caramel to apple ratio.

3. Pumpkins: Do you make Jack O’ Lanterns? Any ideas of what else to do with them?
I don't make jack-o-lanterns. I appreciate other's, but it's not worth it to me.

4. Do you decorate your home for fall or Halloween? If so, what do you do? Bonus points for pictures.
Not really. I guess I have a few fall decorations that I pull out if people will be coming to my house for Thanksgiving.

5. Do you like pretending to be something different? Does a costume bring our an alternate personality?
I like doing something different every year. My costumes generally don't bring out an alternate personality, but I suppose they could.

Bonus: Share your favorite recipe for an autumn food, particularly apple or pumpkin ones.
I'm not a great cook, but a great stuffing for cornish hens (though I suppose it would work in bigger birds too) is apples, craisins, and celery. Stuffing the cornish hens with them helps with moisture, makes the bird taste good, and is yummy to eat too.

7-10 Split

Why this analogy seems meaningful? Not so sure. But here goes....You know when bowling how you sometimes get the 7-10 split--the back corner pin on either side? Then, if you are not a professional bowler, you have two main choices. Aim for the right or aim for the left. And then, more often than not, the ball still ends up sailing right down the middle and hitting neither. So, you really have a third choice--just give up trying and let it go straight down the center. I feel like I'm standing with a 20 pound bowling ball in my hand, trying to decide where to aim. Really--does it matter? Standing here holding this heavy ball isn't getting me anywhere.

Preoccupation

I've begun this post about fourteen times. I want to post. I want this blog to be a place to write about what's going on for me and in me. I want to know that if people stop by to read, they'll find something.

But at the moment, everything seems to take so much effort. I'm emotionally exhausted--mostly from trying to hide the fact that I'm emotionally exhausted and preoccupied.

A few posts ago (http://homeforwords.blogspot.com/2007/07/two-letters.html), I wondered about which letter to send. I decided. And I think it's right. I decided, after tons of conversation with my husband, to proceed with the potential call process. But the problem is the waiting. The congregation is not going to vote for another two weeks--and I can't tell very many people. That preoccupies my thoughts. That and the fact that I really need to leave this place. It's no longer good for me. It was, it has been, but it's not now. And I really hate to say it because I do love the people here, but I can't keep this up.

There's so much more to say, so much going on, but I just can't now.

Cricket Torture

When I was in high school and during summers home from college, I worked at my hometown public library. This library owned a copy of the lovely Eric Carle book entitled The Very Quiet Cricket. The cricket in that book was anything but quiet. It was supposed to chirp only when the book was held open. However, it chirped constantly. Unless, of course, you found the book, opened it, and slammed it shut really, really hard. It seemed that this job often fell to me. And, it was in fact, rather fun to search out the sound and find the book. (Children's picture books were in bins--supposedly by the first letter of the author's last name. They were often not in the "right" place because kids had rummaged through them.)

I wish this cricket was as easy to silence. I have a cricket chirping in my office. I can find its general vicinity. If I could find it, I'd take it outside. I'd even leave it here...if it would just be quiet! It started late this morning--I decided to leave early for lunch. It has resumed now--guess it's time to leave for today!

If it starts again tomorrow...well, I'm not sure what I'll do. Hopefully it will have found a new home by then.

Two Letters

Which one should I send? (Okay, somewhat obviously, these are rough drafts and details will be filled in as the decision is made. But I really feel that I need to have a pretty good idea before Monday as we are going to some serious planning for this school year and if I might be leaving, it makes a big difference.) Enough commentary...

Letter #1
Dear beloved people of Current Congregation,

It is with thankfulness that I write this letter to you. I want to thank you for the past four years. It was with your support and love that I was transformed from a scared seminarian to a confident pastor. I have learned so much in this time with you. We've shared joyful times and difficult ones. We've worshiped God together. We've learned and we've laughed.
I believe with my whole heart that being called to this place was God's intention for me. I was called by you as a congregation to lead you for this time, but the time as come for me to lead another part of the body of Christ.
I have accepted a call to another congregation. My last day here with you will be....


Letter #2
Dear Call Committee of Potential Place,

I want to thank you for the time you have spent with me and for your confidence in me. I am honored and pleased that you believe I have the gifts to be your next pastor. I was pleased to meet all of you and believe that your congregation is a lovely place. However, after significant time spent in prayer and in conversation with many people who I trust, I feel that I must withdraw my name from your process.
I pray that God will lead the right person to you. You will be in my prayers.

Wow--both of these sounded different in my head and now I can't write either of them. I can't write a good-bye letter to my current congregation even though I want so badly to be gone. I can't write a letter withdrawing my name from a place that wants me, but that's in a place my husband does not want to go and would require us to live in two households for at least many months. All I want to know is what the right thing to do is...and I don't know.

Anniversaries and Elusive Happiness

This time of year is like an emotional minefield for me, never knowing quite how the days will pass, never knowing what might unleash a torrent of unavoidable tears, not knowing if the days might pass in a simple silent remembrance or an almost forgotten whisper.

These days are anniversaries. Friday was the anniversary of my dad's death. This year marks 20 years. He was 55. I was 9. He was too young; so was I. Saturday was the anniversary of the visitation. And today, today is the anniversary of my dad's funeral. And also, what would have been my parents' 40th wedding anniversary. (Yes, his funeral was on their 20th wedding anniversary. He knew it would be--he had said that he'd either die or we'd have the funeral that day when he was sent home two weeks earlier with oxygen, pain medication, and the reality that this was the end of the treatment and the end of this life. I almost wrote sent home without hope, but that's not true. We had lots of hope--hope for a miracle, and also hope for fulfillment of God's promises.)

Some years these anniversaries aren't so bad--sometimes they aren't so good. This year, not so good. I did a wedding on Friday and another was here on Saturday. A lovely couple celebrated their anniversary today and provided flowers. And all these pointed to my dad, pointed to my family. And I wanted to cry.

And Saturday I received a letter I didn't want to get. And I didn't realize how much I wanted things to turn out differently. I interviewed at a congregation not too far away from here. It would require a move--but a move that would be closer to my (step)kids and a move that would allow my husband to keep his current job and commute. I wasn't really sure this was the place for me, but I wanted it to be. I didn't want to hear that a congregation didn't want me--or at least didn't want to talk to me one more time or hear me preach or... I didn't realize how much this would hurt.

And in response, I ended up fighting with my husband, crying and asking only to be left alone. I ended up feeling alone and lonely and sad and hurtful and like happiness was not mine to have. And I know that's not fair. We worked it out and went to bed okay with each other. But still I woke up in the night and lay there for an hour--very unlike me--unsure of where to go from here.

Today, this evening, I feel like happiness is less elusive, but I'm still sad. I'm still tired. I still don't know where to go next. But I'll take today. I'll face tomorrow and go from there. Not much else that I can do.

An Unnamed Woman ~ Luke 7:36-50

My first instinct was to post this asking for thoughts, comments, and responses about whether this will work as my sermon this weekend, but realized that it's what I'm using anyhow, since I won't have time to come up with anything else. So...I still crave thoughts, comments, and responses, just please don't tell me it won't work as my sermon!

I must admit that today’s gospel lesson is one of my favorites. Sure, we don’t know much about the woman in this passage. She’s unnamed. We don’t know if she’s old or young, married or single, mother or not. The only descriptor used for her is sinner. Many have speculated about her identity, trying to make assumptions about what this means exactly or what woman named elsewhere she might be. But the truth is we don’t know. All we do know is recorded in these few short verses.

But somehow this woman’s story resonates with me. She is a sinner who weeps at Jesus’ feet and walks away forgiven. Sounds an awful lot like my story; sounds an awful lot like our story. When we gather for worship, we live this story. We confess our sin, come to the feet of Jesus at his table, receive his body and blood, and walk away forgiven. So, travel back with me to that Pharisee’s house, to that dinner with Jesus. Indulge me as I tell this woman’s story as my own, as I put words in her mouth and speak as if I know the story of her life. Put yourself in her place too; allow yourself to feel as if you are the one speaking. If it’s helpful to you, feel free to close your eyes. Either way, listen to this unnamed woman’s story—this story that is our story too.



I was aware of how sinful I was. I had made many bad choices. Often, it seemed that I could do nothing right. No matter what my good intentions were, I still sinned. Of course, there were times when I did good things or made good choices. However, some people just could not see that in me. All they were willing or able to see were the bad things that I had done. Why could they not see the good in me? Was there really so little? I knew that some of my choices had been contrary to God’s commands. I knew that. I did not need to be reminded of each and every sinful thing that I had ever done. There was nothing I could do to erase the past. If I could have made changes in the things I had done, I would have. But the past was gone and over. If only others could see that this was so, maybe I could do better in the future. It was so hard to do good when no one expected that of me.

And so I came to Jesus. I knew that coming to Jesus was the only way that I could move forward in my life. Maybe he would have pity on me. Maybe he would have mercy on me. I had heard that Jesus accepted all kinds of people. He even ate with many evil people. Maybe, just maybe, he would not turn me away. He would look at me and see me—not all the terrible things that I have done in my life.

But what if he didn’t? What if he was no different than all the rest? What if I had done too many horrible things? What if he couldn’t look past them? I remembered all my bad choices and all I could do was cry when I came near to him. I fell at his feet and wept, wept for all the terrible things that I had ever done, wept in sorrow for alienating myself from everyone by the choices that I had made, wept in the fear that Jesus would tell me to go away and call me a sinner just as all those gathered around him did. I did the only thing I could do. I used my tears to wash Jesus’ feet. I dried the tears from his feet with my hair. I could hear the people all around us telling Jesus how terrible I was and how he should not be letting himself be touched by such a horrible person. I tried my hardest to ignore them as I continued my task of washing Jesus’ feet. I touched his feet with all the love that I had in me. I knew that showing Jesus my love and repentance was the only thing that I had, the only thing that I could give of myself amidst the truth of the terrible things they said. The only gift I had to give to this magnificent Jesus was myself—my poor, broken, sinful self.

And then, the most amazing thing happened! Jesus accepted the gift of myself! Jesus said to me, “Your sins are forgiven.” I couldn’t help but to hope for forgiveness when I came to Jesus, but I was realistic not to expect it. I surely did not deserve it. The joy that filled my being when Jesus offered me forgiveness is indescribable. Jesus forgave me! Jesus did not listen to the voices that were more than willing to condemn me. Jesus’ voice was the one that echoed in my head. “Your sins are forgiven.” I could leave that place with my head held high. I was forgiven. Yes, I was sinful and would always make mistakes, but more important than that was that I was forgiven.

And so now, when I make a mistake, when I sin, I remember the words Jesus spoke to me. “Your sins are forgiven.” I remember Jesus and the hope he gave me. I am able to live my life without the weight of my sinful self constantly bearing down on me. I can live in the joy of forgiveness. And I’m still learning what that means for my life. Each day brings new challenges, new thoughts, new opportunities. Each day is a new day to live in the joy of forgiveness, to lift my head and tackle whatever comes my way. Each day gives me a chance to share this joy with others and to live into this promise. Each day is a new chance to live into the joy of Jesus’ forgiveness.

Amen.

Making Space

The heaviness of winter’s air is starting to lift
The promise of spring looms in front of me
The darkness of the night makes way for the light of day
Outside spring is in full force
Outside the sun shines brightly
But inside, I’m making space
Opening my heart to the promise of a springtime in my life
Waiting for the new thing
Anticipating what lies ahead
Knowing that I can face the remaining days of cold and darkness