Thursday, November 12, 2009

Need vs. Want

I should be working...I'm in my office where the afternoon is unusually quiet; that means I'm working, right? Never mind that I'm reading blogs and checking personal email and texting my hubby. I will leave soon to pick up Baby Girl from daycare; she's 17 months old now. I think I need a different nickname, but I digress.

Knowing tomorrow will be a busy day of appointments, I want to get a sermon written for this weekend--maybe it's even a need. But it's not happening. I'm managing to stay on top of other work things and maybe even enjoying some of them. But not preaching. It seems to be such a struggle lately. And yet, I look longingly at a potential D.Min program at my alma mater. But I've become a horrible preacher. My habits are atrocious; I am very disappointed in myself. I would be embarrassed to tell my preaching professor, a person who I admire so much, a person who has also so often been my pastor.

I can't decide if my bad preaching is a symptom or the problem. I am so very done here in this place. I need something that will be rejuvenating and life-giving. I'm hopeful about a continuing ed. event this summer, but details are still very fuzzy and senior pastor is already having a fit about how he'll fit taking youth on a mission trip and get his vacation in this summer, especially if I'll be gone any of it. (Never mind that I agreed to go to the week of confirmation camp and also am entitled to vacation time. Heaven forbid that we get a supply pastor even though it's in the budget.)

I want to be a better preacher--I need to. Yes, God can work through all sorts of garbage, but I've got to get out of the way. Right now, I feel squarely in the way. I find all sorts of things to do to avoid sermon writing because I feel like such a failure.

At text study this week, I said that I wasn't sure where I'm going exactly (I have a designated theme because of a program we are doing). I said, "I think I just need to start writing and see what happens." I just haven't been able to bring myself to start. Sometimes I need to sit with paper and pencil. Perhaps late tonight after evening meeting. Who needs sleep, right?


Sarah S-D said...

oh silent, i hadn't read this yet when i finally replied to your e-mail yesterday. it is HARD to preach when vocation is in question or when you are clear on being called away.

is it a preaching d.min.? a friend of mine did that through my alma mater, but i know lots of the schools in that big city work together on it. great program.

be gentle with yourself. and trust the Spirit.

Silent said...

Thanks Sarah. It was helpful to read this yesterday when I was still struggling with the sermon. Good response to it at tonight's service, so am relaxing a bit for tomorrow.

It is a preaching D.Min that our schools work together on it. My preaching prof is the director of the program. I'm sure it's great.

Jessica said...

I vote symptom. You ARE a good preacher... good preachers have dry spells. How did it turn out?

We need to get you out of there.