Lately I've noticed on blogger comments, in order to post a comment, you have to "Choose an identity." And I do...I go about logging in so that I can post comments and responses to various posts. But I'm not sure in the years (is it possibly nearly two!?) I've been blogging that I've ever noticed those words before. Maybe it's because they seem to encapsulate some things going on in me right now.
So what are my choices?
Mommy ~ On and off (mostly on) throughout I the day, I feel this little person inside me. I can't tell yet what are kicks or pokes or what exactly the movements are. Sometimes I think the baby is hiccuping. I think it might freak me out if/when I can see the actual outline of a body part on my belly. And it's possible that as the baby gets bigger and gets more confined, it won't feel so good. But for now, this is what I love--what I live for. Feeling this little person, someone I love with more love than I ever thought possible. I am sure that I was created to be pregnant. I have never felt more like I am what I was created to be.
Pastor ~ Recently I had an interview for a different position, in many ways completely unlike my current one. One of the things that came out of my mouth was that I'm a pastor because that is who I am. The things that I do as a pastor I do because it's what I'd be doing anyhow--caring for others, loving others, endeavoring to share and show God's love to the world around me. I think that's true.
But I can't do it here. I am so ready to walk out of this building and not come back. Of course, there are people I love and people who I will deeply miss. But if my choices are mommy or pastor here, I think I just want mommy. Our budget won't allow me giving up an income. The place I interviewed is no longer an option...unless someone else turns them down. It's too far away to commute and I'm not going to try to switch doctors mid-pregnancy. And...at this point, I don't know if I'm only out of the running because I can't start for months or something else. (If I'll ever know more than that, I'm not sure.)
So for today...I'm just looking ahead to Easter. Thinking about how I'm going to make it through the next week and a half. Then I'll start again...and try to figure out what comes next.