Friday, August 08, 2014


I recently saw an image (that I'm not going to take the effort to find at the moment) which pictures "what we want grief to look like" vs. "what grief actually looks like." The first is a nice straight-line arrow. The other begins as a straight-line arrow and turns into a tangled mess. Yeah, that.

It's so true. My emotions are all over the place. I had my annual physical today and the doctor asked about mood. I kind of laughed--I 'have trouble' with all of those--sadness, anxiety, anger, etc. But it's all 'normal.' I really don't think any of them can be solved with medication for me right now. I just need to figure out how to navigate them--because they are all the result of grief.

I miss my mom so much. I miss my dad so much. I'm not a true orphan--I'm 36 years old for crying out loud. I have 2 children of my own. But I feel so alone.

This ministry thing can be a lonely thing anyhow and grief doesn't help. A facebook friend of mine posted an article about "10 mom friends every mom should have" (like who doesn't get grossed out by anything, whose the crafty mom, etc.) Mutual friends started posting about who is which number for whom. And I felt like the left-out, shy junior high girl again, with a hint of jealously thrown in. I had briefly been in a mom's group with these women, but even while I still was, I couldn't have listed anyone who is one of those to me. My mom was my go-to for all of these things too.

And this was not where I intended to go, is what it is.

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