Can we go back to 2009?

2010 is off to an officially crappy start. I've avoided writing about some of it because it seemed like it would 'out' me, but really if anyone knows me, the last post already did. I've told on Baby Girl a lot. What can I say, she is the bright light of every day! Sometimes the only light.

So here's the year so far:

January 1-2 ~ No big deal. Hubby, Baby Girl, and I went out for a really early dinner on December 31 and then came home and settled in for the night. She went to bed at her normal time (7:30/8 p.m.) and we watched the ball drop in New York (so 11 p.m. our time) and went to sleep. The days were home and uneventful.

January 3 ~ Morning worship--not a big deal, except upon leaving from colleague. "Oh, did so-and-so talk to you? They want to come see you on Tuesday." Leaving me with guesses but unsure about topic.

January 5 ~ First day back in the office after a week off. So-and-so calls to set up appointment, colleague does give me a bit of history about what topic will be. Meet with him--blog later (the sermon I want to write versus the sermon I need to write.)

January 7 ~ 6 p.m. Short version -- Hubby gets hit in the eye with a flying rock. Serious injury. Crappy weather. Friend takes us all (including Baby Girl) to emergency room. Arrive home 10 p.m. after two ERs due to stupid hospital system

January 8 ~ Crappy weather, friend takes hubby to eye doc so as to disturb Baby Girl less, hubby to be on at least 5 days of bed rest, pills, and numerous drops. Frantically arrange care for girl for Saturday evening worship and Sunday morning. Oh yeah, and try to finish sermon.

January 9 ~ a.m. visit doc, eye looking good

January 10 ~ 2 a.m. hubby wakes me up in severe eye pain and seeing (or not as the case may be) as he did right after rock, 6 a.m. call senior pastor and give him two options--I don't come to worship/important Sunday School event I'm part of or his wife takes hubby to eye doc when he calls. senior pastor goes with option 2. Rebleed--really, really bad for eye--increase drugs and bed rest

January 10 ~ 8:30 a.m. with Baby Girl go get oil changed, p.m. in-laws arrive and I take hubby to doctor

rest of the week ~ someone takes hubby to doctor every day, either FIL, me or both ~ I try to work and try to maintain some sense of normalcy in my home and with Baby Girl

January 17 ~ morning between services--pre-annual meeting meeting that I don't attend because it could get ugly regarding me and colleague, in-laws leave so FIL can have hernia surgery on Monday, hubby's eye improving

January 20 ~ ice storm, but get hubby to eye doc before it's bad to hear things are looking good--eliminate pills, keep drops, no need to see doc again until Wednesday

January 21 ~ a.m. hubby sees retina specialist, can't see retina as well as would like so needs to come back Monday, still really icy--don't want to have friend come out to watch Baby Girl so I can attend potentially horrid council meeting while hubby (who can finally drive) can go to older daughter's 7 p.m. recital, 5 p.m. hubby finds out that recital is at 6 p.m. an hour away--franctically prepares to go and take Baby Girl with, 9 p.m. I arrive home not long after them, 10 p.m. go to sleep, 11:30 p.m. woken up by hubby saying something about "kidney beans"--he's in severe pain--we do online research, call doctors, etc. --self-diagnose kidney stones, he's in bad shape

January 22 ~ 1 a.m. head to ER, loading up Baby Girl from sleeping--she stays asleep through move and all the way to the ER, wakes up then--about 2 a.m. is awake until 4 a.m. in the ER, hubby is definitively diagnosed with kidney stone, given loads of pain meds and sent home, 3:45 Baby Girl starts to melt down tremendously, I want to cry (she really was a trooper through it all--she's such a good, happy girl, we are so lucky!), 4:30 a.m. arrive home, sleeping Baby Girl stays asleep for transfer back to bed, 5 a.m. I curl up to sleep, 6:30 a.m. Baby Girl awake and ready to go! Hubby snoring away from all the heavy duty pain meds, I manage to get Baby Girl to watch some tv so I can doze until 7:30 a.m., 7:45 a.m. wake up hubby to watch her while I shower, 8 a.m. leave to take Baby Girl to daycare and head to pick up prescriptions for hubby, taken those home, 9:30 a.m. arrive in office--spend day (with exception of one home communion visit) trying to stay awake and write sermon for this weekend--which is annual meeting and potentially hurtful and the texts are about being the church (as I read them)--there seems to be a lot at stake.

Oh--and no time for this, but hubby has new job, don't know how many sick days he really has nor what his insurance covers; he had to buy insurance at this job and he's never sick, so I don't know which one he picked. We've seen no bills yet, but yikes...it cannot be good.

I want to go back to 2009. 2010 is not off to a good start.

Crayons

This morning, Baby Girl was playing with crayons, which I took away when she started saying, 'icky' and I noticed red chunks around her mouth. (She has been told repeatedly not to eat crayons and also had them taken away for doing so.) I put them away in a different spot than usual and she saw that. She cried a bit, but got over it. We played and she said goodbye to me as usual--with hugs, kisses, waves, etc. I left for work about 8:15 a.m.

When I came home around 3 p.m., she didn't come running like usual. I came in and said, "where's my girl?" She looked at me, pointed, and said "crayons." I replied, "can I have a hug?" She looked at me, pointed, and said "crayons." I went over to her to try to hug her; "crayons," she said. I encouraged her to ask nicely (i.e. saying please) which she did. Then I gave back her crayons, asked for a hug and she happily obliged.

That girl forgets nothing! But obviously can hold a grudge, but not forever. I usually rock her to drowsy and then put her in her crib. Tonight, she wanted to be held until asleep. I would try to move her and she'd say, "NO" and push me back in the chair. She was quite content to snuggle. She makes me so happy. I still can't believe how much I love her!

The Sermon I Want to Write vs. the Sermon I Need to Write

So, the lectionary is a good thing, yes? I knew this week was Baptism of Our Lord for a long time, knowing I'd be preaching. I hadn't looked at the texts closely prior to Tuesday morning. When Isaiah's/God's words struck me the most. "I have called you by name, you are mine." (The text is Isaiah 43:1-7.) And others..."you are precious in my sight; I love you." Words that most of us need to hear more often than we do. I read these on Tuesday morning, just after having been given a heads-up that I was going to have someone come in to talk to me in the afternoon as a follow-up to an evaluation given 2 plus years ago. The story is much more drawn out than I have in me. The conversation went well, but here are the highlights. I don't talk about myself enough in my sermons. (Really--I was taught that sermons should be about, I don't know, GOD.) I am not 'friendly' enough in the narthex before/after services. (Really--when you rush to put your coat on or make a closed circle to talk with your friends, I'm not going to interrupt you unless I have something more specific than good morning to say.) I've been here nearly 7 years; these aren't new things...but I can only change so much. Especially when I found out this follow-up (so late) is because a handful of people thought that they should 'eliminate the position' for 2010. At least council said, "no--if this was part of the evaluation 2 years ago, we need to follow up on it rather than having done nothing than told her that 2 years ago...and we don't agree on the step of eliminating the position."

Anyway, Tuesday night/Wednesday morning at 1 a.m. Baby Girl wakes up. I listen to her whine/moan/cry through the moniter about 15 minutes and then go hold her, rocking her for 1/2 hour before she settles down. Just long enough to be fully awake and hear the words echoing in my head that I'm not good enough. (And continuing to echo for at least an hour more after I get back in my bed.) I never have been and never will be. The good news is that I also had the words of Isaiah/God echoing around in there. "You are precious in my sight and I love you. I created you. You are mine."

So the sermon I want to write is basically this..."You want to hear more about me. How about this? I'm a shy quiet introvert who wants you to learn about me by taking time to talk to me, not by sharing stories from the pulpit. From here, I want you to hear about God. But today, how about this? In my life, I've hardly ever felt good enough...and Tuesday I was told I wasn't good enough to be here, to be standing before you. So I spent hours awake with that echoing in my head. The good news is that I had God's voice too--and too bad for you, that's the one I'm going to listen to. If I'm not good enough for you, fine. I am God's beloved and I am doing the best I can to be who God made me--and it's not by telling stories about myself or about shaking more hands after worship."

And the sermon I need to write is not quite the same....It will be about all of us needing to hear Isaiah's/God's words echoing in our minds. I just first have to get through the sermon I want to write and to hear the sermon I need to hear in order to get to the sermon they need to hear.