Good Good Friday

As the person planning and leading worship, it's often hard to be a worshiper in said services. I'm so often thinking of what comes next, of worrying if everything is going off without a hitch, of making sure everything happens as planned--or at least in a somewhat smooth manner. Sometimes something really rattles me--like a kid throwing up during the children's sermon on Easter, that kind of thing. But sometimes, sometimes, I really get to worship.

I've had two experiences recently--two times I really, really needed it. One was during our Midweek Lenten services. After a rough week early in Lent with my babies, with hubby we decided it was best if they just didn't come. It wasn't worth the headache for us all to deal with them. They are in church ALL the time--a few Wednesdays away wouldn't hurt. And it was so nice to sing the hymns which were some of my favorite and just let them wash over me.

But even that was nothing like Good Friday. I had planned the service using my denominational worship book for the beginning of the service including a reading from Isaiah and used Erica Schemper's Service of Shadows and Stones for the outline of the rest. (It didn't hurt that "What Wondrous Love is This" is one of my many favorite hymns.)

I had bulletins marked up for the pianist and the ushers for how to gradually dim the lights throughout the service. We had a huge cross draped in black with a crown of thorns centrally located with a light behind it. I had that light on a remote switch that I could turn and off. I thought it would be cool to have it completely dark and then just turn that light on remotely as the cue for the soloist to sing her verse. The lay reader had volunteered--folks just do that here, I didn't specifically invite someone for this service. It happened to be the soloist, a trained opera singer--a performer, and a person of deep faith.

It did turn out so amazingly well. People even listened to the instructions to leave in silence! They aren't known for silence here (and that is an understatement!). On Easter morning, one person told me that it was a really meaningful service and that his 8th grade son left and said, "That was really cool." That's a pretty high compliment from a 14 year old boy!!

But that's not what was so good for me. In the span of 45 minutes, I got to have my worship experience of Holy Week and even Easter. By Good Friday, I was emotionally ready for Easter. I was tired of living in Lent, of thinking of death. I was ready for life. But at the same time, I needed Good Friday and the story of Jesus.

So as I sat in the front row, the reader read from Isaiah and I heard the story of Jesus. I heard the crucifixion; I heard the depths of Jesus' suffering, the depths of God's love. Because of the reader's delivery, it was like I was hearing this all again for the first time. God was speaking through these words. It was the promise of love wrapped in the pain of Good Friday. I forgot that I was leading worship; I was lost in worship.

I was able to lead the rest of the service. I read the final passage, said the final prayer, turned out the light behind the cross and took my seat in the front row. I prayed in the dark and silence (and kept track of time a little bit) and pressed my remote to turn the light on. And let the beautiful voice and beautiful words and wondrous love--in haunting form--wash over me.

And in order to help folks leave in silence, I departed to my office. I waited until everyone was out and planned to sit in the sanctuary just a few moments alone before turning off all the lights and locking the building. So I wouldn't have to go back to my office I grabbed my keys and cell phone (all I had with me) and turned lights off as I went. Sitting in the sanctuary not ten minutes after the service, I got a text. "Great service!!" I smiled--and saw the cross in a new light. New life--love, Easter.

It was a good Good Friday!

Responsible One?

Yesterday after the morning of church, we went for a fast-food lunch. Baby Girl fell asleep on the way home. We got home, put her in bed and I laid down too--asking my hubby to wake me up in about an hour.

After that, these were my choices:
1. Stay in bed, sleep some more, spend a quiet (as quiet as it can be with a 2 1/2 year old) afternoon and evening at home

2. Drive an hour (one way) to a 2+ hour meeting for the church that I'm supposed to be at--and am supposed to bring two lay folks along to

Which was the responsible thing to do?

I did number two, even though I couldn't find lay folks to go. Which is why I felt even more like I should go. And I found it boring and frustrating. Many of the folks in the host city (not the host congregation) weren't even there. Really, I could take 2 hours of drive time to come to this and you couldn't take 20 minutes?

I still feel icky and tired. Today I wonder, was it worth it. I missed out on another nap, a time for my body to work harder on healing, restful time at home with Baby Girl and my hubby (and my mom who is visiting this week).

I can't do it all--why do I think others can? Why do all of us think others can? Why did we even have that meeting--it was so not useful. Ugh. That's all I have to say about it.

Inspiration Please Strike NOW

So I have yet to prepare my confirmation lesson for tonight. What I've done in the past is really boring--even to me. But the curriculum I have to use now has so little content on this topic (in my opinion). I am having trouble finding a middle ground. And I need something for tonight! This has to be done first before I move on to the piles of other things. Inspiration now would be very helpful!

Sleep

I have always been a sound sleeper. Hubby tells me that once on vacation I slept through a tornado. (He looked out the window and said trees were blowing down to the ground.) I love to sleep--and need a lot of it.

Until Baby Girl. When I became a mom (and a breastfeeding one at that), I became a much less sound sleeper. But I still need lots of sleep.

Baby Girl (now 2 1/2) hasn't been sleeping well lately. That's debatable I guess--last night she wasn't up and awake, but she kept moaning in her sleep and crying out 'mama.' Which means 'mama' isn't sleeping well. I lay in my bed deciding whether or not to check on her. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I go in and lay on the floor next to her bed so I can just make comforting noises. Sometimes I fall asleep there--it's not very comfortable either. Last night was a bit unusual though; in the last few weeks, there have been many nights when she was really awake. And she doesn't usually want Daddy--which is good, since he usually doesn't hear her. And I end up awake anyhow. I guess I'd rather be awake and caring for her than just awake.

I am just so tired. And when I'm tired, I'm sluggish. And when I'm sluggish, not much gets done. And I have so freaking much to do! I have to push to get a ton done in the hour I have before I get Baby Girl. Maybe a to-do list for tomorrow will help!

Youth Ministry

So...youth ministry is an absolutely essential component of congregational life. I believe it. I also know that is not where my skills and talents lie. But...in this small, struggling in some ways--vibrant in others--congregation I now serve, this was an area where there really wasn't anything. So I'm trying--a once a month high school group. First time there were 2 kids, last night there were 6. And I just kind of let them go to see how they interact with one another and me and talk about faith stuff and life stuff.

I came home with a splitting headache. And some thoughts about how I need to go from here.

1. I need to make a youth room happen. This has apparently been discussed ad nauseum for years and they are feeling pretty defeated I think. They are all smart kids; they understand we have a really small space and the space would have to be shared--in that it may be needed at times for certain other things. (So no black walls or graffiti or stuff like that) They need to know I (and the congregation) really do care about them.

2. I need to make some 'ground rules' next time. Nothing major--just things like, oh, don't talk when someone else is talking once we get started. I'm all about just hanging out time too--but once we start a conversation--let's listen to one another. Really--that's about the only one. They were pretty good about checking phones and putting them away, rather than texting throughout--so unless that becomes a problem later, whatever.

What else--I'm pretty clueless. But for now, I guess this will do.

Wednesdays

I hate Wednesdays. One of my least favorite things about Wednesdays is teaching confirmation. In my last setting, I had 48 7th and 8th graders. I now have 10 6th, 7th, and 8th graders. Both have pros and cons. Overall, I think this 10 would be preferred.

But...Wednesdays are horrible on our family. Hubby was recruited for choir--they need more than one bass; he makes two. When choir decided on a meeting time, the selected Wednesday evening at the same time as confirmation. Which we all knew meant Baby Girl would be along and that hubby would have to be the one to care for her during that time if need be. This was okay for a week or two.

Then, a couple things happened. One--other parents have been having to bring their kids. Baby Girl wants so much to play with them, but they are old enough to be self-sufficient, but not old enough to play with her unsupervised. This is a challenge.

Two--Hubby decided to join/support fledgeling attempt at a praise group, which is meeting the hour right before choir. Which means we are all at church even longer.

Yesterday was particularly bad. I don't think Baby Girl napped at daycare--normally, 'grandma' tells me, but didn't say anything in particular. However, she fell asleep in her carseat on the way home. I let her sleep for an hour, which mean we drove to church before she woke up. This (and refusing to eat most of her supper) made her a particularly unhappy camper.

And our building is small enough that she can almost always see or hear me and has been in "mommy mode" a lot recently. A number of factors conspired last night and hubby finally took her home early leaving choir. This is not working--for her, or me. It also means a late bedtime and a fight to do so. The bedtime time itself wouldn't be so horrible if she had time to decompress herself at home before heading to bed. It makes Wednesdays even more stressful--and confirmation, when I'm distracted by her screaming or them having to walk through to where the potty is.

The problem is that pretty much everyone we know in this town that we'd trust to watch her during this time is busy at church on Wednesday evenings. I dont' know what we are going to do. But we can't keep this up--it's just not working.

Doing it All

I can't do everything. I know that. I've always known it, I guess. But I'm getting better at realizing it.

However, how do I manage to waste so much time at work? Why am I not getting work done when I'm in my office? It's 10:30 a.m. and I've accomplished nothing in the nearly 2 hours I've been here! In order to be better able to get done at home what needs to be done on Friday and Saturday, today I must accomplish the following: a few items for tonight's board meeting, a sermon for Sunday, Sunday School prep (which is started). That's not much, but it's a lot. I have a seed of an idea for my sermon and that's all for that so far.

I have a meeting to go to at 3, home quick for supper, and back for meeting at 5:30. Must have this done by 3. So now it's to work!

Except--wow, this was boring! No one even commented on my last post which was funny--why am I even bothering?

To Do Lists

My 'to do' list at my current congregation is getting shorter and shorter. It is feeling good to mark things off the list. The list doesn't include lots of things like packing up my office and turning over files, etc. but rather the tasks, the events, the sermons.

I'm trying not to start my 'to do' list for my new congregation too soon. But things are already creeping onto it.

And, don't get me started on the home to do list--yikes! Lots to do to get our house ready to sell; once we list it we can start doing serious house-hunting in the new town. It's not looking really great in our price range, but we'll manage.

Number one, however, on my list is the item I'm struggling with--Easter morning sermon. Have seriously been lacking sermon mojo here for some time; I was hopeful knowing change is coming would help. Not so far. I'll get there somehow; I always do. Just wish it felt more like a gift of the Spirit to have the opportunity to preach here and now and less like an item on my to do list.

Need vs. Want

I should be working...I'm in my office where the afternoon is unusually quiet; that means I'm working, right? Never mind that I'm reading blogs and checking personal email and texting my hubby. I will leave soon to pick up Baby Girl from daycare; she's 17 months old now. I think I need a different nickname, but I digress.

Knowing tomorrow will be a busy day of appointments, I want to get a sermon written for this weekend--maybe it's even a need. But it's not happening. I'm managing to stay on top of other work things and maybe even enjoying some of them. But not preaching. It seems to be such a struggle lately. And yet, I look longingly at a potential D.Min program at my alma mater. But I've become a horrible preacher. My habits are atrocious; I am very disappointed in myself. I would be embarrassed to tell my preaching professor, a person who I admire so much, a person who has also so often been my pastor.

I can't decide if my bad preaching is a symptom or the problem. I am so very done here in this place. I need something that will be rejuvenating and life-giving. I'm hopeful about a continuing ed. event this summer, but details are still very fuzzy and senior pastor is already having a fit about how he'll fit taking youth on a mission trip and get his vacation in this summer, especially if I'll be gone any of it. (Never mind that I agreed to go to the week of confirmation camp and also am entitled to vacation time. Heaven forbid that we get a supply pastor even though it's in the budget.)

I want to be a better preacher--I need to. Yes, God can work through all sorts of garbage, but I've got to get out of the way. Right now, I feel squarely in the way. I find all sorts of things to do to avoid sermon writing because I feel like such a failure.

At text study this week, I said that I wasn't sure where I'm going exactly (I have a designated theme because of a program we are doing). I said, "I think I just need to start writing and see what happens." I just haven't been able to bring myself to start. Sometimes I need to sit with paper and pencil. Perhaps late tonight after evening meeting. Who needs sleep, right?

Sermonizing

So I'm working on a sermon for this weekend that is turning out to be much more difficult than I anticipated. We are doing a new summer program for families at church this year. This Sunday's event is basically on of our usual liturgies (a contemporary-ish setting) with just a few tweaks--a few things taken out so it is shorter and song selections that are a bit more 'kid-friendly.' We decided to have no children's sermon and no 'regular' sermon, but just one. In many ways, it will be more like a children's sermon. My plan is to make a circle of parents with their kids in a circle in front of them. This way parents are still in charge of their own kids if they are wandering (instead of having all the kids up front with me). The challenging part is that I thought it would be easier to do this same sermon for our traditional services as well--now I'm not sure about that. So I'm struggling as I'm trying to write it. Plus--in theory, I'm on vacation this week, so I sorely lack motivation. I think the real reason I convinced myself it would be easier is that I just don't want to write another sermon. But, I must write at least one now!!

To Do List

So...we are flying up to Holy Week and these are the major points of my to do list.

• Palm/Passion Sunday Sermon (services Saturday evening and 2 Sunday morning)
• Maundy Thursday Sermon
• Good Friday "sermonette" -- we have an ecumenical service and a series of 6 short (i.e. 3 minutes max) reflections and I have to do one of them

So in the midst of sermonizing, I have decided to apply for a job that I probably have no chance of getting. A job which is going to begin looking at applicants on April 15. Yeah....

So my goal is to get Sat/Sun sermon done tonight or first thing in the morning and get going on the application. I'm the kind of preacher who has difficulty with writing two sermons at the same time, so even though I have ideas for both Thursday and Friday, to actually write them before Sunday is over isn't likely.

The good news (in this) is that I'm an associate pastor and so not preaching on Easter morning! On the other hand, the reason I'm looking for another job is that I'm an associate pastor. Not completely true--I'm learning that being an associate pastor isn't all bad...it's just not so good for me here right now.

Labor Day Friday Five

Here in the USA we are celebrating the last fling of the good ol' summertime. It is Labor Day weekend, and families are camping, playing in the park, swimming, grilling hotdogs in the backyard, visiting amusement parks and zoos and historical sites and outdoor concerts and whatever else they can find to help them extend summer's sun and play just a little bit longer.

It is supposed to also be a celebration of the working man and woman, the backbone of the American economy, the "salt-of-the-earth neices and nephews of Uncle Sam. With apologies to those in other countries, this is a Friday Five about LABOR. All can play. Put down that hammer, that spoon, that rolling pin, that rake, that pen, that commentary, that lexicon, and let's have some fun.

1. Tell us about the worst job you ever had.
I haven't really had a 'worst' job. As a teen, some of my babysitting jobs felt like they were the worst. And even though I'm not really happy in my current job, it's not that the vocation/job is bad--it's the place I am now, physically and emotionally.

2. Tell us about the best job you ever had.
Being a mommy.

3. Tell us what you would do if you could do absolutely anything (employment related) with no financial or other restrictions.
At the moment, I want to be able to stay home with Baby Girl, taking care of her and the rest of my family. I would also love to write for children, perhaps even curriculum for Sunday School or other Christian Education. I still feel called to ordained ministry, so I don't want to leave it completely, but would love a break from the day to day of parish life.

4. Did you get a break from labor this summer? If so, what was it and if not, what are you gonna do about it?
Well...I got a break from the labor of my paid job, but it was because of the other labor I went through! :) Welcoming Baby Girl and taking maternity leave was one kind of break!

5. What will change regarding your work as summer morphs into fall? Are you anticipating or dreading?
What's changing is increased craziness at church--too many evenings and meetings and too much leaving Baby Girl. I dread much of it, though particularly teaching confirmation. 61 7th and 8th graders in one room is just too many! (Even if they sit with an adult in small groups and spend have the time in breakout sessions with those adult leaders.)

Bonus question: For the gals who are mothers, do you have an interesting story about labor and delivery (LOL)? If you are a guy pal, not a mom, or you choose not to answer the above, is there a song, a book, a play, that says "workplace" to you?
I don't know that my story about labor and delivery is interesting...but it's recent.

Birthday Wish List

I'm rapidly approaching my golden birthday--Sunday in fact. I gave my husband a list of two things I want: a video camera and a ring. I even showed him a picture of the style of ring I want and we've discussed the video camera.

But what I really really want is to be able to stay home with Baby Girl! I've been pretty unhappy in my job for some time now and it's only getting worse. Add that to leaving Baby Girl 3 days a week and way too many evenings and I'm going to crack. (Despite the fact that she is a wonderful home during those days--a mom I handpicked to watch her and that's she with my huband in the evenings...) I was worried about post-partum depression. The only post-partum depression is the leaving her and the life-sucking that's happening at work.

I need to sit down and pay our bills; I'm going to try to figure out what it would take for me to go "on leave from call." I just don't think I can do this much longer.