Thank you blog!

My sermon for Wednesday is almost done! Hooray! It will be done before I leave the office today. And it's thanks in part to at least three blog posts. I'm borrowing my own words--or reordering them--or something. I'm not sure why it feels like such a gift of grace, but it is.

Lent is kicking my butt--the writing on the words just had to go. But my energy for writing is slowly coming back. I'm slowly clearing off the crazy piles on my desk and it helps. I cleaned our super icky refrigerator yesterday and it helps. Bringing order helps. Despite the fact that I talked about Sabbath yesterday in worship; about a need to rest. I need that too--but it's figuring out the rhythm of work and Sabbath.

Mama's Girl

I am upstairs in my house, futilely trying to write a sermon for tomorrow. Meanwhile, downstairs my baby (Precious) is screaming her head off. She's in Daddy's capable hands, but she wants Mommy. Which means I'm in this position I hate--balancing mommyhood and ministry. It's not like I was overly busy in the office this week--this sermon just won't come! And so now my whole family suffers. Precious is unhappy. Daddy is unhappy because he can't do the stuff he wants to do on his day off (never mind all the stuff that I do around the house too). Baby Girl is watching too much tv because that is Daddy's method of keeping both girls occupied. Precious doesn't watch tv even when it's on--just not interested. But then he doesn't have to occupy two. And I have a hard time writing because my baby is crying and it is the most distracting sound in the world. And I'm reminded of how often I'm failing at trying to do it all. I've given up trying to do it all--but I need to get a little more done than I am every day.

Sigh.

Precious is quiet now--guess I should try again to make this sermon come!

Don't Stress About It

Says hubby at noon. So very unhelpful...

Baby Girl won't admit to wanting to nap, but doesn't want to stay alone watching tv.

Precious doesn't want to be put down, period. And screams if we are in bedroom with Baby Girl.

Hubby is working outside because he wants to get further on shed and has help today.

But, I have to write a sermon. The other stuff that should get done -- laundry, bills, filing, watering plants can wait. But I need to write this sermon and have nothing...nothing...

Yesterday sucked--I wanted to scratch the last post and say I'm not even feeling like a good mommy because Baby Girl was pushing every button.

I'm so frustrated with life at the moment...

Maybe it is post-partum depression. I just don't know what to do about it....because medicine won't give me more hours in a day or a family who does more than they do...

posted one-handed holding precious in room next to Baby Girl who hasn't noticed I'm gone...here's hoping she went to sleep...might be able to sermonize!

Easter Sermon

I'm ready for the next two days (Maundy Thursday and Good Friday), but not yet for Easter. Babies and new life are quite obviously on my brain--at least not in my arms! :)

Aside: I saw my doctor for my 36 week appointment on Tuesday. Usually a cervical check is done at that appointment, but since that can stimulate labor, she suggested waiting a week as she knew I want to get through Easter for sure! There was no real medical reason to do one right then as my blood pressure is good, I'm measuring okay even if big, I haven't had real contractions, etc. So that will come next week.

Anyway, back to the original post...As I look at Matthew's version of this story, I am seeing so many things that I could relate to pregnancy--and this phase of it in particular. And maybe that's a sermon I'll need to write for me...or a blog post or something...or maybe an article for Fidela's Sisters but I just don't think I can write it for this audience. I don't know enough people's stories. I feel like it would have the potential to cause more pain than it should if there are people who are struggling/have struggled with infertility or not having children by choice and later regretting it or people who just can't relate because they don't have children or are men or... And I don't want to get it written and then feel that way.

And my 36 week pregnant self is tired! So I'm copping out...I'm going to re-work an old Easter sermon (not preached here) and call it good. I hope. Now to work on it!

Big

Big...belly ~ I feel so much bigger this time around. I also find myself comparing how big I was or how I felt at this time of year 3 years ago, but constantly have to remind myself that's not fair. Baby Girl was born in May (the 31st) but her due date was June 30. So even though this little one is due in May (and hopefully will be born in that month), I'm really 6 weeks farther along. So I should be bigger. And from what I understand, second time mommies get bigger faster. At every doctor's appointment, I'm measuring right on track. (Actually at the last appointment, I was measuring 1/2 week behind.) So I guess I just feel big.

Big...snow ~ 15 inches they said on the news between yesterday afternoon and this morning. Lots of high winds and blowing. Everything closed today and much closed tomorrow as well. I don't mind not getting out all that much, but we all get along better if hubby and Baby Girl get chances to go out.

Big...wuss ~ From what I hear, it's lots of men and I don't know that for sure, but I know it's true for hubby. He's sick--which means he has a cold. His head hurts and he feels like doing nothing. So he doesn't. But I still have work to do and I really need him to play with Baby Girl at least a little bit. If I felt like he looks and sounds, he would still expect me to be doing my normal stuff. I'm frustrated.

Edited on Thursday--okay, he's more sick than yesterday started. He has chills and fever so can't do as much, but that still didn't hit right away. So, now the question as he and she nap--try to get some work done or nap too (between his hacking and her coming into bed with me at 2:45 a.m. and me not sleeping well at all after that, I feel like I barely slept!)?

Responsible One?

Yesterday after the morning of church, we went for a fast-food lunch. Baby Girl fell asleep on the way home. We got home, put her in bed and I laid down too--asking my hubby to wake me up in about an hour.

After that, these were my choices:
1. Stay in bed, sleep some more, spend a quiet (as quiet as it can be with a 2 1/2 year old) afternoon and evening at home

2. Drive an hour (one way) to a 2+ hour meeting for the church that I'm supposed to be at--and am supposed to bring two lay folks along to

Which was the responsible thing to do?

I did number two, even though I couldn't find lay folks to go. Which is why I felt even more like I should go. And I found it boring and frustrating. Many of the folks in the host city (not the host congregation) weren't even there. Really, I could take 2 hours of drive time to come to this and you couldn't take 20 minutes?

I still feel icky and tired. Today I wonder, was it worth it. I missed out on another nap, a time for my body to work harder on healing, restful time at home with Baby Girl and my hubby (and my mom who is visiting this week).

I can't do it all--why do I think others can? Why do all of us think others can? Why did we even have that meeting--it was so not useful. Ugh. That's all I have to say about it.

Laundry

The pile is neverending, isn't it? I try to do it all on one day though--it really makes me feel as if I've accomplished something. I can see the progress, even if it is fleeting. Today I didn't finish and that's okay because I don't have a super busy day tomorrow.

I love having Fridays home with Baby Girl, but wish I could accomplish more of the 'stuff' that needs to be done around the house. A 2 1/2 year old just isn't much help. And now I'm exhausted, my throat hurts and I want to sleep. But I must wait for a bit--the laundry that needs to be pulled out of the dryer half done should be done soon. I'll hang that, and then it's off to bed.

I'm sure it won't take me an hour to fall asleep like it took Baby Girl!

Balance and Guilt

So as I'm settling into my new call, my new home, my new life...I'm trying to find a new balance. A new balance in which guilt about not being good enough at anything seems to lurk just below the surface. And so, this afternoon, for this hour I'm sitting on my couch--home alone. I need to clean and organize and file at home; I need to write a sermon--ideally by 4 p.m. today so that it doesn't bleed into family time. But I need this too--just sitting in my home watching design tv. So I am--even though I could be wasting time in my office pretending to work. I'm trying not to feel guilty. I will go back to work soon and will really work. And my sermon will be done by Sunday morning--well Saturday evening this week as I'm preaching at a service then. I will spend the time I need to with my family. And stuff at home will get done when it gets done. I'll keep learning this balance. One design show at a time. Ha!