To Do Today

In an effort to get something accomplished today, I am posting my to do today list here!

• water plants -- DONE (10:45 a.m.)
  
• laundry -- DONE (3:45 p.m.)
  
• balance checkbook ~ 3 months worth! -- DONE (3:45 p.m.)
  
• vacuum -- DONE, what's going to be anyway (12:30 p.m.)
  
• empty garbage throughout house -- DONE (12:30 p.m.)
• file bank statements, etc.
• thank you notes for baby gifts
  
• take recycling to recycling center -- DONE (6:15 p.m.)
  
• box up some items for charity
  

That doesn't look like so much when I write it. Now if I can just get to it!

ETA ~ if only I didn't think of more things each time I come to mark something off!

Choices

This morning began at 4 a.m. I am NOT a morning person. I tried to coax Baby Girl back to sleep after she ate. I gave up on that at 5 and let her play on the floor while I tried to work on my sermon, which at that point consisted of the lectionary readings and a vague idea. When she fell asleep on the floor at 5:30 and I was falling asleep in the chair, we both went back to bed. I got up at 7 to really write and am making progress now at nearly 8 while she still sleeps.

But I made choices last night that I wonder about...

--Was it that Pepsi I drank before her final nursing session that woke her up in less time than she has been sleeping for most of this week? But she did sleep 6 hours straight, which was what she slept the night before. The rest of the week was 8-10 hours. I was hopeful that we had established that pattern.

--She was snuggly and sleepy last evening, so we snuggled on the couch for 3 hours before bathtime and eventual bedtime. Did I let her sleep too much too comfortably too close to bedtime? And more to the point today, should I have been working on my sermon instead of holding her when she was asleep? I loved every second of the snuggly time, her little chest against mine, her little head on my shoulder so I could sniff the sweet baby smell, the little arms falling in such a way that it felt like an embrace. She is such a gift from God, a promise of God's love, and a proclamation of good news to me. Unfortunately that doesn't translate into the sermon that the people need to hear--and while it makes me feel like a good mother, makes me feel like a bad pastor.

Friday Five ~ Johnny Appleseed

Raise your hand if you know that today is Johnny Appleseed Day!

September 26, 1774 was his birthday. Johnny Appleseed" (John Chapman) is one of America's great legends. He was a nurseryman who started out planting trees in western New York and Pennsylvania, but he was among those who were captivated by the movement west across the continent.

As Johnny traveled west (at that time, the "West" was places like Ohio, Michigan, Indiana, and Illinois) he planted apple trees and sold trees to settlers. With every apple tree that was planted, the legend grew. A devout Christian, he was known to preach during his travels. According to legend, Johny Appleseed led a simple life and wanted little. He rarely accepted money and often donated any money he received to churches or charities. He planted hundreds of orchards, considering it his sevice to humankind. There is some link between Johnny Appleseed and very early Arbor Day celebrations.

So, in honor of this interesting fellow, let's get on with the questions!

1. What is your favorite apple dish? (BIG BONUS points if you share the recipe.)
I love a simple Cortland apple--which for some reason I can't find at grocery stores around me. I also love homemade applesauce (from the Cortlands)...wash, cut, leave the peel on, boil in a little water until soft and mushy, grind (best to do by hand in a food mill as opposed to a blender). Eat warm. Love it!

2. Have you ever planted a tree? If so was there a special reason or occasion you can tell us about?
Growing up, we had 2 pear treas, 1 cherry tree, and 5 apple trees. :) I remember planting some of them. The 5 apple trees were 4 different varieties--Spartan, Yellow Transparent, Golden Delicious, and 2 Cortlands.

3. Does the idea of roaming around the countryside (preaching or otherwise) appeal to you? Why or why not?
Maybe some roaming, but not preaching. I love to travel. I don't like preaching where I'm not part of the community.

4. Who is a favorite "historical legend" of yours?
Apparently I don't have one--I'm having a hard time thinking of one. Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox?


5. Johnny Appleseed was said to sing to keep up his spirits as he traveled the roads of the west. Do you have a song that comes when you are trying to be cheerful, or is there something else that you often do?
What to do when trying to be cheerful--hmm...not really sure. What did I do before Baby Girl? Because now I can I look at her beautiful face and try to get her to smile and giggle. That's the best sight in the world!

Why I Never Get Anything Done

Recently, I've realized something about myself. If I start a project, I want to be able to finish it--in a short period of time, if not immediately. I don't want to be interrupted. Of course, interruptions are unavoidable--I know this. But I paralyze myself with the potential for interruptions. Such as, "I can't start writing that blog post because I'll just get it started and Baby Girl will wake up and be hungry." Silly example, but as I look around at the piles and mess that is my house now, it certainly fits for those other things too!

Today is a work at home day, so while Baby Girl is sleeping, I better do some of that. Before I get interrupted!

The Never-Ending Story: Chapter Four

This is a meme that Ruth started to create A Never-Ending Story. I have written a Chapter Four based on RevDrKate's Chapter Three. You are invited to either write a Chapter Five from here or take off from someone else's previous chapters. If you want to do a Five from this one, here are the rules: Put a link to this post. Label the Link "Chapter Four." and to Ruth's "Chapter One." Write your own installment and label it "Chapter Five." Remember to leave it unresolved. Come leave a comment on this post when you're done. If you want to follow one of the other threads, head on over to Ruth's blog where there is a box dedicated to this meme. You can find links to all the chapters in process and pick a thread to follow.


Chapter Four

Unconsciously I reached for my coffee, but my hands continued to shake and I promptly spilled it all over the front page of the newspaper. “Pull yourself together,” I said to myself as I gathered up the paper to throw it in the trash. “You need to get ready for work.”

As I went about my morning routine, I couldn’t help but be preoccupied. My daddy died when I was eight years old and I had spent many years trying to put the circumstances of his death out of my mind. Like most children who have lost parents, I had to deal with his absence over and over throughout my life. There were so many “should have” moments—moments that he “should have” been there for. I missed him when I learned to drive, when I brought home my first boyfriend, when I graduated from high school, when I bought my home after I landed my job and M&F Insurance. I had learned how to handle those moments, but I still couldn’t quite come to terms with the intricacies of his death.

Mother didn’t like to talk about those days and as I got older I had more and more questions. I learned very quickly that I should keep those questions to myself. And now Jim Hartman’s phone call brought all of those questions back—starting with the day Daddy died.

I remembered that day. After the phone call that left Mother pale and shaking, she took me by the shoulders. “You need to be a brave and good girl. Daddy’s been,” her voice wavered and she seemed to struggle to find the words. “Daddy’s been in an accident. I need to go see to him.”

Mother and Daddy had rarely left me home alone. “I don’t know how long I will be. If you get hungry, you may make yourself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Have an apple and some milk too. Do not answer the phone or the door. You may watch TV until I get home.”

“But...” I started to say.

“Be a good girl,” Mother said, “I will be home as soon as I can.”

I fell asleep watching TV that night and as I woke up, I could hear Mother whispering on the telephone. Even half asleep, I knew I wasn’t supposed to hear, but I heard bits of Mother’s conversation. “…a guard outside his room…yes, there was a gun…multiple shots…a gambling scheme…he must have been involved…no, I don’t know the details…he never regained consciousness, Jim said.”

“Jim said,” I suddenly said aloud. That thought snapped me out of the fog as I pulled into my parking space. I looked around at the empty parking lot. “Damn, it’s a holiday. M&F is closed today.”

Labor Day Friday Five

Here in the USA we are celebrating the last fling of the good ol' summertime. It is Labor Day weekend, and families are camping, playing in the park, swimming, grilling hotdogs in the backyard, visiting amusement parks and zoos and historical sites and outdoor concerts and whatever else they can find to help them extend summer's sun and play just a little bit longer.

It is supposed to also be a celebration of the working man and woman, the backbone of the American economy, the "salt-of-the-earth neices and nephews of Uncle Sam. With apologies to those in other countries, this is a Friday Five about LABOR. All can play. Put down that hammer, that spoon, that rolling pin, that rake, that pen, that commentary, that lexicon, and let's have some fun.

1. Tell us about the worst job you ever had.
I haven't really had a 'worst' job. As a teen, some of my babysitting jobs felt like they were the worst. And even though I'm not really happy in my current job, it's not that the vocation/job is bad--it's the place I am now, physically and emotionally.

2. Tell us about the best job you ever had.
Being a mommy.

3. Tell us what you would do if you could do absolutely anything (employment related) with no financial or other restrictions.
At the moment, I want to be able to stay home with Baby Girl, taking care of her and the rest of my family. I would also love to write for children, perhaps even curriculum for Sunday School or other Christian Education. I still feel called to ordained ministry, so I don't want to leave it completely, but would love a break from the day to day of parish life.

4. Did you get a break from labor this summer? If so, what was it and if not, what are you gonna do about it?
Well...I got a break from the labor of my paid job, but it was because of the other labor I went through! :) Welcoming Baby Girl and taking maternity leave was one kind of break!

5. What will change regarding your work as summer morphs into fall? Are you anticipating or dreading?
What's changing is increased craziness at church--too many evenings and meetings and too much leaving Baby Girl. I dread much of it, though particularly teaching confirmation. 61 7th and 8th graders in one room is just too many! (Even if they sit with an adult in small groups and spend have the time in breakout sessions with those adult leaders.)

Bonus question: For the gals who are mothers, do you have an interesting story about labor and delivery (LOL)? If you are a guy pal, not a mom, or you choose not to answer the above, is there a song, a book, a play, that says "workplace" to you?
I don't know that my story about labor and delivery is interesting...but it's recent.

Birthday Wish List

I'm rapidly approaching my golden birthday--Sunday in fact. I gave my husband a list of two things I want: a video camera and a ring. I even showed him a picture of the style of ring I want and we've discussed the video camera.

But what I really really want is to be able to stay home with Baby Girl! I've been pretty unhappy in my job for some time now and it's only getting worse. Add that to leaving Baby Girl 3 days a week and way too many evenings and I'm going to crack. (Despite the fact that she is a wonderful home during those days--a mom I handpicked to watch her and that's she with my huband in the evenings...) I was worried about post-partum depression. The only post-partum depression is the leaving her and the life-sucking that's happening at work.

I need to sit down and pay our bills; I'm going to try to figure out what it would take for me to go "on leave from call." I just don't think I can do this much longer.

Friday Five ~ All Dates

Who knew there were so many ways to think about dates??

Songbird writes at Revgals, "Here are five things to ponder about dates. I hope you'll play!"

1) Datebooks--how do you keep track of your appointments? Electronically? On paper? Month at a glance? Week at a glance?
I like month at a glance on paper and use the free book sent to me each year by Thrivent Financial for Lutherans. I did use a Palm for a while, when my husband had one too and we could sync calendars to know what was going on with each other. (Though I still liked paper.) I tried to go electronic again recently with a Blackberry Pearl, but I really don't like it at all! I would like to go portable electronic if I found a system I liked--which is difficult because I really like the month at a glance.

2) When was the last time you forgot an important date?
Apparently I REALLY forgot, because I can't remember! :)

3) When was the last time you went OUT on a date?
My husband and I go out to eat way too much, so I guess those are dates. Though now our dates include a third person....Baby Girl! :) So far she's little enough that she sleeps through a lot or else is awake but happy to just be looking around. She doesn't need a lot yet to be easily entertained. Maybe when she gets older we'll have to start "date night."

4) Name one accessory or item of clothing you love even though it is dated.
Um...I'm not too attached to accessories or clothing. I have no sense of style, so I'm probably never current.

5) Dates--the fruit--can't live with 'em? Or can't live without 'em?
Neither? I do enjoy them in my Basic 4 cereal, but can't say I've eaten many dates on their own--if at all!

Bonus ~ "What's your idea of a perfect date? I'd say April 20th because it's not too hot or too cold. All you need is a light sweater." ~ from Miss Congeniality (probably misquoted--but it's how I remember it)

Bonus Two ~ Is there a date each year that is particularly meaningful for you for any reason? For me there are a few ~ May 1 and June 22 and September 25. I haven't posted about September 25 yet--you'll have to come back then!

On Being a Mother and Being a Daughter

A few posts ago I listed the blog posts I had written in my head and this was one of the titles. I realize as I look at that list that this particular post was 'written' in my head as a venting post. This will be less venting than it would have been if I had actually written it, I think...I guess we'll see.

I love my mom very much. We've had our ups and downs in recent years and have moved into a relatively healthy balance (at least for us). However, as grateful as I am for the time she spent with us after the birth of Baby Girl, I was ready for her to be gone.

We did really need her--my husband had a few days of school left along with some other important meetings that took him away. Baby Girl was quite jaundiced; I wanted to breastfeed but my milk wasn't in, so the doctor prescribed a "Supplemental Nursing System." (Baby jaundice gets better the more the baby poops--the baby poops more when they eat more, so getting something is crucial.) This system uses formula but requires at least 2 people and could probably use more. If you've never heard of this, you hang this bottle thing around your neck with a straw-like thing that goes down to the nipple, so when the baby nurses on the breast (to help stimulate milk production)--they get formula from the bottle and eventually breast milk too. But in reality, you can't just hang the bottle around your neck and go--it has to be higher than the breast and there is a second straw thing that has to be a certain way so enough air gets in the bottle in order to push the milk out. I could never have done this when hubby was at work. So Mom was able to help.

But--I realized something very important after about ten days, or at least was able to put words to what I was feeling. Two friends were over for dinner while my mom was here and one asked, "Well, what's it like seeing your daughter be a mom?" My mom's response was, "I haven't really thought about it." That's when I realized what I was feeling--she wasn't letting me be a mom, she was mothering both of us. And with the time since I first thought of this post, I am choosing to believe that it was with the best of intentions. She was mothering me--making sure my body had a chance to heal, that I got enough rest, and took care of myself. And her way of doing this was to take care of Baby Girl too--and not let me take care of her sometimes.

I'll have to have a part 2 to this post--Baby Girl is hungry!

Friday Five ~ "What's in a Name?"

If you are a regular reader of Songbird's blog, you know that "The Princess" has requested a new name. Her older brother changed his "secret identity" a while back and now this lovely young lady is searching for a new name on her mother's blog. This got me to thinking. How do we come up with all of these names? There must be at least a few good stories out there.

1. So how did you come up with your blogging name? And/or the name of your blog?
I wrote my first blog post over and over in my head and then had a friend read it before I decided to actually start to blog. It was from that post that inspired my blog's name. As for my blogging name--it seems like I'm always the "Silent" one.

2. Are there any code names or secret identities in your blog? Any stories there?
I've been intending to create pseudonyms for others on my blog, but my creativity just isn't there. So, no. Maybe eventually. For now, it's all practicality. Except I'm going to call my precious girl "Baby Girl" because when my husband calls her that in real life, the way he says it makes it sound like a name and that's how I'll hear it when I write it.

3. What are some blog titles that you just love? For their cleverness, drama, or sheer, crazy fun?
There are too many to choose! It seems like every blog I visit is so creative.

4. What three blogs are you devoted to? Other than the RevGalBlogPals blog of course!
There a few blogs that I visit daily: Jessica at What, You Too?, Songbird, More Cows. There are a number of others that I visit frequently too though.


5. Who introduced you to the world of blogging and why?
Jessica at What, You Too? is a good friend from my college and seminary years. I learned about blogging by reading hers. It was a way to keep in touch while she was living overseas. I started clicking on the links from her blog to others and was hooked on reading. Then I decided to take a brave step for me and start my own.

Bonus question: Have you ever met any of your blogging friends? Where are some of the places you've met these fun folks?
I've only met blogging friends that I knew pre-blog days, like Jess. But I'm hopeful that someday I'll meet others!

Mind-Recognition Software

There is such a thing as voice-recognition software; it's too bad there isn't such a thing as mind-recognition software--because I've written lots of posts in my head during the middle of the night nursing sessions.

Here are some titles:

Pseudonymns
Letter to my bishop
On being a mother and being a daughter
"Showered" with gifts
Leaving
Reflections on baptism

And yet--they are somehow pretty much all about my baby. I can't help it--she is my heart.

A Face I've Always Known

So, my baby is three weeks old--yesterday actually. People ask who she looks like. I look at my precious girl and she looks like her. Others have said she looks like her half-sister and half-brother. My mom said that she looks like my sister and more often that she looks like my dad. My dad died 21 years ago today when I was 9. I remember him, but yet I don't--not as much as I'd like and not as much as I used to and not enough to say. My mom will be bringing me a picture of my grandma (my dad's mom) and said that it will show me why she thinks my girl looks like my dad.

But I look at my sweet baby's face and while I will forever say that she looks like her, I look at her and can't help but feel as though I'm looking at a face I've always known.

One Week

Anyone who's read this blog at all over the past few months knows that I've managed to make every post about my baby due at the end of June. This is no exception, but this post really deserves to be about my precious baby.

One week ago today, Saturday morning at 6:30 a.m., I woke up and had to use the bathroom. I did, came back to bad, had an awful charlie horse which my husband helped me to get rid of. The next thing I knew, my water broke.

I jumped up and ran to the bathroom. I had planned to pack my hospital bag later that day--well, I franticly packed a bag after calling the doctor and waiting for a return call.

My doctor called back and told me to go to the hospital, which we did. I was admitted and we waited. We took a few walks around the birth center floor. I was monitored both for uterine contractions and baby heartbeat. Since I was just short of 36 weeks and had not yet been re-checked for Group B strep, I had to be given antibiotics as a precaution.

I was apparently having contractions, but I wasn't feeling them and they also weren't too productive. About 11 a.m., my doctor ordered pitocin basically to induce labor. Not much happened until about 4 p.m. when things really started moving. The doctor came to check on me and her first words were, "Holy Cow" ~ I was dilated 4-5 cm and really had no complaints about pain. They kept having to increase the pitocin. I was having contractions--clearly feeling them but they weren't nearly as bad as I expected. And things really started going at 5 p.m. About 6 p.m., my contractions were starting to be on top of each other and I really wanted to push but we had to wait for the doctor. She arrived around then, I guess--based on what I heard later.

After 45 minutes of pushing (which to me felt more like 15 if I would have had to guess), my beautiful baby girl was placed on my tummy at 6:58 p.m. A neonatologist had been brought in for the delivery too ~ I heard them say that he was in the room, but I had my eyes closed so didn't see him until he said that he was leaving because all looked fine. The nurse for the baby came down from the NICU just to make sure, but my precious baby was 6 lbs 1.2 oz, 18 1/2 in. long, with an APGAR score of 8-9 (out of 10). So even though she was early, she was in great shape and we could go to the regular nursery and postpartum room.

They had planned to hold a shower at church for me on Sunday, so my mom happened to be in town. We called her to come in to see her first grandbaby (biological at least--two stepgrandchildren who came into our lives at a bit older stage of life).

We came home on Monday evening. Tonight my precious girl is one week old ~ and doing great. It's been a blur; it's been amazing; it's been unbelievable. We are so blessed.

RevGalBlogPals Friday Five ~ Garage Sale

Since will smama is preparing for a joint garage sale with her parents, and Songbird's church had a Yard and Plant Sale last Saturday, we have five enormously important questions we hope you will answer:

1) Are you a garage saler?
I'm not really a garage saler--now. Growing up my family always had one or two a year. We would do them jointly with other families and I loved them! I loved sitting at the table taking money, and especially earning some of my own. I think my parents relished the chance for my sister and I to get rid of stuff, so they let us earn some money for the items we put out. (We had a fairly detailed labeling system to determine who received what profits.) My mom would often take us with her too as we went to many garage sales. I don't remember much stuff making its way home though. I guess it was cheap entertainment--and a chance for us kids to spend the few bucks we made at our own sale.

2) If so, are you an immediate buyer or a risk taker who comes back later when prices are lower?
I'm more likely to be an immediate buyer--if I even go out.

3) Seriously, if you're not a garage saler, you are probably not going to want to play this one.
(That wasn't really #3.)
3) This is the real #3: What's the best treasure you've found at a yard or garage sale?
Can't think of one--so I'll say the best treasure that we had at our yard sales was the "Free Box"--full of things like Happy Meal Toys and random junk that kids love. It keeps kids occupied and happy while parents really look at what's for sale.

4)If you've done one yourself, at church or at home, was it worth the effort?
Now that I'm an adult, I don't think it's worth the effort.

5) Can you bring yourself to haggle?
I hate haggling, so I won't do it. My husband would be likely to though! So I'd just have to bring him along.

BONUS: For the true aficionado: Please discuss the impact of Ebay, Craig's List, Freecycle, etc... on the church or home yard/garage sale.
What I like about these options as a buyer is being able to look for just what I want without having to go to 18 different places in hopes they will have it.

Still Standing?

Wow--it has only been a week and one day, but I feel like I haven't blogged in forever. Maybe because I've shoved about a month's worth of activity into this past week--or maye it was shoved into the week for me! I'm really not sure which.

Friday through Sunday I was at my synod's annual assembly. I really, really enjoy assemblies. Last year, I even served as a voting member at my churchwide assembly. At it, I reconnected with the bishop from my home synod who presided at my ordination. I don't know him all that well, but my family has known him for years. He asked about my family--particularly my mom. As we were chatting, another person came over and joined the conversation. The bishop introduced me and said, "She's a church groupie--the only bigger church groupie is her mother." This is true; I embrace it. I love, love, love, church gatherings beyond the congregational level. No big hoopla at assembly--though we did elect a new bishop. I'll miss the current one very much when he retires. So, though it was a good event, it was very tiring.

Sunday, I actually left early to attend my step-son's high school graduation. (Yes--for those reading who haven't read every blog...I'm expecting my first child in June, but my husband has two children--one newly graduated and one who is finishing up her freshman year of high school. He started really young the first time around.) The ceremony itself was fine except that the gym where it was held was about 852 degrees. Not very nice for this already puffy pregnant girl! Then came the real fun--hanging out at his open house, held at his mom's house. Thankfully we all (kids, husband, ex, step-dad, me, various in-laws) get along really, really well. It's just that after my hubby's parents left, we really didn't know any other guests, so it was pretty boring. By the end of the hour drive home though I was exhausted.

Monday was a fairly quiet day--thankfully. Because Tuesday turned into a whopper! 7:30 a.m. I left home for a third ultrasound to check something of concern by the doctor on Monday. I haven't heard back from the doctor's office, but the ultrasound tech was reassuring that there wasn't a problem. I called my husband to let him know the results of the ultrasound; he had managed to get people to cover his classes for the other two and just wasn't able to make it work this time--especially since he planned to be gone Wednesday to take my step-son to register for college. He told me that the other teachers had brought in gifts for a shower that day and that it would be cool if I could come eat lunch with him to open them. So I went in to the office for a few hours and then left for that. Teachers don't have really long lunch times, especially because hubby had recess duty, but we got some lovely and thoughtful gifts. They did a 'shower' shower--so the baby will be very clean for a long time with all the soap. Then back to the office for a few hours. Tried to keep it short since I had a meeting that evening too. So I went home and sat just briefly until hubby came home. We had to take a bike wheel in for repair, so decided to take it and with step-son go out to eat and then I'd go to my meeting. After the meeting, had a message and talked to hubby--father-in-law being airlifted from home 3 hours from us to best hospital in the area 1 hour from us with a brain bleed. So--I frantically packed a few things for overnight; he took care of getting a sub--and we headed off. Met ex to drop off step-son and went to hospital. Thankfully it wasn't quite as severe as it sounded from that. They would admit him and do surgery on Wednesday. We did drive home to sleep, getting home around 12:30 or so. That felt more like 3 days than one.

Wednesday, we went back to hospital when he was in surgery. This is the short version. The blood was actually a clot that had formed between the brain and the skull and was putting pressure on the brain. They drilled holes and sucked it out and left a drain in. He was doing fine coming out of anesthesia so we left late afternoon. We did not go back today, but have gotten word that they took the drain out so he can be up. May go home as early as tomorrow.

Thankfully no sermon to write this week, but lots to do in next weeks in preparation for baby. I'm trying very hard to only do what needs to be done. Easier said than done. But I'm still standing--or at least still functioning and trying to find time to sit and put those puffy feet up! Which is what I'm going to do now.

Ready for Baby?

I cannot believe how fast the last months have gone! I'm down to 5 1/2 weeks to my due date--which is really close. There are still a few things I need to do to get ready, some important things to buy--like diapers and a car seat. Beyond that, I think we could get by for a short time with what we already have. But I've been waiting. The folks here at my church are going to have a shower for me on June 1, so I figure on June 2, I'll go shopping for whatever I don't get and that we need.

I've heard of many women at this point who are simply tired of being pregnant. I don't feel that way. I love being pregnant (in spite of the swollen fingers rendering me unable to wear my wedding ring and in spite of the swollen feet at the end of the day). I love feeling this baby move inside me as I try to guess--was that a happy kick or scared kick? Was it even a kick? Or just a roll? Was that a finger poke? I love my maternity clothes--mostly. And I feel more attractive than I have for a long time--not sexy, but attractive. I feel like I've got this pregnancy thing down. I could stay pregnant forever. Don't get me wrong, I'm very excited to see this baby and hold it in my arms.

But the reason I'm ready now is that I am so aching for a break from work. I'm looking forward to a mini-sabbatical, in a way. I know I won't sleep...I know I'll be exhausted...I know I won't get any of the reading I want to do done...I know I won't tackle the many projects at home I'd love to do...but I won't be at work. I'll get a break from church, from this place that is slowly stealing bits of me. I'm ready for a break--now. It's like I'm looking forward to summer vacation--I just don't know when it's going to start!

Happy May Day!

Today is the day of some pretty significant anniversaries for me.

May 1, 2003 ~ The very first day of my very first call as an ordained pastor. I had been ordained in April and would be installed at my congregation on May 10th, but my first day was May 1st. For the month of May, my husband and I would be living in two different cities, with the major move of household happening mid-month so that each of us would be living with an air mattress and basic necessities about half the month. So on the morning of May 1st, I drove the two-ish hours from our home to my new town, my new church, expecting it to be a somewhat quiet day. I'd get to know the senior pastor and office manager better; I'd do some unpacking in my office; I'd just generally get my bearings. Instead, it was the "First Annual Senior Pizza Party" for members of the congregation over 60. So I got to meet 40-50 people and be fully overwhelmed!

May 1, 2008 ~ Today was the "Fifth Annual Senior Pizza Party." I knew everyone who came through the line. I helped serve pizza and ice cream and just generally had a good time. I got to watch them visit and chat and enjoy one another and chat with a few myself. I also got to visit and connect with the ladies in the kitchen, another important ministry I believe.

May 1, 1999 ~ My love surprised me with a May Day basket--set outside the door of my dorm. A basket filled in the bottom with almond hershey's kisses (gold wrapper looks somewhat like dirt) and a single rose--that was a jewelry case bearing the most beautiful diamond I had ever seen. We had talked about marriage before; I even knew he had a ring. He's not so good at secrets. I had told him that if he proposed, I would say yes. There were only a few critera. He had to pick out the ring himself and he had to suprise me with the proposal--both of which he pulled off amazingly!

May 1, 2008 ~ Today we are expecting our first child, in about two more months. We've had some ups and downs, as all couples do. He's still not so good at secrets and neither of us is so good at surprises. But I absolutely love him with all my heart and am grateful that we should be able to spend the evening together--not something that generally happens between my evening meetings and his track coaching. But before I get home to meet him tonight, I think I'll stop by the store for some almond hershey's kisses--which to me always taste like love.

Self-care

I'm trying to do better taking care of myself. In fact, I can feel that I'm doing better--at least some moments.

Yesterday afternoon, I went home for a while in the afternoon. It was a day and amount of time that I wouldn't have in the past. I laid down for a couple hours and ended up taking a nap for at least some of that time. It was glorious!

Today, I worked getting things accomplished all day and have just hit a wall. Unfortunately, there is no time to get a nap in now. I don't live far away from work, but far enough away that only having 45 minutes isn't enough time.

Thankfully tonight, though it still will be a few more hours, the plan is that I'm not in charge of anything really--just present. That I think I'll be able to handle. And I will sleep well tonight!

I got a lot accomplished today, so tomorrow won't be so bad and I'm taking Friday off!! I have plenty to do at home as guests are coming Saturday and my home is not currently guest ready, but that uses such different mental energy that it will be fine.

Wow--this is a very boring post, but I really wanted to write something. And I was hoping to get through this wall!

Looking Inside, Part Two

Pregnancy has helped me take some time to take some stock of my inner workings and I've realized some very important things. Though I guess I knew it on some level, I didn't let myself admit it until just recently. I've really been hanging on to my emotional health and well-being by a thread. I've been beyond high stress to potential burn-out and just barely staying sane and barely avoiding falling headlong into depression. And I've been hiding it well--because that's what I do. And in so doing, in hiding my feelings, in trying to function, I have a tendency to put others first without taking time to truly care for myself in the process.

As I face the remaining few months of my pregnancy, I've become even more aware of this. And I realize that when this baby is born, my baby will truly come first--even more so than I am now. And so, I'm making sure to take care of myself these months. And sometimes, that will cause me to do things that I maybe haven't done before. I might seem selfish or uncaring and I might hurt other's feelings. I might not be the colleague that is wanted, or expected, or maybe even the colleague I'd be if I was at my best. And I'm sorry if that stings or hurts feelings.

But I have to grasp hold of that thread and hang on and try to regain some emotional health. I'm scared that I will fall into post-partum depression and I've told my husband that, so he'll be on particular watch for that. And I also believe that the healthier I am prior to this baby's birth, the less likely that is to happen. So I've got to do this, to do what I need to manage my emotional health, even if it means someone's feelings will be hurt.


Now...if only I have the nerve to say this to the person who really needs to hear it, but probably won't hear it even if I say it.

Looking Inside

The title came--but that's about the only words right now.

I feel like I have so little to give...I am trying so hard to keep being who I've been for so long and I just can't do it. I'm trying to create some space, some framework, some sanity.

I am so grateful that my pregnancy has physically been so easy. If I had to deal with physical stuff too, I think I'd explode. Is there such a thing as pre-partum depression? Maybe that's just good old regular depression...and I've gotten really good at pushing through, trying to hide it, trying to keep giving to everyone and I can't do it.

I can barely get through 'tasks;' I don't have time for relationships too--especially one that took so much work before too.

Okay--I'm getting nowhere now except tears and I don't have time for them right now. It's Wednesday after all--confirmation lesson to set up teach, youth evening to pysch up for, in addition to the to-do list that's a mile long here, let alone the personal one.

I don't want solutions or attemps to fix...but if you read, I'd appreciate knowing I'm not alone.

I've got to make some time to look inside.