Wednesdays

I hate Wednesdays. One of my least favorite things about Wednesdays is teaching confirmation. In my last setting, I had 48 7th and 8th graders. I now have 10 6th, 7th, and 8th graders. Both have pros and cons. Overall, I think this 10 would be preferred.

But...Wednesdays are horrible on our family. Hubby was recruited for choir--they need more than one bass; he makes two. When choir decided on a meeting time, the selected Wednesday evening at the same time as confirmation. Which we all knew meant Baby Girl would be along and that hubby would have to be the one to care for her during that time if need be. This was okay for a week or two.

Then, a couple things happened. One--other parents have been having to bring their kids. Baby Girl wants so much to play with them, but they are old enough to be self-sufficient, but not old enough to play with her unsupervised. This is a challenge.

Two--Hubby decided to join/support fledgeling attempt at a praise group, which is meeting the hour right before choir. Which means we are all at church even longer.

Yesterday was particularly bad. I don't think Baby Girl napped at daycare--normally, 'grandma' tells me, but didn't say anything in particular. However, she fell asleep in her carseat on the way home. I let her sleep for an hour, which mean we drove to church before she woke up. This (and refusing to eat most of her supper) made her a particularly unhappy camper.

And our building is small enough that she can almost always see or hear me and has been in "mommy mode" a lot recently. A number of factors conspired last night and hubby finally took her home early leaving choir. This is not working--for her, or me. It also means a late bedtime and a fight to do so. The bedtime time itself wouldn't be so horrible if she had time to decompress herself at home before heading to bed. It makes Wednesdays even more stressful--and confirmation, when I'm distracted by her screaming or them having to walk through to where the potty is.

The problem is that pretty much everyone we know in this town that we'd trust to watch her during this time is busy at church on Wednesday evenings. I dont' know what we are going to do. But we can't keep this up--it's just not working.

Garage

Having a garage isn't something I thought I took for granted--but I realized that I have. For the last two nights, I parked my car in our garage! A novel concept--it only took 3 months to get one of our cars in our new garage. Our last house had a HUGE two car garage (extra long and extra wide) and an additional shed that was essentially a small one car garage. The only downside was that the garage was detached. That was a pain, especially when carrying a baby (and often other things) and trying to not let the screen door blow away and get the door unlocked and get in the house. An attached garage was on my must-have list for this house.

Which it is, but it is a TINY two car garage. We have 3 vehicles, a number of bikes, strollers, workbenches, and general garage stuff. One vehicle seriously will never go in the garage because it doesn't fit--with the garage empty. We lovingly call this hand-me-down vehicle "the land yacht." Thank goodness this is the one with a functioning remote start--we are coming up on winter after all. Nights have already been frosty.

We did get one estimate to add a garage stall. Way more than we expected! We will get another estimate, but yikes. It was almost double what we thought--and what we thought would have been a stretch. We do have a tiny shed too, but still--I'm not sure we'll ever get two vehicles in a garage at this house.

At least I get the garage and don't have to scrape windows! I'm grateful for that.

I Hate/Love Fall

I hate fall. I hate the days getting shorter and the darkness descending earlier and earlier each day. I hate "fall back" with a toddler because I'm sure it won't mean an extra hour of sleep. I hate the weather not deciding if it's warm or cold. I hate it being chilly outside and then too warm inside, but not warm enough to open windows. I hate the cold, frosty mornings. I hate the wind. I hate knowing winter and snow will be here soon.

But I do love the colors of the leaves and the way the sun shines on them. I love when it is warm. I love seeing Baby Girl's face as we play in the leaves and throw them in the air.

I guess my hate list is longer, but I want to make sure to notice that there are always things to love!

NoBloPoMo -- is that right?

November Blog Posting Month? Something like that--it's been while since I've seen someone do the official thing--posting every day for the month of November. But it's a challenge I am going to take on. We'll see about success. And to up the likelihood of success, today's post will only be this. I'll save my other ideas for the next few days!

Doing it All

I can't do everything. I know that. I've always known it, I guess. But I'm getting better at realizing it.

However, how do I manage to waste so much time at work? Why am I not getting work done when I'm in my office? It's 10:30 a.m. and I've accomplished nothing in the nearly 2 hours I've been here! In order to be better able to get done at home what needs to be done on Friday and Saturday, today I must accomplish the following: a few items for tonight's board meeting, a sermon for Sunday, Sunday School prep (which is started). That's not much, but it's a lot. I have a seed of an idea for my sermon and that's all for that so far.

I have a meeting to go to at 3, home quick for supper, and back for meeting at 5:30. Must have this done by 3. So now it's to work!

Except--wow, this was boring! No one even commented on my last post which was funny--why am I even bothering?

Green Hair and Blue Hamsters

Episode 1:

Baby Girl wakes up in the morning and calls out to me. I go in to get her out of her crib where she is standing with her arms outstretched.

Me: Good morning sweetheart!
BG: Mommy have green hair.
Me: What? Green hair?
BG: Mommy, you have green hair.
Me: I have green hair? No.
BG: You have green hair last night. Mommy have green hair. BG have green hair and we slide down it.
Me: I had green hair last night and you had green hair and we slid down it.
BG: Yes.
Me: Silly goose!

My best guess is a dream.


Episode 2:

Baby Girl is sitting on my lap playing with something and it sounds like she says 'hamster.'

Me: Hamster? Did you say hamster?
BG: Yes.
Me: Did you see a hamster at 'Grandma's' (daycare)?
BG: Yes, Kaylee has one.
Me: Did you touch it?
BG: Yes.
Me: Was it soft?
BG: Yes.
Me: Was it this big? (make hands into size of baseball)
BG: No.
Me: What it this big? (make hands smaller size)
BG: No.
Me: How big was it?
BG: This big! (smiling and putting her hands together over her head)
Me: Really? What color was it? (still thinking it's possible that Kaylee brought a hamster to daycare)
BG: Blue!
Me: A blue hamster?
BG: Yes! (smiling)

Conversation replayed by us for daddy later. Hamster still big and blue. Daddy and I kept talking and said something to the effect of 'was the hamster in your imagination?' to which we got silence and a smile. I think she knew she was making this up and didn't want to admit it!

Hmm...that's a new one

So, a couple from the Kingdom Hall/Jehovah's Witnesses just left my office. They came by to offer me their publications and indicated they'd love to bring some by each month. They said that many people appreciate them and many clergy also like them. Hmm...

My best friend in elementary school was a Jehovah's Witness, so I kind of have a soft spot. I took the brochures. I won't be sharing them--nor will I get multiple copies next month.

I've got to admire their convictions--confessing their beliefs no matter what, but really--to a church? They weren't pushy, were friendly, and clearly not out for a fight.

But that is certainly a new one for me!

Rock, Rock, Zzzzz

Lately, as in the last couple weeks, Baby Girl has had a renewed interest in being rocked to sleep. This doesn't exactly coincide with being in our new home--the first two weeks here, she didn't want to be rocked. I have mixed feelings about it--but mostly enjoyment! I love to snuggle her, to feel her body against mine, to hold her until she gently drifts to sleep playing with her hair or mine. It's so relaxing--and I'm trying to only focus on her as I rock, to not think about the to-do list or what I should be doing that is 'more productive.' Oh sure, I sometimes think about sermon ideas or things I need to do, but it's still relaxing for me.

Which is precisely the problem. I rock her to sleep and then have no desire to do anything else. And 8:30 is just to early to go to bed--because it won't matter if I have 10 hours of sleep. I still don't like to see 6:30 a.m. And those boxes will not unpack themselves. But I'll get over it. I know these days of rocking are numbered. I'll take each and every one I can, her Baby Girl self snuggled into me as she goes to sleep and a depth of love that I can't put into words.

Balance and Guilt

So as I'm settling into my new call, my new home, my new life...I'm trying to find a new balance. A new balance in which guilt about not being good enough at anything seems to lurk just below the surface. And so, this afternoon, for this hour I'm sitting on my couch--home alone. I need to clean and organize and file at home; I need to write a sermon--ideally by 4 p.m. today so that it doesn't bleed into family time. But I need this too--just sitting in my home watching design tv. So I am--even though I could be wasting time in my office pretending to work. I'm trying not to feel guilty. I will go back to work soon and will really work. And my sermon will be done by Sunday morning--well Saturday evening this week as I'm preaching at a service then. I will spend the time I need to with my family. And stuff at home will get done when it gets done. I'll keep learning this balance. One design show at a time. Ha!

Me, Me, Me

Every so often, I go through this phase where I read lovely blog posts and want to comment, but change my mind because I seem to just be about me. I want to say something because I want others to know I'm reading and that I care, but I can't figure out what to say. Except something about me that is sparked by what I read. And so I say nothing.
And at the same time, I feel bad that I don't get many comments on this blog. And I have to re-evaluate yet again why I want a blog. I wanted a place to write, yes. But I think it's because I so deeply crave connection that I just can't seem to find. I'm trying here in my new place--to be less worried about what I say or who I am. But it's hard to make friends--who wants to be friends with their pastor? And I don't know that I want to initiate friendships--as in, invite certain people over for dinner and not others. Sigh.
But that doesn't seem to matter when I think of one connection this morning. Baby Girl wiped out on our new tile floor--barefoot, I'm not quite sure how she managed to slip where she did, but she cried harder than usual. No blood, no immediately obvious place of pain. And she let me pick her up and snuggle with her. Normally a owie involves a bit of a cry, a 'do you need a kiss?', 'yes,' a kiss, and then she's done and ready to go. Today she snuggled and even though she stopped crying, she just wanted to snuggle and nothing else. It was probably ten minutes--that's a long time for her these days. (Unless we are snuggling watching tv) It was so nice--an especially good thing for mommy as I prepared to take her to her new daycare for the first day today. That is, I guess, another post for another day.

BIGGEST Frustration in Moving

So, it's now official. The biggest frustration in moving EVER. My husband. You'd think I'd expect things to go this way--we've been married 9 years (next Wed. in fact) and been together about 13 years. I should know better than to trust anything he says about what he will get accomplished. And he comes by it genetically--so when I put my new house in the hands of him and his parents while I try to do my job (wedding rehearsal)--I should expect that virtually nothing that they say will get done will. My mom is here so she has had Baby Girl in her care and done TONS of packing. So that's been good--mostly. But Baby Girl is in the throes of terrible twos, she's certainly confused by all this, she fought sleep for over an hour tonight which is very unusual. My husband's words were "I will stay in the new house until all the painting is done so that we are ready to move Saturday when we have help." So...today, immediately after closing, we picked the colors--2 whole rooms, and 1/2 of another. I helped with that and unloading the bit we had in my car and headed back to old home so I could do wedding rehearsal. So at 9 p.m., 1 room painted--and they are done for the night, but no worries--we'll paint it after we move the stuff. We had decided that we needed the rooms painted before we moved the stuff in! Oh--and he had planned to come to old home tonight, but now isn't. I am so frustrated. I don't know if any of this makes sense. And I guess it doesn't matter if it makes sense--because it doesn't matter what I think either--at least not about this.

Thinking

This morning on my way into the office, I dropped Baby Girl off at daycare and then stopped in at my old church to give them our new address and just chat with secretary and senior pastor. It was nice. A bit weird, but nice too. As I was telling them about everything, senior pastor said something to the effect of "well it seems like you have 9 of the top 10 stressors." While I'm not sure I'd go that far, it's true too. Lots of good stresses right now--related to buying and selling homes. It's challenging. Then add family dynamics, a toddler, 40 minute commutes, church dynamics, hot and humid weather--it's no wonder I have a screaming headache that drugs haven't yet touched.



And this is robbing me of my sermon mo-jo. I have to write a wedding sermon for this weekend. Think I'm going to use most of an old one--just need to update it a bit. But I think the bulk of it will work. Goal is to get that done before leaving here tonight.



And then the weekend sermon. I have an old one that looked okay--before I went to text study. Now, not so much. But do I have anything better? No. Goal is to do that tomorrow morning. Plan to take tomorrow afternoon off--moving related needs. Thursday afternoon and evening are full. I do have Thursday morning, but...



I want so much to be a good preacher. In this place that is struggling, they need positive encouragement and also a kick in the butt. And worship is the place I have right now. We will be living here soon so I can have a better shot at other venues, but for now--this is it. The last line of the lectionary text is "how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!" Okay, God, some Holy Spirit sermon writing mo-jo would be good about now!



I feel like I can barely manage a coherent thought--trying to work seems so pointless. But this has to be done. And I hate it--I hate that we are trying to move at what feels like the busiest time. Perhaps there wouldn't be a better one. But there are so many phone calls and strangers and different people, my extraverted side is getting a workout and it's draining the introvert! And my husband's goals of getting fully moved in one day is killing the J in me. I want to start organized and not rushed. But that's doubtful. I never felt like we got fully situated in our last home 7 years ago--and certainly not after the total rearrangement with the birth of our girl 2 years ago. I do not want to start that way again. It drains me.



Just some thinking 'out-loud.' Hoping it gets the creative juices going.

Schedule

Today ~ see new home to do some measuring, meet couple about wedding this weekend

Tuesday ~ work--including evening meeting, hubby comes home

Wednesday ~ work, pack in the evening

Thursday ~ work, including evening meeting

Friday ~ CLOSE ON NEW HOME, wedding rehearsal ~ begin to survive presence of mom and in-laws and their desires to help (which will be helpful but also stressful)

Saturday ~ wedding

Sunday ~ worship, begin VBS week in the evening

Wednesday ~ allow radon mitigation installer into old home

Wednesday/Thursday (we hope) ~ close on old home

Doesn't look like much--until you consider the packing, the physical moving, the homes 40 miles apart, all the legal papers that need to get taken care of, the utilities that need to be addressed, the toddler and who watches her when, the finding of childcare in new community, the mom leaving Tuesday next week for a trip to see my sister, oh and the usual work of each week

All will be well. But good stress is still stress. So begins the marathon of the next few works. Sermons may be reworked from previous events.

Updates

On the housing front:

We are progressing toward buying a home in our new community. The building inspector okayed it yesterday. We have to have our loan finalized by July 30. Closing to be end of August or before. Sale not contingent on sale of our home--in-laws will serve as our 'bridge loan' if need be.

One contingent offer on our home in old community. (They have an accepted offer on their home-contingent on the sale of another home). Possible other offer--hubby talking to that couple today. They made an offer, but we need another $4000 to make it comparable/doable. If they agree to our counter offer, those with the contingent offer have 72 hours to either back out or come up with the money to make it a non-contingent sale.

ETA: They did make the counter offer essentially, $3000 which we can make work. We'll draw up paperwork tonight, sign tomorrow. So, either the 72 hours will happen or that will. Unless the additional folks coming tonight make a better offer before we sign the papers--oh, that'd still give the contingent folks their 72 hours. I've called the bank to set up loan stuff; Hubby called our realtor to let her know that we want to get things going. Hubby thinks--oh, we can move the last week in July. Can we say VBS? I didn't tell him that; wouldn't matter if I did. I guess I'm like Martha in Sunday's text--worried and distracted by many things. I need to be a bit more like Mary today. Think that'll make it into the sermon--it just might. Except I'm concerned all people will hear is, "Pastor Silent is moving to our town" not anything else.

On the job front:

Hubby has a job interview for a much better job! About 15-20 minutes from our new community. That's in the morning. We thought he was a long shot for the interview, so this is promising. I so hope for him that he moves forward, though he seems not too confident. I wish I had more time with him tonight to help him prepare. I have meetings all evening.

Me--I'm doing okay. Wanted to have my sermon for this weekend done already; I know, it's only Tuesday, but I didn't preach last weekend, so I was hoping. I'm struggling with how to teach 100+ people (mostly adults) how to communicate and how to plan. No surprises, just not sure how to proceed.

On the home front:

Hubby is also working his summer job an hour away from home (not in the direction of the new community--the other way) where he lives in a hotel and is gone all the time. Except he's had to come home alot for housing things. So...my mom is here. Still taking Baby Girl to daycare so as not to mess up her routine too much but mom is here to get her when I have evenings. It's mostly good; but it's going to be a long couple weeks.

Anonymity

I blog anonymously; it is my choice, my way of being my shy introvert self in this big internet world. It's my way of being private; a way to make it 'safer' for me to share deepest thoughts and feelings. Anyone who knows me in real life would have no trouble identifying me if they came across this blog. And I don't think I've said anything that would be deadly or career-threatening if found by a member of a congregation. I've said things I wouldn't necessarily want to be told--like when I was in the call process, etc. BUT I'm not blogging for anyone else but me. I'm not trying to start a conversation about what is wrong with a certain group and how it can improve.

I recently received a letter with the first entry of a blog and a blog address that does such a thing. Part of me really wanted to just trash the letter and go no further, but I decided to read the blog. And I find what irks me is that the poster's identity is 'Facilitator'--based on what 'Facilitator' writes, the higher ups in the organization that s/he says s/he has spoken with would know who it is. But the rest of us don't. Oh--and the kicker is that the stated goal relates to transparency. Um...is it just me or wouldn't somehow including your identity go a long way towards transparency?

Now I'm torn--part of me wants to comment (with my real name) on the blog and call him/her on that. But at the same time, I don't want to give the blog credibility. So...any suggestions?

House Hunting

So today, hubby and I spent 3 hours looking at houses. We visited 10 homes--only saw 9. One we showed up and the people were there and told the realtor they had canceled. Oops. But we narrowed it down to 4; one we really, really like and the others with potential. The one that was my dream home months ago--well, it had serious water damage this spring. The realtor said there was no way she'd recommend buying it. With that, we can agree--it had a really nice main floor layout though. We didn't even look at more of the home, but since were spending the day looking I wanted to see inside.

Our house is now listed on our local for-sale-by-owner site. Two realtors have made contact with us about bringing their clients in to see it. That is awesome! (It just went up 2 days ago.) Using the MLS on our local realty site, there are virtually no other homes in the price range we are priced at now. (There are serious like 5 within a span of $50,000 and most of those are more 'in-town' while we are almost in the country.) We are hopeful. If we don't sell in 30 days (or sooner if we decide we need to move on our really, really like home), we will list with a realtor. That way it'll be better for us if we want to make an offer on a new home contigent on the sale of our current home. I am choosing not to worry until after we get home from our conference/vacation/time away this coming week. When we get home, we'll go from here.

If Baby Girl's sign about 'her room' was really a sign that that is our home (and it is still the one we really, really like), it'll still be on the market next week. If not, we'll go from there. I'm just glad it feel like progress.

Now--for at least one sermon. I meant to write last night, but I've been fighting a cold or something. I got into bed at 8:30 last night, just after Baby Girl. I was out by 9 and slept almost straight through until 6 when Baby Girl woke us up. I feel much better today; will feel even better when Sunday's sermon is done!

Crazy Busy

Life is crazy busy!!

We celebrated Baby Girl's second birthday on Memorial Day! She's such a big girl--Baby Girl doesn't so much fit any more. But it still does too--she's my precious angel, even as she asserts that she is indeed two and has the tantrums to prove it! Really, though, she's pretty laid back and not as 'terrible' as many other two year olds I've known. I cannot believe it's two years. She is still my heart. Next week, my hubby and I are headed south for a conference for me and an extra day just for us. We will be leaving her with her grandparents from Sunday morning until Thursday evening. That will be the longest I've ever been away from her--and the longest we've both been away from her at the same time. We have only both been away from her at the same time for one 24 hour stretch. I think it will be very hard on me. But I'm looking forward to the conference and time just with hubby!

This week, we have appointments for loan preapprovals and house hunts. We are listing our house on a 'for sale by owner' site--it should be up this afternoon. It's taking a bunch of my work week do do these meetings, but I'm ready to get this going! Pray for the house to sell quickly and for our house hunting... We went to an open house on Saturday and got the sign that it was time to move forward. We went to the upstairs of this house; Baby Girl went into the smallest bedroom (the one with pinkish walls), spun in circles and said, 'Baby Girl's room.' She loved the room next to it too (that one had a kid's table and chair set in it). So, while me might not end up in that house--it seemed like as good a sign as any to get us on the move. Or rather, a good sing for my hubby--I've been ready for some time!

Church is good--I'm loving the people and the place. Frustrations about some things, but things I anticipated to be frustrated about. So much could be written, but I need to write a sermon for this week (and hopefully start next week's so I don't have to do that away). I was hoping posting would get the writing juices flowing.

Is it cheating

if, during my 3rd sermon/4th Sunday at New Church, I use this (almost 4 minute) video as half of my sermon when it fits my setting so amazingly well?

Radio Messages

There are some who would say that a certain song being played on the radio is a sign from God. I am not one of them. I don't believe that God will cause a dj to pick a certain song to play just because I need to hear it. I do, however, think that God can stir my heart so that I pay particular attention to a certain song.

This morning on my long drive to New Church, a song that I've come to love came on the radio. Some of the words are "I don’t wanna go through the motions I don’t wanna go one more day Without Your all consuming passion inside of me I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking What if I had given everything? Instead of going through the motions." This song had become somewhat of a mantra the last year (years?) at First Church. I felt like I was just shuffling along, doing what needed to be done, but it was mostly about going through the motions and I wanted to be giving and doing more, but not there. This morning, the song came on and I turned up the radio and all of a sudden it was quiet.

Hmm, I thought. And I turned the radio off and back on and then just decided to wait. I found out later that the tower had been struck by lightning which caused them to go off the air for a few minutes. And I really don't think God had lightning strike that tower just so I'd hear certain songs. But the words that came on mid-song when service resumed, "this is where the healing begins, this is where the healing begins."

I wasn't wounded, but I was disheartened. I was tired and 'going through the motions.' Now, I'm further along a path. I'm in a new place; I'm excited and looking forward. Thanks God--for this new place and for the songs.

Day One

Today's my first day at my new church. I drove down this morning for a women's group--5 ladies and me. It was a much smaller day than my first day at First Church, but a good one. And someone/they had cleaned out my office. Yes, there is still a bookshelf full of things--many of which I'm not sure I want/need or even that they want/need. But it's tidy and clearly an effort was put into it and that means a lot! Small children even made 'welcome pastor' signs. It feels really nice. I will be installed tomorrow during worship and potluck welcome will follow. Then will begin the sharp learning curve!!

On the way home, I drove past First Church and my name was still on the sign. As long as we live here, I'm debating just watching to see when it comes down. (As opposed to emailing and saying--hey, my name's on the sign).

The rest of today is lots of work at home, hopefully going to get a haircut and getting ready for tomorrow and a new week. And a new schedule--Baby Girl will go to daycare 4 days a week--at least for now. I'm going to take Fridays off--because I finally can. Lots of driving will happen in the forseeable future. I need to get some books I think.

It's new and exciting--like many May 1sts have been for me. It's scary too, but in a good way. I just need to stay focused and grounded and not allow more worries than necessary to creep in. It'll be okay; it'll be good. As my CPE supervisor made me say to myself so often that I made a sign of it for my desk, "I am more competent than I think and more capable than I realize." Darn him for being right!

That and deep breaths and prayers and excited hugs and cuddles from Baby Girl when I get home will see me through.