3 towns
3 houses
6 vehicles
8 jobs
2 Master's Degrees
2 babies
10 years!
The numbers don't contain the stories--in fact, I had to really think about some of them. But they point to something--our life together as it changes and as it stays the same. Sometimes it feels like forever and other times just like yesterday that we celebrated and headed out for our corn field honeymoon! Happy Anniversary Hubby!
(Visits to the specialist for Precious will come next time I post!)
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Tuesday, July 05, 2011
Answers
If you haven't read the last three or four posts--you might want to. It'll help explain a lot!
May 31 ~ Baby Girl's third birthday. Precious and I head to her doctor's appointment. The nurse who weighed her last week (and had me change the diaper) weighed her in. 6 lbs 14 oz. She asked what she weighed last week--6 lbs 14 oz to 7 lbs--depends on which weigh-in. Tears began to stream down my cheeks as I carried Precious to the exam room and waited for the doctor. We were trying so hard--how could she not be gaining weight?
The doctor came in and asked all the usual questions, washed her hands, and stuck her finger in Precious' mouth once again. Weak suck--we know. The doctor said, "I'm going to have to make her mad and get her mouth open really wide." And she did--and therein lied the answer.
A cleft palate--the soft palate in the back. Precious physically cannot make the suction she needs to effectively nurse (or even do well with the slow-flow nipples I have which Baby Girl used because that's what breastfed babies should use because they are most like breastfeeding). The doctor looked at me and I was crying--but relieved. She hugged me and apologized (numerous times) for not catching it sooner. Apparently it's really hard to see that far back unless the baby is really mad and she hates to make them mad--and also because the tongue takes up so much of the baby's mouth. The doctor felt so badly that it had been so hard on me and that it had been hard on Precious too. Precious had spent the first month of her life working so hard for every calorie she took in--she spent most of them trying to get the food in.
The doctor referred us to a specialist at nearby university hospital, one of the best in the region. That visit comes later. But now is the beginning of answers. Until we can get to the specialist, the plan is to nurse as we have been and then follow each feeding with an ounce of formula--in a new bottle--anything that Precious doesn't have to work so hard for. The doctor said 'get a bigger nipple.' Do you know how many options there are? I went to the store and looked bewildered in the bottle aisle. And randomly picked one because I had a sample of the bottle it fit at home, a sample I had gotten with Baby Girl and never used. As good a reason as any. The salesperson who tried to help me looked from me to Precious and said, "Are you sure the doctor really means for you to get a fast-flow nipple?" Yes--in fact she does; we don't want her to have to work so hard to eat.
We could look back and say, we should have known--I remember commenting that Precious doesn't have a uvula (that little hangy down thing in your throat). But I didn't say anthing--I thought maybe babies didn't have them at first. Well--that opening that I thought was missing the uvula and was the throat--that is Precious' palate--the uvula is split and that's where the cleft is. Her throat is farther back. But we aren't saying that--because there are too many blessings.
Blessing--I have LOTS of milk--supply is not an issue.
Blessing--I have an easy and quick let-down. Precious starts to cry and there is milk for her; she didn't have to suck and suck to get milk coming (though it was still hard).
Blessing--my mom lives in my town now and could be with Baby Girl when I spent hours and hours nursing Precious.
Blessing--we did have lots of nursing bonding time, even though that is now dwindling.
Blessing--this is not life-threatening (for me/us here and now--it could be in other places and certainly in past times)
Blessing--an excellent university hosptial only an hour away with specialists who deal with this all the time
Blessing--Precious is one tough girl; she's a fighter in a good way.
Blessing--a specialist that I really like upon first visit (for another post)
Blessing--answers.
May 31 ~ Baby Girl's third birthday. Precious and I head to her doctor's appointment. The nurse who weighed her last week (and had me change the diaper) weighed her in. 6 lbs 14 oz. She asked what she weighed last week--6 lbs 14 oz to 7 lbs--depends on which weigh-in. Tears began to stream down my cheeks as I carried Precious to the exam room and waited for the doctor. We were trying so hard--how could she not be gaining weight?
The doctor came in and asked all the usual questions, washed her hands, and stuck her finger in Precious' mouth once again. Weak suck--we know. The doctor said, "I'm going to have to make her mad and get her mouth open really wide." And she did--and therein lied the answer.
A cleft palate--the soft palate in the back. Precious physically cannot make the suction she needs to effectively nurse (or even do well with the slow-flow nipples I have which Baby Girl used because that's what breastfed babies should use because they are most like breastfeeding). The doctor looked at me and I was crying--but relieved. She hugged me and apologized (numerous times) for not catching it sooner. Apparently it's really hard to see that far back unless the baby is really mad and she hates to make them mad--and also because the tongue takes up so much of the baby's mouth. The doctor felt so badly that it had been so hard on me and that it had been hard on Precious too. Precious had spent the first month of her life working so hard for every calorie she took in--she spent most of them trying to get the food in.
The doctor referred us to a specialist at nearby university hospital, one of the best in the region. That visit comes later. But now is the beginning of answers. Until we can get to the specialist, the plan is to nurse as we have been and then follow each feeding with an ounce of formula--in a new bottle--anything that Precious doesn't have to work so hard for. The doctor said 'get a bigger nipple.' Do you know how many options there are? I went to the store and looked bewildered in the bottle aisle. And randomly picked one because I had a sample of the bottle it fit at home, a sample I had gotten with Baby Girl and never used. As good a reason as any. The salesperson who tried to help me looked from me to Precious and said, "Are you sure the doctor really means for you to get a fast-flow nipple?" Yes--in fact she does; we don't want her to have to work so hard to eat.
We could look back and say, we should have known--I remember commenting that Precious doesn't have a uvula (that little hangy down thing in your throat). But I didn't say anthing--I thought maybe babies didn't have them at first. Well--that opening that I thought was missing the uvula and was the throat--that is Precious' palate--the uvula is split and that's where the cleft is. Her throat is farther back. But we aren't saying that--because there are too many blessings.
Blessing--I have LOTS of milk--supply is not an issue.
Blessing--I have an easy and quick let-down. Precious starts to cry and there is milk for her; she didn't have to suck and suck to get milk coming (though it was still hard).
Blessing--my mom lives in my town now and could be with Baby Girl when I spent hours and hours nursing Precious.
Blessing--we did have lots of nursing bonding time, even though that is now dwindling.
Blessing--this is not life-threatening (for me/us here and now--it could be in other places and certainly in past times)
Blessing--an excellent university hosptial only an hour away with specialists who deal with this all the time
Blessing--Precious is one tough girl; she's a fighter in a good way.
Blessing--a specialist that I really like upon first visit (for another post)
Blessing--answers.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Short Update
The week was better. Precious was still mellow, but waking up on her own every 3-4 hours to eat. She'd nurse 40 minutes to an hour sometimes; we had gone back to using the nipple shield all the time because it seemed to help. She still 'clucked' but it didn't seem as bad. She looked like she was filling out, growing more hair, and getting longer. She was definitely awake more, more alert when she was awake, and peeing and pooping appropriately.
At the doctor's appointment--7 lbs. No gain--no loss, but no gain. She was hungry so I nursed her and the doctor wanted to weigh her after that again. But she wet her diaper and the nurse had me change it--I tried to argue with her, but wasn't adamant enough. After eating (and the diaper change), her weight was 6 lbs 14 oz. The doctor said, "that can't be right..." And told the nurse we should have left the diaper on wet. The nurse did say I tried to tell her that.
The plan--come back next week. In the meantime, continue the 3 oz of supplementing. Pump after each feeding to empty my breasts and keep up supply.
It was still really tough--I shed plenty of tears. And tried not to feel like a bad mommy.
The next week, we had answers--that's for another post.
At the doctor's appointment--7 lbs. No gain--no loss, but no gain. She was hungry so I nursed her and the doctor wanted to weigh her after that again. But she wet her diaper and the nurse had me change it--I tried to argue with her, but wasn't adamant enough. After eating (and the diaper change), her weight was 6 lbs 14 oz. The doctor said, "that can't be right..." And told the nurse we should have left the diaper on wet. The nurse did say I tried to tell her that.
The plan--come back next week. In the meantime, continue the 3 oz of supplementing. Pump after each feeding to empty my breasts and keep up supply.
It was still really tough--I shed plenty of tears. And tried not to feel like a bad mommy.
The next week, we had answers--that's for another post.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Kick Me While I'm Down
The weekend was mellow--too mellow. Precious slept a lot--way too much. We'd try to wake her up to eat. Seriously, we'd try everything--getting her naked, holding her, laying her down, trying to force her mouth open on my breast, using a bottle and squeezing milk into it. Eventually she'd wake up, but sometimes after 6 hours, at least 2 of which was spent trying to get her up. I knew she wasn't eating enough, but she wasn't complaining about it. And we certainly tried.
My mom kept saying, "Maybe she'll just be a bottle baby." Not helpful. I don't know if she was trying to make herself feel better or me. I know that she was disappointed that due to her health issues wasn't able to nurse my sister or me. I wasn't ready to hear that--it hurt too much. I love to nurse my babies...love, love, love it. I know it's not for everyone--and I'm not anti-formula. But I'm good at breastfeeding. Baby Girl was weaned at 15 months; early on in this pregnancy, when I was still not thrilled about being pregnant, my thoughts were that at least I'd be able to nurse again. I had even decided that I'd try to nurse even longer, not be so quick to wean. (Because Baby Girl's weaning was on my timetable, not hers--though she didn't object at all.) I wanted a breastfed baby; I wanted it for Precious AND for me. I admit it; I wanted it for me. I didn't mind not sharing feeding time with anyone else. That was my special thing--the thing only Mommy can do.
Monday at the doctor, Precious weighed....7 lbs. No weight gain at all, none. Now I realize the doctor hid her worry well, but said she wanted another blood test to check thyroid levels and for signs of infection. In the meantime, though, she said continue supplementing with the formula as we had been.
But then she gives me the paperwork to take to the lab which orders the blood test. Diagnosis -- failure to thrive. I just about lost it. Way to make an already weepy, hormonal, worried, upset post-partum mommy feel like shit. No, no, no...failure to thrive, that's what happens to babies in orphanages in third world countries who have no one to love them or babies in traumatic situations like following earthquakes where everyone has so little. My precious girl has more than enough love shown to her, she's loved and cuddled and snuggled and loved some more. There's plenty of milk (and formula too) here for the taking. There's enough. She needs to thrive--I'm not a bad mama; I'm doing my best--but it's not good enough. If it was, she'd be gaining weight. And I do intellectually know that 'failure to thrive' is a medical diagnosis, not about me--and I know my doctor cares because she didn't SAY those words to me. But it's tough, watching your baby scream as they draw a vial of blood from her heel. And then even better, since this was the same lab where they had last drawn to check bilirubin levels, they did that test not the correct one. We were on the way home when they called me to say they realized it. Thankfully I had made a stop, so we were still in the same town. So they had to draw blood again--3 vials full from her itty-bitty heel.
Test results--no sign of infection, no thyroid problems. Keep up the supplementing. Come back in a week.
To be continued...
My mom kept saying, "Maybe she'll just be a bottle baby." Not helpful. I don't know if she was trying to make herself feel better or me. I know that she was disappointed that due to her health issues wasn't able to nurse my sister or me. I wasn't ready to hear that--it hurt too much. I love to nurse my babies...love, love, love it. I know it's not for everyone--and I'm not anti-formula. But I'm good at breastfeeding. Baby Girl was weaned at 15 months; early on in this pregnancy, when I was still not thrilled about being pregnant, my thoughts were that at least I'd be able to nurse again. I had even decided that I'd try to nurse even longer, not be so quick to wean. (Because Baby Girl's weaning was on my timetable, not hers--though she didn't object at all.) I wanted a breastfed baby; I wanted it for Precious AND for me. I admit it; I wanted it for me. I didn't mind not sharing feeding time with anyone else. That was my special thing--the thing only Mommy can do.
Monday at the doctor, Precious weighed....7 lbs. No weight gain at all, none. Now I realize the doctor hid her worry well, but said she wanted another blood test to check thyroid levels and for signs of infection. In the meantime, though, she said continue supplementing with the formula as we had been.
But then she gives me the paperwork to take to the lab which orders the blood test. Diagnosis -- failure to thrive. I just about lost it. Way to make an already weepy, hormonal, worried, upset post-partum mommy feel like shit. No, no, no...failure to thrive, that's what happens to babies in orphanages in third world countries who have no one to love them or babies in traumatic situations like following earthquakes where everyone has so little. My precious girl has more than enough love shown to her, she's loved and cuddled and snuggled and loved some more. There's plenty of milk (and formula too) here for the taking. There's enough. She needs to thrive--I'm not a bad mama; I'm doing my best--but it's not good enough. If it was, she'd be gaining weight. And I do intellectually know that 'failure to thrive' is a medical diagnosis, not about me--and I know my doctor cares because she didn't SAY those words to me. But it's tough, watching your baby scream as they draw a vial of blood from her heel. And then even better, since this was the same lab where they had last drawn to check bilirubin levels, they did that test not the correct one. We were on the way home when they called me to say they realized it. Thankfully I had made a stop, so we were still in the same town. So they had to draw blood again--3 vials full from her itty-bitty heel.
Test results--no sign of infection, no thyroid problems. Keep up the supplementing. Come back in a week.
To be continued...
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
The Blue Bandit
Precious weighed in at 7 lb 6 oz on Thursday night. We were released from the hospital on Friday. She was looking a bit jaundiced, but not horribly so. This isn't unusual for newborns--Baby Girl was too. The doctor wanted to see her early the next week, so we made an appointment for Monday but said to call sooner if she started to look more yellow, particularly in the whites of her eyes.
Precious seemed to do fairly well over the weekend. She didn't nurse great, though it was clear to me that my milk was in. Even in the hospital she made a 'clucking' sound when she tried to nurse. I could tell that her latch wasn't great; I nursed Baby Girl for 15 months--I knew a good latch. We tried with a nipple shield and without and it didn't seem to make much difference. But she wasn't getting enough--I knew--she wasn't peeing or pooping as much as she should. She was getting some--I could tell by how my breasts felt.
Monday morning we went to the doctor and she was down to 7 lbs. Babies all lose some of birth weight but this amount was on the low edge of normal. Doctor wasn't too concerned about that--but Precious was definitely jaundiced. We had to go to a lab for a blood test to find out the level. (Aside--do you know how they draw blood from babies? They stick their heel and then bend their foot and squeeze numerous times to fill a vial. It's sometimes hard to watch as they scream the whole time--except this time Precious was a trooper and didn't cry at all after the first stick!) We drove our 40 minutes back home. She really was mellow--hardly cried at all--ever.
The lab results indicated a high level and so she needed to use a bilirubin blanket--a special therapy device. Which no one in our town has. Hubby thought he'd have to drive back, but the doctor found a way to get this device to us. A bilrubin blanket has a machine that kind of looks like a slide or LCD projector with a bright light bulb. The light shines into a hose that attaches to a flexible flat thing and projects blue light. This flat thing is to be wrapped around the baby's torso (unclothed). The light therapy helps break down the bilirubin in the blood so that it can be excreted. A baby's liver can't keep up with that level at that age. Also, the doctor said to supplement with formula (1 oz, 3 times daily). I really hated to use the Supplemental Nursing System that I used with Baby Girl because it's a pain, but we did. Sometimes we used bottles too--but that also took forever. Precious just wouldn't latch right--to me or a bottle. And we wrapped her in this blanket which made her glow blue in the night. Hubby started calling her the Blue Bandit.
In theory, when wearing the blanket, you can do everything with the baby except bathe them. In reality, with the hose attached that is nearly impossible. For the most part, we left her laying down except to feed her. That broke my heart, not to be able to hold her and snuggle her--or give her the food she needed to beat the jaundice. I would cry and cry when I did hold her and try to feed her. Once I looked at her laying there all alone wrapped up and her eyes were heavy and she just looked sad to me. Hubby tried to make me feel better, but he couldn't. I was so worried about her.
I just wanted to snuggle with her, to hold her close and protect her, to feed her, to take care of her and love her. But I knew keeping her wrapped in the blanket was best. We were supposed to leave it on and then have her blood tested again on Wednesday afternoon.
We were able to have her blood tested in our town. Those results were fine! She was no longer in the danger area for jaundice. But the doctor still wanted to see her the following Monday.
Precious seemed to do fairly well over the weekend. She didn't nurse great, though it was clear to me that my milk was in. Even in the hospital she made a 'clucking' sound when she tried to nurse. I could tell that her latch wasn't great; I nursed Baby Girl for 15 months--I knew a good latch. We tried with a nipple shield and without and it didn't seem to make much difference. But she wasn't getting enough--I knew--she wasn't peeing or pooping as much as she should. She was getting some--I could tell by how my breasts felt.
Monday morning we went to the doctor and she was down to 7 lbs. Babies all lose some of birth weight but this amount was on the low edge of normal. Doctor wasn't too concerned about that--but Precious was definitely jaundiced. We had to go to a lab for a blood test to find out the level. (Aside--do you know how they draw blood from babies? They stick their heel and then bend their foot and squeeze numerous times to fill a vial. It's sometimes hard to watch as they scream the whole time--except this time Precious was a trooper and didn't cry at all after the first stick!) We drove our 40 minutes back home. She really was mellow--hardly cried at all--ever.
The lab results indicated a high level and so she needed to use a bilirubin blanket--a special therapy device. Which no one in our town has. Hubby thought he'd have to drive back, but the doctor found a way to get this device to us. A bilrubin blanket has a machine that kind of looks like a slide or LCD projector with a bright light bulb. The light shines into a hose that attaches to a flexible flat thing and projects blue light. This flat thing is to be wrapped around the baby's torso (unclothed). The light therapy helps break down the bilirubin in the blood so that it can be excreted. A baby's liver can't keep up with that level at that age. Also, the doctor said to supplement with formula (1 oz, 3 times daily). I really hated to use the Supplemental Nursing System that I used with Baby Girl because it's a pain, but we did. Sometimes we used bottles too--but that also took forever. Precious just wouldn't latch right--to me or a bottle. And we wrapped her in this blanket which made her glow blue in the night. Hubby started calling her the Blue Bandit.
In theory, when wearing the blanket, you can do everything with the baby except bathe them. In reality, with the hose attached that is nearly impossible. For the most part, we left her laying down except to feed her. That broke my heart, not to be able to hold her and snuggle her--or give her the food she needed to beat the jaundice. I would cry and cry when I did hold her and try to feed her. Once I looked at her laying there all alone wrapped up and her eyes were heavy and she just looked sad to me. Hubby tried to make me feel better, but he couldn't. I was so worried about her.
I just wanted to snuggle with her, to hold her close and protect her, to feed her, to take care of her and love her. But I knew keeping her wrapped in the blanket was best. We were supposed to leave it on and then have her blood tested again on Wednesday afternoon.
We were able to have her blood tested in our town. Those results were fine! She was no longer in the danger area for jaundice. But the doctor still wanted to see her the following Monday.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Time...
It's time to write at least some of the posts that have been written in my head over the last six weeks, so here goes...
I've decided on a blog name for the newest one in my family--Precious. Baby Girl may just have turned 3, but she is my Baby Girl and always will be. Though this little one is also technically my baby girl, it's just not the same. Baby Girl made me a mommy. And it seems a bit wrong to use an adjective for one of them and not the other, but over these six weeks, I've found myself calling this little one "Precious" so many times, just as I found myself calling Baby Girl "Baby Girl" when she was tiny. They are both precious and they are both baby girls. And as far as blog names, this is just how it's going to be.
So, now the story of Precious' birth.
Week 36 ~ Doctor usually does a cervix check at this appointment, but as it was Holy Week and she knew how badly I didn't want Precious born before Easter, she waited so as not to stimulate anything!
Week 37 ~ Dilated 3 cm, I had had a few contractions, but nothing real serious, nothing consistent or time-able.
Week 38, 1 day ~ times are approximate
9 a.m. appointment ~ dilated 3.5 cm, doctor says that my amniotic sac is really really low and that she is pretty sure I was having a contraction while she was checking me. She wants to monitor me for a while before letting me leave. (Reminder--I live 40 minutes from doctor/hospital city--she doesn't want me on the road!)
10 a.m. ~ hear hubby in waiting room as I'm being monitored. This is one of the week days that he works in doctor/hospital city. He was late into town following a meeting and knew my appointment should just be ending so had stopped by to check on me. He wondered why I wasn't out yet. I was having contractions every 4 minutes, feeling some of them. Doctor says to go walk a few hours, have something to eat, and come back.
We do. We go to the mall and walk it. We never have time together like this. We go to one of our favorite lunch places. I have contraband caffeine (I love cherry pepsi!) with lunch, deciding that if I'm in labor, I can have it! I am having regular contractions--I don't feel all of them if they are really 4 minutes apart and they aren't horrible, but I am sure we aren't headed home today!
1:30 p.m. ~ We go back to the doctor. I'm dilated 4 cm and after being monitored, I'm still having contractions every 4 minutes or so. She sends me to the hospital. We take both our vehicles there, knowing that when hubby's parents come to see new baby, one of them will drive his home. He's a bit worried, but it's only a drive of a few minutes.
2 p.m. ~ Check-in at hospital. During registration, we start process and it's moving slowly. They get to the question of why I'm there, I say..."I'm in labor" and they start to panic and try to rush. "Are you okay? Do you need to go right up?" No, I'm okay. I'm certainly feeling contractions, but no big deal. We do get into triage, I change into the gown and we wait....and wait...
3 p.m. ~ Nurse finally comes back. Another woman had come in and hadn't felt baby move and so triage nurse finds baby heartbeat, etc. to comfort the mom before coming back to me. As she checks me, my water breaks all over. And I mean, all over! Triage nurse jumps and manages to avoid most of it. "Well," she said, "you are being admitted for sure now!"
During this time, we get to our labor room. I'm monitored a bit, we walk. Contractions start to be ones that stop me so that I can't walk through them anymore. We call my mom to let her know that Baby Girl will be having a "campover" at her house that night. We tell her we'll call her when baby comes but that they should plan to wait until morning to come see us.
5 p.m. ~ By now I've decided to stay in bed because that really is the most comfortable as I breathe through contractions. Doctor comes to check on me. I'm dilated 8 cm. She asks if I want to push. I say no. Doctor says she isn't leaving, but she'll go and change into her scrubs. Next contraction, I think..."pushing might not be bad idea." Doctor comes back and I tell her.
5:40 p.m. ~ I start pushing. It's very different than with Baby Girl--in a good way. It hurts differently. I don't have pitocin-induced contractions on top of one another; I get a break between contractions. I know I scream when I'm pushing at different times. I have hubby's shirt in my hand twisted and tightened. He's putting cold washcloths on my head and neck. I'm grateful not to have an oxygen mask that made me feel like I couldn't breathe. (I know--that's backwards, but it's how I felt!) No tearing, nothing.
5:55 p.m. ~ Precious is laid on my tummy. I look at her beautiful body and smile. They take her to wash her and I'm pretty sure they said her Apgar's were 9/9. I remember thinking that they were better than Baby Girl's whose were 8/9. Deliver placenta--and actually look at it. It's pretty amazing and much bigger than I pictured. I'm glad I looked even if it was gross. I watch them clean and weigh Precious and check her over. I feel great! Even better after a shower.
I'm making calls shortly after to announce her birth. She's beautiful and I feel amazing. It's a surprise how much easier this was. With no drugs, no IV, no tearing, I feel incredible. I can't believe that I just gave birth. Thank God for that for so many reasons. Because if I had known what the weeks to come would bring, I'm not sure I'd have been able to handle them having to recover from labor too.
I've decided on a blog name for the newest one in my family--Precious. Baby Girl may just have turned 3, but she is my Baby Girl and always will be. Though this little one is also technically my baby girl, it's just not the same. Baby Girl made me a mommy. And it seems a bit wrong to use an adjective for one of them and not the other, but over these six weeks, I've found myself calling this little one "Precious" so many times, just as I found myself calling Baby Girl "Baby Girl" when she was tiny. They are both precious and they are both baby girls. And as far as blog names, this is just how it's going to be.
So, now the story of Precious' birth.
Week 36 ~ Doctor usually does a cervix check at this appointment, but as it was Holy Week and she knew how badly I didn't want Precious born before Easter, she waited so as not to stimulate anything!
Week 37 ~ Dilated 3 cm, I had had a few contractions, but nothing real serious, nothing consistent or time-able.
Week 38, 1 day ~ times are approximate
9 a.m. appointment ~ dilated 3.5 cm, doctor says that my amniotic sac is really really low and that she is pretty sure I was having a contraction while she was checking me. She wants to monitor me for a while before letting me leave. (Reminder--I live 40 minutes from doctor/hospital city--she doesn't want me on the road!)
10 a.m. ~ hear hubby in waiting room as I'm being monitored. This is one of the week days that he works in doctor/hospital city. He was late into town following a meeting and knew my appointment should just be ending so had stopped by to check on me. He wondered why I wasn't out yet. I was having contractions every 4 minutes, feeling some of them. Doctor says to go walk a few hours, have something to eat, and come back.
We do. We go to the mall and walk it. We never have time together like this. We go to one of our favorite lunch places. I have contraband caffeine (I love cherry pepsi!) with lunch, deciding that if I'm in labor, I can have it! I am having regular contractions--I don't feel all of them if they are really 4 minutes apart and they aren't horrible, but I am sure we aren't headed home today!
1:30 p.m. ~ We go back to the doctor. I'm dilated 4 cm and after being monitored, I'm still having contractions every 4 minutes or so. She sends me to the hospital. We take both our vehicles there, knowing that when hubby's parents come to see new baby, one of them will drive his home. He's a bit worried, but it's only a drive of a few minutes.
2 p.m. ~ Check-in at hospital. During registration, we start process and it's moving slowly. They get to the question of why I'm there, I say..."I'm in labor" and they start to panic and try to rush. "Are you okay? Do you need to go right up?" No, I'm okay. I'm certainly feeling contractions, but no big deal. We do get into triage, I change into the gown and we wait....and wait...
3 p.m. ~ Nurse finally comes back. Another woman had come in and hadn't felt baby move and so triage nurse finds baby heartbeat, etc. to comfort the mom before coming back to me. As she checks me, my water breaks all over. And I mean, all over! Triage nurse jumps and manages to avoid most of it. "Well," she said, "you are being admitted for sure now!"
During this time, we get to our labor room. I'm monitored a bit, we walk. Contractions start to be ones that stop me so that I can't walk through them anymore. We call my mom to let her know that Baby Girl will be having a "campover" at her house that night. We tell her we'll call her when baby comes but that they should plan to wait until morning to come see us.
5 p.m. ~ By now I've decided to stay in bed because that really is the most comfortable as I breathe through contractions. Doctor comes to check on me. I'm dilated 8 cm. She asks if I want to push. I say no. Doctor says she isn't leaving, but she'll go and change into her scrubs. Next contraction, I think..."pushing might not be bad idea." Doctor comes back and I tell her.
5:40 p.m. ~ I start pushing. It's very different than with Baby Girl--in a good way. It hurts differently. I don't have pitocin-induced contractions on top of one another; I get a break between contractions. I know I scream when I'm pushing at different times. I have hubby's shirt in my hand twisted and tightened. He's putting cold washcloths on my head and neck. I'm grateful not to have an oxygen mask that made me feel like I couldn't breathe. (I know--that's backwards, but it's how I felt!) No tearing, nothing.
5:55 p.m. ~ Precious is laid on my tummy. I look at her beautiful body and smile. They take her to wash her and I'm pretty sure they said her Apgar's were 9/9. I remember thinking that they were better than Baby Girl's whose were 8/9. Deliver placenta--and actually look at it. It's pretty amazing and much bigger than I pictured. I'm glad I looked even if it was gross. I watch them clean and weigh Precious and check her over. I feel great! Even better after a shower.
I'm making calls shortly after to announce her birth. She's beautiful and I feel amazing. It's a surprise how much easier this was. With no drugs, no IV, no tearing, I feel incredible. I can't believe that I just gave birth. Thank God for that for so many reasons. Because if I had known what the weeks to come would bring, I'm not sure I'd have been able to handle them having to recover from labor too.
Wednesday, May 04, 2011
She's Here!
Baby was born today (Wednesday, May 4th) at 5:55 p.m. Baby Girl/Big Sister was right--it's a little girl. 7 lb. 13 oz, 20 in long. We are doing well--will post more later. It's late and I should try to sleep, but I'm still in a bit of adrenaline rush or something as I'm not sleepy. She is beautiful and healthy. Baby Girl will meet her tomorrow as we live 40 minutes from the hospital and thought disrupting sleep patterns would be worse than waiting! Baby Girl is having a 'camp-over' with Grandma so is in excellent hands. I still am kind of in shock that I actually gave birth to another human being--even if I've done this before. It's amazing and incredible. (And as a bonus, we avoided all the landmines of the due date! She's been a very accommodating baby so far.)
Sunday, May 01, 2011
May Babies
Well, now it's pretty clear that I will have two May babies! Baby Girl (May 31) and this yet-to-be-named baby (both in nickname form and in real life). I'm starting to be ready, but not completely. There are still a few things I'd like to get in order at work before the baby comes. And I only have folks scheduled to fill in on Sundays starting May 22. I do have folks on call before then, but the less I have to rearrange Sundays the better! So, if I get through next Sunday too, great. But if not, no big deal. I was so worried about this baby being early that I have everyone anticipating it too. People are surprised to see me every time I see them. But that's okay. Baby's doing what it needs to be doing and that, for now, is growing inside me.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Milestone Two ~ Easter Morning
Made it! Baby has definitely dropped. Hubby's prediction is Wednesday, when I go see the doctor next. Now, the only things to avoid are step-daughter's high school graduation (May 22) and her final senior recital stuff (May 17). I'm still pretty sure I'll be early, so these should not be a problem as the 17th is my due date.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Easter Sermon
I'm ready for the next two days (Maundy Thursday and Good Friday), but not yet for Easter. Babies and new life are quite obviously on my brain--at least not in my arms! :)
Aside: I saw my doctor for my 36 week appointment on Tuesday. Usually a cervical check is done at that appointment, but since that can stimulate labor, she suggested waiting a week as she knew I want to get through Easter for sure! There was no real medical reason to do one right then as my blood pressure is good, I'm measuring okay even if big, I haven't had real contractions, etc. So that will come next week.
Anyway, back to the original post...As I look at Matthew's version of this story, I am seeing so many things that I could relate to pregnancy--and this phase of it in particular. And maybe that's a sermon I'll need to write for me...or a blog post or something...or maybe an article for Fidela's Sisters but I just don't think I can write it for this audience. I don't know enough people's stories. I feel like it would have the potential to cause more pain than it should if there are people who are struggling/have struggled with infertility or not having children by choice and later regretting it or people who just can't relate because they don't have children or are men or... And I don't want to get it written and then feel that way.
And my 36 week pregnant self is tired! So I'm copping out...I'm going to re-work an old Easter sermon (not preached here) and call it good. I hope. Now to work on it!
Aside: I saw my doctor for my 36 week appointment on Tuesday. Usually a cervical check is done at that appointment, but since that can stimulate labor, she suggested waiting a week as she knew I want to get through Easter for sure! There was no real medical reason to do one right then as my blood pressure is good, I'm measuring okay even if big, I haven't had real contractions, etc. So that will come next week.
Anyway, back to the original post...As I look at Matthew's version of this story, I am seeing so many things that I could relate to pregnancy--and this phase of it in particular. And maybe that's a sermon I'll need to write for me...or a blog post or something...or maybe an article for Fidela's Sisters but I just don't think I can write it for this audience. I don't know enough people's stories. I feel like it would have the potential to cause more pain than it should if there are people who are struggling/have struggled with infertility or not having children by choice and later regretting it or people who just can't relate because they don't have children or are men or... And I don't want to get it written and then feel that way.
And my 36 week pregnant self is tired! So I'm copping out...I'm going to re-work an old Easter sermon (not preached here) and call it good. I hope. Now to work on it!
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Milestone One
Today is the exact gestational age Baby Girl was when she was born. No signs of this baby! HOORAY! It's Holy Week after all; I have lots to do. I keep telling the baby, "just till after Easter, baby--then we can talk." I'm also doing lots of preparing--I figure the more I have ready, the less likely I am to need it. I'm also avoiding all those old wives tales that are to stimulate labor--I'm taking no chances. I see the doctor on Tuesday, so we'll see how things are going then. But I'm just happy to be to this point!
Thursday, April 07, 2011
Potty Progress
I'm so proud of Baby Girl. We've been working seriously on using the potty for about two weeks now. She does so well! We've had very few accidents after the first 2 days--she still often wants to use pull-ups, which is okay, but we are working on using big girl underwear. (Except at night and naptime--I'm just not ready for loads of sheets!) She gets a piece of candy for using the potty on her own (if she remembers the candy--which isn't always). I haven't figured out how/when we'll break that, but I'm not worried about that yet! She still fights pooping and won't do that on the potty yet, so that's next on the potty agenda. I'm so very glad she's doing so well. Even if this is as far as we get before baby comes, I'm feeling much better about this aspect of parenting two!
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Ten on Tuesday
1. I really am big this time around! Up until this week's appointment, I've measured right on track. Yesterday (one day shy of 32 weeks), I measured at 35 weeks. The doctor said it could just be how the baby is laying. If I continue to grow exponentially at this rate at my next appointment in two weeks, she will order an ultrasound. Last time, it was at my 34 week appointment that I measured big and she ordered one. All was fine and Baby Girl was born 2 days shy of 2 weeks after that appointment.
2. 2 days shy of 36 weeks will be Palm Sunday. NO, NO, NO! I really want to get through Holy Week. I have 'fun' things planned, meaningful worship experiences that I want to lead. I have someone on-call who can do it, but...
3. Baby Girl is so cute now in her interaction with the baby. She 'plays patty-cake' with my tummy, hugs it and tells the baby she loves it. I'm hoping the infatuation continues once the baby is actually here!
4. Baby Girl has also decided to fully descend into the terrible 2s/3s. But really, she's not that bad. We are just having to do more time-outs and deal with more melt-downs. It'll be okay.
5. Baby Girl has also decided to not sleep through the night anymore. It's not quite so bad when she just shows up in our room and we put her in our bed. But between her getting up and waiting until I show up in her room and the amount of times I'm up in a night to use the bathroom--ugh! I'm not ready for the sleep deprivation of newbornhood. I hope Baby Girl decides that Daddy will be good enough in the night from here on out!
6. We, perhaps foolishly, are trying to build a 'big girl' bed for Baby Girl. It's a bunkbed that looks like a house. There's room for a twin mattress up top (which we won't actully get or use until she's old enough to actually sleep up there--we'll just play up there for now) and can be either used with a twin or full below. We'll be using a full below so that one of us can lay with her if need be.
7. This will mean she'll move to a different bedroom and the room she picked out as her room before we even bought the house will be for the baby.
8. The walls are a sort of pink--dark coral. Hubby asked, "if it's a boy, will we paint?" I said, "not at first." We can get some wall decals or something at first. I think if we add blue accents it'd be fine.
9. We are washing all the tiny clothes--I can't believe how tiny Baby Girl was. It's hard to imagine! It is starting to get real--and there is so much to do!
10. Can't just leave it at 9, so here's 10...must get back to tomorrow's sermon. Thanks to Teri at Clever Title Here for her willingness to share with me so I'm not starting from nothing!
2. 2 days shy of 36 weeks will be Palm Sunday. NO, NO, NO! I really want to get through Holy Week. I have 'fun' things planned, meaningful worship experiences that I want to lead. I have someone on-call who can do it, but...
3. Baby Girl is so cute now in her interaction with the baby. She 'plays patty-cake' with my tummy, hugs it and tells the baby she loves it. I'm hoping the infatuation continues once the baby is actually here!
4. Baby Girl has also decided to fully descend into the terrible 2s/3s. But really, she's not that bad. We are just having to do more time-outs and deal with more melt-downs. It'll be okay.
5. Baby Girl has also decided to not sleep through the night anymore. It's not quite so bad when she just shows up in our room and we put her in our bed. But between her getting up and waiting until I show up in her room and the amount of times I'm up in a night to use the bathroom--ugh! I'm not ready for the sleep deprivation of newbornhood. I hope Baby Girl decides that Daddy will be good enough in the night from here on out!
6. We, perhaps foolishly, are trying to build a 'big girl' bed for Baby Girl. It's a bunkbed that looks like a house. There's room for a twin mattress up top (which we won't actully get or use until she's old enough to actually sleep up there--we'll just play up there for now) and can be either used with a twin or full below. We'll be using a full below so that one of us can lay with her if need be.
7. This will mean she'll move to a different bedroom and the room she picked out as her room before we even bought the house will be for the baby.
8. The walls are a sort of pink--dark coral. Hubby asked, "if it's a boy, will we paint?" I said, "not at first." We can get some wall decals or something at first. I think if we add blue accents it'd be fine.
9. We are washing all the tiny clothes--I can't believe how tiny Baby Girl was. It's hard to imagine! It is starting to get real--and there is so much to do!
10. Can't just leave it at 9, so here's 10...must get back to tomorrow's sermon. Thanks to Teri at Clever Title Here for her willingness to share with me so I'm not starting from nothing!
Wednesday, February 02, 2011
Big
Big...belly ~ I feel so much bigger this time around. I also find myself comparing how big I was or how I felt at this time of year 3 years ago, but constantly have to remind myself that's not fair. Baby Girl was born in May (the 31st) but her due date was June 30. So even though this little one is due in May (and hopefully will be born in that month), I'm really 6 weeks farther along. So I should be bigger. And from what I understand, second time mommies get bigger faster. At every doctor's appointment, I'm measuring right on track. (Actually at the last appointment, I was measuring 1/2 week behind.) So I guess I just feel big.
Big...snow ~ 15 inches they said on the news between yesterday afternoon and this morning. Lots of high winds and blowing. Everything closed today and much closed tomorrow as well. I don't mind not getting out all that much, but we all get along better if hubby and Baby Girl get chances to go out.
Big...wuss ~ From what I hear, it's lots of men and I don't know that for sure, but I know it's true for hubby. He's sick--which means he has a cold. His head hurts and he feels like doing nothing. So he doesn't. But I still have work to do and I really need him to play with Baby Girl at least a little bit. If I felt like he looks and sounds, he would still expect me to be doing my normal stuff. I'm frustrated.
Edited on Thursday--okay, he's more sick than yesterday started. He has chills and fever so can't do as much, but that still didn't hit right away. So, now the question as he and she nap--try to get some work done or nap too (between his hacking and her coming into bed with me at 2:45 a.m. and me not sleeping well at all after that, I feel like I barely slept!)?
Big...snow ~ 15 inches they said on the news between yesterday afternoon and this morning. Lots of high winds and blowing. Everything closed today and much closed tomorrow as well. I don't mind not getting out all that much, but we all get along better if hubby and Baby Girl get chances to go out.
Big...wuss ~ From what I hear, it's lots of men and I don't know that for sure, but I know it's true for hubby. He's sick--which means he has a cold. His head hurts and he feels like doing nothing. So he doesn't. But I still have work to do and I really need him to play with Baby Girl at least a little bit. If I felt like he looks and sounds, he would still expect me to be doing my normal stuff. I'm frustrated.
Edited on Thursday--okay, he's more sick than yesterday started. He has chills and fever so can't do as much, but that still didn't hit right away. So, now the question as he and she nap--try to get some work done or nap too (between his hacking and her coming into bed with me at 2:45 a.m. and me not sleeping well at all after that, I feel like I barely slept!)?
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Ahh...
I don't remember the last day that I had like this. The day started at 5:45 with Baby Girl coming into our room. When she's up before 6, we tell her it's still sleepy time and normally she'll cuddle and relax or go back to sleep. Of course, that works better when it's earlier in the morning. Well, no to that, but she got out of our bed and I wasn't sure where she went. She went back to her bed and started calling for me. Huh? Anyway, I went and laid down on the floor next to her bed. She never went back to sleep but rustled for probably 20 minutes. At which time she wanted to sit on the potty. Again, huh? But we did and had to take jammies off to do so, so she was ready to get dressed. I had clothes picked out for her in our room, so took her back in. We watched a tv show, which got us to 6:45 and then she had had enough and was ready to go.
But by 8, she and hubby left. And I have had the house to myself all day! I was almost crying when they left because I won't see Baby Girl until Tuesday afternoon. She will be spending the days with grandma and grandpa. Hubby will come home tomorrow.
I should have done a lot today, but I have done things today that I needed to do. Here's what I have accomplished (as of almost 4:30 p.m.)--slept, showered, read blogs, watched tv, and ate. I really needed this day. Now, I do need to be sure my sermon is set for tomorrow. After that, I think it's time to unload the dishwasher and make supper. Then it's time to read my book for fun and call it good! No big plans for after church tomorrow, so the other things will just have to happen then. I should be well rested! We'll see--I tend not to be able to sleep at night when hubby is gone, so it's hard to say for sure. But either way, it has been a good day!
But by 8, she and hubby left. And I have had the house to myself all day! I was almost crying when they left because I won't see Baby Girl until Tuesday afternoon. She will be spending the days with grandma and grandpa. Hubby will come home tomorrow.
I should have done a lot today, but I have done things today that I needed to do. Here's what I have accomplished (as of almost 4:30 p.m.)--slept, showered, read blogs, watched tv, and ate. I really needed this day. Now, I do need to be sure my sermon is set for tomorrow. After that, I think it's time to unload the dishwasher and make supper. Then it's time to read my book for fun and call it good! No big plans for after church tomorrow, so the other things will just have to happen then. I should be well rested! We'll see--I tend not to be able to sleep at night when hubby is gone, so it's hard to say for sure. But either way, it has been a good day!
Tuesday, January 04, 2011
Thoughts at Halfway (ish)
The whole numbering of pregnancy weeks simply confuses me--and mostly doesn't matter a whole lot. But according to weeks, I'm just about halfway there. And it's been a long time since I posted, so...
I am becoming more excited about this baby. We had an ultrasound. We decided not to find out gender, sort of. We had the tech write it on a piece of paper and seal it in an envelope if we decide later we do want to know and don't have another ultrasound. (I ended up with 3 total for Baby Girl, to check on different things.) This one wasn't as thrilling as any for her; partly because I didn't like the tech. We had my first ultrasound with this baby with her and she forgot to record certain things; I had to go back the next day (60 miles round trip). And she just irked me--can't really explain it.
Anyway, more than seeing the baby is that I can feel it more and more. It's still not consistent movements, but there's a lot more. Just when I start to think, "I haven't felt the baby for a long time, something's wrong" I feel something. And that's good and I'm relieved. I think it was about this time that I began to call Baby Girl "my little swimmer" because it seriously felt like she was swimming laps--touch one side, swim, touch other side, repeat, repeat, repeat. (And she LOVES the water today.)
Haven't come up with a nickname for this one--didn't plan to with Baby Girl, so it still might happen. And as an aside, if intuition is anything, this one is also a girl. With Baby Girl, I felt girl all along, but talked myself into thinking it was a boy because I was so certain I'd be wrong. Hubby thought girl because he kept thinking boy but was certain he'd be wrong. I guess I haven't asked him what he thinks this time.
I loved being pregnant with Baby Girl. I don't hate being pregnant this time--I don't love it the same way. Baby Girl made me a mother, a mommy, the one thing I wanted to be my entire life. And now I am that, no matter what happens. So there's not the same newness that came with my pregnancy with her. And there's not the same preparation--no 'stuff' to buy (well a few things I wish we'd had), but for the most part, no preparation. It's just so different.
And I'm tired of being a mother of a toddler. I love Baby Girl with all that I am, but it's exhausting in such a different way than having a baby. And she's not even really that difficult of a child. She has a few tantrums, but not many. She'll put herself in time-out and calm down quickly when placed there by us. Bedtime takes so long many nights and she only wants me. I'd love to share this with hubby. We've temporarily put potty training on hold as she's been withholding poop and that's a vicious cycle of constipation and pain that we want to break before spending too much time focusing on the potty. And besides, when on earth am I supposed to train her when I'm at work all week. There's not consistency in that! I know--it's a phase, it's part of life. It will get better and it's not awful. It just is.
And in the meantime, I'll grow this baby I'm learning to love and I'll love Baby Girl and put one foot in front of the other. It will be okay.
I am becoming more excited about this baby. We had an ultrasound. We decided not to find out gender, sort of. We had the tech write it on a piece of paper and seal it in an envelope if we decide later we do want to know and don't have another ultrasound. (I ended up with 3 total for Baby Girl, to check on different things.) This one wasn't as thrilling as any for her; partly because I didn't like the tech. We had my first ultrasound with this baby with her and she forgot to record certain things; I had to go back the next day (60 miles round trip). And she just irked me--can't really explain it.
Anyway, more than seeing the baby is that I can feel it more and more. It's still not consistent movements, but there's a lot more. Just when I start to think, "I haven't felt the baby for a long time, something's wrong" I feel something. And that's good and I'm relieved. I think it was about this time that I began to call Baby Girl "my little swimmer" because it seriously felt like she was swimming laps--touch one side, swim, touch other side, repeat, repeat, repeat. (And she LOVES the water today.)
Haven't come up with a nickname for this one--didn't plan to with Baby Girl, so it still might happen. And as an aside, if intuition is anything, this one is also a girl. With Baby Girl, I felt girl all along, but talked myself into thinking it was a boy because I was so certain I'd be wrong. Hubby thought girl because he kept thinking boy but was certain he'd be wrong. I guess I haven't asked him what he thinks this time.
I loved being pregnant with Baby Girl. I don't hate being pregnant this time--I don't love it the same way. Baby Girl made me a mother, a mommy, the one thing I wanted to be my entire life. And now I am that, no matter what happens. So there's not the same newness that came with my pregnancy with her. And there's not the same preparation--no 'stuff' to buy (well a few things I wish we'd had), but for the most part, no preparation. It's just so different.
And I'm tired of being a mother of a toddler. I love Baby Girl with all that I am, but it's exhausting in such a different way than having a baby. And she's not even really that difficult of a child. She has a few tantrums, but not many. She'll put herself in time-out and calm down quickly when placed there by us. Bedtime takes so long many nights and she only wants me. I'd love to share this with hubby. We've temporarily put potty training on hold as she's been withholding poop and that's a vicious cycle of constipation and pain that we want to break before spending too much time focusing on the potty. And besides, when on earth am I supposed to train her when I'm at work all week. There's not consistency in that! I know--it's a phase, it's part of life. It will get better and it's not awful. It just is.
And in the meantime, I'll grow this baby I'm learning to love and I'll love Baby Girl and put one foot in front of the other. It will be okay.
Thursday, December 09, 2010
Thoughts on Pregnancy--Due Date Woes
As I said, the due date was (and is) the easiest for me to articulate when it comes to my apprehension about this pregnancy. My due date is May 17--the ultrasound guesstimate was May 21 (even worse in some ways!) but since those can be off a week either way, my doctor says we go with May 17.
Here's why it's bad...
Professionally...
The one-year anniversary of starting my call to this place--May 1. I really, really, really wanted to be here more than one year before having a baby. And yes, with May 17--it's possible, but oh so barely.
Easter is really late this year--April 24. Not quite in the 2 week window for due dates, but darn close--especially when Baby Girl was a full month early! Since she had no problems related to being early, maybe I just gestate shorter than average--it's possible. Really, really don't want to miss my first Holy Week/Easter here!
Synod Assembly is May 20-21. Not a huge deal, but I don't like missing these. Yes, I'm insane. I know.
Family...
May 31 is Baby Girl's birthday. Well in the 2 week window. She's young enough that if we have to change a day of celebrating, it won't be a big deal. But I don't want her to have to share her birthday! We'll probably end up doing one family party in May in the years to come anyway.
May 13 is when my stepson is to graduate from college. At this point, he says he's not going to participate in the ceremony, but I think his mom will probably make him. At least he won't care much if we can't make it because of the new baby. He is really laid back and takes everything in stride.
Now the biggie...May 22 is when my stepdaughter graduates from high school. (May 16 and 17 are her two final senior music performances) She was not happy to hear Baby Girl was on the way...she's adjusted beautifully. However, I knew she wouldn't be thrilled with the due date. When we told her I was pregnant, she said, "when?" Mid-may was what we answered rather than the date. Her words to her dad were "well, you better not miss my graduation." Ouch. I get it, I do. Every child wants her daddy there on special days. We have done everything in our power to get him to as many events as he can possibly. (And I've even gone alone to some events to videotape when he couldn't go--driving 3 plus hours in the winter to do so!) And I want him to be there for her. But if I'm having this baby, I want him with me more. Stepdaughter and I have always gotten along okay. There's never been "you aren't my mother" stuff--partly because I've never tried to be her mother, just someone who loves and cares for her. And sometimes, perhaps now more than ever when I'm more hormonal, I want to shake her and remind her how much her dad loves her, how much he's been there for, how much he makes every effort, and yes, while's he's not there every night and day since her mom and he couldn't work it out, she has had so many more opportunities to share special things with him than I ever did with my dad. She's had him nearly twice as long and more often than not, when she has a choice, she doesn't choose to spend time with him. (Especially now that we are 20 minutes from her and she has a car.) He lets her choose to do other things. He doesn't command she come over or beg her too, usually. He's asked on occasion. But I really, really, really don't want to put hubby in the position of choosing me/baby and her graduation. I don't want her to resent me any more than she might/does(?) for taking her daddy away from her. (Never mind--her dad didn't leave her mom for me, but I'm not sure how she thinks about it.) I don't want her to have reason to resent this baby too--it was hard enough to accept that she was no longer Daddy's baby--and baby girl no less.
Here's why it's bad...
Professionally...
The one-year anniversary of starting my call to this place--May 1. I really, really, really wanted to be here more than one year before having a baby. And yes, with May 17--it's possible, but oh so barely.
Easter is really late this year--April 24. Not quite in the 2 week window for due dates, but darn close--especially when Baby Girl was a full month early! Since she had no problems related to being early, maybe I just gestate shorter than average--it's possible. Really, really don't want to miss my first Holy Week/Easter here!
Synod Assembly is May 20-21. Not a huge deal, but I don't like missing these. Yes, I'm insane. I know.
Family...
May 31 is Baby Girl's birthday. Well in the 2 week window. She's young enough that if we have to change a day of celebrating, it won't be a big deal. But I don't want her to have to share her birthday! We'll probably end up doing one family party in May in the years to come anyway.
May 13 is when my stepson is to graduate from college. At this point, he says he's not going to participate in the ceremony, but I think his mom will probably make him. At least he won't care much if we can't make it because of the new baby. He is really laid back and takes everything in stride.
Now the biggie...May 22 is when my stepdaughter graduates from high school. (May 16 and 17 are her two final senior music performances) She was not happy to hear Baby Girl was on the way...she's adjusted beautifully. However, I knew she wouldn't be thrilled with the due date. When we told her I was pregnant, she said, "when?" Mid-may was what we answered rather than the date. Her words to her dad were "well, you better not miss my graduation." Ouch. I get it, I do. Every child wants her daddy there on special days. We have done everything in our power to get him to as many events as he can possibly. (And I've even gone alone to some events to videotape when he couldn't go--driving 3 plus hours in the winter to do so!) And I want him to be there for her. But if I'm having this baby, I want him with me more. Stepdaughter and I have always gotten along okay. There's never been "you aren't my mother" stuff--partly because I've never tried to be her mother, just someone who loves and cares for her. And sometimes, perhaps now more than ever when I'm more hormonal, I want to shake her and remind her how much her dad loves her, how much he's been there for, how much he makes every effort, and yes, while's he's not there every night and day since her mom and he couldn't work it out, she has had so many more opportunities to share special things with him than I ever did with my dad. She's had him nearly twice as long and more often than not, when she has a choice, she doesn't choose to spend time with him. (Especially now that we are 20 minutes from her and she has a car.) He lets her choose to do other things. He doesn't command she come over or beg her too, usually. He's asked on occasion. But I really, really, really don't want to put hubby in the position of choosing me/baby and her graduation. I don't want her to resent me any more than she might/does(?) for taking her daddy away from her. (Never mind--her dad didn't leave her mom for me, but I'm not sure how she thinks about it.) I don't want her to have reason to resent this baby too--it was hard enough to accept that she was no longer Daddy's baby--and baby girl no less.
Wednesday, December 08, 2010
Thoughts on Pregnancy, Part 2
At first, I didn't really want to tell anyone. I know there's the (un?)spoken rule about not sharing in the first trimester because the risks of miscarriage is greater then. And that was okay; I didn't want to tell. I kept expecting something to go wrong because I wasn't sure about what I was feeling. I didn't WANT a miscarriage, but I wondered how upset I would be if I had one. I've read blogs of many women who mourn intensely at 5 weeks (which was before I even found out) and name that child and everything. I don't really know when I start defining 'child'--but for me, it's not that soon. But everyone is different and I don't know the story that led them to that point; we all handle things in different ways. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't name the child at that point though.
Maybe we just aren't good at naming! With Baby Girl, we picked out the boy name well before I was due--it was the only first boy name we could agree on. (And my only naming criteria was that I wanted/want to use my dad's middle name as a boy middle name so they had to go together.) Baby Girl, we were narrowing it down--and made our final narrowing down to 2 on the way to the hospital! I named her when I saw her and have never regretted it for a second! But I guess that's beside the point.
And then I went for my first prenatal visit--just with the nurse. And found out the due date from her; I had found calendars on-line too. And it was reconfirmed why the timing was so horrible (which I promise I'll get to at some point!) which was the part I could most articulate as to why I was having mixed feelings.
One funny from that visit--the nurse was asking questions about medical history, etc. and asked if I had ever had fertility problems. I just laughed--I got pregnant while on birth control, uh, no! (I know infertility isn't funny--but it certainly hasn't been my problem!)
But there was a glimmer of hope for me about my due date--I was hoping we were really wrong! The nurse was able to find a heartbeat--which was really early for that with my due date and she said it was higher than she'd expect. That coupled with the fact that I was on birth control could have my dating wrong, even though we knew when I had my last period. For that reason and for the genetic testing my doctor now does, I was scheduled to have an ultrasound. Perhaps that would indicate a different due date.
That made me feel a better; though still uncertain.
Maybe we just aren't good at naming! With Baby Girl, we picked out the boy name well before I was due--it was the only first boy name we could agree on. (And my only naming criteria was that I wanted/want to use my dad's middle name as a boy middle name so they had to go together.) Baby Girl, we were narrowing it down--and made our final narrowing down to 2 on the way to the hospital! I named her when I saw her and have never regretted it for a second! But I guess that's beside the point.
And then I went for my first prenatal visit--just with the nurse. And found out the due date from her; I had found calendars on-line too. And it was reconfirmed why the timing was so horrible (which I promise I'll get to at some point!) which was the part I could most articulate as to why I was having mixed feelings.
One funny from that visit--the nurse was asking questions about medical history, etc. and asked if I had ever had fertility problems. I just laughed--I got pregnant while on birth control, uh, no! (I know infertility isn't funny--but it certainly hasn't been my problem!)
But there was a glimmer of hope for me about my due date--I was hoping we were really wrong! The nurse was able to find a heartbeat--which was really early for that with my due date and she said it was higher than she'd expect. That coupled with the fact that I was on birth control could have my dating wrong, even though we knew when I had my last period. For that reason and for the genetic testing my doctor now does, I was scheduled to have an ultrasound. Perhaps that would indicate a different due date.
That made me feel a better; though still uncertain.
Monday, December 06, 2010
Thoughts on Pregnancy
It's my blog, right? I can say whatever I want. But it sometimes is hard to admit things...and this is probably the best place to do it because those who read (those I know in real life and those I don't, but feel like I do from blogreading) seem like the people I can trust with these thoughts.
In early August, I had my annual physical. My doctor asked about whether or not we would have more kids. My response was that it was possible; we were discussing trying for a few months early in 2011. I also said, "Right now would be a horrible time to get pregnant; the timing would be really bad." (Because of the due date--more on that later!)
And then August passed and I was thinking lots of things. Hubby and I talked; he turns 40 in 2011. That's his cut-off for having kids. I get it; he has a 21 year old son, a 17 year old daughter and 2 1/2 year old Baby Girl. This is a big enough span--there's already the chance that Baby Girl and baby#2 will have close in age nieces or nephews. At least the older kids aren't trying to follow in their parents footsteps and start young! Stepson isn't really interested in girls, or rather he's socially awkward enough that he hasn't met people. Stepdaughter has a boyfriend, but (while I know it's possible) I think that both she and he are not to that point.
I was also thinking about the fact that I'm happy to be nearing the end of diapers and the need for 100% constant supervision. I'm in the throes of terrible two's and I don't know if I want to deal with that again. Baby Girl is still my heart and I don't know how I'll be able to share time and attention.
And then...I was late in September and in denial. I was particularly stressed; the start of a program year at a new call will do that to you. I had started a new generic of the same active birth control pill ingredient and when I've done that before, I've been late. And so I just kept going along. Until I realized that September came and went and I was REALLY late and I had other symptoms. So I took a pregnancy test.
And it was positive. Even though I can't read those stinking things...really, they are idiot-proof. I got the same kind I took with Baby Girl and I didn't read it right then either. Hubby looked at it and there was no doubt. And then when I paid attention to the picture that says which is which, I was like--duh!
And I wasn't thrilled. I wasn't elated. I was scared and unhappy and unsure. This wasn't how it was supposed to happen. I was at the point where I wasn't sure I wanted it to. But it had.
In early August, I had my annual physical. My doctor asked about whether or not we would have more kids. My response was that it was possible; we were discussing trying for a few months early in 2011. I also said, "Right now would be a horrible time to get pregnant; the timing would be really bad." (Because of the due date--more on that later!)
And then August passed and I was thinking lots of things. Hubby and I talked; he turns 40 in 2011. That's his cut-off for having kids. I get it; he has a 21 year old son, a 17 year old daughter and 2 1/2 year old Baby Girl. This is a big enough span--there's already the chance that Baby Girl and baby#2 will have close in age nieces or nephews. At least the older kids aren't trying to follow in their parents footsteps and start young! Stepson isn't really interested in girls, or rather he's socially awkward enough that he hasn't met people. Stepdaughter has a boyfriend, but (while I know it's possible) I think that both she and he are not to that point.
I was also thinking about the fact that I'm happy to be nearing the end of diapers and the need for 100% constant supervision. I'm in the throes of terrible two's and I don't know if I want to deal with that again. Baby Girl is still my heart and I don't know how I'll be able to share time and attention.
And then...I was late in September and in denial. I was particularly stressed; the start of a program year at a new call will do that to you. I had started a new generic of the same active birth control pill ingredient and when I've done that before, I've been late. And so I just kept going along. Until I realized that September came and went and I was REALLY late and I had other symptoms. So I took a pregnancy test.
And it was positive. Even though I can't read those stinking things...really, they are idiot-proof. I got the same kind I took with Baby Girl and I didn't read it right then either. Hubby looked at it and there was no doubt. And then when I paid attention to the picture that says which is which, I was like--duh!
And I wasn't thrilled. I wasn't elated. I was scared and unhappy and unsure. This wasn't how it was supposed to happen. I was at the point where I wasn't sure I wanted it to. But it had.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Preoccupied
So I obviously gave up on the posting everyday in November thing--and I'm okay with that. I've been preoccupied with that which I wasn't ready to blog about until I made the news public in real life. And now that it is public, I'm still preoccupied with this baby. And still very busy with church, especially this Advent season. So I'll be posting more than before November, I think!
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