Crayons

This morning, Baby Girl was playing with crayons, which I took away when she started saying, 'icky' and I noticed red chunks around her mouth. (She has been told repeatedly not to eat crayons and also had them taken away for doing so.) I put them away in a different spot than usual and she saw that. She cried a bit, but got over it. We played and she said goodbye to me as usual--with hugs, kisses, waves, etc. I left for work about 8:15 a.m.

When I came home around 3 p.m., she didn't come running like usual. I came in and said, "where's my girl?" She looked at me, pointed, and said "crayons." I replied, "can I have a hug?" She looked at me, pointed, and said "crayons." I went over to her to try to hug her; "crayons," she said. I encouraged her to ask nicely (i.e. saying please) which she did. Then I gave back her crayons, asked for a hug and she happily obliged.

That girl forgets nothing! But obviously can hold a grudge, but not forever. I usually rock her to drowsy and then put her in her crib. Tonight, she wanted to be held until asleep. I would try to move her and she'd say, "NO" and push me back in the chair. She was quite content to snuggle. She makes me so happy. I still can't believe how much I love her!

The Sermon I Want to Write vs. the Sermon I Need to Write

So, the lectionary is a good thing, yes? I knew this week was Baptism of Our Lord for a long time, knowing I'd be preaching. I hadn't looked at the texts closely prior to Tuesday morning. When Isaiah's/God's words struck me the most. "I have called you by name, you are mine." (The text is Isaiah 43:1-7.) And others..."you are precious in my sight; I love you." Words that most of us need to hear more often than we do. I read these on Tuesday morning, just after having been given a heads-up that I was going to have someone come in to talk to me in the afternoon as a follow-up to an evaluation given 2 plus years ago. The story is much more drawn out than I have in me. The conversation went well, but here are the highlights. I don't talk about myself enough in my sermons. (Really--I was taught that sermons should be about, I don't know, GOD.) I am not 'friendly' enough in the narthex before/after services. (Really--when you rush to put your coat on or make a closed circle to talk with your friends, I'm not going to interrupt you unless I have something more specific than good morning to say.) I've been here nearly 7 years; these aren't new things...but I can only change so much. Especially when I found out this follow-up (so late) is because a handful of people thought that they should 'eliminate the position' for 2010. At least council said, "no--if this was part of the evaluation 2 years ago, we need to follow up on it rather than having done nothing than told her that 2 years ago...and we don't agree on the step of eliminating the position."

Anyway, Tuesday night/Wednesday morning at 1 a.m. Baby Girl wakes up. I listen to her whine/moan/cry through the moniter about 15 minutes and then go hold her, rocking her for 1/2 hour before she settles down. Just long enough to be fully awake and hear the words echoing in my head that I'm not good enough. (And continuing to echo for at least an hour more after I get back in my bed.) I never have been and never will be. The good news is that I also had the words of Isaiah/God echoing around in there. "You are precious in my sight and I love you. I created you. You are mine."

So the sermon I want to write is basically this..."You want to hear more about me. How about this? I'm a shy quiet introvert who wants you to learn about me by taking time to talk to me, not by sharing stories from the pulpit. From here, I want you to hear about God. But today, how about this? In my life, I've hardly ever felt good enough...and Tuesday I was told I wasn't good enough to be here, to be standing before you. So I spent hours awake with that echoing in my head. The good news is that I had God's voice too--and too bad for you, that's the one I'm going to listen to. If I'm not good enough for you, fine. I am God's beloved and I am doing the best I can to be who God made me--and it's not by telling stories about myself or about shaking more hands after worship."

And the sermon I need to write is not quite the same....It will be about all of us needing to hear Isaiah's/God's words echoing in our minds. I just first have to get through the sermon I want to write and to hear the sermon I need to hear in order to get to the sermon they need to hear.

Sickness, Snow Days and My Little Extrovert

Due to winter weather and a touch of sickness, we've spent much of the last week inside. Tuesday, Baby Girl went to daycare, but I picked her up early because of tummy troubles that wouldn't allow her to remain at daycare. Let's just say she was on her 3rd outfit of the day. Wednesday is usually a work-at-home day, but we go out to a text study meeting. We didn't because of snow and Daddy was home from work too--no school! Thursday was cold...cold...cold! But, Daddy and I tag-teamed work in order to keep Baby Girl home (though looking at the day, she probably could have gone to daycare). There was no school, but Daddy wanted to get work done, so he worked in the morning and I went to work for the afternoon. About 4 p.m. I called to say that I'd be heading home and Daddy asked if we wanted to go out to pick up some groceries and get out of the house. I agreed as long as they were ready as soon as I got home so the car would be nice and warm for Baby Girl. I pulled in the driveway and we still debated, but decided to go. Apparently, when we hung up, he had said to Baby Girl, "find your socks and shoes" and she couldn't find them/get to the door fast enough! Well...my little girl is such an extrovert! She was so happy and exicted to be out. She said "hi" to everyone in the store, even staring down the cashier until the cashier replied. Guess it was good to get out!

So really, not a very exciting post, but it's a wonderful procrastination tool!

Need vs. Want

I should be working...I'm in my office where the afternoon is unusually quiet; that means I'm working, right? Never mind that I'm reading blogs and checking personal email and texting my hubby. I will leave soon to pick up Baby Girl from daycare; she's 17 months old now. I think I need a different nickname, but I digress.

Knowing tomorrow will be a busy day of appointments, I want to get a sermon written for this weekend--maybe it's even a need. But it's not happening. I'm managing to stay on top of other work things and maybe even enjoying some of them. But not preaching. It seems to be such a struggle lately. And yet, I look longingly at a potential D.Min program at my alma mater. But I've become a horrible preacher. My habits are atrocious; I am very disappointed in myself. I would be embarrassed to tell my preaching professor, a person who I admire so much, a person who has also so often been my pastor.

I can't decide if my bad preaching is a symptom or the problem. I am so very done here in this place. I need something that will be rejuvenating and life-giving. I'm hopeful about a continuing ed. event this summer, but details are still very fuzzy and senior pastor is already having a fit about how he'll fit taking youth on a mission trip and get his vacation in this summer, especially if I'll be gone any of it. (Never mind that I agreed to go to the week of confirmation camp and also am entitled to vacation time. Heaven forbid that we get a supply pastor even though it's in the budget.)

I want to be a better preacher--I need to. Yes, God can work through all sorts of garbage, but I've got to get out of the way. Right now, I feel squarely in the way. I find all sorts of things to do to avoid sermon writing because I feel like such a failure.

At text study this week, I said that I wasn't sure where I'm going exactly (I have a designated theme because of a program we are doing). I said, "I think I just need to start writing and see what happens." I just haven't been able to bring myself to start. Sometimes I need to sit with paper and pencil. Perhaps late tonight after evening meeting. Who needs sleep, right?

QRSTUVWXY and Z

I haven't posted for a month, but I just can't let this thing go. I feel like I need to complete this before I post anything else...despite having had other things that would mostly likely develop into much more interesting posts. But for my sake...completing an alphabet of gratitude!

Q

• Quilts ~ both for warmth and beauty
• Quiet moments ~ quiet moments in my heart are treasured more so than actual volume, though I do appreciate times of actual quiet too

R

• Reading ~ don't do as much as I'd like right now

S

• Sunshine ~ I sometimes wonder if I really do suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder. I need sunshine!

T

• Texting ~ a new way for my hubby and I to communicate

U

• Umbrellas? ~ really, all I can think of this moment that begins with u

V

• VeggieTales ~ Baby Girl LOVES Bob the Tomato--these are a huge help in the morning when I must get ready and need to know she's occupied while I shower

W

• Winter memories ~ I hate cold and mostly hate winter, but winter memories from my childhood are some of my favorite.

X

• xylophone ~ Baby Girl loves to play hers

Y

• You ~ I know I don't write often anymore, if I ever did, but it's nice to know someone might actually read this. (And I know there are a few of you who do at least occasionally.)

Z

• Zippers ~ crazy thing to be grateful for I know, but I prefer zippers to buttons on sweaters--they feel warmer somehow in the midst of winter

Okay--done--perhaps others will come to me and I'll add them. Hopefully instead I will just post more.

JKLMNOP

I really had good intentions of doing this gratitude posting; I did. But I would also find myself tired at the end of the day and without the brain power to put thoughts into words, especially thoughtful words. I also found myself without time throughout the day to post--except while at work while trying to be more efficient so as to have less to do on my 'work-at-home' days and to not feel so overwhelmed. So...this fell away. At the same time, I'm OCD enough that I can't just fully admit it and then let it go...I need to at least make a list of a few things for each letter. So today (or actually composed in weeks)...JKLMNOP



J

• J and J ~ my great-grandparents, though I never knew them, their stories have shaped me, their decisions to leave the 'old country' and come to the US, their lives before and after that move, their daughter my grandma
• Jonquils ~ don't really know how they are different from daffodils, but I love both and I think 'jonquils' is a fun word
• Jury duty ~ can't say I want to do this anytime again soon, but it was definitely an educational experience! I wouldn't mind serving again in the distant future

K

• kisses ~ Baby Girl will kiss pictures, particularly of doggies (or bow-wows as she says), and daddy and her bear and toys...but they are hard-won gifts for me. I think she associates giving me kisses with me going away and so doesn't want to give them...despite that I give her lots of kisses all the time. Yesterday, she would kiss a picture of me, but not me. I don't understand.
• kisses--the Hershey variety, particularly with almonds ~ I posted about these some time ago, maybe I'll get ambitious later and create a link

L

• lists ~ I'm a list maker. They help keep me semi-focused on things that need to be accomplished
• light ~ preferably natural light. I don't care if the house warms up in the afternoon, I want lots of light coming in. I hate the darkness of the winter; it sucks the life out of me. I love how long the light is in the summer. During that time of year, I think I could live near the arctic circle.

M

• music ~ I may not have any natural musical talent, but I love music.
• milk ~ I drank soy until age 5, but quickly developed a love for milk. When I go to my mom's, she always says she had to buy extra milk because her calf is home. Even though I love milk, I should have known something was up when I drank a whole gallon by myself in the 24 hours before Baby Girl was born. This is also probably why producing milk for her was not a challenge for me, at least according to my doctor.

N

• nighttime ~ particularly nights without meetings, the quiet nights when we are home together as a family and I can snuggle and rock Baby Girl to sleep
• newness ~ for right now I think I'm grateful for the little new things because I am so craving bigger newness

O

• order ~ I like 'a place for everything and everything in its place.' I'm learning to let some of that go as I realize that a 16 month old just can't do it. I haven't fully given up on the 38 year old who also lives in my house though.
• once upon a time ~ okay, a stretch, I admit--but stories and those stories that so easily lend themselves to being pulled into and stories that take us away to new places

P

• pens and pencils ~ some particular ones in fact, I love variety in these, of playing with new ones and colors. I do more and more on the computer, but sometimes I just need to physically write.
• peas ~ Baby Girl's current favorite vegetable

Big I, Little i, what begins with I?

Itchy, itchy Ichabod...I, i, I*

Has it really been two weeks? Wow...it's been a crazy few weeks; I started this list in my head two weeks ago...

• internet ~ really, don't know what I'd do without it
• income ~ two steady incomes in fact, incomes not affected by the economic downturn
• ice cream ~ especially chocolate from our particular midwestern grocery store chain...yum
• instructions ~ I like instructions--even if I sometimes choose to ignore them

I guess I'll say that's enough for 'i' and hope that I get back into this blogging habit soon.


*Dr. Seuss

Big H, little h, what begins with H?

Hungry horse, hen in hat...H, h, H*

• House ~ I'm grateful that we have a house, a nice house, probably more house than we need.
• Home ~ But a house isn't the same as a home for me. We have a home, a place where there is love and family and togetherness.
• Home for my words ~ I'm grateful for this blog, for a place to write and how it has helped me connect with others.
• Help ~ It's hard for me to ask for help, but when it's offered in love, I'm grateful.
• Hands ~ When I think about it, it's pretty amazing what hands can do.
• Heat (but not HOT weather) ~ I am usually cold, so I'm grateful for some heat. But I'm not crazy about hot, humid weather. I'm thinking more about winter here and how grateful I am for our wood burner and how toasty warm our house can get.

*Dr. Seuss

Big G, little g, what begins with G?

Goat and goo-goo goggles, G..g..G*

I've been thinking about G for some time and actually have had quite a list in my head for the whole week since I last posted, but I had to make time today. A nerve was hit for me today and I know it shouldn't have been but it was. A woman going through unspeakable grief commented on a blog of hers a feeling she had when a bunch of us started doing this "ABCs" of gratitude thing. It feels fake and insincere to her--my words for how I read her...I own it that is my take on what she wrote. But it hit a nerve because maybe it started somewhat flippantly, but I am choosing to keep doing this because I need to. Writing is something that has always been life-giving and healing to me. And I have been wanting and needing to write, but not having the motivation to begin. Having a reason, a purpose, a silly tool of the alphabet is motivation. I feel stuck right now, and while it's not her unspeakable pain, it's my pain, my heartbreak, my need. And it helps me to focus on the good things, the things I'm grateful for so that I can think beyond the stuck-ness. And so...my list for G--in no particular order....

• Grace ~ on so many levels, mainly God's grace--grace that pours over and fills up and sustains and keeps me going even when I don't feel like it or even necessarily feel it, but also the simple grace extended by others...not minding that it took almost 2 weeks to return a phone call or the thoughtfulness of a door held
• Grief ~ really? especially after the opening paragraph? Yes. My grief may not be as dramatic or horrible as many others have experienced. But when I look at my circle of close friends, most have experienced very little grief. My dad died 22 years ago when I was not quite 10...rarely a day goes by that I don't experience grief. And that's not the only loss I've faced. And while I would gladly trade this grief for the people or situations that are unrepairable, having experienced what I have makes me a better pastor, better able to sit with death and grief and unanswered questions. And I am grateful for that.
• Giggles ~ particularly those of Baby Girl...why is it that baby giggles are so amazing?
• Gratitude ~ I'm grateful that my life is such that I can be grateful.

It seems that I had a much longer list in my head a few days ago when I didn't have the time. Ah, well. So it goes.

*Dr. Seuss

Big F, Little f, what begins with F?

Four fluffy feathers on a Fiffer-feffer-feff.*

• Freezers ~ I'm very grateful for freezers this week. I threw out my back on Monday, so having a frozen ice pack to use on a regular basis was a must. That--and for the quick, easy, frozen food!
• Flexibility ~ Again, back-related. I didn't think I was really flexible, but now that it hurts to bend certain ways, I am grateful for how flexible I am.
• Flexibility, in less physical terms ~ I am grateful for a flexible schedule. Though I must admit, I would be even more grateful if others could appreciate my flexible schedule. But I'm not dwelling on that--I'm being grateful here!
• Fingers ~ cute, sticky, little fingers and the realization of how much they can do now--of course, it's always all about Baby Girl!
• Friends ~ those with whom it's always possible to fall back into easy friendship, even if time has passed
• Freedom ~ can't really put this one into words

*Of course, it's Dr. Seuss.

Big E, Little E, what begins with E?

Ear, egg, elephant...E, e, E*

• Email ~ I have never, ever been a telephone person. I'm so glad to have email ~ especially for work stuff. I'd much rather send the email than make a call when possible.
  
• Electricity ~ I take it for granted, I know. E's a hard letter for me--guess that's why I thought of it.
• Elephants ~ I probably only thought of them because of Dr. Seuss, but they are pretty amazing creatures.
• Eyes and ears ~ do I really need to comment on this one?
  
• Evenings, especially ones with no meetings this time of year ~ I hate winter for lots of reasons, but primarily because it gets dark so early and I tend to have more meetings. I love having it be light after supper, with free time to decide how to spend. These days, it usually involves outside playtime, a bath, bed for baby, then tidying up the house. Sitting with a cool breeze blowing through the house, the house tidy, the sun gradually setting, time to read or blog or just relax, ahh...

*Thanks to Dr. Seuss

Big D, Little d, what begins with D?

Donuts and a duck-dog, D, d, D*

• Departure ~ of MIL this morning, meaning that tomorrow will be the first full 24 hour day that it's just my hubby, Baby Girl and me home since July 4. I am so ready. I am grateful for her help, and my mom's prior to that, but I'm done sharing my house. I'm a J on Myers-Briggs and I really like my order and don't like it messed with. My husband will tell me to get over it, but the big thing today is what I noticed while playing outside with Baby Girl this afternoon. My MIL (who always has to be doing...) decided to do some re-landscaping of my yard. Okay--if she'd asked, maybe. I don't have time to do lots of yard work; I'm trying to keep things alive that were here. I realize this, but what she did was move lots of the decorative rocks. I couldn't tell you where they all came from, but I do know that they are now covering all the spots where from up close you could see dirt. You know why you can see dirt in those spots? It's because that's where the spring flowers (like ALL the tulips) came through the beds of small rocks. Tulips are my favorites. Okay--venting over for now....this is supposed to be things I'm grateful for.
• D ~ my husband. He's a wonderful daddy and he's very caring. I know I sometimes take him for granted and I know sometimes I get annoyed. After a near week with MIL, it helps me remember some of the things he does he can't help. He's just like her in some things.
• Disposable diapers ~ I know...they are bad for the environment, expensive, etc. But for me, at this point in my life, it was worth it.
• Dishwasher ~ not only because I'm lazy and don't enjoy washing dishes, but because I love knowing that the dishes get clean and sanitized with very hot water.
• Dozing ~ Baby Girl was out of sorts when all left this morning, so I decided we'd snuggle for a bit and watch some TV. She fell asleep and thinking she wouldn't sleep long, I just snuggled with her and ended up dozing with her. She slept about an hour and I probably dozed 1/2 that time.
• Day off ~ Having a day off so I had that luxury. Though since she's down for her real nap, I should really do something that I need to accomplish--like message for Sunday or some laundry or a stack of papers....

*Thanks to Dr. Seuss

Big C, Little c, what begins with C?

Camels on the ceiling, C, c, C*

Today I'm grateful for:

• church ~ the body of Christ, the universal church, especially those times we live it out well
• communion ~ I'm such a Lutheran; sacraments are so important to me
• communion of saints ~ especially that "mystic sweet communion with those whose rest is won"
• connections ~ of all sorts, especially with people
• colleagues ~ one in particular has been particularly helpful in my life in the last few days, but there are so many I'm grateful for
• cats ~ I've always been more of a cat person than a dog person. Perhaps it's because cats are more like me--fiercely independent, seem stand-offish and/or shy, but when they love you, they can't get enough attention
• cuddles ~ especially from a certain 14-month-old in my life
• china ~ two sets in particular, one handed down from my grandpa's cousin that has real gold leafing and one handed down from my mom
• C ~ my daddy...he's one major reason the communion of saints is so important for me. He's been gone for 22 years now, more than double the time I had to know him. He meant so much and I know how much he loved me. And I know we are connected. It doesn't always feel like enough, but it's all I have.

I'll think of more later; I know I will. I keep thinking of so many things for the past letters. Here's the beginning of that list: Advent, anticipation, baptism, books, blogs, boxes. (I mean really, how could I forget baptism, books, and blogs yesterday?)

*thanks to Dr. Seuss

Big B, little b, What Begins with B?

Barber, baby, bubbles, and a bumblebee*

• Babies ~ I wrote about my baby girl yesterday and I'm most grateful for her, but all babies give me so much hope. They remind me of possibilities and love and newness. There is nothing more precious to me that snuggling a tiny one.
• Breast milk ~ I am so grateful for these months that I have had plenty of breast milk to nourish my little one. I know everyone is not so lucky. Right now it is bittersweet as we are nearing being fully weaned -- just nursing once a day. I'll miss it when we are done completely.
• Boppies ~ These make nursing so much easier. I'm not sure I could have nursed so long without having one!
• Bed ~ I love to sleep. I'm grateful for a soft cozy bed and warm covers.
• Butterflies ~ I have a little card with a butterfly pin on that says this, "Butterflies are a reminder to us that the world flutters with new possibilities." I have it hanging near my desk. I often need the reminder!
• Bees ~ Though bees also terrify me a little bit, I love to look at the big fluffy ones that look like they'd be soft to touch. I also enjoy the fruits of the bee's labor, particularly honey.
• Bread ~ Fresh bread--nothing like it.
• Bananas ~ on the green side or in banana bread, or watching Baby Girl's excitement to have one to eat
• B, Baby Girl's beloved babysitter ~ While Baby Girl will go to a new daycare this fall, we are so blessed that Baby Girl was in B's wonderful and loving hands for so much of her first year. I will always be grateful for that.

*Thanks to Dr. Seuss

Big A, Little a, what begins with A?

Aunt Annie's alligator...A, a, A*

So I've happened upon a number of blogs lately that have been doing gratitude lists, one letter at a time. I've been overwhelmed and wanting to write, but not knowing how. This seemed like a good idea to get me going. We'll see how 26 days goes!

But here is my list for A:

• A (aka Baby Girl for blog purposes) ~ she is the joy in my life, the way her whole face lights up when she sees me, the way she snuggles into my arms, says "mamam" and pats me when she's excited to see me, the way I can see her mind working as she figures things out, the toothy grin and her infectious giggle, and her love of books--so much so that I have Big A, Little a memorized (among others!)
• Anniversaries ~ today is my 8th wedding anniversary, sometimes it feels like it can't possibly have been that long that we've been married and other times it feels like we've been together forever (in a good way)
• Alone time ~ summer has been crazy and chaotic and basically involved no time to myself, but there have been moments and there will be moments coming up soon for which I am grateful

It seems like there should be so much more. Perhaps I'll have to come and add later today. The good news is that I'm thinking of lots of things for other letters! Maybe those will come easier.

ETA:

• Automatic transmission ~ as I was driving around between nursing home visits this afternoon, I realized how grateful I am that I don't have to worry about gears or clutches and can instead go on a kind of auto-pilot and think (about things that begin with a)...oh, I'm sure I could learn to drive a manual transmission, but I'm glad I don't HAVE to
• ATMs ~ not so much to get cash, but to check the balance quickly without having to enter a month of reciepts into the computer program
• A (different A than Baby Girl) ~ my BFF, though somehow those letters make our relationship seem trivial. A has been my friend forever, though we didn't always know it. We were born the same day (within 2 hours) at the same hospital and our moms shared a hospital room. We went to different elementary schools, but met in junior high and became forever friends. We aren't always the best at being in touch and can go for months without communicating and years without seeing each other. But when we get together, we fall back into easy friendship. And that is a blessing.
• Aunties ~ growing up, I was very close to my aunties (my mom's two sisters) and great-aunts (my grandma's sisters). Only one great-aunt is left and it's hard to make time to see my aunties, but I'm glad for the presence they all were in my life.
• August ~ the month--sure, after all it is my birth month, but also the only grandpa I remember. He loved me, his baby grandchild, fiercely and protectively, especially after my dad died. Unfortunately, his mind started to leave him a few short years after that and his body not much later. He meant more to me than I can say.

*thanks to Dr. Seuss

Overwhelmed

I am feeling so utterly overwhelmed by so much that I don't even know where to begin. Here's hoping that writing this post will help...if I get it written.

This spring Hubby and I decided that yes, he could do his annual summer job out of state--about an hour and half away from our home. Not that long of a distance, but for a 24/7 job that means living in a hotel room away from Baby Girl and me, long enough. And with no babysitter for the summer--since he's in education and would be home. Yeah. We thought, hoped, prayed that he'd have a principal job lined up and be able to forgo the summer job. Didn't happen. So...thankfully grandmas and friends are willing to help. But since grandmas live a distance away...it means they come to stay. And that has its own challenges. I'm still the parent and though I have help, I'm the primary caregiver. And it's a balancing act of letting grandma do things her way compared to the way I'd do them.

My mom left yesterday morning. Baby Girl and I are home alone today. Baby Girl's godmother comes for the day tomorrow. MIL comes on Saturday. Hubby will come home on Monday BUT did get a principal job, but one that doesn't require a move. He starts on Tuesday with that and we didn't line up our childcare until August 3, so MIL is staying until Friday morning.

And then, senior pastor is gone for three weeks--nearly two down near. In that time, in addition to the usual stuff, I had a wedding and now have a funeral tomorrow. Funeral tomorrow wouldn't be so bad except they are only having the visitation an hour before (deceased was 92 so most friends are gone) and have family time just before that which means they will be at the church by 8 a.m. My friend wasn't going to arrive until between 8 and 8:30 since I normally go in between 8:30 and 9. I'm going to call her today in hopes she can arrive a bit earlier. Our office manager is awesome, so she'll get the funeral home help in getting settled which helps so much. But sermon for both the funeral and the weekend is not done.

And, next week, office manager will be gone too.

Oh, and did I mention that Baby Girl is teething and/or has a cold and we are weaning. So we have Velcro Girl.

And I wanted to move 2 years ago. And now was encouraged to interview at a place about 30 minutes from here and so have to decide if I should and update my papers for a congregation if I do. And it's 30 minutes from my home in the opposite direction of the 30 minutes hubby will have to drive for his new job. And he thinks he would only stay at this job a couple years and I don't want to do that to a congregation--because even if I interviewed today, there'd be time before starting (if it was the right call in my mind and theirs) there would be transition time, so I could potentially only be there a year and then look to move and that is just not fair to a congregation. But it would be a solo position which would be good experience.

Plus I was sick the first week senior pastor was gone, so I got little done except the bare necessities and now all these things have piled up. School starts in our district on August 13, so there's lot of organizing for fall that needs to happen now. And I have jury duty on August 17th.

So...I think that about cover it. I've held off Velcro Girl while I wrote this and now she's stuck in something so will tend to her.

Few Words

Yesterday was my day off and since Hubby is out of town for his summer job, Baby Girl and I were home alone all day. And, I suddenly realized, at least one reason it is so exhausting to be home with her alone all day. There are so few words.

When I'm home alone alone, I usually have the tv on for background noise. I don't want her watching tv, so I don't have it on. Other spaces, I usually have the radio on if I'm alone. When I'm in the office, even if there's no talking, I'm still surrounded by words--written though, either on computer or in books.

Baby Girl says a few words, but more or less, the only words are in the books we read (which though there are many books, the vocabularly is still quite limited) or in the words I say. And when it comes to spoken words, being surrounded by only mine--not so exciting.

Hmm, guess we should listen to the radio. But Grandma J. comes tomorrow for about 2 weeks, so there will be words again!

Quiet and Chaos

It is nearly absolute quiet in my house. Baby Girl is sleeping (despite the wailing siren of the ambulance that just went by). Hubby is away--gone for the month for his summer job. Grandma J. will be coming on Wednesday to babysit while I work. So tonight through Wednesday, I'm on my own with Baby Girl. I'm sure we'll do fine, but right now the house is so quiet!

In the midst of the chaos of daily life, of poopy diapers, of little fingers getting into mischief, of balancing work and home, of not getting dishes washed or floors vacuumed, of toys spread out throughout the house and toys not as appealing as whatever it is Mommy and Daddy are trying to accomplish, I crave the quiet.

Now, in the quiet--I crave the chaos. I have forced myself to leave the tv off, to listen only to the sounds of my fingers on the keyboard, the ceiling fans whirring above my head, the cars speeding past the windows, the occasional boom of (I'm sure) illegal firework, and even that siren. (Which I wonder if will return or head another route to a hospital.) In the quiet, I feel so alone, so disconnected.

I have a to-do list a mile long. There is so much I 'should' do right now while I have the quiet and no little hands vying for my attention. But all I want to do is lose myself in something outside of my life--a tv show, a book, a magazine, a blog. I don't want to be Mommy at the moment; I don't want to be wife at the moment; and I certainly don't want to be Pastor. Those titles all feel so full of chaos.

But yet, those define me--perhaps not all of me, but me in this season. And so I guess I'll turn the tv on, tidy up some spaces, and give thanks for both the quiet and the chaos.

Sermonizing

So I'm working on a sermon for this weekend that is turning out to be much more difficult than I anticipated. We are doing a new summer program for families at church this year. This Sunday's event is basically on of our usual liturgies (a contemporary-ish setting) with just a few tweaks--a few things taken out so it is shorter and song selections that are a bit more 'kid-friendly.' We decided to have no children's sermon and no 'regular' sermon, but just one. In many ways, it will be more like a children's sermon. My plan is to make a circle of parents with their kids in a circle in front of them. This way parents are still in charge of their own kids if they are wandering (instead of having all the kids up front with me). The challenging part is that I thought it would be easier to do this same sermon for our traditional services as well--now I'm not sure about that. So I'm struggling as I'm trying to write it. Plus--in theory, I'm on vacation this week, so I sorely lack motivation. I think the real reason I convinced myself it would be easier is that I just don't want to write another sermon. But, I must write at least one now!!

Really?

I don't think I'm a particularly closed-minded or conservative person, but perhaps I am. All I know is that I find it very disturbing that my stepdaughter's mother allowed her to get her bellybutton pierced--at not quite 16 years old. I'm trying to put myself in her position and I just can't get to a place where I'd allow it. If Baby Girl gets her belly-button pierced once she's 18 and out of high school, I won't kick her out of the house or anything...but before that? I don't think I could allow it.