Radio Messages

There are some who would say that a certain song being played on the radio is a sign from God. I am not one of them. I don't believe that God will cause a dj to pick a certain song to play just because I need to hear it. I do, however, think that God can stir my heart so that I pay particular attention to a certain song.

This morning on my long drive to New Church, a song that I've come to love came on the radio. Some of the words are "I don’t wanna go through the motions I don’t wanna go one more day Without Your all consuming passion inside of me I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking What if I had given everything? Instead of going through the motions." This song had become somewhat of a mantra the last year (years?) at First Church. I felt like I was just shuffling along, doing what needed to be done, but it was mostly about going through the motions and I wanted to be giving and doing more, but not there. This morning, the song came on and I turned up the radio and all of a sudden it was quiet.

Hmm, I thought. And I turned the radio off and back on and then just decided to wait. I found out later that the tower had been struck by lightning which caused them to go off the air for a few minutes. And I really don't think God had lightning strike that tower just so I'd hear certain songs. But the words that came on mid-song when service resumed, "this is where the healing begins, this is where the healing begins."

I wasn't wounded, but I was disheartened. I was tired and 'going through the motions.' Now, I'm further along a path. I'm in a new place; I'm excited and looking forward. Thanks God--for this new place and for the songs.

Day One

Today's my first day at my new church. I drove down this morning for a women's group--5 ladies and me. It was a much smaller day than my first day at First Church, but a good one. And someone/they had cleaned out my office. Yes, there is still a bookshelf full of things--many of which I'm not sure I want/need or even that they want/need. But it's tidy and clearly an effort was put into it and that means a lot! Small children even made 'welcome pastor' signs. It feels really nice. I will be installed tomorrow during worship and potluck welcome will follow. Then will begin the sharp learning curve!!

On the way home, I drove past First Church and my name was still on the sign. As long as we live here, I'm debating just watching to see when it comes down. (As opposed to emailing and saying--hey, my name's on the sign).

The rest of today is lots of work at home, hopefully going to get a haircut and getting ready for tomorrow and a new week. And a new schedule--Baby Girl will go to daycare 4 days a week--at least for now. I'm going to take Fridays off--because I finally can. Lots of driving will happen in the forseeable future. I need to get some books I think.

It's new and exciting--like many May 1sts have been for me. It's scary too, but in a good way. I just need to stay focused and grounded and not allow more worries than necessary to creep in. It'll be okay; it'll be good. As my CPE supervisor made me say to myself so often that I made a sign of it for my desk, "I am more competent than I think and more capable than I realize." Darn him for being right!

That and deep breaths and prayers and excited hugs and cuddles from Baby Girl when I get home will see me through.

Oddness

I am home alone today--ALONE. I'm so very rarely home all by myself it feels very weird. I took Baby Girl to daycare as it is her usual day. I went to church and finished cleaning out my office and turned in my key. And I still forgot to look at the sign to see if they have taken my name off. I might just have to do that this afternoon to satisfy my curiosity.

I start at new church tomorrow--I really need pseudonyms. I have been invited to a women's gathering that is pretty early in the morning and I'm not sure I want to go. I even said that I didn't think I would, but I will. I was hoping to have the day home with hubby to keep working on our house. I guess it's more important that I start down there. I will go and then spend time starting to get my office in order. Unless the members went in this week, I have to clean up the stuff left by the interim. I realize that not everyone is as neat/spotless as me--at least when it comes to leaving places for other people, but I can dream.

It feels very odd to be done at the first church, maybe I'll call it that (First Church) as it was my first call. But new place--what to call it?

Anyway, it's just an odd place to be in--this in-between place. And not moving home yet and not even having a date on the horizon. When we moved here, we had our house for sale or maybe even sold with the closing set for the end of the month. Now we don't even have our house listed.

Hubby is looking for new job options for himself so he wants to hold off just a bit more as a different job would impact our home options and location needs, so.... However, I have this goal. We will be ready to take pictures for our on-line ad by Friday next week--a week from today. I'm going to take Fridays off in the new place, so it'll be my next day home. We may still have a few things to do--like clean closets, etc. we can take photos anyhow.

Wow--this was really boring. I thought I had more exciting thoughts. I guess I'm tired.

Frustrations in Moving, Part 2

House hunting--maybe? I found an awesome house on-line. From what I can tell on-line. I really really want to go see it, but we don't have ours ready to list yet. And, do we call a realtor we know? Especially since we are going to try to sell on our own. Or do we just call for an appointment? Or do we wait? Ugh.


I have too many books--too, too many. I am in the midst of boxing and packing and I have so many. I just want to be done packing my office!

And I'm packing to procrastinate the sermon writing. My final sermon here is this weekend. I have a one paragraph idea of what I want to say. It needs to be longer, but I just can't get into it. It will come--it always does.

Frustrations in Moving

Oh--there are many, and many more to be sure, but this is today....

MIL and FIL here to 'help'--brought with almost 3 year old nephew--who is getting along fairly well with almost 2 year old Baby Girl--but finding jobs for MIL to do is challenging. She wants to be helping but doesn't realize that occupying the kids is more help than having the tv babysit them while she tries to clean something

Trying to box somethings but leave enough that staging the house will be good. We want to get it on the market soon and start looking. So packing, but not packing everything. It's a challenge. We did decide to rent a storage unit today. Decided it was worth it compared to the hassle of sending things home with MIL/FIL to store for us.

And packing, packing, and stopping because all the boxes are in one of the two rooms where toddlers are now napping. Need to get something done but not sure what at this point--need help from Hubby but also know that he needs to be working on the garage

But...it's Easter, it's a new beginning, a new start...

My Easter sermon involved talking about playing peek-a-boo with Baby Girl...must remember her joyous smile!

To Do Lists

My 'to do' list at my current congregation is getting shorter and shorter. It is feeling good to mark things off the list. The list doesn't include lots of things like packing up my office and turning over files, etc. but rather the tasks, the events, the sermons.

I'm trying not to start my 'to do' list for my new congregation too soon. But things are already creeping onto it.

And, don't get me started on the home to do list--yikes! Lots to do to get our house ready to sell; once we list it we can start doing serious house-hunting in the new town. It's not looking really great in our price range, but we'll manage.

Number one, however, on my list is the item I'm struggling with--Easter morning sermon. Have seriously been lacking sermon mojo here for some time; I was hopeful knowing change is coming would help. Not so far. I'll get there somehow; I always do. Just wish it felt more like a gift of the Spirit to have the opportunity to preach here and now and less like an item on my to do list.

St. Patrick's Day

Okay--really not at all about St. Patrick's Day--just couldn't think of a better title. Tomorrow is the day that the letter goes in the mail and the church council finds out. Friday I'll be making some calls to some people that I think might want to hear directly from me. I'm nervous about this part even as I'm excited about the future. Prayers appreciated.

Expectations and Hopes

For now I will just say that things went as I hoped on Sunday. Now there are lots of expectations. I will write more soon.

Cutie

Apparently we aren't the only ones who think our Baby Girl is a cutie. Last night we went to my stepdaughter's choir concert. As we waiting for the concert to begin, a little girl about 8 or so came over. "Excuse me, ma'am. Can I take a picture of your baby?" I said sure. She used a cell phone and took a picture. As she and her giggly friend walked away, she said, "We'll have to keep that one." It made me giggle. There were lots of other babies/toddlers there and Baby Girl was by far the cutest! :)

Inquiring Minds Want to Know

Okay--so 2 out of 3 readers want to know what's going on with me and a possible new call. And this is a lovely procrastination tool for the sermon that doesn't seem to want to get written for this weekend.

A congregation about 45 minutes from here will be voting whether or not to extend me a call on Sunday, March 7th. Their proposal for compensation was well below synod guidelines and even more below what I'm receiving in my current setting. (Because of insurance coverage costs.) My hubby and I met with them and proposed a middle ground--I took him with, it was ridiculous not to--we make financial decisions together and it would have delayed the process to have to talk to him before agreeing. So, I still would be making less than here/less than guidelines, but Baby Girl would have insurance coverage along with me and we think the 'quality of life' benefits would outweigh the cost. And Hubby could keep his job though we'd move closer to the new place. (He currently drives about 15-20 minutes in the direction of the new place from where we are now.) So, this tiny, struggling financially congregation will be voting on calling me AND a salary package bigger than they had budgeted for. So...we'll see.

And I'm okay because lots of things make it seem like it will happen, though it's by no means a done deal. And, if it doesn't happen, Hubby is committed to doing everything in his power to get a new job for himself to get me out of here!

So...there you have it. Now to the sermon for this weekend! Brilliant ideas on that are welcome! Somehow I've never preached on this particular Sunday of the church year, so I really have nothing.

Keeping My Mouth Shut

I am writing this because I need to keep my mouth shut.

I remember baptizing this little boy who died, marking his forehead with the sign of the cross. "Child of God, you have been sealed by the Holy Spirit and marked with the cross of Christ forever." I remember his bright blue eyes, the way he was one of the first children I ever made real eye contact with as they were baptized--believing, knowing, he looked into my eyes as I said these words to him. I remember when he was diagnosed and telling his mom that I didn't know what to say, but if there was anything I could do--come over and wash dishes even--I would. I read his website faithfully, trying to be connected when he did not get out of the house much and the family had supports beside us for actual visits. (Though we talked regularly with the parents.) I have felt more than once that I was to be here to do his funeral--most strongly felt that when I was discerning whether or not to move 2ish years ago.

And now, I will be involved in the funeral, but not preaching. And I began to question, was I really not the one who poured the baptismal waters? Am I thinking of the wrong little boy? But my pastoral reports indeed say that I presided at this baptism. According to senior pastor, he's preaching because he presided at the baptism. And I wonder--did that come from him or the family? If they remember him, fine. But if he doesn't remember....

I obviously would never say something to the family. Losing your 6 year old son is more than enough grief. I want to say something to senior pastor, but what good would it do? So, I'm keeping my mouth shut. I will do my best at the funeral and I will do my best to love the family.

God claimed this little boy in the waters anyway--I was just the hands; it could have be any hands. And now God has claimed this little boy again--for all eternity. I've got to get out of the way.

Not about me, but about me

So...I am hopefully done playing nurse to my family. Hubby is on the mend--feels good today. Sees eye doctor tomorrow. Baby Girl was her full, happy, bubbly, perky self this morning. She see's doc on Friday just to be sure.

I need desperately to get my sermon for tomorrow written, but just got a sad phone call (for lack of a better word). A little boy was just admitted to a hospice house this morning--he has outlived his diagnosis for much longer than any of us expected. My heart aches for this family--this little boy whose forehead I marked with the sign of the cross on his baptismal day just over 6 years ago.

A few years ago, I thought I was going to move, but had this nagging feeling that I was supposed to stay until I did his funeral. Well--I didn't move then--for lots of reasons. And now--in just a few weeks, a different congregation will be voting to extend me a call. (It's by no means definite; money is a huge factor but that's another post.) If they do call me, it'll be a few months yet before moving. Just recently I said to my hubby, I haven't thought about this boy's funeral for some time. But today, I wonder. Is this what I am here for?

So What's Next?

A toddler with a double ear infection.

And raspy chest so on medicine for that too so that it doesn't turn to pneumonia.

Seriously?

So my iphone wouldn't cooperate with attempt #1--which would not have been complete because that was Sunday morning.

Blogger/my computer ate attempt #2.

Here's #3...

Seriously, how much more can we take?

I spent from 3 a.m. to 10:30 a.m. Sunday morning with my hubby in the ER
(Add this to the list of why I'm glad I'm an associate for now--my role for Sunday morning services was to lead worship/preside--senior could manage on his own quite nicely)

He is 'a freak of nature'--the doctor's term, really. Apparently people don't have 2 kidney stones (1 in each kidney) at the same time--at least very often.

Saw the urologist Monday a.m., which ended up involving a 'procedure'--code for knocking hubby out and putting stents in each tube from each kidney to bladder. Stones broke up with the scope so they should just pass, stents will be removed next week. But now there is pain from the procedure--mostly just when he pees, but also some pain from the stents being put in.

The good news, seriously, in all of this is that my mom was in town, so Baby Girl did not have to go with to either. She was able to stay asleep in her bed and then have someone who loved her and know her routine to wake up to. She's confused, we can tell. But she is loved. And it made 7 hours in the ER and hours in the waiting room at the surgery center much more bearable knowing whose hands she was in.

Add to this a waiting game for me about something potentially significant and I'm fried. Trying very hard to finish Sunday's sermon today so I can start on Ash Wednesday tomorrow. Yucky weather here, so at least when I go home this early afternoon I do not have to come back out for a meeting I was supposed to have. That's something at least.

Can we go back to 2009?

2010 is off to an officially crappy start. I've avoided writing about some of it because it seemed like it would 'out' me, but really if anyone knows me, the last post already did. I've told on Baby Girl a lot. What can I say, she is the bright light of every day! Sometimes the only light.

So here's the year so far:

January 1-2 ~ No big deal. Hubby, Baby Girl, and I went out for a really early dinner on December 31 and then came home and settled in for the night. She went to bed at her normal time (7:30/8 p.m.) and we watched the ball drop in New York (so 11 p.m. our time) and went to sleep. The days were home and uneventful.

January 3 ~ Morning worship--not a big deal, except upon leaving from colleague. "Oh, did so-and-so talk to you? They want to come see you on Tuesday." Leaving me with guesses but unsure about topic.

January 5 ~ First day back in the office after a week off. So-and-so calls to set up appointment, colleague does give me a bit of history about what topic will be. Meet with him--blog later (the sermon I want to write versus the sermon I need to write.)

January 7 ~ 6 p.m. Short version -- Hubby gets hit in the eye with a flying rock. Serious injury. Crappy weather. Friend takes us all (including Baby Girl) to emergency room. Arrive home 10 p.m. after two ERs due to stupid hospital system

January 8 ~ Crappy weather, friend takes hubby to eye doc so as to disturb Baby Girl less, hubby to be on at least 5 days of bed rest, pills, and numerous drops. Frantically arrange care for girl for Saturday evening worship and Sunday morning. Oh yeah, and try to finish sermon.

January 9 ~ a.m. visit doc, eye looking good

January 10 ~ 2 a.m. hubby wakes me up in severe eye pain and seeing (or not as the case may be) as he did right after rock, 6 a.m. call senior pastor and give him two options--I don't come to worship/important Sunday School event I'm part of or his wife takes hubby to eye doc when he calls. senior pastor goes with option 2. Rebleed--really, really bad for eye--increase drugs and bed rest

January 10 ~ 8:30 a.m. with Baby Girl go get oil changed, p.m. in-laws arrive and I take hubby to doctor

rest of the week ~ someone takes hubby to doctor every day, either FIL, me or both ~ I try to work and try to maintain some sense of normalcy in my home and with Baby Girl

January 17 ~ morning between services--pre-annual meeting meeting that I don't attend because it could get ugly regarding me and colleague, in-laws leave so FIL can have hernia surgery on Monday, hubby's eye improving

January 20 ~ ice storm, but get hubby to eye doc before it's bad to hear things are looking good--eliminate pills, keep drops, no need to see doc again until Wednesday

January 21 ~ a.m. hubby sees retina specialist, can't see retina as well as would like so needs to come back Monday, still really icy--don't want to have friend come out to watch Baby Girl so I can attend potentially horrid council meeting while hubby (who can finally drive) can go to older daughter's 7 p.m. recital, 5 p.m. hubby finds out that recital is at 6 p.m. an hour away--franctically prepares to go and take Baby Girl with, 9 p.m. I arrive home not long after them, 10 p.m. go to sleep, 11:30 p.m. woken up by hubby saying something about "kidney beans"--he's in severe pain--we do online research, call doctors, etc. --self-diagnose kidney stones, he's in bad shape

January 22 ~ 1 a.m. head to ER, loading up Baby Girl from sleeping--she stays asleep through move and all the way to the ER, wakes up then--about 2 a.m. is awake until 4 a.m. in the ER, hubby is definitively diagnosed with kidney stone, given loads of pain meds and sent home, 3:45 Baby Girl starts to melt down tremendously, I want to cry (she really was a trooper through it all--she's such a good, happy girl, we are so lucky!), 4:30 a.m. arrive home, sleeping Baby Girl stays asleep for transfer back to bed, 5 a.m. I curl up to sleep, 6:30 a.m. Baby Girl awake and ready to go! Hubby snoring away from all the heavy duty pain meds, I manage to get Baby Girl to watch some tv so I can doze until 7:30 a.m., 7:45 a.m. wake up hubby to watch her while I shower, 8 a.m. leave to take Baby Girl to daycare and head to pick up prescriptions for hubby, taken those home, 9:30 a.m. arrive in office--spend day (with exception of one home communion visit) trying to stay awake and write sermon for this weekend--which is annual meeting and potentially hurtful and the texts are about being the church (as I read them)--there seems to be a lot at stake.

Oh--and no time for this, but hubby has new job, don't know how many sick days he really has nor what his insurance covers; he had to buy insurance at this job and he's never sick, so I don't know which one he picked. We've seen no bills yet, but yikes...it cannot be good.

I want to go back to 2009. 2010 is not off to a good start.

Crayons

This morning, Baby Girl was playing with crayons, which I took away when she started saying, 'icky' and I noticed red chunks around her mouth. (She has been told repeatedly not to eat crayons and also had them taken away for doing so.) I put them away in a different spot than usual and she saw that. She cried a bit, but got over it. We played and she said goodbye to me as usual--with hugs, kisses, waves, etc. I left for work about 8:15 a.m.

When I came home around 3 p.m., she didn't come running like usual. I came in and said, "where's my girl?" She looked at me, pointed, and said "crayons." I replied, "can I have a hug?" She looked at me, pointed, and said "crayons." I went over to her to try to hug her; "crayons," she said. I encouraged her to ask nicely (i.e. saying please) which she did. Then I gave back her crayons, asked for a hug and she happily obliged.

That girl forgets nothing! But obviously can hold a grudge, but not forever. I usually rock her to drowsy and then put her in her crib. Tonight, she wanted to be held until asleep. I would try to move her and she'd say, "NO" and push me back in the chair. She was quite content to snuggle. She makes me so happy. I still can't believe how much I love her!

The Sermon I Want to Write vs. the Sermon I Need to Write

So, the lectionary is a good thing, yes? I knew this week was Baptism of Our Lord for a long time, knowing I'd be preaching. I hadn't looked at the texts closely prior to Tuesday morning. When Isaiah's/God's words struck me the most. "I have called you by name, you are mine." (The text is Isaiah 43:1-7.) And others..."you are precious in my sight; I love you." Words that most of us need to hear more often than we do. I read these on Tuesday morning, just after having been given a heads-up that I was going to have someone come in to talk to me in the afternoon as a follow-up to an evaluation given 2 plus years ago. The story is much more drawn out than I have in me. The conversation went well, but here are the highlights. I don't talk about myself enough in my sermons. (Really--I was taught that sermons should be about, I don't know, GOD.) I am not 'friendly' enough in the narthex before/after services. (Really--when you rush to put your coat on or make a closed circle to talk with your friends, I'm not going to interrupt you unless I have something more specific than good morning to say.) I've been here nearly 7 years; these aren't new things...but I can only change so much. Especially when I found out this follow-up (so late) is because a handful of people thought that they should 'eliminate the position' for 2010. At least council said, "no--if this was part of the evaluation 2 years ago, we need to follow up on it rather than having done nothing than told her that 2 years ago...and we don't agree on the step of eliminating the position."

Anyway, Tuesday night/Wednesday morning at 1 a.m. Baby Girl wakes up. I listen to her whine/moan/cry through the moniter about 15 minutes and then go hold her, rocking her for 1/2 hour before she settles down. Just long enough to be fully awake and hear the words echoing in my head that I'm not good enough. (And continuing to echo for at least an hour more after I get back in my bed.) I never have been and never will be. The good news is that I also had the words of Isaiah/God echoing around in there. "You are precious in my sight and I love you. I created you. You are mine."

So the sermon I want to write is basically this..."You want to hear more about me. How about this? I'm a shy quiet introvert who wants you to learn about me by taking time to talk to me, not by sharing stories from the pulpit. From here, I want you to hear about God. But today, how about this? In my life, I've hardly ever felt good enough...and Tuesday I was told I wasn't good enough to be here, to be standing before you. So I spent hours awake with that echoing in my head. The good news is that I had God's voice too--and too bad for you, that's the one I'm going to listen to. If I'm not good enough for you, fine. I am God's beloved and I am doing the best I can to be who God made me--and it's not by telling stories about myself or about shaking more hands after worship."

And the sermon I need to write is not quite the same....It will be about all of us needing to hear Isaiah's/God's words echoing in our minds. I just first have to get through the sermon I want to write and to hear the sermon I need to hear in order to get to the sermon they need to hear.

Sickness, Snow Days and My Little Extrovert

Due to winter weather and a touch of sickness, we've spent much of the last week inside. Tuesday, Baby Girl went to daycare, but I picked her up early because of tummy troubles that wouldn't allow her to remain at daycare. Let's just say she was on her 3rd outfit of the day. Wednesday is usually a work-at-home day, but we go out to a text study meeting. We didn't because of snow and Daddy was home from work too--no school! Thursday was cold...cold...cold! But, Daddy and I tag-teamed work in order to keep Baby Girl home (though looking at the day, she probably could have gone to daycare). There was no school, but Daddy wanted to get work done, so he worked in the morning and I went to work for the afternoon. About 4 p.m. I called to say that I'd be heading home and Daddy asked if we wanted to go out to pick up some groceries and get out of the house. I agreed as long as they were ready as soon as I got home so the car would be nice and warm for Baby Girl. I pulled in the driveway and we still debated, but decided to go. Apparently, when we hung up, he had said to Baby Girl, "find your socks and shoes" and she couldn't find them/get to the door fast enough! Well...my little girl is such an extrovert! She was so happy and exicted to be out. She said "hi" to everyone in the store, even staring down the cashier until the cashier replied. Guess it was good to get out!

So really, not a very exciting post, but it's a wonderful procrastination tool!

Need vs. Want

I should be working...I'm in my office where the afternoon is unusually quiet; that means I'm working, right? Never mind that I'm reading blogs and checking personal email and texting my hubby. I will leave soon to pick up Baby Girl from daycare; she's 17 months old now. I think I need a different nickname, but I digress.

Knowing tomorrow will be a busy day of appointments, I want to get a sermon written for this weekend--maybe it's even a need. But it's not happening. I'm managing to stay on top of other work things and maybe even enjoying some of them. But not preaching. It seems to be such a struggle lately. And yet, I look longingly at a potential D.Min program at my alma mater. But I've become a horrible preacher. My habits are atrocious; I am very disappointed in myself. I would be embarrassed to tell my preaching professor, a person who I admire so much, a person who has also so often been my pastor.

I can't decide if my bad preaching is a symptom or the problem. I am so very done here in this place. I need something that will be rejuvenating and life-giving. I'm hopeful about a continuing ed. event this summer, but details are still very fuzzy and senior pastor is already having a fit about how he'll fit taking youth on a mission trip and get his vacation in this summer, especially if I'll be gone any of it. (Never mind that I agreed to go to the week of confirmation camp and also am entitled to vacation time. Heaven forbid that we get a supply pastor even though it's in the budget.)

I want to be a better preacher--I need to. Yes, God can work through all sorts of garbage, but I've got to get out of the way. Right now, I feel squarely in the way. I find all sorts of things to do to avoid sermon writing because I feel like such a failure.

At text study this week, I said that I wasn't sure where I'm going exactly (I have a designated theme because of a program we are doing). I said, "I think I just need to start writing and see what happens." I just haven't been able to bring myself to start. Sometimes I need to sit with paper and pencil. Perhaps late tonight after evening meeting. Who needs sleep, right?

QRSTUVWXY and Z

I haven't posted for a month, but I just can't let this thing go. I feel like I need to complete this before I post anything else...despite having had other things that would mostly likely develop into much more interesting posts. But for my sake...completing an alphabet of gratitude!

Q

• Quilts ~ both for warmth and beauty
• Quiet moments ~ quiet moments in my heart are treasured more so than actual volume, though I do appreciate times of actual quiet too

R

• Reading ~ don't do as much as I'd like right now

S

• Sunshine ~ I sometimes wonder if I really do suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder. I need sunshine!

T

• Texting ~ a new way for my hubby and I to communicate

U

• Umbrellas? ~ really, all I can think of this moment that begins with u

V

• VeggieTales ~ Baby Girl LOVES Bob the Tomato--these are a huge help in the morning when I must get ready and need to know she's occupied while I shower

W

• Winter memories ~ I hate cold and mostly hate winter, but winter memories from my childhood are some of my favorite.

X

• xylophone ~ Baby Girl loves to play hers

Y

• You ~ I know I don't write often anymore, if I ever did, but it's nice to know someone might actually read this. (And I know there are a few of you who do at least occasionally.)

Z

• Zippers ~ crazy thing to be grateful for I know, but I prefer zippers to buttons on sweaters--they feel warmer somehow in the midst of winter

Okay--done--perhaps others will come to me and I'll add them. Hopefully instead I will just post more.

JKLMNOP

I really had good intentions of doing this gratitude posting; I did. But I would also find myself tired at the end of the day and without the brain power to put thoughts into words, especially thoughtful words. I also found myself without time throughout the day to post--except while at work while trying to be more efficient so as to have less to do on my 'work-at-home' days and to not feel so overwhelmed. So...this fell away. At the same time, I'm OCD enough that I can't just fully admit it and then let it go...I need to at least make a list of a few things for each letter. So today (or actually composed in weeks)...JKLMNOP



J

• J and J ~ my great-grandparents, though I never knew them, their stories have shaped me, their decisions to leave the 'old country' and come to the US, their lives before and after that move, their daughter my grandma
• Jonquils ~ don't really know how they are different from daffodils, but I love both and I think 'jonquils' is a fun word
• Jury duty ~ can't say I want to do this anytime again soon, but it was definitely an educational experience! I wouldn't mind serving again in the distant future

K

• kisses ~ Baby Girl will kiss pictures, particularly of doggies (or bow-wows as she says), and daddy and her bear and toys...but they are hard-won gifts for me. I think she associates giving me kisses with me going away and so doesn't want to give them...despite that I give her lots of kisses all the time. Yesterday, she would kiss a picture of me, but not me. I don't understand.
• kisses--the Hershey variety, particularly with almonds ~ I posted about these some time ago, maybe I'll get ambitious later and create a link

L

• lists ~ I'm a list maker. They help keep me semi-focused on things that need to be accomplished
• light ~ preferably natural light. I don't care if the house warms up in the afternoon, I want lots of light coming in. I hate the darkness of the winter; it sucks the life out of me. I love how long the light is in the summer. During that time of year, I think I could live near the arctic circle.

M

• music ~ I may not have any natural musical talent, but I love music.
• milk ~ I drank soy until age 5, but quickly developed a love for milk. When I go to my mom's, she always says she had to buy extra milk because her calf is home. Even though I love milk, I should have known something was up when I drank a whole gallon by myself in the 24 hours before Baby Girl was born. This is also probably why producing milk for her was not a challenge for me, at least according to my doctor.

N

• nighttime ~ particularly nights without meetings, the quiet nights when we are home together as a family and I can snuggle and rock Baby Girl to sleep
• newness ~ for right now I think I'm grateful for the little new things because I am so craving bigger newness

O

• order ~ I like 'a place for everything and everything in its place.' I'm learning to let some of that go as I realize that a 16 month old just can't do it. I haven't fully given up on the 38 year old who also lives in my house though.
• once upon a time ~ okay, a stretch, I admit--but stories and those stories that so easily lend themselves to being pulled into and stories that take us away to new places

P

• pens and pencils ~ some particular ones in fact, I love variety in these, of playing with new ones and colors. I do more and more on the computer, but sometimes I just need to physically write.
• peas ~ Baby Girl's current favorite vegetable

Big I, Little i, what begins with I?

Itchy, itchy Ichabod...I, i, I*

Has it really been two weeks? Wow...it's been a crazy few weeks; I started this list in my head two weeks ago...

• internet ~ really, don't know what I'd do without it
• income ~ two steady incomes in fact, incomes not affected by the economic downturn
• ice cream ~ especially chocolate from our particular midwestern grocery store chain...yum
• instructions ~ I like instructions--even if I sometimes choose to ignore them

I guess I'll say that's enough for 'i' and hope that I get back into this blogging habit soon.


*Dr. Seuss

Big H, little h, what begins with H?

Hungry horse, hen in hat...H, h, H*

• House ~ I'm grateful that we have a house, a nice house, probably more house than we need.
• Home ~ But a house isn't the same as a home for me. We have a home, a place where there is love and family and togetherness.
• Home for my words ~ I'm grateful for this blog, for a place to write and how it has helped me connect with others.
• Help ~ It's hard for me to ask for help, but when it's offered in love, I'm grateful.
• Hands ~ When I think about it, it's pretty amazing what hands can do.
• Heat (but not HOT weather) ~ I am usually cold, so I'm grateful for some heat. But I'm not crazy about hot, humid weather. I'm thinking more about winter here and how grateful I am for our wood burner and how toasty warm our house can get.

*Dr. Seuss

Big G, little g, what begins with G?

Goat and goo-goo goggles, G..g..G*

I've been thinking about G for some time and actually have had quite a list in my head for the whole week since I last posted, but I had to make time today. A nerve was hit for me today and I know it shouldn't have been but it was. A woman going through unspeakable grief commented on a blog of hers a feeling she had when a bunch of us started doing this "ABCs" of gratitude thing. It feels fake and insincere to her--my words for how I read her...I own it that is my take on what she wrote. But it hit a nerve because maybe it started somewhat flippantly, but I am choosing to keep doing this because I need to. Writing is something that has always been life-giving and healing to me. And I have been wanting and needing to write, but not having the motivation to begin. Having a reason, a purpose, a silly tool of the alphabet is motivation. I feel stuck right now, and while it's not her unspeakable pain, it's my pain, my heartbreak, my need. And it helps me to focus on the good things, the things I'm grateful for so that I can think beyond the stuck-ness. And so...my list for G--in no particular order....

• Grace ~ on so many levels, mainly God's grace--grace that pours over and fills up and sustains and keeps me going even when I don't feel like it or even necessarily feel it, but also the simple grace extended by others...not minding that it took almost 2 weeks to return a phone call or the thoughtfulness of a door held
• Grief ~ really? especially after the opening paragraph? Yes. My grief may not be as dramatic or horrible as many others have experienced. But when I look at my circle of close friends, most have experienced very little grief. My dad died 22 years ago when I was not quite 10...rarely a day goes by that I don't experience grief. And that's not the only loss I've faced. And while I would gladly trade this grief for the people or situations that are unrepairable, having experienced what I have makes me a better pastor, better able to sit with death and grief and unanswered questions. And I am grateful for that.
• Giggles ~ particularly those of Baby Girl...why is it that baby giggles are so amazing?
• Gratitude ~ I'm grateful that my life is such that I can be grateful.

It seems that I had a much longer list in my head a few days ago when I didn't have the time. Ah, well. So it goes.

*Dr. Seuss

Big F, Little f, what begins with F?

Four fluffy feathers on a Fiffer-feffer-feff.*

• Freezers ~ I'm very grateful for freezers this week. I threw out my back on Monday, so having a frozen ice pack to use on a regular basis was a must. That--and for the quick, easy, frozen food!
• Flexibility ~ Again, back-related. I didn't think I was really flexible, but now that it hurts to bend certain ways, I am grateful for how flexible I am.
• Flexibility, in less physical terms ~ I am grateful for a flexible schedule. Though I must admit, I would be even more grateful if others could appreciate my flexible schedule. But I'm not dwelling on that--I'm being grateful here!
• Fingers ~ cute, sticky, little fingers and the realization of how much they can do now--of course, it's always all about Baby Girl!
• Friends ~ those with whom it's always possible to fall back into easy friendship, even if time has passed
• Freedom ~ can't really put this one into words

*Of course, it's Dr. Seuss.

Big E, Little E, what begins with E?

Ear, egg, elephant...E, e, E*

• Email ~ I have never, ever been a telephone person. I'm so glad to have email ~ especially for work stuff. I'd much rather send the email than make a call when possible.
  
• Electricity ~ I take it for granted, I know. E's a hard letter for me--guess that's why I thought of it.
• Elephants ~ I probably only thought of them because of Dr. Seuss, but they are pretty amazing creatures.
• Eyes and ears ~ do I really need to comment on this one?
  
• Evenings, especially ones with no meetings this time of year ~ I hate winter for lots of reasons, but primarily because it gets dark so early and I tend to have more meetings. I love having it be light after supper, with free time to decide how to spend. These days, it usually involves outside playtime, a bath, bed for baby, then tidying up the house. Sitting with a cool breeze blowing through the house, the house tidy, the sun gradually setting, time to read or blog or just relax, ahh...

*Thanks to Dr. Seuss

Big D, Little d, what begins with D?

Donuts and a duck-dog, D, d, D*

• Departure ~ of MIL this morning, meaning that tomorrow will be the first full 24 hour day that it's just my hubby, Baby Girl and me home since July 4. I am so ready. I am grateful for her help, and my mom's prior to that, but I'm done sharing my house. I'm a J on Myers-Briggs and I really like my order and don't like it messed with. My husband will tell me to get over it, but the big thing today is what I noticed while playing outside with Baby Girl this afternoon. My MIL (who always has to be doing...) decided to do some re-landscaping of my yard. Okay--if she'd asked, maybe. I don't have time to do lots of yard work; I'm trying to keep things alive that were here. I realize this, but what she did was move lots of the decorative rocks. I couldn't tell you where they all came from, but I do know that they are now covering all the spots where from up close you could see dirt. You know why you can see dirt in those spots? It's because that's where the spring flowers (like ALL the tulips) came through the beds of small rocks. Tulips are my favorites. Okay--venting over for now....this is supposed to be things I'm grateful for.
• D ~ my husband. He's a wonderful daddy and he's very caring. I know I sometimes take him for granted and I know sometimes I get annoyed. After a near week with MIL, it helps me remember some of the things he does he can't help. He's just like her in some things.
• Disposable diapers ~ I know...they are bad for the environment, expensive, etc. But for me, at this point in my life, it was worth it.
• Dishwasher ~ not only because I'm lazy and don't enjoy washing dishes, but because I love knowing that the dishes get clean and sanitized with very hot water.
• Dozing ~ Baby Girl was out of sorts when all left this morning, so I decided we'd snuggle for a bit and watch some TV. She fell asleep and thinking she wouldn't sleep long, I just snuggled with her and ended up dozing with her. She slept about an hour and I probably dozed 1/2 that time.
• Day off ~ Having a day off so I had that luxury. Though since she's down for her real nap, I should really do something that I need to accomplish--like message for Sunday or some laundry or a stack of papers....

*Thanks to Dr. Seuss

Big C, Little c, what begins with C?

Camels on the ceiling, C, c, C*

Today I'm grateful for:

• church ~ the body of Christ, the universal church, especially those times we live it out well
• communion ~ I'm such a Lutheran; sacraments are so important to me
• communion of saints ~ especially that "mystic sweet communion with those whose rest is won"
• connections ~ of all sorts, especially with people
• colleagues ~ one in particular has been particularly helpful in my life in the last few days, but there are so many I'm grateful for
• cats ~ I've always been more of a cat person than a dog person. Perhaps it's because cats are more like me--fiercely independent, seem stand-offish and/or shy, but when they love you, they can't get enough attention
• cuddles ~ especially from a certain 14-month-old in my life
• china ~ two sets in particular, one handed down from my grandpa's cousin that has real gold leafing and one handed down from my mom
• C ~ my daddy...he's one major reason the communion of saints is so important for me. He's been gone for 22 years now, more than double the time I had to know him. He meant so much and I know how much he loved me. And I know we are connected. It doesn't always feel like enough, but it's all I have.

I'll think of more later; I know I will. I keep thinking of so many things for the past letters. Here's the beginning of that list: Advent, anticipation, baptism, books, blogs, boxes. (I mean really, how could I forget baptism, books, and blogs yesterday?)

*thanks to Dr. Seuss

Big B, little b, What Begins with B?

Barber, baby, bubbles, and a bumblebee*

• Babies ~ I wrote about my baby girl yesterday and I'm most grateful for her, but all babies give me so much hope. They remind me of possibilities and love and newness. There is nothing more precious to me that snuggling a tiny one.
• Breast milk ~ I am so grateful for these months that I have had plenty of breast milk to nourish my little one. I know everyone is not so lucky. Right now it is bittersweet as we are nearing being fully weaned -- just nursing once a day. I'll miss it when we are done completely.
• Boppies ~ These make nursing so much easier. I'm not sure I could have nursed so long without having one!
• Bed ~ I love to sleep. I'm grateful for a soft cozy bed and warm covers.
• Butterflies ~ I have a little card with a butterfly pin on that says this, "Butterflies are a reminder to us that the world flutters with new possibilities." I have it hanging near my desk. I often need the reminder!
• Bees ~ Though bees also terrify me a little bit, I love to look at the big fluffy ones that look like they'd be soft to touch. I also enjoy the fruits of the bee's labor, particularly honey.
• Bread ~ Fresh bread--nothing like it.
• Bananas ~ on the green side or in banana bread, or watching Baby Girl's excitement to have one to eat
• B, Baby Girl's beloved babysitter ~ While Baby Girl will go to a new daycare this fall, we are so blessed that Baby Girl was in B's wonderful and loving hands for so much of her first year. I will always be grateful for that.

*Thanks to Dr. Seuss

Big A, Little a, what begins with A?

Aunt Annie's alligator...A, a, A*

So I've happened upon a number of blogs lately that have been doing gratitude lists, one letter at a time. I've been overwhelmed and wanting to write, but not knowing how. This seemed like a good idea to get me going. We'll see how 26 days goes!

But here is my list for A:

• A (aka Baby Girl for blog purposes) ~ she is the joy in my life, the way her whole face lights up when she sees me, the way she snuggles into my arms, says "mamam" and pats me when she's excited to see me, the way I can see her mind working as she figures things out, the toothy grin and her infectious giggle, and her love of books--so much so that I have Big A, Little a memorized (among others!)
• Anniversaries ~ today is my 8th wedding anniversary, sometimes it feels like it can't possibly have been that long that we've been married and other times it feels like we've been together forever (in a good way)
• Alone time ~ summer has been crazy and chaotic and basically involved no time to myself, but there have been moments and there will be moments coming up soon for which I am grateful

It seems like there should be so much more. Perhaps I'll have to come and add later today. The good news is that I'm thinking of lots of things for other letters! Maybe those will come easier.

ETA:

• Automatic transmission ~ as I was driving around between nursing home visits this afternoon, I realized how grateful I am that I don't have to worry about gears or clutches and can instead go on a kind of auto-pilot and think (about things that begin with a)...oh, I'm sure I could learn to drive a manual transmission, but I'm glad I don't HAVE to
• ATMs ~ not so much to get cash, but to check the balance quickly without having to enter a month of reciepts into the computer program
• A (different A than Baby Girl) ~ my BFF, though somehow those letters make our relationship seem trivial. A has been my friend forever, though we didn't always know it. We were born the same day (within 2 hours) at the same hospital and our moms shared a hospital room. We went to different elementary schools, but met in junior high and became forever friends. We aren't always the best at being in touch and can go for months without communicating and years without seeing each other. But when we get together, we fall back into easy friendship. And that is a blessing.
• Aunties ~ growing up, I was very close to my aunties (my mom's two sisters) and great-aunts (my grandma's sisters). Only one great-aunt is left and it's hard to make time to see my aunties, but I'm glad for the presence they all were in my life.
• August ~ the month--sure, after all it is my birth month, but also the only grandpa I remember. He loved me, his baby grandchild, fiercely and protectively, especially after my dad died. Unfortunately, his mind started to leave him a few short years after that and his body not much later. He meant more to me than I can say.

*thanks to Dr. Seuss

Overwhelmed

I am feeling so utterly overwhelmed by so much that I don't even know where to begin. Here's hoping that writing this post will help...if I get it written.

This spring Hubby and I decided that yes, he could do his annual summer job out of state--about an hour and half away from our home. Not that long of a distance, but for a 24/7 job that means living in a hotel room away from Baby Girl and me, long enough. And with no babysitter for the summer--since he's in education and would be home. Yeah. We thought, hoped, prayed that he'd have a principal job lined up and be able to forgo the summer job. Didn't happen. So...thankfully grandmas and friends are willing to help. But since grandmas live a distance away...it means they come to stay. And that has its own challenges. I'm still the parent and though I have help, I'm the primary caregiver. And it's a balancing act of letting grandma do things her way compared to the way I'd do them.

My mom left yesterday morning. Baby Girl and I are home alone today. Baby Girl's godmother comes for the day tomorrow. MIL comes on Saturday. Hubby will come home on Monday BUT did get a principal job, but one that doesn't require a move. He starts on Tuesday with that and we didn't line up our childcare until August 3, so MIL is staying until Friday morning.

And then, senior pastor is gone for three weeks--nearly two down near. In that time, in addition to the usual stuff, I had a wedding and now have a funeral tomorrow. Funeral tomorrow wouldn't be so bad except they are only having the visitation an hour before (deceased was 92 so most friends are gone) and have family time just before that which means they will be at the church by 8 a.m. My friend wasn't going to arrive until between 8 and 8:30 since I normally go in between 8:30 and 9. I'm going to call her today in hopes she can arrive a bit earlier. Our office manager is awesome, so she'll get the funeral home help in getting settled which helps so much. But sermon for both the funeral and the weekend is not done.

And, next week, office manager will be gone too.

Oh, and did I mention that Baby Girl is teething and/or has a cold and we are weaning. So we have Velcro Girl.

And I wanted to move 2 years ago. And now was encouraged to interview at a place about 30 minutes from here and so have to decide if I should and update my papers for a congregation if I do. And it's 30 minutes from my home in the opposite direction of the 30 minutes hubby will have to drive for his new job. And he thinks he would only stay at this job a couple years and I don't want to do that to a congregation--because even if I interviewed today, there'd be time before starting (if it was the right call in my mind and theirs) there would be transition time, so I could potentially only be there a year and then look to move and that is just not fair to a congregation. But it would be a solo position which would be good experience.

Plus I was sick the first week senior pastor was gone, so I got little done except the bare necessities and now all these things have piled up. School starts in our district on August 13, so there's lot of organizing for fall that needs to happen now. And I have jury duty on August 17th.

So...I think that about cover it. I've held off Velcro Girl while I wrote this and now she's stuck in something so will tend to her.

Few Words

Yesterday was my day off and since Hubby is out of town for his summer job, Baby Girl and I were home alone all day. And, I suddenly realized, at least one reason it is so exhausting to be home with her alone all day. There are so few words.

When I'm home alone alone, I usually have the tv on for background noise. I don't want her watching tv, so I don't have it on. Other spaces, I usually have the radio on if I'm alone. When I'm in the office, even if there's no talking, I'm still surrounded by words--written though, either on computer or in books.

Baby Girl says a few words, but more or less, the only words are in the books we read (which though there are many books, the vocabularly is still quite limited) or in the words I say. And when it comes to spoken words, being surrounded by only mine--not so exciting.

Hmm, guess we should listen to the radio. But Grandma J. comes tomorrow for about 2 weeks, so there will be words again!

Quiet and Chaos

It is nearly absolute quiet in my house. Baby Girl is sleeping (despite the wailing siren of the ambulance that just went by). Hubby is away--gone for the month for his summer job. Grandma J. will be coming on Wednesday to babysit while I work. So tonight through Wednesday, I'm on my own with Baby Girl. I'm sure we'll do fine, but right now the house is so quiet!

In the midst of the chaos of daily life, of poopy diapers, of little fingers getting into mischief, of balancing work and home, of not getting dishes washed or floors vacuumed, of toys spread out throughout the house and toys not as appealing as whatever it is Mommy and Daddy are trying to accomplish, I crave the quiet.

Now, in the quiet--I crave the chaos. I have forced myself to leave the tv off, to listen only to the sounds of my fingers on the keyboard, the ceiling fans whirring above my head, the cars speeding past the windows, the occasional boom of (I'm sure) illegal firework, and even that siren. (Which I wonder if will return or head another route to a hospital.) In the quiet, I feel so alone, so disconnected.

I have a to-do list a mile long. There is so much I 'should' do right now while I have the quiet and no little hands vying for my attention. But all I want to do is lose myself in something outside of my life--a tv show, a book, a magazine, a blog. I don't want to be Mommy at the moment; I don't want to be wife at the moment; and I certainly don't want to be Pastor. Those titles all feel so full of chaos.

But yet, those define me--perhaps not all of me, but me in this season. And so I guess I'll turn the tv on, tidy up some spaces, and give thanks for both the quiet and the chaos.

Sermonizing

So I'm working on a sermon for this weekend that is turning out to be much more difficult than I anticipated. We are doing a new summer program for families at church this year. This Sunday's event is basically on of our usual liturgies (a contemporary-ish setting) with just a few tweaks--a few things taken out so it is shorter and song selections that are a bit more 'kid-friendly.' We decided to have no children's sermon and no 'regular' sermon, but just one. In many ways, it will be more like a children's sermon. My plan is to make a circle of parents with their kids in a circle in front of them. This way parents are still in charge of their own kids if they are wandering (instead of having all the kids up front with me). The challenging part is that I thought it would be easier to do this same sermon for our traditional services as well--now I'm not sure about that. So I'm struggling as I'm trying to write it. Plus--in theory, I'm on vacation this week, so I sorely lack motivation. I think the real reason I convinced myself it would be easier is that I just don't want to write another sermon. But, I must write at least one now!!

Really?

I don't think I'm a particularly closed-minded or conservative person, but perhaps I am. All I know is that I find it very disturbing that my stepdaughter's mother allowed her to get her bellybutton pierced--at not quite 16 years old. I'm trying to put myself in her position and I just can't get to a place where I'd allow it. If Baby Girl gets her belly-button pierced once she's 18 and out of high school, I won't kick her out of the house or anything...but before that? I don't think I could allow it.

One Year

One year ago at this time, I was cradling a tiny six pound bundle in my arms, wrapped in three warmed blankets. I had seen her fingers and toes from a distance, but she was so tiny they bundled her up so quick. I was aching to see those fingers and toes, but contented myself with examining her beautiful face, of holding her close, of wanting her to be warm, of the unbelievable reality of what the day had brought. Baby Girl had entered the world at 6:58 p.m.

Right now, it's 8:22 p.m. It's been a long and exhausting day. Sundays are for me anyhow, but we celebrated this little bundle today. Only one uncle (my sister's husband) was unable to be here. Baby Girl's Grandma P. and Grandpa L. (Daddy's parents), Grandma J. (my mom), Auntie K. (my sister), Uncle B. (Daddy's brother) and Auntie C. (not to be confused with Auntie K. of the same sounding name) with their two boys, Big Brother, Big Sister, and Beloved Babysitter and her husband and four boys. But I was able to snuggle my baby girl who is getting so big--23 pounds or so and kiss her beautiful face, to marvel in what those tiny fingers can do today. It was a lovely day. I hoped to write poetically about this day--which I recently found out is a lesser church festival--the day of Mary's visitation to Elizabeth, and this day this year is Pentecost. Those posts will have to wait for when I have more energy.

For now, I am so thankful for the unbelievable reality of this day--this precious Baby Girl who was given to me, entered this world one year ago today, and continually reminds me how blessed I am.

Still Here

I feel like I need to write an update, comment upon the state of things right now. I debated on a title for the post and "Still Here" finally came. I guess that summarizes it...I'm still trying to decide if that's good or bad for now.

Still here--we are not moving north. The job I was a long-shot for that I agonized over (during Holy Week no less) will not be mine. And I'm okay with that...and I'm especially okay because the person who would have been my direct supervisor is someone that I dearly love and she basically told the HR department, "I don't know how you plan to do things, but I'm not leaving people hanging...I'm calling to say we aren't looking at their files anymore." We had a lovely visit and you could tell it hurt for her to say it, but in a good affirming way. And I told her that I thought I was a long-shot and really appreciated the call and knowing for sure. Now I need to get my tail in gear and email her a picture of Baby Girl. She asked...I'm not just the doting mom who thinks her baby is adorable. (And I'm not...JUST that anyway; I'm more.)

Still here--we are not moving west. The job my hubby interviewed for...well, the interview went well, but the situation was not quite what we expected. (Like no insurance coverage and not so much more income than he has now and about half the students.) His principal told him that it would be better to withdraw his name than to be offered the job and not take it. So, he called on the last day of their interviews to withdraw his name. That day I said to him, "You need to withdraw your name; I don't think it's right for us." He said, "That's what I was thinking; I just needed the push." But with no more interviews lined up, he keeps questioning the choice. And I keep saying, it was the right one. I've wanted to leave here for about 3 years--2 years ago this coming fall, I thought I was leaving. Then I turned down a call and found out I was pregnant not much later. Do I still want to move? YES. Do I want to move to a place where I can take some time off and stay home with Baby Girl? Even bigger YES. But even more, I want us both to feel like it's the right thing--or at least an okay thing. This place did not feel so okay the more we learned. And I also know--at this point in his career--I need to follow my hubby, not the other way around.

Still here--still wanting to be blogging, but finding it's the last thing to get done. I keep reading many other blogs--daily--obsessively. Really--I need an intervention I think. I have so many other things to read--books, magazines, etc. I need to get off-line. Plus, so often I find myself starting to comment and stop because I feel they turn into "all about me" moments instead of really affirming the blogger or their words. And I think..."gee, I should just write on my own blog." But I don't feel like I have anything to say...but I'm still here.

Wasting Time

I'm wasting time--feel like I must stay in the office a bit longer, but I'm very distracted so know I will get nothing productive done. Right now, my husband is about 15 minutes into a job interview. We are both anxious, though he is probably calmer than me at the moment. He is such a people person (yeah...I know, says the pastor who has contact with people all the time). But he is much more energetic and outgoing, especially when meeting new people. We both really want him to get this job and both really want him not to. It's not really in an ideal location, but he'd get to be a principal and I'd get to leave my job. If he does get it, I will probably try to get a another call as there is currently a church open 20 miles from the school. But, if I don't get that, we could probably afford for me to not work or maybe get a part-time job on weekends/evenings--not church-related, or supply preach or somthing. And...for good or bad, they told him that they expect the district to close completely within a few years. (Right now there is an elementary building...at 7th grade the kids can pick one of a few neighboring districts. There is a shared superintendent; he's interviewing for the principal job.) A few years of experience would be good; then we could move where he'd really want to. Baby Girl will be in school and I could go back to work if I haven't already. I want it to go well for him, but it's scary too. "How is it living life on the edge?" a friend asked me today. I just want to know which way we'll fall off I guess. At least with schools, he'll know soon enough. Probably as early as Friday (they told him they are doing interviews Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday). So...just a bit more waiting.

Reflecting

My Baby Girl is eleven months old today and I'm feeling a bit reflective, but it's not so much because of this day. A 4 month old baby girl died in my community this week. I don't know the family at all but I know people who do. Apparently she was a healthy girl and so they are saying it was SIDS. She went to the babysitter and never came home. I've been thinking about the mother especially. I love nursing my baby. There are moments I complain--I never thought my life would revolve around my breasts. But life has these eleven months. I need to know when she's eaten; I need to plan when I go somewhere if she might eat; I need to carry the pump with everyday to work; I know when it's been a long time between feedings. At the same time, though, there is nothing more restful than her gently nursing and slipping into sleep. It always calms and relaxes me too, sometimes to the point that I just fall asleep too. To be able to do this is such a gift. So I've been thinking about this mother. I don't know if she was breastfeeding or not, but I can't help but think of how awful it must be--full breasts, empty arms. My baby's getting extra love.

Friday Five--Appliance Edition

1. What is the one appliance you simply couldn't be without?
Probably the microwave. I'm not much of a cook--so microwave it is. That or our toaster oven.

2. What if anything would you happily give up?
Coffee maker. I don't drink coffee, but we own one in case we ever have company who does. It is stored in the cabinet.

3. What is the most strangest household appliance you own?
I guess that would be the "Magic Bullet." My husband decided we needed one and we use it pretty regularly for smoothies.

4. What is the most luxurious household appliance you own?
I don't think any of our appliances are luxurious.

5. Tell us about your dream kitchen- the sky is the limit here....
I'm not much of a cook, so the simple appliances work for me. But maybe, if we are dreaming....how about a chef?

Friday Five--Time Out Edition

As posted at RevGals:
Holy Week is almost upon us, I suspect that ordained or not, other revgal/pals calendars look a bit like mine, FULL, FULL, FULL........Jesus was great at teaching us to take time out, even in that last week, right up to Maundy Thursday he withdrew, John's gospel tells us he hid! He hid not because he was afraid, but because he knew that he needed physical, mental and spiritual strength to get through...So faced with a busy week:

1. What restores you physically?
Sleep--good solid sleep, especially if it means sleeping in. With a 10 month old, my definition of sleeping in is changing. I'd take an 8 a.m.

2. What strengthens you emotionally/ mentally?
Time away from work. I recently had vacation which helped a whole lot. Hearing Baby Girl laugh and giggle helps, as does snuggling with her, and simply having time with her. Yesterday I got her dressed, fed breakfast, saw her about an hour in the afternoon, got home to put her in jammies, fed and put to bed. Just not enough.

3. What encourages you spiritually?
Music--good music. Sunshine.

4. Share a favourite poem or piece of music from the coming week.
Holy Week by Ann Weems in Kneeling in Jerusalem

Holy is the week…
Holy, consecrated to God…
We move from hosannas to horror
with the predictable ease
of those who know not what they do.
Our hosannas sung,
our palms waved,
let us go with passion into this week.
It is a time to curse fig trees that do not yield fruit.
It is a time to cleanse our temples of any blasphemy.
It is a time to greet Jesus as the Lord’s Anointed One,
to lavishly break our alabaster
and pour perfume out for him
without counting the cost.
It is a time for preparation…
The time to give thanks and break bread is upon us.
The time to give thanks and drink wine is imminent.
Eat, drink, remember:
On this night of nights, each one must ask,
as we dip our bread in the wine,
“Is it I?”
And on that darkest of days, each of us must stand
beneath the tree
and watch the dying
if we are to be there
when the stone is rolled away.

The only road to Easter morning
is through the unrelenting shadows of that Friday.
Only then will the alleluias be sung;
only then will the dancing begin.

5.There may be many services for you to attend/ lead over the next week, which one are you most looking forward to and why? If there aren't do you have a favourite day in Holy week if so which one is it?
Our bishop (new this year) is hosting a service for us clergy-types on Monday of Holy Week. Add to the busy-ness--but it's a chance to be the worshiper, not the worship leader. I'm looking forward to that, even though it's a bit of a drive to get there and since it's my day off, it means no babysitter, so Baby Girl will be with me. I'm not used to sitting with her in worship. The other thing I love is being the first to enter the dark sanctuary on Easter morning and being inundated with the scent of lilies.

To Do List

So...we are flying up to Holy Week and these are the major points of my to do list.

• Palm/Passion Sunday Sermon (services Saturday evening and 2 Sunday morning)
• Maundy Thursday Sermon
• Good Friday "sermonette" -- we have an ecumenical service and a series of 6 short (i.e. 3 minutes max) reflections and I have to do one of them

So in the midst of sermonizing, I have decided to apply for a job that I probably have no chance of getting. A job which is going to begin looking at applicants on April 15. Yeah....

So my goal is to get Sat/Sun sermon done tonight or first thing in the morning and get going on the application. I'm the kind of preacher who has difficulty with writing two sermons at the same time, so even though I have ideas for both Thursday and Friday, to actually write them before Sunday is over isn't likely.

The good news (in this) is that I'm an associate pastor and so not preaching on Easter morning! On the other hand, the reason I'm looking for another job is that I'm an associate pastor. Not completely true--I'm learning that being an associate pastor isn't all bad...it's just not so good for me here right now.

Back to Work

So I am back to work after a week off and am procrastinating the piles on my desk, so...some thoughts from the past week.

• Hubby had "Spring Break" so I took the week off too. It was so nice for the three of us to just be home together.
• We had a 'to-do' list a mile long, none of which was church work.
• We got much of it done, though not the one major task I wanted to accomplish.
• I did not do church work until Monday night! Couldn't help thinking about church, but avoided it pretty well.
• We took Baby Girl to the park for the first time. It was finally warm enough! She giggled and giggled as she rode in a big girl swing. She wasn't sure of the slide that we went down together. But it was a wonderful family outing!
• We went to a friend's wedding and spent the night in that town about 2 hours from our place. We left Baby Girl at our home with Grandma (my mom) for about 23 hours. It was my first time away from Baby Girl overnight and only the second time I wasn't there when she went to bed. It was difficult, but not horrible. I was only a bit weepy when I saw the babies at the reception. The worst part was figuring out timing for pumping and storage of milk as I'm still nursing. I flipped through photos of her on hubby's iPhone a few times throughout the day and right before bed. Unfortunately the bed at the hotel wasn't very comfy, so I didn't have hours of uninterrupted sleep as I hoped. I was very happy to get home and she was happy to see me. She snuggled into me like she usually only does when she is really tired and let me hold her and sit down for a while. She usually likes to be on the move!
• Speaking of being on the move...her crawling is now rapid, even on slippery floors...AND, she is walking! Her walks are about 10 steps before plopping down. If she has a destination, she will continue to it by crawling, but if there is anything to pull up on nearby, she'll do that first. She is starting to get brave and adventurous. The things just beyond reach and that are 'no-no's are now the most exciting. But she is smart and beautiful and healthy. She will be 10 months old next week and currently weighs 21 pounds and is 28 inches long, well into 12 month sized clothing...still short but catching up on height.
• I so needed the time away and though I don't want to be doing work right now, I have a bit of steam to get me through a little longer anyway.

Friday Five

Sophia at RevGals writes: The pastor of my grad school parish once gave a fascinating reflection, at about this mid-point in the season, called "How to Survive the Mid-Lent Crisis"! As I recall, his main point was that by halfway through the season we have often found it very challenging to live up to our original plans....But, he suggested--on the analogy of the healing and reframing of our life plans that can happen during a mid-*life* crisis--that that can be even more fruitful.So here's an invitation to check in on the state of your spirit midway through "this joyful season where we prepare to celebrate the paschal mystery with mind and heart renewed" (Roman Missal). Hopefully there's a good deal of grace, and not too much crisis, in your mid-Lenten experience!

1. Did you give up, or take on, anything special for Lent this year? 2. Have you been able to stay with your original plans, or has life gotten in the way?
I've combined 1 and 2 because I haven't given up or taken on anything special for Lent because I knew life would get in the way.

3. Has God had any surprising blessings for you during this Lent?
I sure hope they are coming!

4. What is on your inner and/or outer agenda for the remainder of Lent and Holy Week?
After this weekend, I am on vacation for a week! I am hoping to catch up on some sleep, to do much housecleaning, and to enjoy time with my husband. He will also be on vacation...or I guess we will be on 'stay-cation.' We do have a wedding to attend next weekend. As for the rest of Lent and Holy Week, I'm just trying to get through it.

5. Where do you most long to see resurrection, in your life and/or in the world, this Easter?
I need new life--I need to be able to leave this place. And because of our current situation, that depends upon my husband. So...a new job for my husband would be nice.

Bonus: Share a favorite scripture, prayer, poem, artwork, or musical selection that speaks Lenten spring to your heart.
My current favorite is the book Kneeling in Jerusalem by Ann Weems, a book of Lenten poetry.

My Own 11th Hour Preacher Party

So, for some reason, when I go to the RevGals website and try to click on the comments, my home wireless network kicks me off. It's frustrating to reset my modem over and over, so I'm commenting here.

I am so exhausted and have no desire to write a sermon today. I actually have a pretty good start; just need to come up with some way to wrap it all up. It is about 8:30 a.m. here and I will need to leave at about 3:30 for the evening.

But here is my yesterday and today so far:
3 a.m. -- up with Baby Girl
6 a.m. -- up with Baby Girl
6:30 a.m. -- leave screaming Baby Girl home with Grandma (my MIL) to take hubby to hospital for outpatient hernia surgery
8:45 a.m. -- hubby taken to surgery
10:30 a.m. -- hubby returned to room
1:oo p.m. -- leave hospital and stop to bring lunch home
2:00 p.m. -- arrive home and play with, feed, hold, change Baby Girl because she screams bloody murder if I walk away
6:00 p.m. -- say something stupid to MIL
8:00 p.m. -- finally get Baby Girl to sleep and hope to start on sermon
8:45 p.m. -- Baby Girl wakes us, hold her until she goes to sleep
9:30 p.m. -- help hubby get into bed and adjust pillows, etc. and try to work on sermon
10:30 p.m. -- up with Baby Girl
11:00 p.m. -- Baby Girl back to bed, give up on sermon
11:30 p.m. -- wake up when hubby needs to use the bathroom and can barely move, help him
12:30 p.m. -- wake up as hubby moans to give him drugs
6:00 a.m. -- up with Baby Girl and to give hubby drugs
7:00 a.m. -- leave Baby Girl sreaming with Grandma to help hubby out of bed
8:00 a.m. -- leave Baby Girl watching tv (I know...evil mommy, but desperate times) snuggling with hubby on couch and walk away because she is not screaming
8:30 a.m. -- MIL comes downstairs to ask if she should move Baby Girl because she is almost asleep, fine
8:35 a.m. -- procrastinate sermon by blogging

I was exhausted (physically and emotionally) prior to yesterday and had no desire to write a sermon and this just didn't help. Hubby isn't allowed to lift more than 15 pounds and Baby Girl is about 20, which is why in-laws are here since I obviously have stuff to do this weekend--worship tonight as well as morning tomorrow. And while I get along fine in general with my in-laws, it is so much work to have them here...even if they are here to help. And Baby Girl is just off--she is in complete Mommy-mode. (Hence the stupid comment...MIL asked if I wanted her to feed Baby Girl and I said no. In my head, I was thinking something along the lines of 'I just took her away from you after she has herself all worked up screaming; I don't want her any more worked up as I will have to try to settle her down for sleep tonight' and something more like, 'I don't want to torture her' came out...actually the word torture did, I just don't remember the rest of the sentence. I immediately said, "that came out wrong," but with MIL, there is just no going back.)

Hubby is actually being a very good patient--I mean he moans and is sore, but he's appreciative and trying not to ask too much from me. He kept saying last night, "you are such a good mommy and wifey." My response then, and now, "maybe...but it's impossible for me to be a good mommy and wifey AND PASTOR." I am so tired...need to get this sermon done NOW so I can hopefully get a snooze while Baby Girl is still asleep.

Remember You Are Dust

Six years (almost) into ministry, I preached my first Ash Wednesday sermon and for the first time placed the ashes on the foreheads of my congregation. (Why not before--I'm not really sure.) I had to/got to(?) mark the sign of the cross on my precious Baby Girl's sleeping face and say, "Remember you are dust and to dust you shall return." It didn't choke me up then as much as today.

It's been a rough week here...

How many breaths, how many days, how many years are enough?

On Thursday last week, we celebrated the funeral of a 95 year old woman, who up until a few months ago was full of life. I saw her just before Christmas and took Baby Girl in to the nursing home to see her. She had recently moved to the home and hadn't seen Baby Girl yet. She told me how beautiful my girl was/is, "the only baby more beautiful was mine," she said.

On Monday this week, we celebrated the funeral of a 73 year old woman, who has had health problems for years, such that I assumed incorrectly that she was much older than she is. 73--that's only 4 years older than my mother and I thought of her more like a grandma. She's struggled, yes, but death was a shock--a sudden downturn after my most recent visit to her in the hospital when she was going in for an angiogram (routine stuff for her).

Just now I returned to the office after sitting for an hour with a 90-something year old woman whose family called to say that she was now on hospice care. She had a stroke a few weeks ago and has given up. They said that she had been looking good but today looked bad. Unfortunately, no family was there when I was. I left a prayer shawl made by members of our congregation and a note. I agree--she didn't look good and I don't expect her to live very long.

But on the way home, it hit me hard. "Remember you are dust and to dust you shall return." And I thought about my Baby Girl. I realize that I don't think about the future much...I think about today. Maybe it's because I know the fragility of life--both from this line of work but also from losing my dad when I was young. I love her so much and don't want to smother her as she grows, but I want to make the most of whatever moments we have. Perhaps that is why this trying to be pastor and mother is so hard for me. I don't want to spend every second with her; I know that's not healthy for either one of us. But we're dust--we only have now.

Friday Five -- Taking a Break

Today's Friday Five is about taking a break, so I'm taking one. My "to do" list includes 3 pressing items (3 sermons--one for this weekend, one for a Monday funeral, and one for Ash Wednesday) and LOADS of other important things that are just going to have to wait. Maybe this break will be just refreshing enough to get that first sermon done!

So...I would spend...

1. a 15 minute break ~ doing suduko or kakuro or a crossword puzzle or some other word game

2. an afternoon off ~ reading a book for fun

3. an unexpected free day ~ sleeping interspersed with reading and games and tv watching

4. a week's vacation ~ catching up on home organization and tasks around home that get neglected (with healthy amounts of sleeping and reading and games and tv watching)

5. a sabbatical ~ no idea...but I've been thinking that I need to convince my congregation to create a sabbatical policy (more for senior pastor than for me right now) and that any future congregation needs to have one before I'm in the position to need/want one

I realized that as I answer these questions, I answer as if these breaks are breaks that I get alone--with no other responsibilities (namely work or the care of my Baby Girl). These are things that I need for me...things that get are the first to get dropped. I keep being reminded of my need for some 'me' time, but don't know when or how that's going to happen.

A Light at the End of the Tunnel

I really would like to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I am in a place that is no longer very good for me and I know it. But there are realities that are also in place. I was ready to move some time ago and almost did, but in the long wrong now think I did make the better choice. So now, I feel like I'm in this dark tunnel and the end seems so far away that I can't even see the glimmer of light.

My husband is in the process of looking for a new job. He's currently a teacher, but he's looking for a principal job. I think, though he hasn't said it so many words, is that he is only seriously looking because he knows that I need to be somewhere else. So until he either gets a new job or decides to stop looking, I'm on hold. It's not fair to a congregation to be in conversation with them if there's no chance of it working out.

We were so excited this summer. We had our beautiful baby girl. He had an interview in place where he was called back for a final interview as one of two candidates. Within a half-hour of that place were 4 open congregations. It all looked so good. He came in second; so much for moving in the fall. And so here we are...sending out applications for him, wishing and hoping and praying for interviews and a good job for him. A job he can take in a place to which I can follow him...where I can either take some time off for a short time and do supply preaching or other random work or where I can find a half-time call or where I can find a call that is better for me.

Today has been a really rough day. I just want a little bit of light...so the darkness doesn't seem so dark and so that I can still be a good pastor here. Sermons still need to be written and people need to hear the good news. I know God is with me; I know God loves me, but I am having such a hard time living in that right now. Just a little light...please God.

Funny

So, at our congregation, officers are elected and can serve two consecutive one year terms in the same office. Our now former secretary was recently elected vice-president. She just sent out the last minutes from her term as secretary and included this as her final line. "Good-bye from the secretary/from the new VP. I really wanted to be Secretary of State."

Not as funny if you don't know her; but I'm laughing a lot here! Looks like a good way to end the day!

Jobs

So recently I was at a meeting of area clergy of all kinds of denominations and, due to illness at the babysitter's Baby Girl was with me. The local Catholic priest asked if I was back to work part-time. I said, "full-time." He said, "Wow, that must be hard--two full-time jobs, pastor and mother. Well--three full-time jobs including your relationship with your husband." (I'm paraphrasing somewhat.) He is (not surpisingly) one of two unmarried clergy in our group and one of three who don't have children (the other two are the other two women of the group besides me). I was a bit surprised that he was the one who seems to get it best, to recognize the juggling act that I do each day.

But he really got me thinking and I think it's more like four full-time jobs: pastor, mother, wife, me. I'm sortof finding a bit of balance in the first three, sortof. But the job of taking care of me, well, I'm not doing so good at that. And there's overlap, of course, but my husband doesn't care if the house is messy, I want it clean for me! I haven't figured out how to carve out the time to do the things that I need to do for me. Baby Girl is a happy, good-natured girl, but she is a baby and also is an attention-hound and very inquisitive. I tried one day to wear her in a front carrier while I tried to do things around the house, but her hands were in everything so it was really anti-productive.

I don't need much, really--just some time. Maybe I just need better time managment.

Oh--and some motivation for my pastor job. Anyone handing out any of that?

Check Engine

Last week, the 'check engine' light in my car came on. My husband drove it and said not to worry about it (says the man who doesn't drive around in this really cold winter with a 7 1/2 month old). He also said that he'd take it in to be checked. I'm giving him until next Monday and then I'll do something about it if he hasn't. But that's not the point...

I wish that people had 'check engine' lights. I feel like mine is on and I'm driving around ignoring it. It sounds like I'm running okay, but something isn't right. I'm tired and run down. And I can't even find the words that I want to right now.

Friday Five--Five Things about Me

Songbird at RevGals writes, "Whether it's new friends or new loves or new employers, what are five things people should know about you?"

1. I find questions like this particularly difficult. I am a very shy introvert. Give me specific questions to answer please!

2. With the exception of my husband, I currently feel like I have no friends. Yes, there are people who care about me from different times of my life that I could turn to if I needed to, but everyone lives far away. I don't have any local, just-call-each-other-up-spur-of-the-moment-let's-do-lunch, kinds of friends. Or people with whom I can just be, without having to work at it.

3. There are a handful of blogs that I check every day (sometimes more than once) hoping for a new post. I wonder if anyone does that with this blog and is disappointed when there is nothing new.

4. I am absolutely in love with my Baby Girl and would love nothing more than for my only job to be caring for her. I will always put her first, but balancing that call and this pastor gig is trying on my spirit.

5. I am an ISFJ on Myers-Briggs. My husband tested as an ENTJ (I think--I can't remember the middle letters for sure). He is so not a J and that drives me crazy! My J self is also very annoyed at my lack of time right now to get my house into the mode it needs to be a calm place of refuge for me.

Why Fridays Should Be My Day Off

1. Because I leave pretty early in the day and don't have any evening meetings. Wait, is that a bad thing? No...but it's one less work day to cram evening meetings into, so other days are often double or triple booked.

2. Because I'd like to have the option of choosing my own day off.

3. Because it would be nice to have two days off in a row, you know...like a weekend?

4. Because if I'm honest with myself, they are. By this I mean, that even if I'm in my office with great intentions and no outside interruptions, barely anything gets done. I manage to waste much of the day anyway. Hence this blog post. And no sermon writing...even though I need it by 5 p.m. tomorrow and somehow think Baby Girl will not be very amenable to me writing tonight or tomorrow morning. And I won't be happy to write it tomorrow morning if she sleeps (or rather doesn't) as she has been lately.

Okay--no more whining. I AM going to get something productive done before I head home today!

2008 in Review

First lines from first posts of each month this year--idea shamelessly copied from many others!

January 17, 2008 ~I am not a very regular poster to this blog.

February 4, 2008 ~ It has been a rotten few days--two funerals (one for 85 year old man, one for 17 month old girl) plus their visitations, one high school lock in, one "beat cabin fever" party at church, normal weekend stuff, bad cold, and overdrawing our checking account.

March 7, 2008 ~ (This was a RevGal Friday Five) What have you seen/ heard this week that was a : 1. Sign of hope? Volunteers stepping forward for some exciting programs

April 4, 2008 ~ (another Friday Five) How has God revealed him/herself to you in a: 1. Book: I love books.

May 1, 2008 ~ Today is the day of some pretty significant anniversaries for me.

June 7, 2008 ~ Anyone who's read this blog at all over the past few months knows that I've managed to make every post about my baby due at the end of June.

July 18, 2008 ~ (yet another Friday Five) 1. So how did you come up with your blogging name? And/or the name of your blog? I wrote my first blog post over and over in my head and then had a friend read it before I decided to actually start to blog.

August 5, 2008 ~ A few posts ago I listed the blog posts I had written in my head and this was one of the titles. (On Being a Mother and Being a Daughter)

September 12, 2008 ~ This is a meme that Ruth started to create A Never-Ending Story.

October 10, 2008 ~ (gee…if it weren’t for Friday Fives, would I ever post?) 1. Does your job ever call for travel? Is this a joy or a burden? Not really.

November 3, 2008 ~ My dad died when I was not quite 10, just 2 months before my 10th birthday.

December 3, 2008 ~ Today is a Wednesday, the day I work at home so that Baby Girl only goes to a babysitter 3 days a week.

Friday Five: Windows to the Soul

1. What color are your beautiful eyes? Did you inherit them from or pass them on to anyone in your family?
My driver's license says hazel. I guess they are pretty green, but sometimes look more blue. I was hoping to pass them on to Baby Girl, but my hubby's brown seem to be winning out. (Along with the rest of his looks...she looks SO much like him.)

2. What color eyes would you choose if you could change them?
I like my eye color. But I would also love my grandpa's really really blue eyes.

3. Do you wear glasses or contacts? What kind? Like 'em or hate 'em?
I currently wear glasses but have worn contacts. I like and hate things about both. I need to go to the eye doctor soon and am contemplating what I will do.

4. Ever had, or contemplated, laser surgery? Happy with the results?
I've contemplated it, but my eyes really aren't that bad. If absolutely necessary, I can get by without my glasses, particularly if I don't leave the house. (Since my prescription is for distance, I hate to drive without my glasses.)

5. Do you like to look people in the eye, or are you more eye-shy?
I'm more eye-shy. Just shy in general.

Bonus question: Share a poem, song, or prayer that relates to eyes and seeing.
I remember part of song for a Bible camp musical I was in. The line is..."now we can touch the hand of God, now we can see God's eyes...the human and the holy in one love." I can't remember the rest...I need to find the video!

Wishes and Dreams

Today is a Wednesday, the day I work at home so that Baby Girl only goes to a babysitter 3 days a week. She is now sleeping and so I should be actually working instead of blogging, but...well, as you can see, that's not happening.

Right now it is snowing, with 3-5 inches predicted between now (noon) and 5 p.m. Many schools around here are closing early. If our district closes early, we will not have confirmation tonight. I'm actually really wishing that will happen! I have no desire to have class tonight. I'm also checking a blog regularly--live labor blogging of a friend. I wish I had thought of that 6 months ago; it would have made the boring parts of the day more fun. (Did I just write that my labor was boring? I can't believe I think of it that way--it was exciting, but the first 4 hours between when my water broke and when they started pitocin was pretty boring.)

Anyway, the snow falling and thinking about new birth has me thinking of dreams and wishes...so I'm making a list.

• that my sweet baby girl will always be as happy as she is today and as excited to see me
• that I could curl up under a blanket and read a good book
• that my house was organized the way I wish (currently a number of closet contents are strewn in unusual places)
• that I didn't have to work full time at this time of my life
• that I had friends in real life that I saw more than once a year or so
• that my husband and I had some time to just be together without worries and responsibilities and things we should be doing

Wow...I thought I'd be more profound when I titled the post. Oh well. It is what it is. Now back to work.

Sick Day

Do you know the worst time to get sick when you are a pastor? Midway through worship.

Today I am thankful for a few things in particular related to this.
1. working with another pastor (who was preaching this week) to whom I said after communion, "Can you take over? I feel like I'm going to pass out." (It was pass out or puke, but decided I'd shorten it up)
2. being able to leave after the first service instead of staying for the second when I felt so awful
3. being able to make it to my car before puking and having an empty drink cup from a fast food restaurant in my car to hurl into
4. getting home safely despite my teeth chattering so hard that I could barely see the road
5. a husband who took care of Baby Girl while I slept most of the day, only bringing her to me when she needed to nurse and also going out to get Kentucky Fried Chicken's mashed potatoes because those were the only things that sounded good
6. feeling better today

This was the third time in a month or so that I've had what felt like a 24-hour flu bug--nausea, chills/fever, achy body, etc. So I did give in and go to the doctor today--even though I was feeling much better. They drew blood and have called to say that my white count is high so it seems to be bacterial and are prescribing antibiotics. My husband is picking them up now. If it had been viral, I'd just have had to get through it. The last time I was on antibotics, they were almost worse than the illness, so I'm hoping that's not the case with these. We'll see I guess.

My Daddy and My Baby Girl

My dad died when I was not quite 10, just 2 months before my 10th birthday. That was 21 years ago. It's been a long time. I've been through all the stages of grief more times than I can count. It seems that this year I miss my dad more than I have in a long time--and it's related to my baby girl. Baby Girl was due about a week after the anniversary of my dad's death. I kind of thought she would be born on that date, but she surprised us by coming a full month early. She takes after me and my dad by having sensitive skin. We realized very early that instead of helping diaper rash, Desitin made it worse. So, we decided to try A&D ointment. My dad had been a mail carrier and so the winter was particularly rough on his skin and he used A&D cream to help. As I was particularly hormonal shortly after Baby Girl's birth and used this ointment, I would hold her close and smell her and think, "Daddy." I would have never have thought I missed the smell of my dad until then. And there's something else too...something that is so hard for me to articulate and seems like bad theology, but it feels so real. When I snuggle with my Baby Girl, when she 'kisses' me (or slobbers on me as the case may be), when she 'hugs' me (or I hug her and she doesn't resist), I feel like my dad knows her--that he sent hugs and kisses from him for me from heaven. I believe Baby Girl is a gift from God, that God knit her together, that God knows her and loves her. I believe that God knows my dad and loves him and I believed that before Baby Girl. But I miss my dad so much and so maybe it's wishful thinking, but I feel like my dad knows Baby Girl and through her has sent me a message of love. Is that crazy?