Still Standing?

Wow--it has only been a week and one day, but I feel like I haven't blogged in forever. Maybe because I've shoved about a month's worth of activity into this past week--or maye it was shoved into the week for me! I'm really not sure which.

Friday through Sunday I was at my synod's annual assembly. I really, really enjoy assemblies. Last year, I even served as a voting member at my churchwide assembly. At it, I reconnected with the bishop from my home synod who presided at my ordination. I don't know him all that well, but my family has known him for years. He asked about my family--particularly my mom. As we were chatting, another person came over and joined the conversation. The bishop introduced me and said, "She's a church groupie--the only bigger church groupie is her mother." This is true; I embrace it. I love, love, love, church gatherings beyond the congregational level. No big hoopla at assembly--though we did elect a new bishop. I'll miss the current one very much when he retires. So, though it was a good event, it was very tiring.

Sunday, I actually left early to attend my step-son's high school graduation. (Yes--for those reading who haven't read every blog...I'm expecting my first child in June, but my husband has two children--one newly graduated and one who is finishing up her freshman year of high school. He started really young the first time around.) The ceremony itself was fine except that the gym where it was held was about 852 degrees. Not very nice for this already puffy pregnant girl! Then came the real fun--hanging out at his open house, held at his mom's house. Thankfully we all (kids, husband, ex, step-dad, me, various in-laws) get along really, really well. It's just that after my hubby's parents left, we really didn't know any other guests, so it was pretty boring. By the end of the hour drive home though I was exhausted.

Monday was a fairly quiet day--thankfully. Because Tuesday turned into a whopper! 7:30 a.m. I left home for a third ultrasound to check something of concern by the doctor on Monday. I haven't heard back from the doctor's office, but the ultrasound tech was reassuring that there wasn't a problem. I called my husband to let him know the results of the ultrasound; he had managed to get people to cover his classes for the other two and just wasn't able to make it work this time--especially since he planned to be gone Wednesday to take my step-son to register for college. He told me that the other teachers had brought in gifts for a shower that day and that it would be cool if I could come eat lunch with him to open them. So I went in to the office for a few hours and then left for that. Teachers don't have really long lunch times, especially because hubby had recess duty, but we got some lovely and thoughtful gifts. They did a 'shower' shower--so the baby will be very clean for a long time with all the soap. Then back to the office for a few hours. Tried to keep it short since I had a meeting that evening too. So I went home and sat just briefly until hubby came home. We had to take a bike wheel in for repair, so decided to take it and with step-son go out to eat and then I'd go to my meeting. After the meeting, had a message and talked to hubby--father-in-law being airlifted from home 3 hours from us to best hospital in the area 1 hour from us with a brain bleed. So--I frantically packed a few things for overnight; he took care of getting a sub--and we headed off. Met ex to drop off step-son and went to hospital. Thankfully it wasn't quite as severe as it sounded from that. They would admit him and do surgery on Wednesday. We did drive home to sleep, getting home around 12:30 or so. That felt more like 3 days than one.

Wednesday, we went back to hospital when he was in surgery. This is the short version. The blood was actually a clot that had formed between the brain and the skull and was putting pressure on the brain. They drilled holes and sucked it out and left a drain in. He was doing fine coming out of anesthesia so we left late afternoon. We did not go back today, but have gotten word that they took the drain out so he can be up. May go home as early as tomorrow.

Thankfully no sermon to write this week, but lots to do in next weeks in preparation for baby. I'm trying very hard to only do what needs to be done. Easier said than done. But I'm still standing--or at least still functioning and trying to find time to sit and put those puffy feet up! Which is what I'm going to do now.

Ready for Baby?

I cannot believe how fast the last months have gone! I'm down to 5 1/2 weeks to my due date--which is really close. There are still a few things I need to do to get ready, some important things to buy--like diapers and a car seat. Beyond that, I think we could get by for a short time with what we already have. But I've been waiting. The folks here at my church are going to have a shower for me on June 1, so I figure on June 2, I'll go shopping for whatever I don't get and that we need.

I've heard of many women at this point who are simply tired of being pregnant. I don't feel that way. I love being pregnant (in spite of the swollen fingers rendering me unable to wear my wedding ring and in spite of the swollen feet at the end of the day). I love feeling this baby move inside me as I try to guess--was that a happy kick or scared kick? Was it even a kick? Or just a roll? Was that a finger poke? I love my maternity clothes--mostly. And I feel more attractive than I have for a long time--not sexy, but attractive. I feel like I've got this pregnancy thing down. I could stay pregnant forever. Don't get me wrong, I'm very excited to see this baby and hold it in my arms.

But the reason I'm ready now is that I am so aching for a break from work. I'm looking forward to a mini-sabbatical, in a way. I know I won't sleep...I know I'll be exhausted...I know I won't get any of the reading I want to do done...I know I won't tackle the many projects at home I'd love to do...but I won't be at work. I'll get a break from church, from this place that is slowly stealing bits of me. I'm ready for a break--now. It's like I'm looking forward to summer vacation--I just don't know when it's going to start!

Happy May Day!

Today is the day of some pretty significant anniversaries for me.

May 1, 2003 ~ The very first day of my very first call as an ordained pastor. I had been ordained in April and would be installed at my congregation on May 10th, but my first day was May 1st. For the month of May, my husband and I would be living in two different cities, with the major move of household happening mid-month so that each of us would be living with an air mattress and basic necessities about half the month. So on the morning of May 1st, I drove the two-ish hours from our home to my new town, my new church, expecting it to be a somewhat quiet day. I'd get to know the senior pastor and office manager better; I'd do some unpacking in my office; I'd just generally get my bearings. Instead, it was the "First Annual Senior Pizza Party" for members of the congregation over 60. So I got to meet 40-50 people and be fully overwhelmed!

May 1, 2008 ~ Today was the "Fifth Annual Senior Pizza Party." I knew everyone who came through the line. I helped serve pizza and ice cream and just generally had a good time. I got to watch them visit and chat and enjoy one another and chat with a few myself. I also got to visit and connect with the ladies in the kitchen, another important ministry I believe.

May 1, 1999 ~ My love surprised me with a May Day basket--set outside the door of my dorm. A basket filled in the bottom with almond hershey's kisses (gold wrapper looks somewhat like dirt) and a single rose--that was a jewelry case bearing the most beautiful diamond I had ever seen. We had talked about marriage before; I even knew he had a ring. He's not so good at secrets. I had told him that if he proposed, I would say yes. There were only a few critera. He had to pick out the ring himself and he had to suprise me with the proposal--both of which he pulled off amazingly!

May 1, 2008 ~ Today we are expecting our first child, in about two more months. We've had some ups and downs, as all couples do. He's still not so good at secrets and neither of us is so good at surprises. But I absolutely love him with all my heart and am grateful that we should be able to spend the evening together--not something that generally happens between my evening meetings and his track coaching. But before I get home to meet him tonight, I think I'll stop by the store for some almond hershey's kisses--which to me always taste like love.

Self-care

I'm trying to do better taking care of myself. In fact, I can feel that I'm doing better--at least some moments.

Yesterday afternoon, I went home for a while in the afternoon. It was a day and amount of time that I wouldn't have in the past. I laid down for a couple hours and ended up taking a nap for at least some of that time. It was glorious!

Today, I worked getting things accomplished all day and have just hit a wall. Unfortunately, there is no time to get a nap in now. I don't live far away from work, but far enough away that only having 45 minutes isn't enough time.

Thankfully tonight, though it still will be a few more hours, the plan is that I'm not in charge of anything really--just present. That I think I'll be able to handle. And I will sleep well tonight!

I got a lot accomplished today, so tomorrow won't be so bad and I'm taking Friday off!! I have plenty to do at home as guests are coming Saturday and my home is not currently guest ready, but that uses such different mental energy that it will be fine.

Wow--this is a very boring post, but I really wanted to write something. And I was hoping to get through this wall!

Looking Inside, Part Two

Pregnancy has helped me take some time to take some stock of my inner workings and I've realized some very important things. Though I guess I knew it on some level, I didn't let myself admit it until just recently. I've really been hanging on to my emotional health and well-being by a thread. I've been beyond high stress to potential burn-out and just barely staying sane and barely avoiding falling headlong into depression. And I've been hiding it well--because that's what I do. And in so doing, in hiding my feelings, in trying to function, I have a tendency to put others first without taking time to truly care for myself in the process.

As I face the remaining few months of my pregnancy, I've become even more aware of this. And I realize that when this baby is born, my baby will truly come first--even more so than I am now. And so, I'm making sure to take care of myself these months. And sometimes, that will cause me to do things that I maybe haven't done before. I might seem selfish or uncaring and I might hurt other's feelings. I might not be the colleague that is wanted, or expected, or maybe even the colleague I'd be if I was at my best. And I'm sorry if that stings or hurts feelings.

But I have to grasp hold of that thread and hang on and try to regain some emotional health. I'm scared that I will fall into post-partum depression and I've told my husband that, so he'll be on particular watch for that. And I also believe that the healthier I am prior to this baby's birth, the less likely that is to happen. So I've got to do this, to do what I need to manage my emotional health, even if it means someone's feelings will be hurt.


Now...if only I have the nerve to say this to the person who really needs to hear it, but probably won't hear it even if I say it.

Looking Inside

The title came--but that's about the only words right now.

I feel like I have so little to give...I am trying so hard to keep being who I've been for so long and I just can't do it. I'm trying to create some space, some framework, some sanity.

I am so grateful that my pregnancy has physically been so easy. If I had to deal with physical stuff too, I think I'd explode. Is there such a thing as pre-partum depression? Maybe that's just good old regular depression...and I've gotten really good at pushing through, trying to hide it, trying to keep giving to everyone and I can't do it.

I can barely get through 'tasks;' I don't have time for relationships too--especially one that took so much work before too.

Okay--I'm getting nowhere now except tears and I don't have time for them right now. It's Wednesday after all--confirmation lesson to set up teach, youth evening to pysch up for, in addition to the to-do list that's a mile long here, let alone the personal one.

I don't want solutions or attemps to fix...but if you read, I'd appreciate knowing I'm not alone.

I've got to make some time to look inside.

Moving Friday Five

Mother Laura at RevGals writes: We are right in the middle of a move--only twenty minutes away, but we're still a mix of busy, excited, nervous and surprisingly full of grief about what we're leaving, for me at least. So this week's Friday Five asks about your experience of the marvels and madness of moving...

1. How many times have you moved? When was the last time?
First move was when I was about a year old--across town. Does that count? The next moves were the annual moves to and from college. After that, it was a move to big city for seminary, a temporary summer move to live with my sister for CPE between my two years on campus. Then I got married and moved in with my husband. We lived in one place for about two years and them moved to our current town. We rented for about two months before purchasing our current home. My mom moved from my childhood home about three years ago. I haven't really moved a lot and the last move was about five years ago.

2. What do you love and hate about moving?
I hate packing and unpacking. I admit that I'm a 'sentimental saver.' Doesn't that sound better than 'packrat'? I'm working on that. I love getting to arrange a new space and make it home.

3. Do you do it yourself or hire movers?
When we moved to this town, the congregation paid for movers, otherwise it'd be on our own. I still did my own packing. And there were certain things that we moved ourselves, partly for 'security.' The hundred year old (or more) dishes that have been in my family for generations went in my car. Also, we did live in two cities for a month, so for half the month, each of us had the bulk of the furniture and the other had an air mattress and bare necessities.

4. Advice for surviving and thriving during a move?
No.

5. Are you in the middle of any inner moves, if not outer ones?
See...last week I said that I could make any post or Friday Five about my baby...Here we go again. Moving inside me is a new life, a little person that I love so much. And that brings with it the move into motherhood. I've been a stepmom, but not custodial, and not for an infant, so it's a new territory. And I'm aching for an outer move too--or at least some sort of inner move that will allow me to thrive in this place once again.

Bonus: Share a piece of music/poetry/film/book that expresses something about what moving means to you.
I'll have to think longer and harder about this one!

God Revealed Friday Five

Sally at RevGals writes, "With this Sunday's gospel reading in mind, that wonderful revelation of Christ to the companions on the Emmaus road. I wonder where you might have been surprised by God's revelation recently.

So with no further waffle I offer you this weeks Friday 5:

How has God revealed him/herself to you in a:"

1. Book
I love books. I love words. I cannot think of a single book to answer this questions. However, in recent years, I've started to listen to books on tape. In fact, for my Lenten discipline last year, I listened to the entire Bible on CD whenever I was in my car. I think God is revealed more when I just surround myself with beautiful words--whether those are from the Bible, or fluff fiction reading, or serious reading, or blogs, or...

2.Film
I don't watch a lot of movies, but after much thought, one came to mind. And I fully admit that it's a bit of a stretch, but my answer is The Terminal with Tom Hanks. Not a great cinematic masterpiece, but a decent movie. Within weeks of it coming out (maybe the Friday it came out), I was really struggling with writing a sermon. By Friday afternoon, I had zilch, nada, nothing to even begin to write a sermon with. So my husband and I went to a movie--The Terminal. I was determined that somehow it was going to relate--or if not, at least I'd be able to concentrate on sermonizing when the movie was over. I'm a lectionary preacher and one of the texts was 'the fruit of the Spirit.' I used the movie and Viktor (Tom Hank's character) as an example of living out these fruits. Viktor was led to live these fruits out in his life as he was guided and motivated by a promise that he made to his father. We, as Christians, are called to live out these fruits as we too are guided and motivated by a promise, but in our case, it's the promise that God makes to us, the promise of everlasting love. Everytime I think of the movie, I think of that too.

3. Song
Too many to count...mostly hymns, but many other songs too.

4. Another person
It seems to be my goal to make every Friday Five or post somehow about my baby! But really, being pregnant and carrying this other person in my body has shown me God in more ways that I could ever have thought possible.

5. Creation
This one deserves its own post--maybe someday. The short version is that in the midst of some difficult times, God wiped my tears off my face--figuratively and literally through the wonder of creation.

A Day to Breathe

Finally...a day to breathe. Actually probably even more. No plans for tonight, tomorrow or Monday. Sunday includes the usual morning of worship services, but I'm not preaching, so there isn't any prep and I have a one week reprieve from teaching Sunday School.

So this is my to do list....
1. breathe
2. sleep
3. eat

Well, there's more, but I'm giving myself permission to only accomplish the above. If any of the following get done, that's just a bonus...
1. scheduling some vacation days pre-baby
2. laundry
3. cleaning out/reorganizing spaces to prepare for baby
4. planning remainder of confirmation unit
5. doing some planning about what needs to be done at church prior to/during/immediately following my maternity leave
6. file some paperwork

Now--off to begin the breathing!

"It is Finished"

That was my assigned portion of Jesus' Seven Last Words for our ecumenical Good Friday service last night.

But here's what is finished today...
my Easter sermon
my desire to do anything else productive
my desire to be around anyone, particularly one who doesn't have the patience for me to be frustrated occasionally, one who likes me when I'm happy or doing things that are for that one's benefit, so walks away if I'm remotely grumpy

Here's what has to get done yet today...
Easter vigil service
prep required for Easter children's sermon
newsletter article

What else in the next few days...
organizing papers for appointment with accountant at 9 a.m. Monday (what was I thinking?)
clean the house
next unit of confirmation curriculum
SLEEP
make the list of the 8000 things that need to be done soon and figure out what I need to do next in order to get to a place that is better for me emotionally

So what comes next?
Go through the motions and fake it the best I can because that's all I have to give right now.

Choose an Identity

Lately I've noticed on blogger comments, in order to post a comment, you have to "Choose an identity." And I do...I go about logging in so that I can post comments and responses to various posts. But I'm not sure in the years (is it possibly nearly two!?) I've been blogging that I've ever noticed those words before. Maybe it's because they seem to encapsulate some things going on in me right now.

So what are my choices?

Mommy ~ On and off (mostly on) throughout I the day, I feel this little person inside me. I can't tell yet what are kicks or pokes or what exactly the movements are. Sometimes I think the baby is hiccuping. I think it might freak me out if/when I can see the actual outline of a body part on my belly. And it's possible that as the baby gets bigger and gets more confined, it won't feel so good. But for now, this is what I love--what I live for. Feeling this little person, someone I love with more love than I ever thought possible. I am sure that I was created to be pregnant. I have never felt more like I am what I was created to be.

Pastor ~ Recently I had an interview for a different position, in many ways completely unlike my current one. One of the things that came out of my mouth was that I'm a pastor because that is who I am. The things that I do as a pastor I do because it's what I'd be doing anyhow--caring for others, loving others, endeavoring to share and show God's love to the world around me. I think that's true.

But I can't do it here. I am so ready to walk out of this building and not come back. Of course, there are people I love and people who I will deeply miss. But if my choices are mommy or pastor here, I think I just want mommy. Our budget won't allow me giving up an income. The place I interviewed is no longer an option...unless someone else turns them down. It's too far away to commute and I'm not going to try to switch doctors mid-pregnancy. And...at this point, I don't know if I'm only out of the running because I can't start for months or something else. (If I'll ever know more than that, I'm not sure.)

So for today...I'm just looking ahead to Easter. Thinking about how I'm going to make it through the next week and a half. Then I'll start again...and try to figure out what comes next.

Signs of Spring Friday Five

Sally at RevGals writes, "It has been a difficult week here in Dowham Market, and yet in the sadness there have been signs of real hope, young people, often criticised have shown us how caring and amazing they are. It has also been a strange week; it snowed for almost the first time this winter, and yet many of the spring bulbs are blooming, and the trees are blossoming!

I believe that if we look carefully we can see signs of hope all around us.... as for signs of spring... well you tell me....

Bluebells in my garden, before the snow!"

What have you seen/ heard this week that was a :

1. Sign of hope?

Volunteers stepping forward for some exciting programs

2. An unexpected word of light in a dark place?

I was finally able to connect with a friend/colleague in person. We've been trying for a month but weather and other circumstances were preventing it. So, meeting was somewhat expected, but I didn't expect it to be so meaningful!

3. A sign of spring?

We can actually see some grass amidst the snow? I'm aching for more!!

4. Challenging/ surprising?

Right now, it feels like every piece of my job (and it feels like a job, not a call or ministry at the moment) is challenging--mostly though the emotional toll working with the other pastor is taking on me.

5. Share a hope for the coming week/month/year....

Week ~ get prepared for Holy Week
Month ~ get through Holy Week without too much exhaustion and then recover
Year ~ a relatively easy delivery of a healthy baby in June and that I'll be a good mom

Leaping Friday Five

Over at RevGals, will smama and Songbird write ~

It's Leap Day!! Whether you're one of the special few who have a birthday only once every four years, or simply confused by the extra day on the calendar, everyone is welcome to join in and play our Leap Year Friday Five.

Tell us about a time you:

1. Leapt before looked
I tend to be a looker before leaper, particularly in the big things. The only things that come to mind here are impulse purchases, but even those tend to be cheap in the grand scheme of things.

2. Leapt to a conclusion
I think I too often jump to negative conclusions about my husband's motivations. He doesn't do things (or rather not do them) to bug me. He's just forgetful and cares about different things than me.

3. Took a Leap of Faith
Entering ordained ministry is/was a huge leap of faith for me, a full-blown introvert.

4. Took a literal Leap
Not so much a literal leaper either!

5. And finally, what might you be faced with leaping in the coming year?
Welcoming a new baby into our family. I'm grateful for the fact that pregnancy takes time, that it's not a sudden leap! Hopefully, I will also be leaping into a new call. It's time; it's past time. But it's bound to be a leap because so many other people's lives are impacted by such a decision.

Time to Join Facebook?

Yesterday I received a very excited email from my older sister, who (apparently) is on Facebook. I may have known this; I may not have. She was excited because a friend had found her and emailed her. This friend had lived with us for a year when she and my sister were high school seniors and I was a seventh grader. Said friend was from Finland. She became part of our family--in fact, she and I looked more like sisters than my sister and I do! We visited Finland and her family a year or so later. We kept in touch for many years, sending Christmas gifts and birthday cards. And then we lost touch. I think my mom still sends Christmas cards, but to no reply. Until yesterday, when my sister received an email from her. That doesn't sound nearly as exciting as it is...I'll have to write more about this friend soon (and come up with some fun pseudonyms for this blog...)!

For today, I've been making a list about whether or not to join Facebook. And I can't decide if these reasons are pros or cons!

~ I'm a pastor, a public figure. Do I want to be even MORE public? But at the same time, could I use this to connect with the youth of my congregation? Or even tech savvy adults?

~ My sister and some friends are on it. But I connect with most of them by email or other ways. Unless there are people on it who I don't know are on it.

~ My teenage stepdaughter is on it, I think. Would she 'friend' me? (I think that's how it goes.) Would that be good or bad?

~ It's another online way to suck away my time. (And another username and password to remember.)

~ Who knows who might find me? But now that we are able to be in touch with said friend, is there anyone else I want to reconnect with for whom this is the most likely way?

So, any readers out there, what do you think? For Facebook or against?

Book Meme

I have been tagged for this meme by RevDrKate so here are the instructions and the play:

Pick up the nearest book of 123 pages or more: The book is Someday by Karen Kingsbury. I'm trying to make more time to read for fun and this was my reading last night. It's light Christian fiction, but full of beautiful words.

Find Page 123: flip, flip, flip......
Find the first 5 sentences: 'k here we go......1, 2, 3, 4, 5......
Post the next three sentences: "Ashley had found it in the box of letters in her parents' closet and thought it was for Brooke, the only firstborn they'd known up to that point. Instead, Ashley read it and realized it was directed toward a son, a brother she'd never known. The letter had changed everything, but until now it had never occurred to Ashley that the precious words from her mother were still tucked in their original envelope."

Tag five people....I tag:
Jessica
and anyone else so inclined!

Baptism Friday Five

Friday Five: The Water and the Word

In this Sunday's gospel Nicodemus asks Jesus, "How can anyone be born after having grown old? Can one enter a second time into the mother's womb and be born?" Poor old Nicodemus! He was so confused about the whole "water and Spirit" business of baptism.

For today's five, tell us about your baptismal experiences.
When and where were you baptized? Do you remember it? Know any interesting tidbits?
I was baptized when I was 25 days old, at the same congregation in which my dad had been baptized and confirmed. (And later where we had his funeral and where I was ordained.) Pretty obviously, I do not remember it, but I do know stories! I didn't cry, which was amazing because I would scream whenever my mom would bathe me. I hated water. I also was supposed to wear the baptismal gown that my mom and sister had worn, but my sister (who was 5) threw a fit and decided that I needed to wear something that matched her favorite green dress. So, I wore a pale green gown.

What's the most unexpected thing you've ever witnessed at a baptism?
As a Lutheran pastor, it is my joy to preside at baptisms, usually of infants. Since I usually baptize infants, it's still somewhat unexpected when the infant clearly makes eye contact with me as I mark the oil cross on their forehead and say, "Child of God, you have been sealed by the Holy Spirit and marked with the cross of Christ forever." When this happens, I get goosebumps.

Does your congregation have any special traditions surrounding baptisms?
At our congregation, an older couple whose daughter died as a young woman always buys a rose for the child being baptized in memory of their daughter. Also, there is a group of ladies who make banners with the child's name and baptismal date for the child to keep.

Are you a godparent or baptismal sponsor? Have a story to tell?
I am a baptismal sponsor for my nephew. As much as I love the chance to preside at baptisms, it's also kind of fun to be on the other side.

Do you have a favorite baptismal song or hymn?
I'm not sure it's really a baptismal hymn, but John Ylvisaker's "I Was There to Hear Your Borning Cry" is one of my favorites!

Happy Valentine's Day!

My husband and I had our "date" this morning at 8 a.m. We went together for the ultrasound of our baby. It was my first ultrasound and it was amazing!! It is unbelievable to see the face and hands and feet and even the baby's internal organs (heart and kidneys). Everything looks good and the right size for our expected due date. As if I didn't love this baby already (or my husband), but what a perfect and love-filled way to spend Valentine's Day!

Lenten Friday Five

Over at RevGals, these are the questions of the day:

1. Did you celebrate Mardi Gras and/or Ash Wednesday this week? How?
No. Mardi Gras isn't a personal tradition of mine even though I have participated in some events in the past. A foot of snow prevented us from holding our Ash Wednesday service. It was, however, wonderful to spend the whole day at home. I even made it a day off by doing very little. I think the most productive thing I did was take a shower. It was lovely.

2. What was your most memorable Mardi Gras/Ash Wednesday/Lent?
There's not one in particular that stands out. The last few years I lived at home, my home congregation had a Mardi Gras Pancake supper. I was the "princess," wearing an old prom dress, taking tickets, and handing out beads. My mom was often in charge, so it meant we were there from beginning to bitter end, making it a long night and a lot of work, but a fun time for our congregation.

3. Did you/your church/your family celebrate Lent as a child? If not, when and how did you discover it?
We always attended Ash Wednesday services and midweek worship services. We sometimes did more focused family devotions.

4. Are you more in the give-up camp, or the take-on camp, or somewhere in between?
Somewhere in between but closer to take-on. Last year, I took on the practice of listening to the Bible on CD whenever I drove in my car alone. It was lovely to have the Word of God surround me in the quietness even when I didn't focus directly on the specifics.

5. How do you plan to keep Lent this year?
I don't have plans this year. That sounds bad, but it's taking all my energy to be pregnant, love my family, and do all the things I need to at home and work. That's all I have and I believe God understands. Nourishing this little person inside me is all I can do this Lent.

Nesting?

One of the things I've read about pregnancy is about a nesting instinct, the desire to make a home for the baby and family. To some extent I'm doing that. I keep looking at cribs and baby clothing and imagining what's to come.

But it looks like I'm really nesting! For Christmas, my mom gave me a cozy down blanket to curl up in while I sit on the couch. But it's shedding like crazy, so when I stand up, the area is covered with feathers.

I guess that will cover the nesting instinct for now!

Whine

It has been a rotten few days--two funerals (one for 85 year old man, one for 17 month old girl) plus their visitations, one high school lock in, one "beat cabin fever" party at church, normal weekend stuff, bad cold, and overdrawing our checking account. Today is my day off which I've managed to sleep most of away because I am completely and totally exhausted. But our house looks like crap--partly me I know, but how hard is it for a grown man and two teenagers to put their dishes in the sink and put the garbage in the garbage can? I just feel like curling up in a ball and crying...I was really praying for a snow day so husband could help with some of this house. How on earth am I going to work full time and take care of a baby when I can't even manage now?

Babies

I've been thinking a lot about babies today in particular. Within the first hour or so of being awake today, I was informed about the death of a 17 month old in my congregation and decided which new pair of maternity pants I would wear that would be comfortable for a long day today but also look professional.

I've been thinking a lot about babies for a few months now. My baby (my first) is due June 30, 2008. I'm pretty preoccupied by this, which I think is fair and understandable. I've been blessed to feel good--very little morning sickness. Some fatigue, but I'm mostly past the point where I fall asleep if I sit for more than two minutes. At my last three appointments, I've been able to hear the baby's heartbeat--even at the first one when I wasn't supposed to worry if I couldn't because it was so early. I'm not really showing yet...but I'm big enough that my usual pants don't fit comfortably. I happened upon an awesome sale yesterday and purchased 2 pairs of pants and 2 tops for $35. I should be able to wear all 4 pieces of clothing for the rest of my pregnancy--or at least most of it.

Today, I'm really glad I'm not showing much. On Saturday, when we do the visitation and funeral for this precious 17 month old baby who died, I'm not sure that I could handle it--nor would I want them to have to watch their visibly pregnant pastor preside over the funeral of their baby.

This baby has had a difficult 17 months; she was born with multiple birth defects. She's had a feeding tube and been on oxygen her whole life. They have spoken of deafness, but I'm not sure if they knew for sure. She had multiple body casts already this far to help reshape her pelvis. Some of her inner organs were turned. She fell asleep last night and didn't wake up this morning. There is no doubt in my mind that life is better for her today. And I know too she was loved and that the life she lived on this earth meant something. Her family and our church family did what they could to love her and make her short life sweet and wonderful. I know her family is hurting, hurting in a way that I can't fully understand, but can understand more than I could 3 months ago.

I've been thinking about babies today. Mostly though about God's babies and praying that God will hold us all.

January in the Midwest

This morning it was 49 degrees at 6:30 a.m. We are now under a blizzard warning. Schools are getting out early. And the low tonight is supposed to be -2 degrees. Yuck!

COLD Friday Five

Singing Owl at RevGals writes, "Brrrr! Baby, it’s COLD outside! At least that is the case where I am this morning. We are in a January deep freeze. Have a cup of hot tea and tackle five easy seasonal questions.

1. What is the thermometer reading at your house this morning?
I was afraid to look. Last night during the 10 p.m. news, the air temperature was -15. (-30 with windchill) It's cold--that's enough for me!

2. Snow—love it or hate it?
I love watching a nice gentle snow--from inside. Actually, it's warmer than it is now when it is snowing, so that would be preferred! I hate, hate, hate to drive in snow or any winter weather though.

3. What is winter like where you are?
Winter is cold, often snowy. This year has been odd. We had a few days of 60 degree weather in January, which is unusual.

4. Do you like winter sports? Any good stories?
I'm not a big fan of winter sports. I'm just not good at them. I have tried both skiing and snowboarding. The day my husband tried to teach me to ski was the same day that my brother-in-law taught his wife (who was then his new girlfriend) to ski. We had been married about 6 months or so, but had been together for four years. My husband stood by and watched, occasionally walking next to me. I'd fall and my husband would bark, "Get up." Brother-in-law held sister-in-law's hands walking backwards down the hill as she skied. I think she may have fallen once and he rushed to help her up. New love...can't beat it!

5. What is your favorite season, and why?
Spring. I love that it's getting warm and knowing it's going to be warm for a while. I also love the new-ness of spring awakenings in my part of the country. The leaves appearing, the flowers shooting up, the days getting longer. Love all of that!

Bonus: Share a favorite winter pick-me-up. A recipe, an activity, or whatever.
I love to curl up under a blanket with a good book, napping if it happens, but mostly the feeling of not having to be productive. Or I love to spend hours working on a puzzle because all winter my family would have a puzzle on our dining room table. We'd spend evenings and weekends gathered around the table working on it.

Not too deep--but a post

Your Birthdate: August 31

You're a pretty traditional person. If it's lasted, it's probably good. You seek stability - both in your career and your romantic relationship. In return, you're very loyal and predictable. Which is usually a good thing. Without a partner, you feel lost. Being with someone is very important to you. Your strength: Your dependability Your weakness: You hate being alone Your power color: Midnight blue Your power symbol: Shell Your power month: April

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

For a 'quiz' that consists of only entering a birthdate, this is pretty accurate. But 'power month,' what does that mean?

Thoughts on Blogging

I am not a very regular poster to this blog. At least once a month, so that my OCD self doesn't go crazy for a month not appearing in the archives. Beyond that...not always so much.

I do, however, read a lot of blogs--often not commenting, but reading and feeling connected to the lives of these bloggers even though we haven't met in person.

Two, however, got me thinking in the past few days. PBB posts about words. Her last sentence really hit me. "They evaporate before you know it, before you can catch them, domesticate them, make them yours." That's the closest to explaining what my words are doing right now. I somehow can't get them to do anything but swirl and float around my mind and not get any farther along than that.

Songbird writes about the sound of pencil on paper and her journey of blogging and journaling. While I was always more of a pen person myself (as opposed to pencil), some of her words spoke to me particularly. "Had I reached a point of such complete change that writing down my thoughts and especially my feelings would not be part of my life anymore?"

If you read my first post, it's about needing a home for my words, a place to once again write and share. When I think about when I did most of my personal writing, it was when life seemed the toughest...whether it really was or not. Now life is tough in different ways than it was then. And more often than not, those words did not get shared with anyone--even my closest friends.

And I'm coming to realize that I want to blog not just to get my words out of me but because I want the community. I'm a shy, introvert pastor, who sees lots of people every day but have very few friends with whom to make daily or even weekly contact. When I think about posting to this blog, I realize that I think about what responses I might get. And when I think that no one reads my blog (okay--I'm sure people stop by now and then), I lack the motivation to make the words stop swirling; I lack the motivation to try to put my thoughts and feelings into words and sentences. I crave comments and responses and, if I'm honest--affirmation. I want to know that I'm not alone in this crazy world in which we live. I want to know that people care what's going on in my life--even if it's only those things I choose to share.

But I know I can't expect people to stop by if I never write, so maybe I'll try a Lenten discipline--since Lent will so soon be upon us. I'll post more often; I'm not ready to commit to daily. I'll do the RevGal Friday Five each Friday. Hopefully I'll get some visitors and some will keep coming back.

And even if not, maybe I'll find again what is missing right now in me, the joy of putting my thoughts into words simply for my own sake.

Is it bad...

when the person you are visiting in the hospital tells you that you look tired?

Saturday

I hate winter. The darkness depresses me. The cold depresses me. I want to curl up under my covers and read a good book or a magazine. Anything but work. I'd rather clean my house than work. This sermon does not want to come. And then I feel like a horrible, awful person--like I'm not good at anything. And that depresses me and I get even less done.

I'm working at changing some of my habits to be healthier. I'm eating better--relatively. I'm exercising more--relatively. But I haven't figured out how to change the mental habits yet. I'm working at it--finding a way to create a schedule that doesn't put me in a position to feel like a schmuck because I'm writing a sermon on Saturday morning for Saturday night and feeling like it sucks and I suck.

Preparation Friday 5

Sally at Revgals writes:This has been a difficult week for me, the death of a little six year old has overshadowed our advent preparations, and made many of us here in Downham Market look differently at Christmas. With that in mind I ask whether you are the kind of person that likes everything prepared well in advance, are you a last minute crammer, or a bit of a mixture.....Here then is this weeks Friday 5:



1. You have a busy week, pushing out all time for preparing worship/ Sunday School lessons/ being ready for an important meeting ( or whatever equivalent your profession demands)- how do you cope?

Cope? I'm not sure I do. I guess I just do my best to get through it and hope for the best.



2. You have unexpected visitors, and need to provide them with a meal- what do you do?
Take them out somewhere. I'm not much of a cook--even for planned guests. Unexpected visitors definitely warrant going out.


Three discussion topics:
3. Thinking along the lines of this weeks advent theme; repentance is an important but often neglected aspect of advent preparations.....
True--but I don't have the energy to reflect more on that now.

4. Some of the best experiences in life occur when you simply go with the flow.....
Also, probably true--even if it's not my strong suit to go with the flow. I need plans. Once a have a plan A, I'm open to change it, but I need to start with a plan.

5. Details are everything, attention to the small things enables a plan to roll forward smoothly...
I'm a detail person. Always have been. It's the "J" in me. But I'm realistic enough that details aren't all that makes things run smoothly. The big picture is important too.

Bonus if you dare- how well prepared are you for Christmas this year?
This depends on what you mean by prepared. I'm preparing in ways that are meaningful to me--buying the gifts I need to buy, doing the things at church that I need to, and not stressing about the rest. I'm not sending cards--at least not now. I'm not putting up decorations--I know, call me the grinch, but they are more work to me than preparation. Feeling calm and anticipating the joy of Christmas Eve and the week of vacation to follow is much more important to me right now.

I Heard It!

She said I might not be able to hear it and not to worry if I didn't because it's early. But I heard it! And everything looks, sounds, feels normal. Yeah!

June 30, 2008 or so

I can hardly wait. I'm overwhelmed--by anxiety and by excitement.

Can we say OCD?

November has been a busy month, not really eventful. Things have happened that I want to post about, but I just don't have the energy. But I'm OCD enough that if the archives don't list November, it will drive me crazy, so I need to post. Isn't that exciting?

It's a Pumpkin/Apple Friday Five

Singing Owl writes:
All Hallows Eve (Halloween) is near. As a child, Halloween was one of my favorite holidays. We didn’t yet worry about razor blades in apples or popcorn balls or some of the other concerns people have with Halloween these days. Halloween was a chance to be mildly scared, and better yet, to dress up and pretend to be something we really weren’t. Let’s talk about that a bit, but then let’s add in some food ideas for this year. Where I live the leaves are falling, the temperature is chilly and pumpkins are for sale everywhere, along with many kids of apples. What's more, the "Holiday Season" will soon be upon us. ACK! I could use a new idea for dessert. So, here we go…

1. How did you celebrate this time of year when you were a child?
Dressing up and trick-or-treating. When my older sister decided she was too old to go with me, the number of houses I went to shrunk dramatically. I only went to a select number of homes in the neighborhood where I knew the people. I did enjoy the whole costume production though. It seems we usually created something--or at least some part of the costume. The least fun I remember was standing on the kitchen table wearing white tights while my mom pinned green ribbon all around my legs in order to create Strawberry Shortcake tights.

2. Do you and/or your family “celebrate” Halloween? Why or why not? And if you do, has it changed from what you used to do?
We did the trick-or-treating thing; occasionally had a jack-o-lantern. Now, I do a "Trick or Trunk" event at my congregation. (People sign up to be in the parking lot, decorate their cars and handout candy from their trunks. The building is open for bathroom use or to warm up.)

(Bonus) 2. Candy apples: Do you prefer red cinnamon or caramel covered? Or something else?
Of the two, I prefer caramel covered. I don't like cinnamon in candy. I'd actually prefer apple chunks to dip in caramel--more caramel to apple ratio.

3. Pumpkins: Do you make Jack O’ Lanterns? Any ideas of what else to do with them?
I don't make jack-o-lanterns. I appreciate other's, but it's not worth it to me.

4. Do you decorate your home for fall or Halloween? If so, what do you do? Bonus points for pictures.
Not really. I guess I have a few fall decorations that I pull out if people will be coming to my house for Thanksgiving.

5. Do you like pretending to be something different? Does a costume bring our an alternate personality?
I like doing something different every year. My costumes generally don't bring out an alternate personality, but I suppose they could.

Bonus: Share your favorite recipe for an autumn food, particularly apple or pumpkin ones.
I'm not a great cook, but a great stuffing for cornish hens (though I suppose it would work in bigger birds too) is apples, craisins, and celery. Stuffing the cornish hens with them helps with moisture, makes the bird taste good, and is yummy to eat too.

7-10 Split

Why this analogy seems meaningful? Not so sure. But here goes....You know when bowling how you sometimes get the 7-10 split--the back corner pin on either side? Then, if you are not a professional bowler, you have two main choices. Aim for the right or aim for the left. And then, more often than not, the ball still ends up sailing right down the middle and hitting neither. So, you really have a third choice--just give up trying and let it go straight down the center. I feel like I'm standing with a 20 pound bowling ball in my hand, trying to decide where to aim. Really--does it matter? Standing here holding this heavy ball isn't getting me anywhere.

Preoccupation

I've begun this post about fourteen times. I want to post. I want this blog to be a place to write about what's going on for me and in me. I want to know that if people stop by to read, they'll find something.

But at the moment, everything seems to take so much effort. I'm emotionally exhausted--mostly from trying to hide the fact that I'm emotionally exhausted and preoccupied.

A few posts ago (http://homeforwords.blogspot.com/2007/07/two-letters.html), I wondered about which letter to send. I decided. And I think it's right. I decided, after tons of conversation with my husband, to proceed with the potential call process. But the problem is the waiting. The congregation is not going to vote for another two weeks--and I can't tell very many people. That preoccupies my thoughts. That and the fact that I really need to leave this place. It's no longer good for me. It was, it has been, but it's not now. And I really hate to say it because I do love the people here, but I can't keep this up.

There's so much more to say, so much going on, but I just can't now.

Cricket Torture

When I was in high school and during summers home from college, I worked at my hometown public library. This library owned a copy of the lovely Eric Carle book entitled The Very Quiet Cricket. The cricket in that book was anything but quiet. It was supposed to chirp only when the book was held open. However, it chirped constantly. Unless, of course, you found the book, opened it, and slammed it shut really, really hard. It seemed that this job often fell to me. And, it was in fact, rather fun to search out the sound and find the book. (Children's picture books were in bins--supposedly by the first letter of the author's last name. They were often not in the "right" place because kids had rummaged through them.)

I wish this cricket was as easy to silence. I have a cricket chirping in my office. I can find its general vicinity. If I could find it, I'd take it outside. I'd even leave it here...if it would just be quiet! It started late this morning--I decided to leave early for lunch. It has resumed now--guess it's time to leave for today!

If it starts again tomorrow...well, I'm not sure what I'll do. Hopefully it will have found a new home by then.

Two Letters

Which one should I send? (Okay, somewhat obviously, these are rough drafts and details will be filled in as the decision is made. But I really feel that I need to have a pretty good idea before Monday as we are going to some serious planning for this school year and if I might be leaving, it makes a big difference.) Enough commentary...

Letter #1
Dear beloved people of Current Congregation,

It is with thankfulness that I write this letter to you. I want to thank you for the past four years. It was with your support and love that I was transformed from a scared seminarian to a confident pastor. I have learned so much in this time with you. We've shared joyful times and difficult ones. We've worshiped God together. We've learned and we've laughed.
I believe with my whole heart that being called to this place was God's intention for me. I was called by you as a congregation to lead you for this time, but the time as come for me to lead another part of the body of Christ.
I have accepted a call to another congregation. My last day here with you will be....


Letter #2
Dear Call Committee of Potential Place,

I want to thank you for the time you have spent with me and for your confidence in me. I am honored and pleased that you believe I have the gifts to be your next pastor. I was pleased to meet all of you and believe that your congregation is a lovely place. However, after significant time spent in prayer and in conversation with many people who I trust, I feel that I must withdraw my name from your process.
I pray that God will lead the right person to you. You will be in my prayers.

Wow--both of these sounded different in my head and now I can't write either of them. I can't write a good-bye letter to my current congregation even though I want so badly to be gone. I can't write a letter withdrawing my name from a place that wants me, but that's in a place my husband does not want to go and would require us to live in two households for at least many months. All I want to know is what the right thing to do is...and I don't know.

Anniversaries and Elusive Happiness

This time of year is like an emotional minefield for me, never knowing quite how the days will pass, never knowing what might unleash a torrent of unavoidable tears, not knowing if the days might pass in a simple silent remembrance or an almost forgotten whisper.

These days are anniversaries. Friday was the anniversary of my dad's death. This year marks 20 years. He was 55. I was 9. He was too young; so was I. Saturday was the anniversary of the visitation. And today, today is the anniversary of my dad's funeral. And also, what would have been my parents' 40th wedding anniversary. (Yes, his funeral was on their 20th wedding anniversary. He knew it would be--he had said that he'd either die or we'd have the funeral that day when he was sent home two weeks earlier with oxygen, pain medication, and the reality that this was the end of the treatment and the end of this life. I almost wrote sent home without hope, but that's not true. We had lots of hope--hope for a miracle, and also hope for fulfillment of God's promises.)

Some years these anniversaries aren't so bad--sometimes they aren't so good. This year, not so good. I did a wedding on Friday and another was here on Saturday. A lovely couple celebrated their anniversary today and provided flowers. And all these pointed to my dad, pointed to my family. And I wanted to cry.

And Saturday I received a letter I didn't want to get. And I didn't realize how much I wanted things to turn out differently. I interviewed at a congregation not too far away from here. It would require a move--but a move that would be closer to my (step)kids and a move that would allow my husband to keep his current job and commute. I wasn't really sure this was the place for me, but I wanted it to be. I didn't want to hear that a congregation didn't want me--or at least didn't want to talk to me one more time or hear me preach or... I didn't realize how much this would hurt.

And in response, I ended up fighting with my husband, crying and asking only to be left alone. I ended up feeling alone and lonely and sad and hurtful and like happiness was not mine to have. And I know that's not fair. We worked it out and went to bed okay with each other. But still I woke up in the night and lay there for an hour--very unlike me--unsure of where to go from here.

Today, this evening, I feel like happiness is less elusive, but I'm still sad. I'm still tired. I still don't know where to go next. But I'll take today. I'll face tomorrow and go from there. Not much else that I can do.

An Unnamed Woman ~ Luke 7:36-50

My first instinct was to post this asking for thoughts, comments, and responses about whether this will work as my sermon this weekend, but realized that it's what I'm using anyhow, since I won't have time to come up with anything else. So...I still crave thoughts, comments, and responses, just please don't tell me it won't work as my sermon!

I must admit that today’s gospel lesson is one of my favorites. Sure, we don’t know much about the woman in this passage. She’s unnamed. We don’t know if she’s old or young, married or single, mother or not. The only descriptor used for her is sinner. Many have speculated about her identity, trying to make assumptions about what this means exactly or what woman named elsewhere she might be. But the truth is we don’t know. All we do know is recorded in these few short verses.

But somehow this woman’s story resonates with me. She is a sinner who weeps at Jesus’ feet and walks away forgiven. Sounds an awful lot like my story; sounds an awful lot like our story. When we gather for worship, we live this story. We confess our sin, come to the feet of Jesus at his table, receive his body and blood, and walk away forgiven. So, travel back with me to that Pharisee’s house, to that dinner with Jesus. Indulge me as I tell this woman’s story as my own, as I put words in her mouth and speak as if I know the story of her life. Put yourself in her place too; allow yourself to feel as if you are the one speaking. If it’s helpful to you, feel free to close your eyes. Either way, listen to this unnamed woman’s story—this story that is our story too.



I was aware of how sinful I was. I had made many bad choices. Often, it seemed that I could do nothing right. No matter what my good intentions were, I still sinned. Of course, there were times when I did good things or made good choices. However, some people just could not see that in me. All they were willing or able to see were the bad things that I had done. Why could they not see the good in me? Was there really so little? I knew that some of my choices had been contrary to God’s commands. I knew that. I did not need to be reminded of each and every sinful thing that I had ever done. There was nothing I could do to erase the past. If I could have made changes in the things I had done, I would have. But the past was gone and over. If only others could see that this was so, maybe I could do better in the future. It was so hard to do good when no one expected that of me.

And so I came to Jesus. I knew that coming to Jesus was the only way that I could move forward in my life. Maybe he would have pity on me. Maybe he would have mercy on me. I had heard that Jesus accepted all kinds of people. He even ate with many evil people. Maybe, just maybe, he would not turn me away. He would look at me and see me—not all the terrible things that I have done in my life.

But what if he didn’t? What if he was no different than all the rest? What if I had done too many horrible things? What if he couldn’t look past them? I remembered all my bad choices and all I could do was cry when I came near to him. I fell at his feet and wept, wept for all the terrible things that I had ever done, wept in sorrow for alienating myself from everyone by the choices that I had made, wept in the fear that Jesus would tell me to go away and call me a sinner just as all those gathered around him did. I did the only thing I could do. I used my tears to wash Jesus’ feet. I dried the tears from his feet with my hair. I could hear the people all around us telling Jesus how terrible I was and how he should not be letting himself be touched by such a horrible person. I tried my hardest to ignore them as I continued my task of washing Jesus’ feet. I touched his feet with all the love that I had in me. I knew that showing Jesus my love and repentance was the only thing that I had, the only thing that I could give of myself amidst the truth of the terrible things they said. The only gift I had to give to this magnificent Jesus was myself—my poor, broken, sinful self.

And then, the most amazing thing happened! Jesus accepted the gift of myself! Jesus said to me, “Your sins are forgiven.” I couldn’t help but to hope for forgiveness when I came to Jesus, but I was realistic not to expect it. I surely did not deserve it. The joy that filled my being when Jesus offered me forgiveness is indescribable. Jesus forgave me! Jesus did not listen to the voices that were more than willing to condemn me. Jesus’ voice was the one that echoed in my head. “Your sins are forgiven.” I could leave that place with my head held high. I was forgiven. Yes, I was sinful and would always make mistakes, but more important than that was that I was forgiven.

And so now, when I make a mistake, when I sin, I remember the words Jesus spoke to me. “Your sins are forgiven.” I remember Jesus and the hope he gave me. I am able to live my life without the weight of my sinful self constantly bearing down on me. I can live in the joy of forgiveness. And I’m still learning what that means for my life. Each day brings new challenges, new thoughts, new opportunities. Each day is a new day to live in the joy of forgiveness, to lift my head and tackle whatever comes my way. Each day gives me a chance to share this joy with others and to live into this promise. Each day is a new chance to live into the joy of Jesus’ forgiveness.

Amen.

Making Space

The heaviness of winter’s air is starting to lift
The promise of spring looms in front of me
The darkness of the night makes way for the light of day
Outside spring is in full force
Outside the sun shines brightly
But inside, I’m making space
Opening my heart to the promise of a springtime in my life
Waiting for the new thing
Anticipating what lies ahead
Knowing that I can face the remaining days of cold and darkness

Friday Five ~ Dental Edition

1. Are you a regular patron of dentists' offices? Or, do you go
a) faithfully, as long as you have insurance, or
b) every few years or so, whether you need it or not, or
c) dentist? what is this "dentist" thing you speak of?
I hate to admit it, but c. I really, really, really hate going to the dentist. So much that I haven't found a dentist in the four years that I've had insurance that would cover it. In the years I didn't have dental insurance, it didn't make me sad to not go.

2. Whatever became of your wisdom teeth?
All four are now gone. While in college, I had oral surgery to remove them as all four were impacted and some were growing into my sinus cavities. I think surgery was better than pulling would have been. At least I got to be put under! In recovering, I did have dry sockets that hurt a lot! Ibuprofen became my best friend along with mashed potatoes and other soft food.

3. Favorite thing to eat that's BAAAAAD for your teeth.
I like sugary caffeinated carbonated beverages--like Pepsi. But I'm working on cutting all that out.

4. Ever had oral surgery?
See number 2.

5. "I'd rather have a root canal than _________________."
I've never had a root canal...but I don't know anything worse than any dental procedure, so I guess I'll leave this blank.

Bonus: Does your dentist recommend Trident?
Since I don't have a dentist...guess I can't answer this one either.


Okay, okay, I'll find a dentist! Soon. I think.

Friday Five ~ "Clergy Superbowl" Edition

1. Will this Sunday be Palms only, Passion only, or hyphenated?
Hyphenated. We'll read the Palm Sunday reading early in the service and later use the Passion narrative (read in a 'reader's theater' kind of way) as the gospel reading/sermon. First year we've done that here--basically because senior pastor doesn't want to write a sermon this year. Not because it's part of some master plan for a meaningful Holy Week. Okay--no more venting (in this post anyway).

2. Maundy Thursday Footwashing: Discuss.
As much as I don't like footwashing because I simply hate feet, I think it can be done well. I have been on both sides--the washee and the washer. It was hard to be the washee, not because my pastor (I was a teen at the time) was washing my feet, but because the rest of the congregation was watching. What kind of look was I supposed to have? I don't like people touching my feet--could I grimace? Should I smile? What should I be feeling? On the other hand, I've only be the washer once--while in seminary doing field ed. In this particular case, the people whose feet we washed were two little children, who had not yet been baptized. That was meaningful for me...that God still loved, served, gave his life for these lovely children...and this water was just water, but a sign to me of the promise that was to come for them in the waters of baptism.

3. Share a particularly meaningful Good Friday worship experience.
The tradition of my family growing up was always meaningful. At noon (or early afternoon), we went to a service at another Lutheran church in our town. They had a statue(? It hung from the ceiling, so I'm not sure of the right word.) of Jesus that was above the altar in the center of their sanctuary (in the round). I don't recall any outside windows, so even though it was mid-day, it was dark. As we heard the story once again, the lights were dimmed and gradually, a black veil was lifted to cover Jesus. We left in darkness and silence. Then, we would often go back to our own congregation for an evening tenebrae service, particularly meaningful when I didn't expect the Bible or a door to be slammed shut. I think the most meaningful aspect though of Good Friday for me remains the leaving in darkness and silence. Even as the leader, that's how I want the service to end. I don't want to be asked a question that can wait until another day; I don't want to make small talk. I want to spend one evening totally focused on Jesus and what he gave up for us.

4. Easter Sunrise Services--choose one:a) "Resurrection tradition par excellence!"b) "Eh. As long as it's sunrise with coffee, I can live with it."c) "[Yawn] Can't Jesus stay in the tomb just five more minutes, Mom?!?"
A!! I'm not a morning person; every other Sunday, I'm snuggled under my covers convincing myself that I really don't need that extra five minutes to get ready. The bed is so much more important. But on Easter Sunday--I want to start the celebration in the dark, bleary eyed and slow moving as I get ready. I want to be one of the first to the church, where I am greeted with semi-darkness and the overwhelming first smell of the Easter lilies as I open the door. I want to greet other bleary eyed travelers on this faith journey and share the amazement that Christ is risen. I want to worship in joy and celebration and gradually increasing light.

5. Complete this sentence: It just isn't Easter without...
Greeting people with this phrase..."Christ is risen!" and being greeted in reply with "He is risen indeed. Alleluia!" I'm still working at training this congregation in this habit; it makes me so sad to not have this.

Bonus: Any Easter Vigil aficionados out there? Please share.
I've only been to very modified Easter vigils that I've led, using a set-up that was given to me as to what was done in the past. I'd like to attend one, and one done really well, so I have a good frame of reference.

Biblical Literacy, Biblical Fluency, and Beautiful Words

I’m not convinced that my words will come together as eloquently as I’d wish, but I’m going to give it a try. In the past few months, I have attended a number of workshops and retreats and pieces of each have come together in a variety of ways.

One of the things we church leaders (as least in my denomination) often speak of is biblical illiteracy, a lack of biblical knowledge, of people not knowing the Bible. While the speaker I heard wouldn’t disagree, I don’t think, he made a distinction between literacy and fluency.

The comparison is learning a language. It is possible to be fluent before being literate. A first stage is recognizing the language when it is spoken around you. Then, you can pick out a few words. Later, you can understand it when it’s spoken. Then you can speak it. And eventually, you can learn to read and write it. For example, think of how you learned your first language. You were probably fluent before you were literate, though you continued learning.

Anyway, so what if the problem in many of our churches is not so much biblical literacy as biblical fluency? We don’t even recognize the language when it is spoken around us. And the only solution is hearing and absorbing the language of the Bible.

On another note, lately I’ve been listening to books on CD, surrounding myself with beautiful words. This started when I was driving many hours each week. But this habit has continued, even if it’s only a few moments in the car on my way to work or home.

And so, this Lenten season, I’m surrounding myself with beautiful words—the beautiful words of the Bible. While, in the grand scheme of things, my biblical fluency is pretty high, as is my biblical literacy, it really can’t hurt to increase both or surround myself with these beautiful words.

RevGalBlogPals Friday Five

1. What is one place you make sure to take out-of-town guests when they visit? (you can be vague to preserve your anonymity if you like)
There isn't one--at least that I've found in the four or so years I've lived here.

2. When visiting another city or town, do you try to cram as much in as possible, or take it slow and easy?
When visiting another city, there are usually certain things that I want to see and make an effort to do so. Sometimes it means cramming a lot in. Other times it's slow and easy.

3. When traveling, where are we most likely to find you: strolling through a museum, checking out the local shopping, or _________________?
Strolling through a museum...or checking out local restaurants, I guess.

4. Do you like organized tours and/or carefully planned itineraries, or would you rather strike out and just see what happens?
I like plans and organization. But I don't want every minute structured either.

5. After an extended trip, what do you find yourself craving most about home?
I miss my own pillow, my own bed, my own shower. I crave the ability to not live out of a suitcase.

RevGalBlogPals Friday Five

It's been a very full, busy week. Here's the F5, short and sweet.

The questions are simple, the answers unlimited. Go!

Who Director of Youth and Family Ministry, my friend

What turned in her letter of resignation

When yesterday

Where at my congregation

Why because she got a different job and she has been unhappy here

Bonus: How it makes me feel? Very happy for her. Mixed feelings for me. I'm sad because I'll really miss her. We really helped support each other, both in terms of helping each other out when need be, but also to encourage each other through the challenges of relating with senior pastor. I'm relieved, because I will no longer be in the middle between her and senior pastor, even when they didn't intentionally put me there. I'm motivated because it's part of the push I needed to work on completing the paperwork required to make myself available for a different call. I'm worried about what additional stuff I'm going to have to take on in the near future. But most of all, I'm going to miss her.

What Accuracy!

You Are 0% Extrovert, 100% Introvert

You avoid people at all costs You aren't one for social interaction And you limit your interaction to a select few Thank God for self checkout!

Are You An Extrovert or An Introvert?

Here's to Becoming Healthier?

I'm not really much of a resolution maker, at least not particularly in relationship to the beginning of a new year. But this year, my husband and I decided that we need to be healthier. Neither of us are horribly unhealthy; we don't get sick much or have major health problems. Both of us are a few pounds overweight, but not outrageously so. We both want our clothes to fit right again.

So this is what we've tried to do:
1. Eliminate the beloved Pepsi products from our life. (Neither of us can drink diet and I'm at high risk for osteoporosis which caffeine and carbonation are bad for. The only thing going for me is that I don't and have never smoked.)
2. Eat more fruits and vegetables.
3. Eat at home more so that we eat less fat, grease, and otherwise bad for you stuff.
4. Exercise every day.

We started on January 2nd and have done fairly well.

I've had these results:
1. A sore throat and snuffly nose
2. A headache just about every day
3. An upset tummy the past few days
4. A back so out of whack that it will take at least 3 visits to the chiropractor this week to get me straightened out. (The shooty, tingling pain down the leg is no good.)

So--am I becoming healthier? Or should I go back to eating unhealthfully and being a slug?

RevGalBlogPals Friday Five

Okay--it's a new year, time to try something new...my first foray into the Friday Five!

1. "It's my party and I'll [blank] if I want to..."
Favorite way to celebrate your birthday (dinner with family? party with friends? a day in solitude?)
I want to be able to celebrate with my family. A nice dinner sounds good. My husband remembering the day is also helpful. (In his defense, he remembers, he's usually just a day early. The only time he's ever early!)

2. "You say it's your birthday... it's my birthday too, yeah..."
Do you share your birthday with someone famous?
Maria Montessori ~ I thought that was especially cool when I was in early childhood education classes.
Debbie Gibson ~ This was even cooler when I was in junior high and she was big.

3. "Lordy Lordy look who's forty..."
Milestone birthdays:
a) just like any other birthday--they're just numbers, people.
b) a good opportunity to look back/take stock
c) enjoy the black balloons--I'll be hiding under a pile of coats until the day is over
d) some combination of the above, or something else entirely.
A, I guess. The milestones I've hit haven't seemed a big deal. Ask next year.

4. "Happy birthday, dear... Customer..."
Have you ever been sung to in a restaurant? Fun or cringe-worthy?
I know I have...must have been somewhat cringe-worthy. Otherwise I'd have better memories of it.

5. "Take my birthday--please"
Tell me one advantage and one disadvantage about your particular birthday (e.g. birthday in the summer--never had to go to school; birthday near Christmas--the dreaded joint presents)
EDITED TO ADD: This could also simply be something you like/dislike about your birthday (e.g. I like sharing a birthday with my best friend, etc.).
Disadvantage ~ It seems that my birthday always falls on a weekday, which means school or work. And, more often than not, this now means that I often have to work in the evening which eliminates the spending time with my family that day.
Advantage ~ My best friend and I share a birthday, which is cool. Our moms shared a hospital room when we were born. She's two hours older. We ended up not meeting until junior high but became instant friends that have stood the test of time.

Good News

Preaching to me is all about good news, or it should be. If I haven't heard some good news about what God has done, is doing, or will do, it's not a sermon. It may be a nice talk or a good speech, or something, but it's not a sermon. It's not proclamation.

And, I believe that the good news of God transcends many things and comes to us in many ways. But the coolest thing recently is that I heard a sermon that transcended even language!

I took four years of high school German and one year in college. That was about 10 years ago, but I had a chance to go to a German Christmas service and hear my friend Jess preach in German. And I got it!! Okay, so I got enough of it from the German to know in my heart that it was good news. And then when I read it in English, that was confirmed.

And, I'm sure I'll steal (I mean borrow and share) some of the ideas for my Christmas Eve sermon.

Thank you, Jess!

(I'd make a link for you if I knew how!)

Christmas Decorations

So the pastor that I work with is obsessed with decorating. Outdoor lights galore, three trees at home, decorations in his office. And I'm pretty much the other extreme. Let's just say I'm a minimalist. I do have some indoor decorations at home, half of which are up because by the time Easter rolled around last year and they were still up, I decided to embrace it and leave them up all year. We don't yet have a Christmas tree and even discussed whether or not to get one. But since we are hosting Christmas for my husband's family this year, we decided we should put one up. I've been thinking a lot about this and wondering if I'm a scrooge or what.

Some of my favorite childhood memories involve decorating the house for Christmas--music coming from the 8-track player (particularly Silver Bells and All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth), the smell of cookies baking, pulling out the boxes of ornaments and telling the story of each as we put them on the tree, often in pairs (one set for my sister and one set for me).

So, when I think about these memories, I realize that the reason decorations aren't a priority for me is that I have no desire to do them alone. It's something that I want to do with others, with those I love, with people who care about the memories of the ornaments, or appreciate the sappy, silly, or cheesy Christmas songs playing. As much as I love my husband, this isn't something that he seems to care about. If I want to decorate, the response is "whatever you want" or "go ahead." Not good enough, not worth it. Christmas will come; Christ will be born. I'll get to celebrate at worship, singing Silent Night by candlelight and this year I'll even get to preach, to proclaim Christ again among us. That's better than trees and lights and ornaments.

Who I Am (aka Thanksgiving with my family)

So I read this quote in response to some Biblical text and while it didn't fit the theme of where my sermon was headed that week, it just grabbed me and wouldn't let go.

"It is in the reciting of our history, salvation history, that we are reminded of who God is and who we are in response to God." ~ Adele Stiles Resmer

I agree with this author, though I couldn't have said it nearly so eloquently. This quote points to the recitation of the history of what God has done from the beginning of time, not just in our lives, but also then who we are as God's people. It happens over and over in the Bible. The Israelites lose their way in the desert and they are reminded of all God has done to and for them to that point. Every time we Christians gather in worship, we recount the story of salvation history in some shape or form--pointing to what God has done in the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ. And in that, we learn who we are in response to God. And we can see that it's bigger than just me, or even just my immediate family, it's from the beginning of time. Profound in its own right.

So...why is this post subtitled "aka Thanksgiving with my family"? Because, I think this quote--though tweaked--is relevant. Try this out: "It is in the reciting of our history, our family history, that we are reminded of who our family is and who we our in response to our family." It is in hearing where we've come from and what we've shared and the people who came before us that reminds us who we are and continues to shape us into who we become.

We didn't tell too many family stories this Thanksgiving, but there were some told and some just remembered. We told of the time "I drown-ded" (my words) when I was about five and fell in the lake trying to help my sister. We told about the Christmas that was 60 degrees so the promised sleigh ride turned into a wagon ride at the farm of the family friends whose dog always looked both ways before crossing the street. We told about the time(s) we told my grandpa we were having chicken for Thanksgiving dinner because he didn't like turkey. And I thought of many others--the stories of my great-grandparents who came to this country in search of a better life--stories that shaped me even though I never knew them as people. These stories surround me, shape me, uplift me, remind me of who I am.

Relatively Speaking

One of the things I love about being a pastor is this...(please read sarcasm here)...two members of the same family wanting to come visit with me about things going on in their lives and how that includes having difficulty with the other said family member. I've met with one so far and have an appointment with the other later this month. The one later is a lunch date; something that we do every few months or so. We are pretty close in age, so are going out for lunch more as friends than pastor/parishioner. But I'm still the pastor and realize that this is a fine line to walk. Should be interesting...

Wedding Reflections

Before I became a pastor, I was involved in a grand total of two weddings. The very first wedding was my own. The second was my sister's; I was the matron of honor/only female wedding party member/personal attendant. Our weddings were very similar in some ways and very different in others. But both were small.

Now as a pastor, I've been involved in a number of weddings ~ from very small (the couple, their children as attendants, and immediate family) to one this weekend (7 attendants on each side, plus a flower girl and ring bearer). I do meet with couples for three sessions before the wedding--to talk about common issues that couples encounter and about the ceremony itself and often to allow me to get to know the couple. Many of these are people who are not active or involved in the church; some have parents or grandparents who are. Rarely do we have weddings for non-members, due to a policy established before I came to this congregation.

At each wedding though, I have wondered why the couple has come to the church for the wedding though. And I do ask that question in my sessions. For many, the answer is tradition or it's important to my family. Some do say that they do have a faith background and for a step such as marriage, they want to recognize God's involvement in it.

Either way, though, I find it hard to preach at weddings. I know the bride and groom aren't listening very closely...let's be honest. I don't know most of the people gathered. I can't even see them...I stand at the altar with the bride and groom facing me and I'm short, so I can't see over them and it's sometimes difficult to see around attendants. I guess I can only hope that proclaiming the good news of God touches someone each time. I just have to proclaim and let it go. Easier said than done.

Did I ever mention that I'm a "J"?

In the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator scale, I always test as a "J" ~ a judger versus a perceiver. This means I like things like order, structure, details, organization. These things are true of me. Not only do I like these things, but I do them fairly well. It makes me happier and less stressed out. So, why write about this?

Because while I love plenty of non-J's, a group of them should not be in charge of a massive gathering that requires things like: organization, details, structures, order--especially if they are asking others to be the hosts of such a gathering.

Such was the case this weekend. My congregation was asked to host a gathering for close to 200 people, which is about what our sanctuary can hold. We were gradually given bits and pieces of things we needed to know from about four different people. Even so, it was not nearly enough for me to be happy or satisfied with the process. And, I believe, it made us as a congregation look disorganized and unprepared. Which is somewhat true, but only because we were not given the information we needed. I didn't think to ask too many questions in advance...I didn't even know what questions to ask. Also, it wasn't "my" project--it was my colleagues. And while he might be more "J" than some of the planners of this event, he's not nearly as "J"-like as me and didn't get the appropriate information either.

So...the moral of this story:
I need to prepare for any event that will happen at my congregation, whether I've been the one working on the project or not. And I need to ask lots of questions!

And, for all you non-J's out there:
If you need to be in charge of a massive gathering, please ask a loving and caring "J" to help you think through all the details and organization!

Swedish Fish

Ingredients: sugar, invert sugar (what makes this different from 'regular' sugar), corn syrup (aka sugar), modified corn syrup (aka sugar), citric acid, white mineral oil, artificial flavors, red 40 and carnuba wax.

Is it really horrible that I really like these?

Happy Halloween!

Last night was trick-or-treating in my town, so this year's costume (a doctor, complete with scrubs and stethoscope) has been worn and put away leaving me to reflect on some of my past Halloween costumes. I can't remember them all, but I do remember many...a strawberry, a leopard, an M&M, a crash test dummy, an old lady, Laura Ingalls Wilder, Strawberry Shortcake, and Peter Pan. And each has a story--something going on at the time that particularly relates to the costumes. But for today, my favorite is Peter Pan. I wore green tights and one of my dad's button-down shirts with a belt cinching it around my waist. And the hat...jaunty Peter Pan hat with a red feather on the side. Where did this hat come from? I couldn't tell you...but I know that is why I was Peter Pan that year. But even more importantly is the story of the picture in my mind when I think of that costume. The picture that comes to mind is my grandma...the hat on her head tipped sideways, placed there by a joking cousin, the hand holding out a (root) beer, and the great big smile on her face. Family...home...coziness...love, that's the stuff of Halloween that I hold on to.

There's Only One of ME!

HowManyOfMe.com

There is: 1 person with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

Things About Me, Part II

11. I am horrible at small talk.
12. I tend to take care of other people first.
13. I have a few irrational fears (though not of the number 13).
14. Most days, my favorite thing to do would be curl up under a soft, cozy blanket and read a good book.
15. I would rather live in a small town than a big city.
16. I have high expectations for people, sometimes way too high.
17. I love TiVo.
18. I love hearing and telling stories of my family, particularly my great-grandparents' stories of coming to the United States.
19. I enjoy watching home decorating shows, but can't say I've implemented anything into my own home.
20. I despise cleaning the bathroom.

Things About Me, Part I

1. I've been thinking that I should write "100 Things About Me" since my first entry.
2. I'm not sure I'll ever come up with 100 things about me to say.
3. It really annoys me that I didn't blog in September because now on the blog archive list, September doesn't appear.
4. I've taken various forms of the Myers-Briggs test numerous times since high school and always come out an ISFJ.
5. I'm using this post to procrastinate doing things that are much more important.
6. I have never had a pet (unless you count the three fish I picked out that lived at our house for two weeks before my husband took the fish tank to school and promptly killed two of them).
7. I miss being a student.
8. I want to rearrange my office, but this is really the only way all the furniture fits.
9. I want one room in my house that I don't have to share.
10. I have lost many loved ones, but lately I miss my grandma the most.

Control

I admit it, I like being in control. I like order and structure, but I like to create it. And lately, it's felt like things are out of my control. There is order and structure and deadlines and none of these things are ones that I got to choose. In my faith journey, I resonate with Carrie Underwood's debut single, "Jesus Take the Wheel." Maybe it's because of when it came out, right after I was in a serious car accident myself. The words of the chorus reflect a prayer I want to say:

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

But...as much as I want Jesus to be in control of my life; as much as I believe that God is in control, I also believe in free will. I believe that God made us people who can and do make choices and decisions about our lives. So God is not in control to the point of scheduling this meeting or that gathering or my husband's football game. I feel like I should have some control over some of them...and lately, it feels like I haven't had any control over any of them. And that makes me cranky and overwhelmed and tired.

But it's starting to level out again. Maybe it's the anticipation of a few days of upcoming vacation, though those may be busy. But I get to be completely in control of the schedule those days. (Okay--not completely, there will be other people's schedules to coordinate with--husband, in-laws, friends.) But they won't be work days! I will be away from the place that requires me to be "on;" I'll be in places where I can just "be."

This is a test....

Since October it has bugged me that September is missing from my sidebar...will this post change that?

Bookends

I like order and details, so I note the following: this post marks a number of bookends. Today is the last day of the month; my last post was on the first of the month. This is post number 10; a nice round numbered post. Today is my birthday, a bookend of its own, the end of one year and the start of another. While it isn't a "milestone" birthday so to speak, it is the start of my last year in my 20s. Earlier this month, my coworkers were explaining to a young boy that "all grown-up ladies are 29." Today, a card from one of my coworkers read, "29 for real? Have a happy one! (over and over and over again)" And I wonder, next year, will I suddenly want to start denying my age? Because I don't feel any older, and haven't for years. I do avoid saying my age because, in my line of work, it seems like I only need to use it to defend myself--to prove that I have experience despite appearing much younger than I am. We'll just have to wait for that bookend experience next year I guess!

For another bookend, my friend Jess at whatyoutoo.blogspot.com (I don't know how to make links yet) celebrates a bookend today. She's coming home!!

Motivation

Where did mine go? Even this post has been days in the making--and not because I was too busy the last few days to get to it, but simply because vegging out in front of my TV seemed like a much better option.

My to-do list just seems to get longer with each passing second. Somehow all the "necessary" work gets done--the sermons get written (if on Saturday afternoon for a 5 p.m. service), the Bible School openings get prepared (if on the drive into church), the shut-ins I'm to visit this month get visited (if on the 31st), and so on. At home, the lawn eventually gets mowed (though the piles of raked up grass have sat for 3 days--blame the heat wave!), the dishes get placed in the dishwasher (at least I put water in them when I put them in the sink!), the plants get watered (at least the one I'm most concerned will die), and so on.

But the items on the to-do list of things that I really do want to do suffer.
1. Email friends with whom I haven't spoken for some time
2. Work on paperwork to open myself up for a different call
3. Organize recipes and cookbooks (and actually try to make some things from scratch!)
4. Finally sort through those boxes of stuff that've been sitting for 3 years
5. Read a book from my bookshelf for fun
6. Decorate parts of my house--nothing too drastic, but replacing the curtains I've hated since we moved in would be a good start!
7. Organize all the craft items that I've saved "because I might use it"
8. Work on scrapbooking my life
9. Make a quilt using my college t-shirts
10. Go through my closet and get rid off all the clothes I don't need or wear

I used to think I was internally motivated--that if there was something I wanted to do, I would and could just do it. When did I lose that? When did I start to need someone or something to push me to keep going? Why does bad TV (okay, mostly home and garden and cooking shows) seem so appealing? Why am I so tired? And why do all the things on that list seem like they will take so much more energy than I can muster?

Community and Lonliness

I have a sort of love/hate with community. When I was in seminary, I hated the forced attempts at "community building." For me, those kinds of events never seemed to do the trick. I didn't necessarily feel like I was part of the seminary "community." "The lonliest place is alone in a crowd," someone said to me recently. And I thought that's what I felt.

But, now as I look back on my life, I see how often I felt that I was alone in the crowd, not really part of a community but outside on the fringes, looking in and aching to be a part of the group. Now that I'm in a completely different place, I realize that I was part of a community. It may not have been that formal community that I felt was trying to be formed without sucess, but it was a real community. It was the community forged through common experiences, through informal times spent together over meals and homework and walks to work. It was the community forged through honesty and openness because we had the time to learn to trust each other.

But here I am now, aching for community and realizing that I can't have it. For lots of reasons. I haven't had time to learn to trust. I'm in a position that puts me on display and doesn't present the opportunities I need for it truly to be about giving and receiving from all of us. Friends are nice, but I can only show so much of myself without taking people's pastor away from them. I will never try to take someone's pastor away--whether that pastor is me or anyone else.

So it's now that I see how lonly it is to be alone in a crowd. I am almost always around people and almost always feel alone. And I'm just not sure what to do about it.