How Can I Be Sad?

I recently started following a page on fb--the page of the milk bank where I donated. I think I have to un-follow.

Every post I see makes me sad. Sad that I didn't do more. Sad that I didn't keep pumping longer--for them. I think I'm past sadness that Precious/Thing 2 never got to nurse again after surgery. She makes me too happy to be sad about that. I'm okay with how long she got breastmilk.

The timing made sense for stopping. It was a gradual wean from the pump and I had no problems.

But I'm good at making milk. Even if I had taken that week away from the pump when I was at the youth gathering, I could have resumed pumping as I still had some milk for quite some time.

Why does it make me so sad that I only contributed 285 ounces. It's such a small drop in the bucket for babies who need it. I could have done so much more.

And I'm sad.

Done

Yesterday, at age 16 months (and 1 day), Precious had her very last breastmilk. I stopped pumping at the end of July. My goal was to get her through surgery recovery with mostly fresh breastmilk. After that, we used my frozen stash. I'm happy she got my milk that long and that she seems to like (and tolerate well) cow's milk.

We are done with babies, barring a miracle (aka a failed vasectomy). And that's okay--good even. I held a tiny baby, 5 or 6 weeks old, at a wedding reception recently and I realized that I didn't even feel the slightest twinge of desire to have another baby. I didn't want to be pregnant; I didn't want to give birth; I didn't want to care for another newborn or raise another child.

But...

First, full disclosure, I judge. When I see a baby with a bottle and his/her mother right there, I think, "Oh, it's too bad they aren't breastfeeding. Formula's not the best choice." And then--since Precious--my second thought, "Oh, it could be breastmilk." Ultimately, I know formula's not evil and everyone has to do what is right for them; I don't know the whole story in most cases. I loved, loved, loved breastfeeding and want others to have that same love that I did. And I know not everyone does, so whatever. Do what you need to do.

That said, as I held this baby and fed him his bottle (formula--I watched the parents mix it), he kept turning his little head and nuzzling me, my breast in particular. And I thought, "oh, just to have a baby nurse again...just to snuggle one more baby to my breast and nourish them with this gift...to do something I'm good at and don't have to work to be good at...to be something I am--a nursing mother." And I suppose, with enough hours tied to a pump, I could produce milk again. (I had to check that night--when I squeeze, droplets of milk still come.) But Precious still isn't allowed to try to make suction until at least December. By then, she won't remember how to nurse. She hasn't had anything to suck since June the way it is. And so I'm done.

And it's going to have to be okay.

285

Today, I met my goal. 285 ounces of my milk donated to the milk bank. Milk that will help NICU babies and others for whom it is prescribed by their doctors. I've been pumping exclusively for Precious for the last 8 months or so ~ she'll be 10 months old on Sunday. Pumping is getting tiring and (TMI warning...) I've been starting to get painful bleeding cracks. It's time to slow down.

So, I've made goals.
1. 285 ounces donated to milk bank. (This was 3 trips with a certain cooler I have full each time--that's the significance of the amount!)

2. Precious gets MOSTLY fresh (as in within the same 24 hours) milk until her first birthday. Right now, I'm pumping twice a day, morning and night. She gets all that milk, plus about 4 ounces of my frozen milk.

3. After her birthday, I may think of cutting back to one pumping session a day. It'll depend on what is still in the freezer. I'm going to hold off on cow's milk until a bit later--14-15 months or so. I don't think she'll have a problem with it, but as her surgery is at 13 months I don't want to risk anything complicating having surgery. And, I won't be adding something new when she's recovering.

So, first goal met. It makes me a bit sad that the number isn't bigger for donating, but I'm doing the best I can is so many areas. And this is something good after all.