Reflecting

My Baby Girl is eleven months old today and I'm feeling a bit reflective, but it's not so much because of this day. A 4 month old baby girl died in my community this week. I don't know the family at all but I know people who do. Apparently she was a healthy girl and so they are saying it was SIDS. She went to the babysitter and never came home. I've been thinking about the mother especially. I love nursing my baby. There are moments I complain--I never thought my life would revolve around my breasts. But life has these eleven months. I need to know when she's eaten; I need to plan when I go somewhere if she might eat; I need to carry the pump with everyday to work; I know when it's been a long time between feedings. At the same time, though, there is nothing more restful than her gently nursing and slipping into sleep. It always calms and relaxes me too, sometimes to the point that I just fall asleep too. To be able to do this is such a gift. So I've been thinking about this mother. I don't know if she was breastfeeding or not, but I can't help but think of how awful it must be--full breasts, empty arms. My baby's getting extra love.

Friday Five--Appliance Edition

1. What is the one appliance you simply couldn't be without?
Probably the microwave. I'm not much of a cook--so microwave it is. That or our toaster oven.

2. What if anything would you happily give up?
Coffee maker. I don't drink coffee, but we own one in case we ever have company who does. It is stored in the cabinet.

3. What is the most strangest household appliance you own?
I guess that would be the "Magic Bullet." My husband decided we needed one and we use it pretty regularly for smoothies.

4. What is the most luxurious household appliance you own?
I don't think any of our appliances are luxurious.

5. Tell us about your dream kitchen- the sky is the limit here....
I'm not much of a cook, so the simple appliances work for me. But maybe, if we are dreaming....how about a chef?

Friday Five--Time Out Edition

As posted at RevGals:
Holy Week is almost upon us, I suspect that ordained or not, other revgal/pals calendars look a bit like mine, FULL, FULL, FULL........Jesus was great at teaching us to take time out, even in that last week, right up to Maundy Thursday he withdrew, John's gospel tells us he hid! He hid not because he was afraid, but because he knew that he needed physical, mental and spiritual strength to get through...So faced with a busy week:

1. What restores you physically?
Sleep--good solid sleep, especially if it means sleeping in. With a 10 month old, my definition of sleeping in is changing. I'd take an 8 a.m.

2. What strengthens you emotionally/ mentally?
Time away from work. I recently had vacation which helped a whole lot. Hearing Baby Girl laugh and giggle helps, as does snuggling with her, and simply having time with her. Yesterday I got her dressed, fed breakfast, saw her about an hour in the afternoon, got home to put her in jammies, fed and put to bed. Just not enough.

3. What encourages you spiritually?
Music--good music. Sunshine.

4. Share a favourite poem or piece of music from the coming week.
Holy Week by Ann Weems in Kneeling in Jerusalem

Holy is the week…
Holy, consecrated to God…
We move from hosannas to horror
with the predictable ease
of those who know not what they do.
Our hosannas sung,
our palms waved,
let us go with passion into this week.
It is a time to curse fig trees that do not yield fruit.
It is a time to cleanse our temples of any blasphemy.
It is a time to greet Jesus as the Lord’s Anointed One,
to lavishly break our alabaster
and pour perfume out for him
without counting the cost.
It is a time for preparation…
The time to give thanks and break bread is upon us.
The time to give thanks and drink wine is imminent.
Eat, drink, remember:
On this night of nights, each one must ask,
as we dip our bread in the wine,
“Is it I?”
And on that darkest of days, each of us must stand
beneath the tree
and watch the dying
if we are to be there
when the stone is rolled away.

The only road to Easter morning
is through the unrelenting shadows of that Friday.
Only then will the alleluias be sung;
only then will the dancing begin.

5.There may be many services for you to attend/ lead over the next week, which one are you most looking forward to and why? If there aren't do you have a favourite day in Holy week if so which one is it?
Our bishop (new this year) is hosting a service for us clergy-types on Monday of Holy Week. Add to the busy-ness--but it's a chance to be the worshiper, not the worship leader. I'm looking forward to that, even though it's a bit of a drive to get there and since it's my day off, it means no babysitter, so Baby Girl will be with me. I'm not used to sitting with her in worship. The other thing I love is being the first to enter the dark sanctuary on Easter morning and being inundated with the scent of lilies.

To Do List

So...we are flying up to Holy Week and these are the major points of my to do list.

• Palm/Passion Sunday Sermon (services Saturday evening and 2 Sunday morning)
• Maundy Thursday Sermon
• Good Friday "sermonette" -- we have an ecumenical service and a series of 6 short (i.e. 3 minutes max) reflections and I have to do one of them

So in the midst of sermonizing, I have decided to apply for a job that I probably have no chance of getting. A job which is going to begin looking at applicants on April 15. Yeah....

So my goal is to get Sat/Sun sermon done tonight or first thing in the morning and get going on the application. I'm the kind of preacher who has difficulty with writing two sermons at the same time, so even though I have ideas for both Thursday and Friday, to actually write them before Sunday is over isn't likely.

The good news (in this) is that I'm an associate pastor and so not preaching on Easter morning! On the other hand, the reason I'm looking for another job is that I'm an associate pastor. Not completely true--I'm learning that being an associate pastor isn't all bad...it's just not so good for me here right now.

Back to Work

So I am back to work after a week off and am procrastinating the piles on my desk, so...some thoughts from the past week.

• Hubby had "Spring Break" so I took the week off too. It was so nice for the three of us to just be home together.
• We had a 'to-do' list a mile long, none of which was church work.
• We got much of it done, though not the one major task I wanted to accomplish.
• I did not do church work until Monday night! Couldn't help thinking about church, but avoided it pretty well.
• We took Baby Girl to the park for the first time. It was finally warm enough! She giggled and giggled as she rode in a big girl swing. She wasn't sure of the slide that we went down together. But it was a wonderful family outing!
• We went to a friend's wedding and spent the night in that town about 2 hours from our place. We left Baby Girl at our home with Grandma (my mom) for about 23 hours. It was my first time away from Baby Girl overnight and only the second time I wasn't there when she went to bed. It was difficult, but not horrible. I was only a bit weepy when I saw the babies at the reception. The worst part was figuring out timing for pumping and storage of milk as I'm still nursing. I flipped through photos of her on hubby's iPhone a few times throughout the day and right before bed. Unfortunately the bed at the hotel wasn't very comfy, so I didn't have hours of uninterrupted sleep as I hoped. I was very happy to get home and she was happy to see me. She snuggled into me like she usually only does when she is really tired and let me hold her and sit down for a while. She usually likes to be on the move!
• Speaking of being on the move...her crawling is now rapid, even on slippery floors...AND, she is walking! Her walks are about 10 steps before plopping down. If she has a destination, she will continue to it by crawling, but if there is anything to pull up on nearby, she'll do that first. She is starting to get brave and adventurous. The things just beyond reach and that are 'no-no's are now the most exciting. But she is smart and beautiful and healthy. She will be 10 months old next week and currently weighs 21 pounds and is 28 inches long, well into 12 month sized clothing...still short but catching up on height.
• I so needed the time away and though I don't want to be doing work right now, I have a bit of steam to get me through a little longer anyway.

Friday Five

Sophia at RevGals writes: The pastor of my grad school parish once gave a fascinating reflection, at about this mid-point in the season, called "How to Survive the Mid-Lent Crisis"! As I recall, his main point was that by halfway through the season we have often found it very challenging to live up to our original plans....But, he suggested--on the analogy of the healing and reframing of our life plans that can happen during a mid-*life* crisis--that that can be even more fruitful.So here's an invitation to check in on the state of your spirit midway through "this joyful season where we prepare to celebrate the paschal mystery with mind and heart renewed" (Roman Missal). Hopefully there's a good deal of grace, and not too much crisis, in your mid-Lenten experience!

1. Did you give up, or take on, anything special for Lent this year? 2. Have you been able to stay with your original plans, or has life gotten in the way?
I've combined 1 and 2 because I haven't given up or taken on anything special for Lent because I knew life would get in the way.

3. Has God had any surprising blessings for you during this Lent?
I sure hope they are coming!

4. What is on your inner and/or outer agenda for the remainder of Lent and Holy Week?
After this weekend, I am on vacation for a week! I am hoping to catch up on some sleep, to do much housecleaning, and to enjoy time with my husband. He will also be on vacation...or I guess we will be on 'stay-cation.' We do have a wedding to attend next weekend. As for the rest of Lent and Holy Week, I'm just trying to get through it.

5. Where do you most long to see resurrection, in your life and/or in the world, this Easter?
I need new life--I need to be able to leave this place. And because of our current situation, that depends upon my husband. So...a new job for my husband would be nice.

Bonus: Share a favorite scripture, prayer, poem, artwork, or musical selection that speaks Lenten spring to your heart.
My current favorite is the book Kneeling in Jerusalem by Ann Weems, a book of Lenten poetry.

My Own 11th Hour Preacher Party

So, for some reason, when I go to the RevGals website and try to click on the comments, my home wireless network kicks me off. It's frustrating to reset my modem over and over, so I'm commenting here.

I am so exhausted and have no desire to write a sermon today. I actually have a pretty good start; just need to come up with some way to wrap it all up. It is about 8:30 a.m. here and I will need to leave at about 3:30 for the evening.

But here is my yesterday and today so far:
3 a.m. -- up with Baby Girl
6 a.m. -- up with Baby Girl
6:30 a.m. -- leave screaming Baby Girl home with Grandma (my MIL) to take hubby to hospital for outpatient hernia surgery
8:45 a.m. -- hubby taken to surgery
10:30 a.m. -- hubby returned to room
1:oo p.m. -- leave hospital and stop to bring lunch home
2:00 p.m. -- arrive home and play with, feed, hold, change Baby Girl because she screams bloody murder if I walk away
6:00 p.m. -- say something stupid to MIL
8:00 p.m. -- finally get Baby Girl to sleep and hope to start on sermon
8:45 p.m. -- Baby Girl wakes us, hold her until she goes to sleep
9:30 p.m. -- help hubby get into bed and adjust pillows, etc. and try to work on sermon
10:30 p.m. -- up with Baby Girl
11:00 p.m. -- Baby Girl back to bed, give up on sermon
11:30 p.m. -- wake up when hubby needs to use the bathroom and can barely move, help him
12:30 p.m. -- wake up as hubby moans to give him drugs
6:00 a.m. -- up with Baby Girl and to give hubby drugs
7:00 a.m. -- leave Baby Girl sreaming with Grandma to help hubby out of bed
8:00 a.m. -- leave Baby Girl watching tv (I know...evil mommy, but desperate times) snuggling with hubby on couch and walk away because she is not screaming
8:30 a.m. -- MIL comes downstairs to ask if she should move Baby Girl because she is almost asleep, fine
8:35 a.m. -- procrastinate sermon by blogging

I was exhausted (physically and emotionally) prior to yesterday and had no desire to write a sermon and this just didn't help. Hubby isn't allowed to lift more than 15 pounds and Baby Girl is about 20, which is why in-laws are here since I obviously have stuff to do this weekend--worship tonight as well as morning tomorrow. And while I get along fine in general with my in-laws, it is so much work to have them here...even if they are here to help. And Baby Girl is just off--she is in complete Mommy-mode. (Hence the stupid comment...MIL asked if I wanted her to feed Baby Girl and I said no. In my head, I was thinking something along the lines of 'I just took her away from you after she has herself all worked up screaming; I don't want her any more worked up as I will have to try to settle her down for sleep tonight' and something more like, 'I don't want to torture her' came out...actually the word torture did, I just don't remember the rest of the sentence. I immediately said, "that came out wrong," but with MIL, there is just no going back.)

Hubby is actually being a very good patient--I mean he moans and is sore, but he's appreciative and trying not to ask too much from me. He kept saying last night, "you are such a good mommy and wifey." My response then, and now, "maybe...but it's impossible for me to be a good mommy and wifey AND PASTOR." I am so tired...need to get this sermon done NOW so I can hopefully get a snooze while Baby Girl is still asleep.

Remember You Are Dust

Six years (almost) into ministry, I preached my first Ash Wednesday sermon and for the first time placed the ashes on the foreheads of my congregation. (Why not before--I'm not really sure.) I had to/got to(?) mark the sign of the cross on my precious Baby Girl's sleeping face and say, "Remember you are dust and to dust you shall return." It didn't choke me up then as much as today.

It's been a rough week here...

How many breaths, how many days, how many years are enough?

On Thursday last week, we celebrated the funeral of a 95 year old woman, who up until a few months ago was full of life. I saw her just before Christmas and took Baby Girl in to the nursing home to see her. She had recently moved to the home and hadn't seen Baby Girl yet. She told me how beautiful my girl was/is, "the only baby more beautiful was mine," she said.

On Monday this week, we celebrated the funeral of a 73 year old woman, who has had health problems for years, such that I assumed incorrectly that she was much older than she is. 73--that's only 4 years older than my mother and I thought of her more like a grandma. She's struggled, yes, but death was a shock--a sudden downturn after my most recent visit to her in the hospital when she was going in for an angiogram (routine stuff for her).

Just now I returned to the office after sitting for an hour with a 90-something year old woman whose family called to say that she was now on hospice care. She had a stroke a few weeks ago and has given up. They said that she had been looking good but today looked bad. Unfortunately, no family was there when I was. I left a prayer shawl made by members of our congregation and a note. I agree--she didn't look good and I don't expect her to live very long.

But on the way home, it hit me hard. "Remember you are dust and to dust you shall return." And I thought about my Baby Girl. I realize that I don't think about the future much...I think about today. Maybe it's because I know the fragility of life--both from this line of work but also from losing my dad when I was young. I love her so much and don't want to smother her as she grows, but I want to make the most of whatever moments we have. Perhaps that is why this trying to be pastor and mother is so hard for me. I don't want to spend every second with her; I know that's not healthy for either one of us. But we're dust--we only have now.

Friday Five -- Taking a Break

Today's Friday Five is about taking a break, so I'm taking one. My "to do" list includes 3 pressing items (3 sermons--one for this weekend, one for a Monday funeral, and one for Ash Wednesday) and LOADS of other important things that are just going to have to wait. Maybe this break will be just refreshing enough to get that first sermon done!

So...I would spend...

1. a 15 minute break ~ doing suduko or kakuro or a crossword puzzle or some other word game

2. an afternoon off ~ reading a book for fun

3. an unexpected free day ~ sleeping interspersed with reading and games and tv watching

4. a week's vacation ~ catching up on home organization and tasks around home that get neglected (with healthy amounts of sleeping and reading and games and tv watching)

5. a sabbatical ~ no idea...but I've been thinking that I need to convince my congregation to create a sabbatical policy (more for senior pastor than for me right now) and that any future congregation needs to have one before I'm in the position to need/want one

I realized that as I answer these questions, I answer as if these breaks are breaks that I get alone--with no other responsibilities (namely work or the care of my Baby Girl). These are things that I need for me...things that get are the first to get dropped. I keep being reminded of my need for some 'me' time, but don't know when or how that's going to happen.

A Light at the End of the Tunnel

I really would like to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I am in a place that is no longer very good for me and I know it. But there are realities that are also in place. I was ready to move some time ago and almost did, but in the long wrong now think I did make the better choice. So now, I feel like I'm in this dark tunnel and the end seems so far away that I can't even see the glimmer of light.

My husband is in the process of looking for a new job. He's currently a teacher, but he's looking for a principal job. I think, though he hasn't said it so many words, is that he is only seriously looking because he knows that I need to be somewhere else. So until he either gets a new job or decides to stop looking, I'm on hold. It's not fair to a congregation to be in conversation with them if there's no chance of it working out.

We were so excited this summer. We had our beautiful baby girl. He had an interview in place where he was called back for a final interview as one of two candidates. Within a half-hour of that place were 4 open congregations. It all looked so good. He came in second; so much for moving in the fall. And so here we are...sending out applications for him, wishing and hoping and praying for interviews and a good job for him. A job he can take in a place to which I can follow him...where I can either take some time off for a short time and do supply preaching or other random work or where I can find a half-time call or where I can find a call that is better for me.

Today has been a really rough day. I just want a little bit of light...so the darkness doesn't seem so dark and so that I can still be a good pastor here. Sermons still need to be written and people need to hear the good news. I know God is with me; I know God loves me, but I am having such a hard time living in that right now. Just a little light...please God.

Funny

So, at our congregation, officers are elected and can serve two consecutive one year terms in the same office. Our now former secretary was recently elected vice-president. She just sent out the last minutes from her term as secretary and included this as her final line. "Good-bye from the secretary/from the new VP. I really wanted to be Secretary of State."

Not as funny if you don't know her; but I'm laughing a lot here! Looks like a good way to end the day!

Jobs

So recently I was at a meeting of area clergy of all kinds of denominations and, due to illness at the babysitter's Baby Girl was with me. The local Catholic priest asked if I was back to work part-time. I said, "full-time." He said, "Wow, that must be hard--two full-time jobs, pastor and mother. Well--three full-time jobs including your relationship with your husband." (I'm paraphrasing somewhat.) He is (not surpisingly) one of two unmarried clergy in our group and one of three who don't have children (the other two are the other two women of the group besides me). I was a bit surprised that he was the one who seems to get it best, to recognize the juggling act that I do each day.

But he really got me thinking and I think it's more like four full-time jobs: pastor, mother, wife, me. I'm sortof finding a bit of balance in the first three, sortof. But the job of taking care of me, well, I'm not doing so good at that. And there's overlap, of course, but my husband doesn't care if the house is messy, I want it clean for me! I haven't figured out how to carve out the time to do the things that I need to do for me. Baby Girl is a happy, good-natured girl, but she is a baby and also is an attention-hound and very inquisitive. I tried one day to wear her in a front carrier while I tried to do things around the house, but her hands were in everything so it was really anti-productive.

I don't need much, really--just some time. Maybe I just need better time managment.

Oh--and some motivation for my pastor job. Anyone handing out any of that?

Check Engine

Last week, the 'check engine' light in my car came on. My husband drove it and said not to worry about it (says the man who doesn't drive around in this really cold winter with a 7 1/2 month old). He also said that he'd take it in to be checked. I'm giving him until next Monday and then I'll do something about it if he hasn't. But that's not the point...

I wish that people had 'check engine' lights. I feel like mine is on and I'm driving around ignoring it. It sounds like I'm running okay, but something isn't right. I'm tired and run down. And I can't even find the words that I want to right now.

Friday Five--Five Things about Me

Songbird at RevGals writes, "Whether it's new friends or new loves or new employers, what are five things people should know about you?"

1. I find questions like this particularly difficult. I am a very shy introvert. Give me specific questions to answer please!

2. With the exception of my husband, I currently feel like I have no friends. Yes, there are people who care about me from different times of my life that I could turn to if I needed to, but everyone lives far away. I don't have any local, just-call-each-other-up-spur-of-the-moment-let's-do-lunch, kinds of friends. Or people with whom I can just be, without having to work at it.

3. There are a handful of blogs that I check every day (sometimes more than once) hoping for a new post. I wonder if anyone does that with this blog and is disappointed when there is nothing new.

4. I am absolutely in love with my Baby Girl and would love nothing more than for my only job to be caring for her. I will always put her first, but balancing that call and this pastor gig is trying on my spirit.

5. I am an ISFJ on Myers-Briggs. My husband tested as an ENTJ (I think--I can't remember the middle letters for sure). He is so not a J and that drives me crazy! My J self is also very annoyed at my lack of time right now to get my house into the mode it needs to be a calm place of refuge for me.

Why Fridays Should Be My Day Off

1. Because I leave pretty early in the day and don't have any evening meetings. Wait, is that a bad thing? No...but it's one less work day to cram evening meetings into, so other days are often double or triple booked.

2. Because I'd like to have the option of choosing my own day off.

3. Because it would be nice to have two days off in a row, you know...like a weekend?

4. Because if I'm honest with myself, they are. By this I mean, that even if I'm in my office with great intentions and no outside interruptions, barely anything gets done. I manage to waste much of the day anyway. Hence this blog post. And no sermon writing...even though I need it by 5 p.m. tomorrow and somehow think Baby Girl will not be very amenable to me writing tonight or tomorrow morning. And I won't be happy to write it tomorrow morning if she sleeps (or rather doesn't) as she has been lately.

Okay--no more whining. I AM going to get something productive done before I head home today!

2008 in Review

First lines from first posts of each month this year--idea shamelessly copied from many others!

January 17, 2008 ~I am not a very regular poster to this blog.

February 4, 2008 ~ It has been a rotten few days--two funerals (one for 85 year old man, one for 17 month old girl) plus their visitations, one high school lock in, one "beat cabin fever" party at church, normal weekend stuff, bad cold, and overdrawing our checking account.

March 7, 2008 ~ (This was a RevGal Friday Five) What have you seen/ heard this week that was a : 1. Sign of hope? Volunteers stepping forward for some exciting programs

April 4, 2008 ~ (another Friday Five) How has God revealed him/herself to you in a: 1. Book: I love books.

May 1, 2008 ~ Today is the day of some pretty significant anniversaries for me.

June 7, 2008 ~ Anyone who's read this blog at all over the past few months knows that I've managed to make every post about my baby due at the end of June.

July 18, 2008 ~ (yet another Friday Five) 1. So how did you come up with your blogging name? And/or the name of your blog? I wrote my first blog post over and over in my head and then had a friend read it before I decided to actually start to blog.

August 5, 2008 ~ A few posts ago I listed the blog posts I had written in my head and this was one of the titles. (On Being a Mother and Being a Daughter)

September 12, 2008 ~ This is a meme that Ruth started to create A Never-Ending Story.

October 10, 2008 ~ (gee…if it weren’t for Friday Fives, would I ever post?) 1. Does your job ever call for travel? Is this a joy or a burden? Not really.

November 3, 2008 ~ My dad died when I was not quite 10, just 2 months before my 10th birthday.

December 3, 2008 ~ Today is a Wednesday, the day I work at home so that Baby Girl only goes to a babysitter 3 days a week.

Friday Five: Windows to the Soul

1. What color are your beautiful eyes? Did you inherit them from or pass them on to anyone in your family?
My driver's license says hazel. I guess they are pretty green, but sometimes look more blue. I was hoping to pass them on to Baby Girl, but my hubby's brown seem to be winning out. (Along with the rest of his looks...she looks SO much like him.)

2. What color eyes would you choose if you could change them?
I like my eye color. But I would also love my grandpa's really really blue eyes.

3. Do you wear glasses or contacts? What kind? Like 'em or hate 'em?
I currently wear glasses but have worn contacts. I like and hate things about both. I need to go to the eye doctor soon and am contemplating what I will do.

4. Ever had, or contemplated, laser surgery? Happy with the results?
I've contemplated it, but my eyes really aren't that bad. If absolutely necessary, I can get by without my glasses, particularly if I don't leave the house. (Since my prescription is for distance, I hate to drive without my glasses.)

5. Do you like to look people in the eye, or are you more eye-shy?
I'm more eye-shy. Just shy in general.

Bonus question: Share a poem, song, or prayer that relates to eyes and seeing.
I remember part of song for a Bible camp musical I was in. The line is..."now we can touch the hand of God, now we can see God's eyes...the human and the holy in one love." I can't remember the rest...I need to find the video!

Wishes and Dreams

Today is a Wednesday, the day I work at home so that Baby Girl only goes to a babysitter 3 days a week. She is now sleeping and so I should be actually working instead of blogging, but...well, as you can see, that's not happening.

Right now it is snowing, with 3-5 inches predicted between now (noon) and 5 p.m. Many schools around here are closing early. If our district closes early, we will not have confirmation tonight. I'm actually really wishing that will happen! I have no desire to have class tonight. I'm also checking a blog regularly--live labor blogging of a friend. I wish I had thought of that 6 months ago; it would have made the boring parts of the day more fun. (Did I just write that my labor was boring? I can't believe I think of it that way--it was exciting, but the first 4 hours between when my water broke and when they started pitocin was pretty boring.)

Anyway, the snow falling and thinking about new birth has me thinking of dreams and wishes...so I'm making a list.

• that my sweet baby girl will always be as happy as she is today and as excited to see me
• that I could curl up under a blanket and read a good book
• that my house was organized the way I wish (currently a number of closet contents are strewn in unusual places)
• that I didn't have to work full time at this time of my life
• that I had friends in real life that I saw more than once a year or so
• that my husband and I had some time to just be together without worries and responsibilities and things we should be doing

Wow...I thought I'd be more profound when I titled the post. Oh well. It is what it is. Now back to work.

Sick Day

Do you know the worst time to get sick when you are a pastor? Midway through worship.

Today I am thankful for a few things in particular related to this.
1. working with another pastor (who was preaching this week) to whom I said after communion, "Can you take over? I feel like I'm going to pass out." (It was pass out or puke, but decided I'd shorten it up)
2. being able to leave after the first service instead of staying for the second when I felt so awful
3. being able to make it to my car before puking and having an empty drink cup from a fast food restaurant in my car to hurl into
4. getting home safely despite my teeth chattering so hard that I could barely see the road
5. a husband who took care of Baby Girl while I slept most of the day, only bringing her to me when she needed to nurse and also going out to get Kentucky Fried Chicken's mashed potatoes because those were the only things that sounded good
6. feeling better today

This was the third time in a month or so that I've had what felt like a 24-hour flu bug--nausea, chills/fever, achy body, etc. So I did give in and go to the doctor today--even though I was feeling much better. They drew blood and have called to say that my white count is high so it seems to be bacterial and are prescribing antibiotics. My husband is picking them up now. If it had been viral, I'd just have had to get through it. The last time I was on antibotics, they were almost worse than the illness, so I'm hoping that's not the case with these. We'll see I guess.

My Daddy and My Baby Girl

My dad died when I was not quite 10, just 2 months before my 10th birthday. That was 21 years ago. It's been a long time. I've been through all the stages of grief more times than I can count. It seems that this year I miss my dad more than I have in a long time--and it's related to my baby girl. Baby Girl was due about a week after the anniversary of my dad's death. I kind of thought she would be born on that date, but she surprised us by coming a full month early. She takes after me and my dad by having sensitive skin. We realized very early that instead of helping diaper rash, Desitin made it worse. So, we decided to try A&D ointment. My dad had been a mail carrier and so the winter was particularly rough on his skin and he used A&D cream to help. As I was particularly hormonal shortly after Baby Girl's birth and used this ointment, I would hold her close and smell her and think, "Daddy." I would have never have thought I missed the smell of my dad until then. And there's something else too...something that is so hard for me to articulate and seems like bad theology, but it feels so real. When I snuggle with my Baby Girl, when she 'kisses' me (or slobbers on me as the case may be), when she 'hugs' me (or I hug her and she doesn't resist), I feel like my dad knows her--that he sent hugs and kisses from him for me from heaven. I believe Baby Girl is a gift from God, that God knit her together, that God knows her and loves her. I believe that God knows my dad and loves him and I believed that before Baby Girl. But I miss my dad so much and so maybe it's wishful thinking, but I feel like my dad knows Baby Girl and through her has sent me a message of love. Is that crazy?