A Home for My Words

Which is Easier?

2012-02-18T21:01:00.003-06:00

Yesterday I went to a newly forming mom's group. Baby Girl was the oldest child there though one mom also has an older child too along with the toddler that joined her. That mom and I were the only two there with more than one child. I don't know if she was asked--and honestly we all were kind of talking over one another and there was lots of child noise--but the question was asked if it was easier to go to 2 children from 1 or having the first child. At the moment, I said that too many other changes were happening in our lives to make a true comparison--that I think it'd have been easier to add children than it was to become a first-time mom. (Which is what the person asking the question thought.)

But after today, I don't think so. Today, Baby Girl went with hubby to his parent's and will come home tomorrow. Which means it was just me and Precious. This is the first day it's been just the two of us in a very long time. And it was really good in a lot of ways. I snuggled her and read her books. I wasn't constantly having to redirect her from whatever it was Baby Girl was doing that couldn't really be played with by her. I didn't have to share my attention with a 3 1/2 year old. When she napped (a marathon nap! for her--2+ hours), I could do laundry and get more things done than I can when Baby Girl is around. When she had a meltdown, I could deal with it more calmly because Baby Girl wasn't making it worse.

Yes, I'm not quite as nervous or panicky about some things. But when I baby-proofed for Baby Girl, it was done. Now, I try--but Baby Girl does have toys that are too small and I try really hard to keep them in the other room, but she doesn't quite get that fully yet and so they make their way back at times. Baby Girl also has things that are 'safe' but she doesn't want Precious to get into. (And I don't really want Precious sharing sippy cups--no need to share germs! Baby Girl is forever leaving hers in reach of Precious.) My store of patience wasn't multiplied when I had another child and I'm afraid that it gets used up more quickly than it could or should. I don't know if that's just because Baby Girl is 3 1/2 and testing limits or if I'm just not patient enough.

I don't know that one or the other is easier. It's just different. And--life feels hard right now most days. I think it's more a function of working full-time (only mom in the group doing that, 1 other works part-time) in my particular vocation and Hubby's schedule. And my pumping schedule--I can't go to bed early and I can't sleep in. (Sometimes I do get to go back to sleep in the morning and I have had a nap or two after the girls are down and before pumping, but not usually.)

Time flies and they grow so fast. As I snuggled Precious today, I don't want her to grow faster. But I want things to change--I want to give her more undivided attention. I think I tend to put Baby Girl first because I feel Precious won't remember as much.

No matter what, it's never easier. Being a mommy is a hard job. Hopefully this group will help us all do it better.

Update

2012-01-25T12:02:00.002-06:00

We saw the specialist for Precious on Monday. She has fluid in her ears which necessitates tubes (not unusual for a baby with a cleft--or lots of kids). They did a hearing test and there is some minor hearing loss. But this came with a dilemma--do tubes now or wait until the major surgery. Doing tubes is a pretty common procedure, but does require anesthesia. Hubby was all for tubes--both his older kids had multiple sets and it's no big deal for him. It's really only a few minutes. I said, "but it's my baby..." AND, Precious hasn't had an ear infection and doesn't seem bothered by her ears at all. Our specialist said that if she felt strongly that something was right, she would push us hard. In this case, she said, there's not a clear right or wrong. While we were doing the hearing test (and thinking about what to do), she said she asked all her colleagues who were in that day their opinion and it was evenly divided. "You are good parents, no matter what you choose," she told us. And, she also told us that as Precious is growing so well, that if we want to do surgery earlier we can--do both at once then. Hubby asked about whether the ears would get worse if we wait; the answer is no. I asked, "If it was your child, what would you do?" Without a second's hesitation, she said she would wait. So that's what we will do. Her response pushed me over the edge to the waiting side.

Precious is scheduled for her 3 1/2 hour (!) surgery on June 12. If she has ear infections or seems bothered by her ears or we notice significant hearing loss before then, we can reschedule and do things earlier. So...now we know...and I'm starting to worry. They are going to put my baby under for 3 1/2 hours! So I'm trying not to think about it too much. Easier said than done. I never forget that she has a cleft palate, but I had gotten so it wasn't all-consuming. It's back to all-consuming, which I don't have time for. I have so much to do; I can't do it all; and I'm so overwhelmed that I'm not functioning on all cylinders. I lack motivation and I'm tired. I just want to stay home and snuggle with Precious (and Baby Girl)--neither of whom would be content to snuggle all day, but there you have it.

Jarring...a post about prayer

2011-11-30T16:22:00.002-06:00

Baby Girl goes to preschool two mornings a week. At the Roman Catholic preschool. I expected religious lessons and prayer. (Side note--at orientation open house, we received the packet with rules for bringing snack, etc. At one point, it says if you do not wish your child to participate in the religious curriculum, an alternative will be offered. Really? Why would you send your child to a religious institution and NOT expect religious instruction at some point? At the very least, shouldn't that have been given prior to registration? But I digress.)

She regularly brings home little learner leaflets similar to many Sunday School curriculum I've seen over the years. The first week, it came home in a folder that listed all the lessons. I commented that I'd be most interested in the one labeled, "We Love Mary." Don't get me wrong; I have nothing against Mary. But I'm Lutheran; we look at Mary a bit differently. And I'm not worried--Baby Girl is 3, I'm guessing it won't be too in depth even if they get to that lesson!

None of which is the point...the point is prayer.

Tuesday morning, as usual, I took Baby Girl to school. Precious has a bad cold and we had a funny schedule Tuesday, so mom came to my house to watch her instead of us going to mom's. So Precious wasn't with me as she normally is. I signed Baby Girl in to class and went across the hall to the Book Fair. I couldn't resist--I love books. Thankfully my purse was in the car.

But I killed enough time that it was time for morning announcements..."Please stand for prayer." I expected Baby Girl to pray before snack, but I didn't expect whole school prayer. I student taught at a Roman Catholic school and we didn't do that. All of a sudden, I was nervous--was I supposed to pray? Should I keep looking at the books? What should I do? It was jarring, sudden. I wasn't prepared to pray in that moment. I missed the crossing myself during 'the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit' and then it was the Lord's Prayer. I can do this, I thought...except for the jarring end! Remember, I'm Lutheran--we say, "for thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory" before we say Amen. I was completely not prepared for the Hail Mary or Glory Be. (Or the Pledge of Allegience which followed prayer...but that's another story)

I can't say why exactly I found it so jarring...

But I find myself thinking that I should go to the Book Fair again on Thursday. It might be a good reminder about how to start each day.

Don't Stress About It

2011-11-12T12:55:00.002-06:00

Says hubby at noon. So very unhelpful...

Baby Girl won't admit to wanting to nap, but doesn't want to stay alone watching tv.

Precious doesn't want to be put down, period. And screams if we are in bedroom with Baby Girl.

Hubby is working outside because he wants to get further on shed and has help today.

But, I have to write a sermon. The other stuff that should get done -- laundry, bills, filing, watering plants can wait. But I need to write this sermon and have nothing...nothing...

Yesterday sucked--I wanted to scratch the last post and say I'm not even feeling like a good mommy because Baby Girl was pushing every button.

I'm so frustrated with life at the moment...

Maybe it is post-partum depression. I just don't know what to do about it....because medicine won't give me more hours in a day or a family who does more than they do...

posted one-handed holding precious in room next to Baby Girl who hasn't noticed I'm gone...here's hoping she went to sleep...might be able to sermonize!

Adjustments

2011-10-29T14:55:00.003-05:00

I was originally going to write about my recent chiropractor visit and how the adjusting is helping my back. Some--not fully yet. But if I had the time to do the icing he suggested, it might be better. I go back Monday.

If only other adjustments were so easy. I'm having a really hard time with this parenting two small children thing. I feel like I'm being an okay mommy. But that's about it. Walking into my house sucks the life out of me. I have so much that needs to get done, but I just can't get on top of it. And, because of that, I often don't even try. And when I do, something else comes up. Like now...

Heartbreak........Tempered

2011-09-29T15:40:00.003-05:00

Precious will be five months old next week. It's been about four months since the diagnosis of her cleft palate. It's been about three months since she really nursed at all.

That breaks my heart.

We gave it a valiant effort. But she knows that is where the milk is supposed to come from and got so frustrated when it didn't. And she had to start having bottles without nursing anyhow when I was at work. I admit, I was clinging to trying to nurse even some of the time, hoping that after her surgery, she'd want to try again--even just once a day. Baby Girl nursed until 15 months, the last month or so just once a day.

My letdown is still quick for the pump, but my body is trained for the times I pump and doesn't let down for her as quickly as it did before even when it's close to a time to pump.

Occasionally, though not often, I'll try again. And I swear, if a baby can look up at you like, "Okay, mom...I'm indulging you here," Precious does. But then she gets frustrated and cries--and then I start sobbing and my heart breaks again and again.

And so I've mostly given up trying. Because why should I put both of us through that?

The best I can do (for me, of course) is to pump for her. She is getting only my milk right now--and has been for almost 3 months. Formula's not evil, but I'm good at making milk. Why shouldn't I do this?

This post has been written in my head for sometime, but I could write it now because I could add..."Tempered."

A few things temper my feelings...
I'm pumping more than Precious needs--I've donated nearly 200 ounces to a milk bank plus have nearly twice that much in the freezer for Precious. Hubby doesn't understand why I want to doante some milk. And I can't really explain it, but it makes me feel better about myself, about this not being able to nurse thing. I'm not only attached to the pump for Precious but for some other baby who maybe needs it even more.

And I know this is not the most heartbreaking thing in the world. Close to me, a woman who was so excited to welcome a new granddaughter within the month is full of grief. Her father did this spring, she was looking for some joy in her life. The baby was stillborn last week. To hear that breaks my heart for that family.

And Precious knows me. I know she did before, but it's obvious now. Yesterday afternoon I was at my mom's with the girls. I was trying to get some work done on the computer while Baby Girl napped. Precious was fussy and Mom was walking with her. I finished quickly as she continued to fuss. I walked over toward them, she leaned toward me, gave me a big smile and stopped fussing as soon as I took her. She knew I was there and wanted MY attention.

But I won't lie; my heart still breaks sometimes.

Visit(s) with the Specialist

2011-08-22T11:10:00.002-05:00

Less than a week after the diagnosis, we headed with Precious to the nearby University Hospital to meet the specialist. We went again a month or so later, so the visits are blurry in my head. But they boil down to the same things!

I really, really like the specialist. She's young, with 3 children, the youngest of whom is only a few weeks older than Precious. She was empathetic to me--especially around the area of breastfeeding. She gets it--from both sides, the mommy desire to nurse but also the difficulty it is for babies with clefts.

She made it clear that she didn't want to discourage breastfeeding, but it is really so hard for babies. A normal feeding should never take longer than a 1/2 hour, otherwise Precious burns more calories than necessary for optimal growth. So, she said, if we want to keep breastfeeding by all means do so. BUT, if it takes, say 20 minutes to take a 4 oz. bottle, nurse for 10 minutes and then do the bottle. AND, when there are times it is clearly for comfort, let Precious nurse as much as she wants--if she's not hungry, she'll do what she needs to do and can control how much she is really working. How that's working out will be its own post....

We thought it was only the soft palate, but she indicated that it also is the edge of the hard. Still, probably one of the least severe type of cleft.

Precious will need surgery for sure--at least one. This will be when she is 12-15 months old. That's the optimal time. Big enough to handle surgery well and young enough that most language isn't developed. Depending on how the surgery goes and how speech develops, she may need speech therapy and/or another surgery later down the line. By the time of the surgery, she will need to be weaned from any 'sucking' things--pacifiers, bottles, straws, etc. (She can still, of course, have breastmilk--just not from anything she needs to suck!) After the surgery, they don't want her sucking because it could rip the stitches out. And, for 3 weeks, we'll have to put her arms in splints at the elbow so they can't bend. No chance to get her hands in her mouth if she can't bend her arms! We think she'd be a pacifier baby if we let her, unlike Baby Girl who never liked one, but we aren't even going to introduce one. Precious does some sucking on her fingers, but often makes sucking sounds even without anything in her mouth. Can't do anything about that I guess!

The big goal was to get her up on the growth chart by the second visit with nutrition coming from formula or breastmilk or both. We did it! We did about 1/2 formula and 1/2 breastmilk for much of that time in order to bulk up calories as we knew how much the formula had. The doctor was pleased with her progress and said we might be able to consider surgery earlier, but we'll decide for sure at our next visit which is in January (unless we have concerns before then).

Precious will be more prone to ear infections and fluid build-up in the ears because they can't/won't drain right. But tubes for kids and ear infections aren't that unusual. I'm hopeful she will be like her sister though and not have many!

The specialist had also told our regular doctor that she was impressed with how little weight Precious had lost in that month pre-diagnosis. Precious had worked hard! And now we just treat her like a baby--do all the 'normal' things at the 'normal' times. She did warn us that solid food will be messy! Precious will have to learn how to use her tongue to force the food down the right way--and until she does, food will come out her nose. When she does spit up now (rare though it is), it comes out her nose. I'm glad she told me--I think I would have freaked out to see peas coming out her nose! And when you look at an image of how the body is made, it makes sense. The cleft opens up her sinuses so instead of food going down, it goes up.

All in all, things are good. It's good to know what's coming, to have time to prepare. And to not have concern about Precious' growth cloud every waking moment.

By the Numbers

2011-07-28T12:55:00.002-05:00

3 towns
3 houses
6 vehicles
8 jobs
2 Master's Degrees
2 babies

10 years!

The numbers don't contain the stories--in fact, I had to really think about some of them. But they point to something--our life together as it changes and as it stays the same. Sometimes it feels like forever and other times just like yesterday that we celebrated and headed out for our corn field honeymoon! Happy Anniversary Hubby!

(Visits to the specialist for Precious will come next time I post!)

Answers

2011-07-05T15:25:00.003-05:00

If you haven't read the last three or four posts--you might want to. It'll help explain a lot!

May 31 ~ Baby Girl's third birthday. Precious and I head to her doctor's appointment. The nurse who weighed her last week (and had me change the diaper) weighed her in. 6 lbs 14 oz. She asked what she weighed last week--6 lbs 14 oz to 7 lbs--depends on which weigh-in. Tears began to stream down my cheeks as I carried Precious to the exam room and waited for the doctor. We were trying so hard--how could she not be gaining weight?

The doctor came in and asked all the usual questions, washed her hands, and stuck her finger in Precious' mouth once again. Weak suck--we know. The doctor said, "I'm going to have to make her mad and get her mouth open really wide." And she did--and therein lied the answer.

A cleft palate--the soft palate in the back. Precious physically cannot make the suction she needs to effectively nurse (or even do well with the slow-flow nipples I have which Baby Girl used because that's what breastfed babies should use because they are most like breastfeeding). The doctor looked at me and I was crying--but relieved. She hugged me and apologized (numerous times) for not catching it sooner. Apparently it's really hard to see that far back unless the baby is really mad and she hates to make them mad--and also because the tongue takes up so much of the baby's mouth. The doctor felt so badly that it had been so hard on me and that it had been hard on Precious too. Precious had spent the first month of her life working so hard for every calorie she took in--she spent most of them trying to get the food in.

The doctor referred us to a specialist at nearby university hospital, one of the best in the region. That visit comes later. But now is the beginning of answers. Until we can get to the specialist, the plan is to nurse as we have been and then follow each feeding with an ounce of formula--in a new bottle--anything that Precious doesn't have to work so hard for. The doctor said 'get a bigger nipple.' Do you know how many options there are? I went to the store and looked bewildered in the bottle aisle. And randomly picked one because I had a sample of the bottle it fit at home, a sample I had gotten with Baby Girl and never used. As good a reason as any. The salesperson who tried to help me looked from me to Precious and said, "Are you sure the doctor really means for you to get a fast-flow nipple?" Yes--in fact she does; we don't want her to have to work so hard to eat.

We could look back and say, we should have known--I remember commenting that Precious doesn't have a uvula (that little hangy down thing in your throat). But I didn't say anthing--I thought maybe babies didn't have them at first. Well--that opening that I thought was missing the uvula and was the throat--that is Precious' palate--the uvula is split and that's where the cleft is. Her throat is farther back. But we aren't saying that--because there are too many blessings.

Blessing--I have LOTS of milk--supply is not an issue.
Blessing--I have an easy and quick let-down. Precious starts to cry and there is milk for her; she didn't have to suck and suck to get milk coming (though it was still hard).
Blessing--my mom lives in my town now and could be with Baby Girl when I spent hours and hours nursing Precious.
Blessing--we did have lots of nursing bonding time, even though that is now dwindling.
Blessing--this is not life-threatening (for me/us here and now--it could be in other places and certainly in past times)
Blessing--an excellent university hosptial only an hour away with specialists who deal with this all the time
Blessing--Precious is one tough girl; she's a fighter in a good way.
Blessing--a specialist that I really like upon first visit (for another post)
Blessing--answers.

Short Update

2011-06-28T17:22:00.003-05:00

The week was better. Precious was still mellow, but waking up on her own every 3-4 hours to eat. She'd nurse 40 minutes to an hour sometimes; we had gone back to using the nipple shield all the time because it seemed to help. She still 'clucked' but it didn't seem as bad. She looked like she was filling out, growing more hair, and getting longer. She was definitely awake more, more alert when she was awake, and peeing and pooping appropriately.

At the doctor's appointment--7 lbs. No gain--no loss, but no gain. She was hungry so I nursed her and the doctor wanted to weigh her after that again. But she wet her diaper and the nurse had me change it--I tried to argue with her, but wasn't adamant enough. After eating (and the diaper change), her weight was 6 lbs 14 oz. The doctor said, "that can't be right..." And told the nurse we should have left the diaper on wet. The nurse did say I tried to tell her that.

The plan--come back next week. In the meantime, continue the 3 oz of supplementing. Pump after each feeding to empty my breasts and keep up supply.

It was still really tough--I shed plenty of tears. And tried not to feel like a bad mommy.

The next week, we had answers--that's for another post.

Kick Me While I'm Down

2011-06-23T11:32:00.008-05:00

The weekend was mellow--too mellow. Precious slept a lot--way too much. We'd try to wake her up to eat. Seriously, we'd try everything--getting her naked, holding her, laying her down, trying to force her mouth open on my breast, using a bottle and squeezing milk into it. Eventually she'd wake up, but sometimes after 6 hours, at least 2 of which was spent trying to get her up. I knew she wasn't eating enough, but she wasn't complaining about it. And we certainly tried.

My mom kept saying, "Maybe she'll just be a bottle baby." Not helpful. I don't know if she was trying to make herself feel better or me. I know that she was disappointed that due to her health issues wasn't able to nurse my sister or me. I wasn't ready to hear that--it hurt too much. I love to nurse my babies...love, love, love it. I know it's not for everyone--and I'm not anti-formula. But I'm good at breastfeeding. Baby Girl was weaned at 15 months; early on in this pregnancy, when I was still not thrilled about being pregnant, my thoughts were that at least I'd be able to nurse again. I had even decided that I'd try to nurse even longer, not be so quick to wean. (Because Baby Girl's weaning was on my timetable, not hers--though she didn't object at all.) I wanted a breastfed baby; I wanted it for Precious AND for me. I admit it; I wanted it for me. I didn't mind not sharing feeding time with anyone else. That was my special thing--the thing only Mommy can do.

Monday at the doctor, Precious weighed....7 lbs. No weight gain at all, none. Now I realize the doctor hid her worry well, but said she wanted another blood test to check thyroid levels and for signs of infection. In the meantime, though, she said continue supplementing with the formula as we had been.

But then she gives me the paperwork to take to the lab which orders the blood test. Diagnosis -- failure to thrive. I just about lost it. Way to make an already weepy, hormonal, worried, upset post-partum mommy feel like shit. No, no, no...failure to thrive, that's what happens to babies in orphanages in third world countries who have no one to love them or babies in traumatic situations like following earthquakes where everyone has so little. My precious girl has more than enough love shown to her, she's loved and cuddled and snuggled and loved some more. There's plenty of milk (and formula too) here for the taking. There's enough. She needs to thrive--I'm not a bad mama; I'm doing my best--but it's not good enough. If it was, she'd be gaining weight. And I do intellectually know that 'failure to thrive' is a medical diagnosis, not about me--and I know my doctor cares because she didn't SAY those words to me. But it's tough, watching your baby scream as they draw a vial of blood from her heel. And then even better, since this was the same lab where they had last drawn to check bilirubin levels, they did that test not the correct one. We were on the way home when they called me to say they realized it. Thankfully I had made a stop, so we were still in the same town. So they had to draw blood again--3 vials full from her itty-bitty heel.

Test results--no sign of infection, no thyroid problems. Keep up the supplementing. Come back in a week.

To be continued...

The Blue Bandit

2011-06-21T09:28:00.003-05:00

Precious weighed in at 7 lb 6 oz on Thursday night. We were released from the hospital on Friday. She was looking a bit jaundiced, but not horribly so. This isn't unusual for newborns--Baby Girl was too. The doctor wanted to see her early the next week, so we made an appointment for Monday but said to call sooner if she started to look more yellow, particularly in the whites of her eyes.

Precious seemed to do fairly well over the weekend. She didn't nurse great, though it was clear to me that my milk was in. Even in the hospital she made a 'clucking' sound when she tried to nurse. I could tell that her latch wasn't great; I nursed Baby Girl for 15 months--I knew a good latch. We tried with a nipple shield and without and it didn't seem to make much difference. But she wasn't getting enough--I knew--she wasn't peeing or pooping as much as she should. She was getting some--I could tell by how my breasts felt.

Monday morning we went to the doctor and she was down to 7 lbs. Babies all lose some of birth weight but this amount was on the low edge of normal. Doctor wasn't too concerned about that--but Precious was definitely jaundiced. We had to go to a lab for a blood test to find out the level. (Aside--do you know how they draw blood from babies? They stick their heel and then bend their foot and squeeze numerous times to fill a vial. It's sometimes hard to watch as they scream the whole time--except this time Precious was a trooper and didn't cry at all after the first stick!) We drove our 40 minutes back home. She really was mellow--hardly cried at all--ever.

The lab results indicated a high level and so she needed to use a bilirubin blanket--a special therapy device. Which no one in our town has. Hubby thought he'd have to drive back, but the doctor found a way to get this device to us. A bilrubin blanket has a machine that kind of looks like a slide or LCD projector with a bright light bulb. The light shines into a hose that attaches to a flexible flat thing and projects blue light. This flat thing is to be wrapped around the baby's torso (unclothed). The light therapy helps break down the bilirubin in the blood so that it can be excreted. A baby's liver can't keep up with that level at that age. Also, the doctor said to supplement with formula (1 oz, 3 times daily). I really hated to use the Supplemental Nursing System that I used with Baby Girl because it's a pain, but we did. Sometimes we used bottles too--but that also took forever. Precious just wouldn't latch right--to me or a bottle. And we wrapped her in this blanket which made her glow blue in the night. Hubby started calling her the Blue Bandit.

In theory, when wearing the blanket, you can do everything with the baby except bathe them. In reality, with the hose attached that is nearly impossible. For the most part, we left her laying down except to feed her. That broke my heart, not to be able to hold her and snuggle her--or give her the food she needed to beat the jaundice. I would cry and cry when I did hold her and try to feed her. Once I looked at her laying there all alone wrapped up and her eyes were heavy and she just looked sad to me. Hubby tried to make me feel better, but he couldn't. I was so worried about her.

I just wanted to snuggle with her, to hold her close and protect her, to feed her, to take care of her and love her. But I knew keeping her wrapped in the blanket was best. We were supposed to leave it on and then have her blood tested again on Wednesday afternoon.

We were able to have her blood tested in our town. Those results were fine! She was no longer in the danger area for jaundice. But the doctor still wanted to see her the following Monday.

Time...

2011-06-16T13:24:00.003-05:00

It's time to write at least some of the posts that have been written in my head over the last six weeks, so here goes...

I've decided on a blog name for the newest one in my family--Precious. Baby Girl may just have turned 3, but she is my Baby Girl and always will be. Though this little one is also technically my baby girl, it's just not the same. Baby Girl made me a mommy. And it seems a bit wrong to use an adjective for one of them and not the other, but over these six weeks, I've found myself calling this little one "Precious" so many times, just as I found myself calling Baby Girl "Baby Girl" when she was tiny. They are both precious and they are both baby girls. And as far as blog names, this is just how it's going to be.

So, now the story of Precious' birth.

Week 36 ~ Doctor usually does a cervix check at this appointment, but as it was Holy Week and she knew how badly I didn't want Precious born before Easter, she waited so as not to stimulate anything!

Week 37 ~ Dilated 3 cm, I had had a few contractions, but nothing real serious, nothing consistent or time-able.

Week 38, 1 day ~ times are approximate

9 a.m. appointment ~ dilated 3.5 cm, doctor says that my amniotic sac is really really low and that she is pretty sure I was having a contraction while she was checking me. She wants to monitor me for a while before letting me leave. (Reminder--I live 40 minutes from doctor/hospital city--she doesn't want me on the road!)

10 a.m. ~ hear hubby in waiting room as I'm being monitored. This is one of the week days that he works in doctor/hospital city. He was late into town following a meeting and knew my appointment should just be ending so had stopped by to check on me. He wondered why I wasn't out yet. I was having contractions every 4 minutes, feeling some of them. Doctor says to go walk a few hours, have something to eat, and come back.

We do. We go to the mall and walk it. We never have time together like this. We go to one of our favorite lunch places. I have contraband caffeine (I love cherry pepsi!) with lunch, deciding that if I'm in labor, I can have it! I am having regular contractions--I don't feel all of them if they are really 4 minutes apart and they aren't horrible, but I am sure we aren't headed home today!

1:30 p.m. ~ We go back to the doctor. I'm dilated 4 cm and after being monitored, I'm still having contractions every 4 minutes or so. She sends me to the hospital. We take both our vehicles there, knowing that when hubby's parents come to see new baby, one of them will drive his home. He's a bit worried, but it's only a drive of a few minutes.

2 p.m. ~ Check-in at hospital. During registration, we start process and it's moving slowly. They get to the question of why I'm there, I say..."I'm in labor" and they start to panic and try to rush. "Are you okay? Do you need to go right up?" No, I'm okay. I'm certainly feeling contractions, but no big deal. We do get into triage, I change into the gown and we wait....and wait...

3 p.m. ~ Nurse finally comes back. Another woman had come in and hadn't felt baby move and so triage nurse finds baby heartbeat, etc. to comfort the mom before coming back to me. As she checks me, my water breaks all over. And I mean, all over! Triage nurse jumps and manages to avoid most of it. "Well," she said, "you are being admitted for sure now!"

During this time, we get to our labor room. I'm monitored a bit, we walk. Contractions start to be ones that stop me so that I can't walk through them anymore. We call my mom to let her know that Baby Girl will be having a "campover" at her house that night. We tell her we'll call her when baby comes but that they should plan to wait until morning to come see us.

5 p.m. ~ By now I've decided to stay in bed because that really is the most comfortable as I breathe through contractions. Doctor comes to check on me. I'm dilated 8 cm. She asks if I want to push. I say no. Doctor says she isn't leaving, but she'll go and change into her scrubs. Next contraction, I think..."pushing might not be bad idea." Doctor comes back and I tell her.

5:40 p.m. ~ I start pushing. It's very different than with Baby Girl--in a good way. It hurts differently. I don't have pitocin-induced contractions on top of one another; I get a break between contractions. I know I scream when I'm pushing at different times. I have hubby's shirt in my hand twisted and tightened. He's putting cold washcloths on my head and neck. I'm grateful not to have an oxygen mask that made me feel like I couldn't breathe. (I know--that's backwards, but it's how I felt!) No tearing, nothing.

5:55 p.m. ~ Precious is laid on my tummy. I look at her beautiful body and smile. They take her to wash her and I'm pretty sure they said her Apgar's were 9/9. I remember thinking that they were better than Baby Girl's whose were 8/9. Deliver placenta--and actually look at it. It's pretty amazing and much bigger than I pictured. I'm glad I looked even if it was gross. I watch them clean and weigh Precious and check her over. I feel great! Even better after a shower.

I'm making calls shortly after to announce her birth. She's beautiful and I feel amazing. It's a surprise how much easier this was. With no drugs, no IV, no tearing, I feel incredible. I can't believe that I just gave birth. Thank God for that for so many reasons. Because if I had known what the weeks to come would bring, I'm not sure I'd have been able to handle them having to recover from labor too.

She's Here!

2011-05-04T23:20:00.002-05:00

Baby was born today (Wednesday, May 4th) at 5:55 p.m. Baby Girl/Big Sister was right--it's a little girl. 7 lb. 13 oz, 20 in long. We are doing well--will post more later. It's late and I should try to sleep, but I'm still in a bit of adrenaline rush or something as I'm not sleepy. She is beautiful and healthy. Baby Girl will meet her tomorrow as we live 40 minutes from the hospital and thought disrupting sleep patterns would be worse than waiting! Baby Girl is having a 'camp-over' with Grandma so is in excellent hands. I still am kind of in shock that I actually gave birth to another human being--even if I've done this before. It's amazing and incredible. (And as a bonus, we avoided all the landmines of the due date! She's been a very accommodating baby so far.)

May Babies

2011-05-01T15:45:00.002-05:00

Well, now it's pretty clear that I will have two May babies! Baby Girl (May 31) and this yet-to-be-named baby (both in nickname form and in real life). I'm starting to be ready, but not completely. There are still a few things I'd like to get in order at work before the baby comes. And I only have folks scheduled to fill in on Sundays starting May 22. I do have folks on call before then, but the less I have to rearrange Sundays the better! So, if I get through next Sunday too, great. But if not, no big deal. I was so worried about this baby being early that I have everyone anticipating it too. People are surprised to see me every time I see them. But that's okay. Baby's doing what it needs to be doing and that, for now, is growing inside me.

Milestone Two ~ Easter Morning

2011-04-24T11:18:00.003-05:00

Made it! Baby has definitely dropped. Hubby's prediction is Wednesday, when I go see the doctor next. Now, the only things to avoid are step-daughter's high school graduation (May 22) and her final senior recital stuff (May 17). I'm still pretty sure I'll be early, so these should not be a problem as the 17th is my due date.

Easter Sermon

2011-04-20T13:26:00.003-05:00

I'm ready for the next two days (Maundy Thursday and Good Friday), but not yet for Easter. Babies and new life are quite obviously on my brain--at least not in my arms! :)

Aside: I saw my doctor for my 36 week appointment on Tuesday. Usually a cervical check is done at that appointment, but since that can stimulate labor, she suggested waiting a week as she knew I want to get through Easter for sure! There was no real medical reason to do one right then as my blood pressure is good, I'm measuring okay even if big, I haven't had real contractions, etc. So that will come next week.

Anyway, back to the original post...As I look at Matthew's version of this story, I am seeing so many things that I could relate to pregnancy--and this phase of it in particular. And maybe that's a sermon I'll need to write for me...or a blog post or something...or maybe an article for Fidela's Sisters but I just don't think I can write it for this audience. I don't know enough people's stories. I feel like it would have the potential to cause more pain than it should if there are people who are struggling/have struggled with infertility or not having children by choice and later regretting it or people who just can't relate because they don't have children or are men or... And I don't want to get it written and then feel that way.

And my 36 week pregnant self is tired! So I'm copping out...I'm going to re-work an old Easter sermon (not preached here) and call it good. I hope. Now to work on it!

Milestone One

2011-04-17T15:21:00.002-05:00

Today is the exact gestational age Baby Girl was when she was born. No signs of this baby! HOORAY! It's Holy Week after all; I have lots to do. I keep telling the baby, "just till after Easter, baby--then we can talk." I'm also doing lots of preparing--I figure the more I have ready, the less likely I am to need it. I'm also avoiding all those old wives tales that are to stimulate labor--I'm taking no chances. I see the doctor on Tuesday, so we'll see how things are going then. But I'm just happy to be to this point!

Potty Progress

2011-04-07T12:04:00.002-05:00

I'm so proud of Baby Girl. We've been working seriously on using the potty for about two weeks now. She does so well! We've had very few accidents after the first 2 days--she still often wants to use pull-ups, which is okay, but we are working on using big girl underwear. (Except at night and naptime--I'm just not ready for loads of sheets!) She gets a piece of candy for using the potty on her own (if she remembers the candy--which isn't always). I haven't figured out how/when we'll break that, but I'm not worried about that yet! She still fights pooping and won't do that on the potty yet, so that's next on the potty agenda. I'm so very glad she's doing so well. Even if this is as far as we get before baby comes, I'm feeling much better about this aspect of parenting two!

Ten on Tuesday

2011-03-22T14:17:00.003-05:00

1. I really am big this time around! Up until this week's appointment, I've measured right on track. Yesterday (one day shy of 32 weeks), I measured at 35 weeks. The doctor said it could just be how the baby is laying. If I continue to grow exponentially at this rate at my next appointment in two weeks, she will order an ultrasound. Last time, it was at my 34 week appointment that I measured big and she ordered one. All was fine and Baby Girl was born 2 days shy of 2 weeks after that appointment.

2. 2 days shy of 36 weeks will be Palm Sunday. NO, NO, NO! I really want to get through Holy Week. I have 'fun' things planned, meaningful worship experiences that I want to lead. I have someone on-call who can do it, but...

3. Baby Girl is so cute now in her interaction with the baby. She 'plays patty-cake' with my tummy, hugs it and tells the baby she loves it. I'm hoping the infatuation continues once the baby is actually here!

4. Baby Girl has also decided to fully descend into the terrible 2s/3s. But really, she's not that bad. We are just having to do more time-outs and deal with more melt-downs. It'll be okay.

5. Baby Girl has also decided to not sleep through the night anymore. It's not quite so bad when she just shows up in our room and we put her in our bed. But between her getting up and waiting until I show up in her room and the amount of times I'm up in a night to use the bathroom--ugh! I'm not ready for the sleep deprivation of newbornhood. I hope Baby Girl decides that Daddy will be good enough in the night from here on out!

6. We, perhaps foolishly, are trying to build a 'big girl' bed for Baby Girl. It's a bunkbed that looks like a house. There's room for a twin mattress up top (which we won't actully get or use until she's old enough to actually sleep up there--we'll just play up there for now) and can be either used with a twin or full below. We'll be using a full below so that one of us can lay with her if need be.

7. This will mean she'll move to a different bedroom and the room she picked out as her room before we even bought the house will be for the baby.

8. The walls are a sort of pink--dark coral. Hubby asked, "if it's a boy, will we paint?" I said, "not at first." We can get some wall decals or something at first. I think if we add blue accents it'd be fine.

9. We are washing all the tiny clothes--I can't believe how tiny Baby Girl was. It's hard to imagine! It is starting to get real--and there is so much to do!

10. Can't just leave it at 9, so here's 10...must get back to tomorrow's sermon. Thanks to Teri at Clever Title Here for her willingness to share with me so I'm not starting from nothing!

Big

2011-02-02T19:20:00.005-06:00

Big...belly ~ I feel so much bigger this time around. I also find myself comparing how big I was or how I felt at this time of year 3 years ago, but constantly have to remind myself that's not fair. Baby Girl was born in May (the 31st) but her due date was June 30. So even though this little one is due in May (and hopefully will be born in that month), I'm really 6 weeks farther along. So I should be bigger. And from what I understand, second time mommies get bigger faster. At every doctor's appointment, I'm measuring right on track. (Actually at the last appointment, I was measuring 1/2 week behind.) So I guess I just feel big.

Big...snow ~ 15 inches they said on the news between yesterday afternoon and this morning. Lots of high winds and blowing. Everything closed today and much closed tomorrow as well. I don't mind not getting out all that much, but we all get along better if hubby and Baby Girl get chances to go out.

Big...wuss ~ From what I hear, it's lots of men and I don't know that for sure, but I know it's true for hubby. He's sick--which means he has a cold. His head hurts and he feels like doing nothing. So he doesn't. But I still have work to do and I really need him to play with Baby Girl at least a little bit. If I felt like he looks and sounds, he would still expect me to be doing my normal stuff. I'm frustrated.

Edited on Thursday--okay, he's more sick than yesterday started. He has chills and fever so can't do as much, but that still didn't hit right away. So, now the question as he and she nap--try to get some work done or nap too (between his hacking and her coming into bed with me at 2:45 a.m. and me not sleeping well at all after that, I feel like I barely slept!)?

Ahh...

2011-01-22T16:17:00.002-06:00

I don't remember the last day that I had like this. The day started at 5:45 with Baby Girl coming into our room. When she's up before 6, we tell her it's still sleepy time and normally she'll cuddle and relax or go back to sleep. Of course, that works better when it's earlier in the morning. Well, no to that, but she got out of our bed and I wasn't sure where she went. She went back to her bed and started calling for me. Huh? Anyway, I went and laid down on the floor next to her bed. She never went back to sleep but rustled for probably 20 minutes. At which time she wanted to sit on the potty. Again, huh? But we did and had to take jammies off to do so, so she was ready to get dressed. I had clothes picked out for her in our room, so took her back in. We watched a tv show, which got us to 6:45 and then she had had enough and was ready to go.

But by 8, she and hubby left. And I have had the house to myself all day! I was almost crying when they left because I won't see Baby Girl until Tuesday afternoon. She will be spending the days with grandma and grandpa. Hubby will come home tomorrow.

I should have done a lot today, but I have done things today that I needed to do. Here's what I have accomplished (as of almost 4:30 p.m.)--slept, showered, read blogs, watched tv, and ate. I really needed this day. Now, I do need to be sure my sermon is set for tomorrow. After that, I think it's time to unload the dishwasher and make supper. Then it's time to read my book for fun and call it good! No big plans for after church tomorrow, so the other things will just have to happen then. I should be well rested! We'll see--I tend not to be able to sleep at night when hubby is gone, so it's hard to say for sure. But either way, it has been a good day!

Thoughts at Halfway (ish)

2011-01-04T15:27:00.002-06:00

The whole numbering of pregnancy weeks simply confuses me--and mostly doesn't matter a whole lot. But according to weeks, I'm just about halfway there. And it's been a long time since I posted, so...

I am becoming more excited about this baby. We had an ultrasound. We decided not to find out gender, sort of. We had the tech write it on a piece of paper and seal it in an envelope if we decide later we do want to know and don't have another ultrasound. (I ended up with 3 total for Baby Girl, to check on different things.) This one wasn't as thrilling as any for her; partly because I didn't like the tech. We had my first ultrasound with this baby with her and she forgot to record certain things; I had to go back the next day (60 miles round trip). And she just irked me--can't really explain it.

Anyway, more than seeing the baby is that I can feel it more and more. It's still not consistent movements, but there's a lot more. Just when I start to think, "I haven't felt the baby for a long time, something's wrong" I feel something. And that's good and I'm relieved. I think it was about this time that I began to call Baby Girl "my little swimmer" because it seriously felt like she was swimming laps--touch one side, swim, touch other side, repeat, repeat, repeat. (And she LOVES the water today.)

Haven't come up with a nickname for this one--didn't plan to with Baby Girl, so it still might happen. And as an aside, if intuition is anything, this one is also a girl. With Baby Girl, I felt girl all along, but talked myself into thinking it was a boy because I was so certain I'd be wrong. Hubby thought girl because he kept thinking boy but was certain he'd be wrong. I guess I haven't asked him what he thinks this time.

I loved being pregnant with Baby Girl. I don't hate being pregnant this time--I don't love it the same way. Baby Girl made me a mother, a mommy, the one thing I wanted to be my entire life. And now I am that, no matter what happens. So there's not the same newness that came with my pregnancy with her. And there's not the same preparation--no 'stuff' to buy (well a few things I wish we'd had), but for the most part, no preparation. It's just so different.

And I'm tired of being a mother of a toddler. I love Baby Girl with all that I am, but it's exhausting in such a different way than having a baby. And she's not even really that difficult of a child. She has a few tantrums, but not many. She'll put herself in time-out and calm down quickly when placed there by us. Bedtime takes so long many nights and she only wants me. I'd love to share this with hubby. We've temporarily put potty training on hold as she's been withholding poop and that's a vicious cycle of constipation and pain that we want to break before spending too much time focusing on the potty. And besides, when on earth am I supposed to train her when I'm at work all week. There's not consistency in that! I know--it's a phase, it's part of life. It will get better and it's not awful. It just is.

And in the meantime, I'll grow this baby I'm learning to love and I'll love Baby Girl and put one foot in front of the other. It will be okay.

Thoughts on Pregnancy--Due Date Woes

2010-12-09T12:17:00.003-06:00

As I said, the due date was (and is) the easiest for me to articulate when it comes to my apprehension about this pregnancy. My due date is May 17--the ultrasound guesstimate was May 21 (even worse in some ways!) but since those can be off a week either way, my doctor says we go with May 17.

Here's why it's bad...

Professionally...
The one-year anniversary of starting my call to this place--May 1. I really, really, really wanted to be here more than one year before having a baby. And yes, with May 17--it's possible, but oh so barely.

Easter is really late this year--April 24. Not quite in the 2 week window for due dates, but darn close--especially when Baby Girl was a full month early! Since she had no problems related to being early, maybe I just gestate shorter than average--it's possible. Really, really don't want to miss my first Holy Week/Easter here!

Synod Assembly is May 20-21. Not a huge deal, but I don't like missing these. Yes, I'm insane. I know.

Family...
May 31 is Baby Girl's birthday. Well in the 2 week window. She's young enough that if we have to change a day of celebrating, it won't be a big deal. But I don't want her to have to share her birthday! We'll probably end up doing one family party in May in the years to come anyway.

May 13 is when my stepson is to graduate from college. At this point, he says he's not going to participate in the ceremony, but I think his mom will probably make him. At least he won't care much if we can't make it because of the new baby. He is really laid back and takes everything in stride.

Now the biggie...May 22 is when my stepdaughter graduates from high school. (May 16 and 17 are her two final senior music performances) She was not happy to hear Baby Girl was on the way...she's adjusted beautifully. However, I knew she wouldn't be thrilled with the due date. When we told her I was pregnant, she said, "when?" Mid-may was what we answered rather than the date. Her words to her dad were "well, you better not miss my graduation." Ouch. I get it, I do. Every child wants her daddy there on special days. We have done everything in our power to get him to as many events as he can possibly. (And I've even gone alone to some events to videotape when he couldn't go--driving 3 plus hours in the winter to do so!) And I want him to be there for her. But if I'm having this baby, I want him with me more. Stepdaughter and I have always gotten along okay. There's never been "you aren't my mother" stuff--partly because I've never tried to be her mother, just someone who loves and cares for her. And sometimes, perhaps now more than ever when I'm more hormonal, I want to shake her and remind her how much her dad loves her, how much he's been there for, how much he makes every effort, and yes, while's he's not there every night and day since her mom and he couldn't work it out, she has had so many more opportunities to share special things with him than I ever did with my dad. She's had him nearly twice as long and more often than not, when she has a choice, she doesn't choose to spend time with him. (Especially now that we are 20 minutes from her and she has a car.) He lets her choose to do other things. He doesn't command she come over or beg her too, usually. He's asked on occasion. But I really, really, really don't want to put hubby in the position of choosing me/baby and her graduation. I don't want her to resent me any more than she might/does(?) for taking her daddy away from her. (Never mind--her dad didn't leave her mom for me, but I'm not sure how she thinks about it.) I don't want her to have reason to resent this baby too--it was hard enough to accept that she was no longer Daddy's baby--and baby girl no less.

Thoughts on Pregnancy, Part 2

2010-12-08T15:44:00.003-06:00

At first, I didn't really want to tell anyone. I know there's the (un?)spoken rule about not sharing in the first trimester because the risks of miscarriage is greater then. And that was okay; I didn't want to tell. I kept expecting something to go wrong because I wasn't sure about what I was feeling. I didn't WANT a miscarriage, but I wondered how upset I would be if I had one. I've read blogs of many women who mourn intensely at 5 weeks (which was before I even found out) and name that child and everything. I don't really know when I start defining 'child'--but for me, it's not that soon. But everyone is different and I don't know the story that led them to that point; we all handle things in different ways. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't name the child at that point though.

Maybe we just aren't good at naming! With Baby Girl, we picked out the boy name well before I was due--it was the only first boy name we could agree on. (And my only naming criteria was that I wanted/want to use my dad's middle name as a boy middle name so they had to go together.) Baby Girl, we were narrowing it down--and made our final narrowing down to 2 on the way to the hospital! I named her when I saw her and have never regretted it for a second! But I guess that's beside the point.

And then I went for my first prenatal visit--just with the nurse. And found out the due date from her; I had found calendars on-line too. And it was reconfirmed why the timing was so horrible (which I promise I'll get to at some point!) which was the part I could most articulate as to why I was having mixed feelings.

One funny from that visit--the nurse was asking questions about medical history, etc. and asked if I had ever had fertility problems. I just laughed--I got pregnant while on birth control, uh, no! (I know infertility isn't funny--but it certainly hasn't been my problem!)

But there was a glimmer of hope for me about my due date--I was hoping we were really wrong! The nurse was able to find a heartbeat--which was really early for that with my due date and she said it was higher than she'd expect. That coupled with the fact that I was on birth control could have my dating wrong, even though we knew when I had my last period. For that reason and for the genetic testing my doctor now does, I was scheduled to have an ultrasound. Perhaps that would indicate a different due date.

That made me feel a better; though still uncertain.

Thoughts on Pregnancy

2010-12-06T09:14:00.003-06:00

It's my blog, right? I can say whatever I want. But it sometimes is hard to admit things...and this is probably the best place to do it because those who read (those I know in real life and those I don't, but feel like I do from blogreading) seem like the people I can trust with these thoughts.

In early August, I had my annual physical. My doctor asked about whether or not we would have more kids. My response was that it was possible; we were discussing trying for a few months early in 2011. I also said, "Right now would be a horrible time to get pregnant; the timing would be really bad." (Because of the due date--more on that later!)

And then August passed and I was thinking lots of things. Hubby and I talked; he turns 40 in 2011. That's his cut-off for having kids. I get it; he has a 21 year old son, a 17 year old daughter and 2 1/2 year old Baby Girl. This is a big enough span--there's already the chance that Baby Girl and baby#2 will have close in age nieces or nephews. At least the older kids aren't trying to follow in their parents footsteps and start young! Stepson isn't really interested in girls, or rather he's socially awkward enough that he hasn't met people. Stepdaughter has a boyfriend, but (while I know it's possible) I think that both she and he are not to that point.

I was also thinking about the fact that I'm happy to be nearing the end of diapers and the need for 100% constant supervision. I'm in the throes of terrible two's and I don't know if I want to deal with that again. Baby Girl is still my heart and I don't know how I'll be able to share time and attention.

And then...I was late in September and in denial. I was particularly stressed; the start of a program year at a new call will do that to you. I had started a new generic of the same active birth control pill ingredient and when I've done that before, I've been late. And so I just kept going along. Until I realized that September came and went and I was REALLY late and I had other symptoms. So I took a pregnancy test.

And it was positive. Even though I can't read those stinking things...really, they are idiot-proof. I got the same kind I took with Baby Girl and I didn't read it right then either. Hubby looked at it and there was no doubt. And then when I paid attention to the picture that says which is which, I was like--duh!

And I wasn't thrilled. I wasn't elated. I was scared and unhappy and unsure. This wasn't how it was supposed to happen. I was at the point where I wasn't sure I wanted it to. But it had.

Preoccupied

2010-11-29T15:39:00.002-06:00

So I obviously gave up on the posting everyday in November thing--and I'm okay with that. I've been preoccupied with that which I wasn't ready to blog about until I made the news public in real life. And now that it is public, I'm still preoccupied with this baby. And still very busy with church, especially this Advent season. So I'll be posting more than before November, I think!

Thankful

2010-11-25T18:45:00.003-06:00

Today I am most thankful for the fact that I took a day off of work. Despite a sermon for Sunday looming over my head, I decided not to work on that or other work things that should be done.

Now, that doesn't mean I did nothing. I gave Baby Girl a bath; I did mountains of home bookwork and filing; I cooked two real meals (but not Thanksgiving dinner--that's Saturday here!); I did dishes; I played with Baby Girl and read her books and snuggled with her. I helped prep our bathroom for painting, which MIL and FIL did today. We'll go look at vanities and countertops/sinks tomorrow--here in town in the afternoon. I'm guessing this home improvement store won't be insane that time of day. Oh and fixtures and towel bars.

I also read a magazine and watched some football and played on-line. It's not yet 7 p.m. and I'm just about ready for bed. When Baby Girl goes to bed, I probably will too. Tomorrow I will need to do some work--like that sermon.

But for now, I'll just continue being thankful.

Baby Girl Needs...

2010-11-22T20:50:00.002-06:00

a new blog nickname. Because....

come spring/summer she will no longer be the baby in our house.

Toddler TMI

2010-11-20T14:53:00.002-06:00

Baby Girl may not like this so much, but it's on my mind right now. We are slowly trying to make progress on potty training. Which is much harder than I thought because this girl is so smart--and always seems to know when she goes. My mom was visiting this week and so we kept Baby Girl home from daycare so that they could work just on potty training. I thought it'd work. Not so much.

Currently Baby Girl is on a poop every other day kind of schedule. (Which is amazing since I recall the first time a changed a diaper without poop! I think she was 9 months old.) Anyway...she was due to poop on Friday and didn't. So when she was moaning and crying Mommy at midnight, I thought it was because the poop was finally coming. She didn't try to sit up at first, so I lay by her and rubbed her tummy and tried to be soothing--not sure what was going on. Finally, she says, "I want to go wee-wee on the potty." So we got up, she sat on her potty--almost falling asleep--and peed.

She can wake up to pee, but doesn't know in advance during the day? Huh?

I know I'm just ready for her to be done with diapers!

Whew

2010-11-18T10:58:00.003-06:00

One important conversation had today. Was supposed to be over lunch, but sick children intervened. So it was over the phone. But it was important and good and I feel a bit relieved. Two more important conversations to go!

Now--if I could actually get some work done...like a sermon for Sunday. That'd be helpful too!

Better posts will resume on Thanksgiving when I have a few days off!

Planned!

2010-11-17T14:30:00.002-06:00

Thanksgiving worship! ~ may need a tweak, but overall done
Confirmation lesson for tonight

Now...home to spend time with Baby Girl, back in 3 hours

Tomorrow
1. reference letter
2. sermon for Sunday
3. Advent/Christmas plan

I can do this!

Thanksgiving

2010-11-16T20:39:00.001-06:00

I'm thankful to have the opportunity for our congregation to host the ecumenical Thanksgiving service in my city. But that means that I have to plan it...and I've been meaning to. But if I want any help (and I do), D-Day is in the morning. I have no experience planning an ecumenical service on my own. I'm meeting another pastor tomorrow to finalize it, but I want something to start with. I am becoming an awful procrastinator these last few weeks. I hate it. I just need to get caught up and then not get behind again!! Now...on to Thanksgiving. No more procrastinating by blogging tonight. Even if I don't want to fail anymore at this posting everyday thing!

Responsible One?

2010-11-15T09:27:00.003-06:00

Yesterday after the morning of church, we went for a fast-food lunch. Baby Girl fell asleep on the way home. We got home, put her in bed and I laid down too--asking my hubby to wake me up in about an hour.

After that, these were my choices:
1. Stay in bed, sleep some more, spend a quiet (as quiet as it can be with a 2 1/2 year old) afternoon and evening at home

2. Drive an hour (one way) to a 2+ hour meeting for the church that I'm supposed to be at--and am supposed to bring two lay folks along to

Which was the responsible thing to do?

I did number two, even though I couldn't find lay folks to go. Which is why I felt even more like I should go. And I found it boring and frustrating. Many of the folks in the host city (not the host congregation) weren't even there. Really, I could take 2 hours of drive time to come to this and you couldn't take 20 minutes?

I still feel icky and tired. Today I wonder, was it worth it. I missed out on another nap, a time for my body to work harder on healing, restful time at home with Baby Girl and my hubby (and my mom who is visiting this week).

I can't do it all--why do I think others can? Why do all of us think others can? Why did we even have that meeting--it was so not useful. Ugh. That's all I have to say about it.

Yucky

2010-11-13T18:53:00.002-06:00

I just feel yucky. My voice is fading. We'll see what tomorrow brings--I guess it will be what it is. Hopefully it will hold out enough for worship and Sunday School. The idea of a whole afternoon meeting is not appealing. I'd much rather curl up under a blanket and take a nap or watch football or anything else tomorrow. I suppose if I feel really awful I can skip, but I'm so not good at that.

Laundry

2010-11-12T21:09:00.004-06:00

The pile is neverending, isn't it? I try to do it all on one day though--it really makes me feel as if I've accomplished something. I can see the progress, even if it is fleeting. Today I didn't finish and that's okay because I don't have a super busy day tomorrow.

I love having Fridays home with Baby Girl, but wish I could accomplish more of the 'stuff' that needs to be done around the house. A 2 1/2 year old just isn't much help. And now I'm exhausted, my throat hurts and I want to sleep. But I must wait for a bit--the laundry that needs to be pulled out of the dryer half done should be done soon. I'll hang that, and then it's off to bed.

I'm sure it won't take me an hour to fall asleep like it took Baby Girl!

Toddler Bed

2010-11-11T14:33:00.002-06:00

Two nights of good sleep! About a week or so ago, we converted Baby Girl's crib to a toddler bed. She hadn't been sleeping well prior and that didn't change. Except the last two nights. She has slept well--she even fell asleep in her bed last night! (Rather than on the floor and then moved to her bed.) We put a kingsize pillow next to her so it was blocking the opening because she ended up on the floor most other nights--in her sleep. That wasn't what woke her up either surprisingly enough. I think the pillow helped. It added warmth. Maybe she thought someone was laying next to her. And it kept her from falling out. I suppose she could roll hard enough to push it out, but I'm not worried about it. If she didn't get hurt before...

And besides, anything can happen at anytime. I broke my collarbone at age 4 falling out of a regular bed. Just hit the floor wrong I guess.

And I admit, I kinda like her toddling to us in the morning. Slowly walking toward us, shyling whispering "Mommy," pulling her up into our bed for a snuggle. I could use a snuggle now.

Inspiration Please Strike NOW

2010-11-10T11:03:00.002-06:00

So I have yet to prepare my confirmation lesson for tonight. What I've done in the past is really boring--even to me. But the curriculum I have to use now has so little content on this topic (in my opinion). I am having trouble finding a middle ground. And I need something for tonight! This has to be done first before I move on to the piles of other things. Inspiration now would be very helpful!

Sleep

2010-11-09T14:51:00.002-06:00

I have always been a sound sleeper. Hubby tells me that once on vacation I slept through a tornado. (He looked out the window and said trees were blowing down to the ground.) I love to sleep--and need a lot of it.

Until Baby Girl. When I became a mom (and a breastfeeding one at that), I became a much less sound sleeper. But I still need lots of sleep.

Baby Girl (now 2 1/2) hasn't been sleeping well lately. That's debatable I guess--last night she wasn't up and awake, but she kept moaning in her sleep and crying out 'mama.' Which means 'mama' isn't sleeping well. I lay in my bed deciding whether or not to check on her. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I go in and lay on the floor next to her bed so I can just make comforting noises. Sometimes I fall asleep there--it's not very comfortable either. Last night was a bit unusual though; in the last few weeks, there have been many nights when she was really awake. And she doesn't usually want Daddy--which is good, since he usually doesn't hear her. And I end up awake anyhow. I guess I'd rather be awake and caring for her than just awake.

I am just so tired. And when I'm tired, I'm sluggish. And when I'm sluggish, not much gets done. And I have so freaking much to do! I have to push to get a ton done in the hour I have before I get Baby Girl. Maybe a to-do list for tomorrow will help!

Youth Ministry

2010-11-08T14:00:00.003-06:00

So...youth ministry is an absolutely essential component of congregational life. I believe it. I also know that is not where my skills and talents lie. But...in this small, struggling in some ways--vibrant in others--congregation I now serve, this was an area where there really wasn't anything. So I'm trying--a once a month high school group. First time there were 2 kids, last night there were 6. And I just kind of let them go to see how they interact with one another and me and talk about faith stuff and life stuff.

I came home with a splitting headache. And some thoughts about how I need to go from here.

1. I need to make a youth room happen. This has apparently been discussed ad nauseum for years and they are feeling pretty defeated I think. They are all smart kids; they understand we have a really small space and the space would have to be shared--in that it may be needed at times for certain other things. (So no black walls or graffiti or stuff like that) They need to know I (and the congregation) really do care about them.

2. I need to make some 'ground rules' next time. Nothing major--just things like, oh, don't talk when someone else is talking once we get started. I'm all about just hanging out time too--but once we start a conversation--let's listen to one another. Really--that's about the only one. They were pretty good about checking phones and putting them away, rather than texting throughout--so unless that becomes a problem later, whatever.

What else--I'm pretty clueless. But for now, I guess this will do.

Almost Dead Battery

2010-11-07T21:00:00.000-06:00

I did want to post tonight, but the laptop battery is almost dead. And my battery needs enough recharging too that I'm not about to go after the cord. So there blogging every day!

Fail

2010-11-06T11:14:00.003-05:00

So I failed yesterday--though I wrote posts in my head. Does that count?

Yesterday was my day off--which means a day at home alone with Baby Girl (now in her TWOS--by which I mean we waited until 2 1/2 for the terribles to begin). We did laundry, got ready for in-laws to visit for the weekend, we cuddled and read books and napped, we went to see her older sister's variety show in the evening. We (okay--just I) got a little freaked out by what sounds like an animal in the chimney of the fireplace. Didn't see anything--Daddy will have to check this out today.

I only failed at the blogging thing. I was a good wife and mommy. And that's more important.

Wednesdays

2010-11-04T09:07:00.004-05:00

I hate Wednesdays. One of my least favorite things about Wednesdays is teaching confirmation. In my last setting, I had 48 7th and 8th graders. I now have 10 6th, 7th, and 8th graders. Both have pros and cons. Overall, I think this 10 would be preferred.

But...Wednesdays are horrible on our family. Hubby was recruited for choir--they need more than one bass; he makes two. When choir decided on a meeting time, the selected Wednesday evening at the same time as confirmation. Which we all knew meant Baby Girl would be along and that hubby would have to be the one to care for her during that time if need be. This was okay for a week or two.

Then, a couple things happened. One--other parents have been having to bring their kids. Baby Girl wants so much to play with them, but they are old enough to be self-sufficient, but not old enough to play with her unsupervised. This is a challenge.

Two--Hubby decided to join/support fledgeling attempt at a praise group, which is meeting the hour right before choir. Which means we are all at church even longer.

Yesterday was particularly bad. I don't think Baby Girl napped at daycare--normally, 'grandma' tells me, but didn't say anything in particular. However, she fell asleep in her carseat on the way home. I let her sleep for an hour, which mean we drove to church before she woke up. This (and refusing to eat most of her supper) made her a particularly unhappy camper.

And our building is small enough that she can almost always see or hear me and has been in "mommy mode" a lot recently. A number of factors conspired last night and hubby finally took her home early leaving choir. This is not working--for her, or me. It also means a late bedtime and a fight to do so. The bedtime time itself wouldn't be so horrible if she had time to decompress herself at home before heading to bed. It makes Wednesdays even more stressful--and confirmation, when I'm distracted by her screaming or them having to walk through to where the potty is.

The problem is that pretty much everyone we know in this town that we'd trust to watch her during this time is busy at church on Wednesday evenings. I dont' know what we are going to do. But we can't keep this up--it's just not working.

Garage

2010-11-03T14:33:00.002-05:00

Having a garage isn't something I thought I took for granted--but I realized that I have. For the last two nights, I parked my car in our garage! A novel concept--it only took 3 months to get one of our cars in our new garage. Our last house had a HUGE two car garage (extra long and extra wide) and an additional shed that was essentially a small one car garage. The only downside was that the garage was detached. That was a pain, especially when carrying a baby (and often other things) and trying to not let the screen door blow away and get the door unlocked and get in the house. An attached garage was on my must-have list for this house.

Which it is, but it is a TINY two car garage. We have 3 vehicles, a number of bikes, strollers, workbenches, and general garage stuff. One vehicle seriously will never go in the garage because it doesn't fit--with the garage empty. We lovingly call this hand-me-down vehicle "the land yacht." Thank goodness this is the one with a functioning remote start--we are coming up on winter after all. Nights have already been frosty.

We did get one estimate to add a garage stall. Way more than we expected! We will get another estimate, but yikes. It was almost double what we thought--and what we thought would have been a stretch. We do have a tiny shed too, but still--I'm not sure we'll ever get two vehicles in a garage at this house.

At least I get the garage and don't have to scrape windows! I'm grateful for that.

I Hate/Love Fall

2010-11-02T15:07:00.003-05:00

I hate fall. I hate the days getting shorter and the darkness descending earlier and earlier each day. I hate "fall back" with a toddler because I'm sure it won't mean an extra hour of sleep. I hate the weather not deciding if it's warm or cold. I hate it being chilly outside and then too warm inside, but not warm enough to open windows. I hate the cold, frosty mornings. I hate the wind. I hate knowing winter and snow will be here soon.

But I do love the colors of the leaves and the way the sun shines on them. I love when it is warm. I love seeing Baby Girl's face as we play in the leaves and throw them in the air.

I guess my hate list is longer, but I want to make sure to notice that there are always things to love!

NoBloPoMo -- is that right?

2010-11-01T15:45:00.001-05:00

November Blog Posting Month? Something like that--it's been while since I've seen someone do the official thing--posting every day for the month of November. But it's a challenge I am going to take on. We'll see about success. And to up the likelihood of success, today's post will only be this. I'll save my other ideas for the next few days!

Doing it All

2010-10-28T10:31:00.004-05:00

I can't do everything. I know that. I've always known it, I guess. But I'm getting better at realizing it.

However, how do I manage to waste so much time at work? Why am I not getting work done when I'm in my office? It's 10:30 a.m. and I've accomplished nothing in the nearly 2 hours I've been here! In order to be better able to get done at home what needs to be done on Friday and Saturday, today I must accomplish the following: a few items for tonight's board meeting, a sermon for Sunday, Sunday School prep (which is started). That's not much, but it's a lot. I have a seed of an idea for my sermon and that's all for that so far.

I have a meeting to go to at 3, home quick for supper, and back for meeting at 5:30. Must have this done by 3. So now it's to work!

Except--wow, this was boring! No one even commented on my last post which was funny--why am I even bothering?

Green Hair and Blue Hamsters

2010-10-13T09:06:00.002-05:00

Episode 1:

Baby Girl wakes up in the morning and calls out to me. I go in to get her out of her crib where she is standing with her arms outstretched.

Me: Good morning sweetheart!
BG: Mommy have green hair.
Me: What? Green hair?
BG: Mommy, you have green hair.
Me: I have green hair? No.
BG: You have green hair last night. Mommy have green hair. BG have green hair and we slide down it.
Me: I had green hair last night and you had green hair and we slid down it.
BG: Yes.
Me: Silly goose!

My best guess is a dream.

Episode 2:

Baby Girl is sitting on my lap playing with something and it sounds like she says 'hamster.'

Me: Hamster? Did you say hamster?
BG: Yes.
Me: Did you see a hamster at 'Grandma's' (daycare)?
BG: Yes, Kaylee has one.
Me: Did you touch it?
BG: Yes.
Me: Was it soft?
BG: Yes.
Me: Was it this big? (make hands into size of baseball)
BG: No.
Me: What it this big? (make hands smaller size)
BG: No.
Me: How big was it?
BG: This big! (smiling and putting her hands together over her head)
Me: Really? What color was it? (still thinking it's possible that Kaylee brought a hamster to daycare)
BG: Blue!
Me: A blue hamster?
BG: Yes! (smiling)

Conversation replayed by us for daddy later. Hamster still big and blue. Daddy and I kept talking and said something to the effect of 'was the hamster in your imagination?' to which we got silence and a smile. I think she knew she was making this up and didn't want to admit it!

Hmm...that's a new one

2010-09-08T13:37:00.002-05:00

So, a couple from the Kingdom Hall/Jehovah's Witnesses just left my office. They came by to offer me their publications and indicated they'd love to bring some by each month. They said that many people appreciate them and many clergy also like them. Hmm...

My best friend in elementary school was a Jehovah's Witness, so I kind of have a soft spot. I took the brochures. I won't be sharing them--nor will I get multiple copies next month.

I've got to admire their convictions--confessing their beliefs no matter what, but really--to a church? They weren't pushy, were friendly, and clearly not out for a fight.

But that is certainly a new one for me!

Rock, Rock, Zzzzz

2010-08-30T22:11:00.002-05:00

Lately, as in the last couple weeks, Baby Girl has had a renewed interest in being rocked to sleep. This doesn't exactly coincide with being in our new home--the first two weeks here, she didn't want to be rocked. I have mixed feelings about it--but mostly enjoyment! I love to snuggle her, to feel her body against mine, to hold her until she gently drifts to sleep playing with her hair or mine. It's so relaxing--and I'm trying to only focus on her as I rock, to not think about the to-do list or what I should be doing that is 'more productive.' Oh sure, I sometimes think about sermon ideas or things I need to do, but it's still relaxing for me.

Which is precisely the problem. I rock her to sleep and then have no desire to do anything else. And 8:30 is just to early to go to bed--because it won't matter if I have 10 hours of sleep. I still don't like to see 6:30 a.m. And those boxes will not unpack themselves. But I'll get over it. I know these days of rocking are numbered. I'll take each and every one I can, her Baby Girl self snuggled into me as she goes to sleep and a depth of love that I can't put into words.

Balance and Guilt

2010-08-19T13:19:00.004-05:00

So as I'm settling into my new call, my new home, my new life...I'm trying to find a new balance. A new balance in which guilt about not being good enough at anything seems to lurk just below the surface. And so, this afternoon, for this hour I'm sitting on my couch--home alone. I need to clean and organize and file at home; I need to write a sermon--ideally by 4 p.m. today so that it doesn't bleed into family time. But I need this too--just sitting in my home watching design tv. So I am--even though I could be wasting time in my office pretending to work. I'm trying not to feel guilty. I will go back to work soon and will really work. And my sermon will be done by Sunday morning--well Saturday evening this week as I'm preaching at a service then. I will spend the time I need to with my family. And stuff at home will get done when it gets done. I'll keep learning this balance. One design show at a time. Ha!

Me, Me, Me

2010-08-09T13:06:00.002-05:00

Every so often, I go through this phase where I read lovely blog posts and want to comment, but change my mind because I seem to just be about me. I want to say something because I want others to know I'm reading and that I care, but I can't figure out what to say. Except something about me that is sparked by what I read. And so I say nothing.
And at the same time, I feel bad that I don't get many comments on this blog. And I have to re-evaluate yet again why I want a blog. I wanted a place to write, yes. But I think it's because I so deeply crave connection that I just can't seem to find. I'm trying here in my new place--to be less worried about what I say or who I am. But it's hard to make friends--who wants to be friends with their pastor? And I don't know that I want to initiate friendships--as in, invite certain people over for dinner and not others. Sigh.
But that doesn't seem to matter when I think of one connection this morning. Baby Girl wiped out on our new tile floor--barefoot, I'm not quite sure how she managed to slip where she did, but she cried harder than usual. No blood, no immediately obvious place of pain. And she let me pick her up and snuggle with her. Normally a owie involves a bit of a cry, a 'do you need a kiss?', 'yes,' a kiss, and then she's done and ready to go. Today she snuggled and even though she stopped crying, she just wanted to snuggle and nothing else. It was probably ten minutes--that's a long time for her these days. (Unless we are snuggling watching tv) It was so nice--an especially good thing for mommy as I prepared to take her to her new daycare for the first day today. That is, I guess, another post for another day.

BIGGEST Frustration in Moving

2010-07-23T21:58:00.002-05:00

So, it's now official. The biggest frustration in moving EVER. My husband. You'd think I'd expect things to go this way--we've been married 9 years (next Wed. in fact) and been together about 13 years. I should know better than to trust anything he says about what he will get accomplished. And he comes by it genetically--so when I put my new house in the hands of him and his parents while I try to do my job (wedding rehearsal)--I should expect that virtually nothing that they say will get done will. My mom is here so she has had Baby Girl in her care and done TONS of packing. So that's been good--mostly. But Baby Girl is in the throes of terrible twos, she's certainly confused by all this, she fought sleep for over an hour tonight which is very unusual. My husband's words were "I will stay in the new house until all the painting is done so that we are ready to move Saturday when we have help." So...today, immediately after closing, we picked the colors--2 whole rooms, and 1/2 of another. I helped with that and unloading the bit we had in my car and headed back to old home so I could do wedding rehearsal. So at 9 p.m., 1 room painted--and they are done for the night, but no worries--we'll paint it after we move the stuff. We had decided that we needed the rooms painted before we moved the stuff in! Oh--and he had planned to come to old home tonight, but now isn't. I am so frustrated. I don't know if any of this makes sense. And I guess it doesn't matter if it makes sense--because it doesn't matter what I think either--at least not about this.

Thinking

2010-07-20T17:44:00.003-05:00

This morning on my way into the office, I dropped Baby Girl off at daycare and then stopped in at my old church to give them our new address and just chat with secretary and senior pastor. It was nice. A bit weird, but nice too. As I was telling them about everything, senior pastor said something to the effect of "well it seems like you have 9 of the top 10 stressors." While I'm not sure I'd go that far, it's true too. Lots of good stresses right now--related to buying and selling homes. It's challenging. Then add family dynamics, a toddler, 40 minute commutes, church dynamics, hot and humid weather--it's no wonder I have a screaming headache that drugs haven't yet touched.

And this is robbing me of my sermon mo-jo. I have to write a wedding sermon for this weekend. Think I'm going to use most of an old one--just need to update it a bit. But I think the bulk of it will work. Goal is to get that done before leaving here tonight.

And then the weekend sermon. I have an old one that looked okay--before I went to text study. Now, not so much. But do I have anything better? No. Goal is to do that tomorrow morning. Plan to take tomorrow afternoon off--moving related needs. Thursday afternoon and evening are full. I do have Thursday morning, but...

I want so much to be a good preacher. In this place that is struggling, they need positive encouragement and also a kick in the butt. And worship is the place I have right now. We will be living here soon so I can have a better shot at other venues, but for now--this is it. The last line of the lectionary text is "how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!" Okay, God, some Holy Spirit sermon writing mo-jo would be good about now!

I feel like I can barely manage a coherent thought--trying to work seems so pointless. But this has to be done. And I hate it--I hate that we are trying to move at what feels like the busiest time. Perhaps there wouldn't be a better one. But there are so many phone calls and strangers and different people, my extraverted side is getting a workout and it's draining the introvert! And my husband's goals of getting fully moved in one day is killing the J in me. I want to start organized and not rushed. But that's doubtful. I never felt like we got fully situated in our last home 7 years ago--and certainly not after the total rearrangement with the birth of our girl 2 years ago. I do not want to start that way again. It drains me.

Just some thinking 'out-loud.' Hoping it gets the creative juices going.

Schedule

2010-07-19T12:14:00.004-05:00

Today ~ see new home to do some measuring, meet couple about wedding this weekend

Tuesday ~ work--including evening meeting, hubby comes home

Wednesday ~ work, pack in the evening

Thursday ~ work, including evening meeting

Friday ~ CLOSE ON NEW HOME, wedding rehearsal ~ begin to survive presence of mom and in-laws and their desires to help (which will be helpful but also stressful)

Saturday ~ wedding

Sunday ~ worship, begin VBS week in the evening

Wednesday ~ allow radon mitigation installer into old home

Wednesday/Thursday (we hope) ~ close on old home

Doesn't look like much--until you consider the packing, the physical moving, the homes 40 miles apart, all the legal papers that need to get taken care of, the utilities that need to be addressed, the toddler and who watches her when, the finding of childcare in new community, the mom leaving Tuesday next week for a trip to see my sister, oh and the usual work of each week

All will be well. But good stress is still stress. So begins the marathon of the next few works. Sermons may be reworked from previous events.

Updates

2010-07-13T16:04:00.003-05:00

On the housing front:

We are progressing toward buying a home in our new community. The building inspector okayed it yesterday. We have to have our loan finalized by July 30. Closing to be end of August or before. Sale not contingent on sale of our home--in-laws will serve as our 'bridge loan' if need be.

One contingent offer on our home in old community. (They have an accepted offer on their home-contingent on the sale of another home). Possible other offer--hubby talking to that couple today. They made an offer, but we need another $4000 to make it comparable/doable. If they agree to our counter offer, those with the contingent offer have 72 hours to either back out or come up with the money to make it a non-contingent sale.

ETA: They did make the counter offer essentially, $3000 which we can make work. We'll draw up paperwork tonight, sign tomorrow. So, either the 72 hours will happen or that will. Unless the additional folks coming tonight make a better offer before we sign the papers--oh, that'd still give the contingent folks their 72 hours. I've called the bank to set up loan stuff; Hubby called our realtor to let her know that we want to get things going. Hubby thinks--oh, we can move the last week in July. Can we say VBS? I didn't tell him that; wouldn't matter if I did. I guess I'm like Martha in Sunday's text--worried and distracted by many things. I need to be a bit more like Mary today. Think that'll make it into the sermon--it just might. Except I'm concerned all people will hear is, "Pastor Silent is moving to our town" not anything else.

On the job front:

Hubby has a job interview for a much better job! About 15-20 minutes from our new community. That's in the morning. We thought he was a long shot for the interview, so this is promising. I so hope for him that he moves forward, though he seems not too confident. I wish I had more time with him tonight to help him prepare. I have meetings all evening.

Me--I'm doing okay. Wanted to have my sermon for this weekend done already; I know, it's only Tuesday, but I didn't preach last weekend, so I was hoping. I'm struggling with how to teach 100+ people (mostly adults) how to communicate and how to plan. No surprises, just not sure how to proceed.

On the home front:

Hubby is also working his summer job an hour away from home (not in the direction of the new community--the other way) where he lives in a hotel and is gone all the time. Except he's had to come home alot for housing things. So...my mom is here. Still taking Baby Girl to daycare so as not to mess up her routine too much but mom is here to get her when I have evenings. It's mostly good; but it's going to be a long couple weeks.

Anonymity

2010-07-06T16:30:00.002-05:00

I blog anonymously; it is my choice, my way of being my shy introvert self in this big internet world. It's my way of being private; a way to make it 'safer' for me to share deepest thoughts and feelings. Anyone who knows me in real life would have no trouble identifying me if they came across this blog. And I don't think I've said anything that would be deadly or career-threatening if found by a member of a congregation. I've said things I wouldn't necessarily want to be told--like when I was in the call process, etc. BUT I'm not blogging for anyone else but me. I'm not trying to start a conversation about what is wrong with a certain group and how it can improve.

I recently received a letter with the first entry of a blog and a blog address that does such a thing. Part of me really wanted to just trash the letter and go no further, but I decided to read the blog. And I find what irks me is that the poster's identity is 'Facilitator'--based on what 'Facilitator' writes, the higher ups in the organization that s/he says s/he has spoken with would know who it is. But the rest of us don't. Oh--and the kicker is that the stated goal relates to transparency. Um...is it just me or wouldn't somehow including your identity go a long way towards transparency?

Now I'm torn--part of me wants to comment (with my real name) on the blog and call him/her on that. But at the same time, I don't want to give the blog credibility. So...any suggestions?

House Hunting

2010-06-24T15:26:00.003-05:00

So today, hubby and I spent 3 hours looking at houses. We visited 10 homes--only saw 9. One we showed up and the people were there and told the realtor they had canceled. Oops. But we narrowed it down to 4; one we really, really like and the others with potential. The one that was my dream home months ago--well, it had serious water damage this spring. The realtor said there was no way she'd recommend buying it. With that, we can agree--it had a really nice main floor layout though. We didn't even look at more of the home, but since were spending the day looking I wanted to see inside.

Our house is now listed on our local for-sale-by-owner site. Two realtors have made contact with us about bringing their clients in to see it. That is awesome! (It just went up 2 days ago.) Using the MLS on our local realty site, there are virtually no other homes in the price range we are priced at now. (There are serious like 5 within a span of $50,000 and most of those are more 'in-town' while we are almost in the country.) We are hopeful. If we don't sell in 30 days (or sooner if we decide we need to move on our really, really like home), we will list with a realtor. That way it'll be better for us if we want to make an offer on a new home contigent on the sale of our current home. I am choosing not to worry until after we get home from our conference/vacation/time away this coming week. When we get home, we'll go from here.

If Baby Girl's sign about 'her room' was really a sign that that is our home (and it is still the one we really, really like), it'll still be on the market next week. If not, we'll go from there. I'm just glad it feel like progress.

Now--for at least one sermon. I meant to write last night, but I've been fighting a cold or something. I got into bed at 8:30 last night, just after Baby Girl. I was out by 9 and slept almost straight through until 6 when Baby Girl woke us up. I feel much better today; will feel even better when Sunday's sermon is done!

Crazy Busy

2010-06-22T11:06:00.003-05:00

Life is crazy busy!!

We celebrated Baby Girl's second birthday on Memorial Day! She's such a big girl--Baby Girl doesn't so much fit any more. But it still does too--she's my precious angel, even as she asserts that she is indeed two and has the tantrums to prove it! Really, though, she's pretty laid back and not as 'terrible' as many other two year olds I've known. I cannot believe it's two years. She is still my heart. Next week, my hubby and I are headed south for a conference for me and an extra day just for us. We will be leaving her with her grandparents from Sunday morning until Thursday evening. That will be the longest I've ever been away from her--and the longest we've both been away from her at the same time. We have only both been away from her at the same time for one 24 hour stretch. I think it will be very hard on me. But I'm looking forward to the conference and time just with hubby!

This week, we have appointments for loan preapprovals and house hunts. We are listing our house on a 'for sale by owner' site--it should be up this afternoon. It's taking a bunch of my work week do do these meetings, but I'm ready to get this going! Pray for the house to sell quickly and for our house hunting... We went to an open house on Saturday and got the sign that it was time to move forward. We went to the upstairs of this house; Baby Girl went into the smallest bedroom (the one with pinkish walls), spun in circles and said, 'Baby Girl's room.' She loved the room next to it too (that one had a kid's table and chair set in it). So, while me might not end up in that house--it seemed like as good a sign as any to get us on the move. Or rather, a good sing for my hubby--I've been ready for some time!

Church is good--I'm loving the people and the place. Frustrations about some things, but things I anticipated to be frustrated about. So much could be written, but I need to write a sermon for this week (and hopefully start next week's so I don't have to do that away). I was hoping posting would get the writing juices flowing.

Is it cheating

2010-05-18T21:32:00.003-05:00

if, during my 3rd sermon/4th Sunday at New Church, I use this (almost 4 minute) video as half of my sermon when it fits my setting so amazingly well?

Radio Messages

2010-05-12T11:45:00.003-05:00

There are some who would say that a certain song being played on the radio is a sign from God. I am not one of them. I don't believe that God will cause a dj to pick a certain song to play just because I need to hear it. I do, however, think that God can stir my heart so that I pay particular attention to a certain song.

This morning on my long drive to New Church, a song that I've come to love came on the radio. Some of the words are "I don’t wanna go through the motions I don’t wanna go one more day Without Your all consuming passion inside of me I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking What if I had given everything? Instead of going through the motions." This song had become somewhat of a mantra the last year (years?) at First Church. I felt like I was just shuffling along, doing what needed to be done, but it was mostly about going through the motions and I wanted to be giving and doing more, but not there. This morning, the song came on and I turned up the radio and all of a sudden it was quiet.

Hmm, I thought. And I turned the radio off and back on and then just decided to wait. I found out later that the tower had been struck by lightning which caused them to go off the air for a few minutes. And I really don't think God had lightning strike that tower just so I'd hear certain songs. But the words that came on mid-song when service resumed, "this is where the healing begins, this is where the healing begins."

I wasn't wounded, but I was disheartened. I was tired and 'going through the motions.' Now, I'm further along a path. I'm in a new place; I'm excited and looking forward. Thanks God--for this new place and for the songs.

Day One

2010-05-01T12:21:00.003-05:00

Today's my first day at my new church. I drove down this morning for a women's group--5 ladies and me. It was a much smaller day than my first day at First Church, but a good one. And someone/they had cleaned out my office. Yes, there is still a bookshelf full of things--many of which I'm not sure I want/need or even that they want/need. But it's tidy and clearly an effort was put into it and that means a lot! Small children even made 'welcome pastor' signs. It feels really nice. I will be installed tomorrow during worship and potluck welcome will follow. Then will begin the sharp learning curve!!

On the way home, I drove past First Church and my name was still on the sign. As long as we live here, I'm debating just watching to see when it comes down. (As opposed to emailing and saying--hey, my name's on the sign).

The rest of today is lots of work at home, hopefully going to get a haircut and getting ready for tomorrow and a new week. And a new schedule--Baby Girl will go to daycare 4 days a week--at least for now. I'm going to take Fridays off--because I finally can. Lots of driving will happen in the forseeable future. I need to get some books I think.

It's new and exciting--like many May 1sts have been for me. It's scary too, but in a good way. I just need to stay focused and grounded and not allow more worries than necessary to creep in. It'll be okay; it'll be good. As my CPE supervisor made me say to myself so often that I made a sign of it for my desk, "I am more competent than I think and more capable than I realize." Darn him for being right!

That and deep breaths and prayers and excited hugs and cuddles from Baby Girl when I get home will see me through.

Oddness

2010-04-30T11:21:00.003-05:00

I am home alone today--ALONE. I'm so very rarely home all by myself it feels very weird. I took Baby Girl to daycare as it is her usual day. I went to church and finished cleaning out my office and turned in my key. And I still forgot to look at the sign to see if they have taken my name off. I might just have to do that this afternoon to satisfy my curiosity.

I start at new church tomorrow--I really need pseudonyms. I have been invited to a women's gathering that is pretty early in the morning and I'm not sure I want to go. I even said that I didn't think I would, but I will. I was hoping to have the day home with hubby to keep working on our house. I guess it's more important that I start down there. I will go and then spend time starting to get my office in order. Unless the members went in this week, I have to clean up the stuff left by the interim. I realize that not everyone is as neat/spotless as me--at least when it comes to leaving places for other people, but I can dream.

It feels very odd to be done at the first church, maybe I'll call it that (First Church) as it was my first call. But new place--what to call it?

Anyway, it's just an odd place to be in--this in-between place. And not moving home yet and not even having a date on the horizon. When we moved here, we had our house for sale or maybe even sold with the closing set for the end of the month. Now we don't even have our house listed.

Hubby is looking for new job options for himself so he wants to hold off just a bit more as a different job would impact our home options and location needs, so.... However, I have this goal. We will be ready to take pictures for our on-line ad by Friday next week--a week from today. I'm going to take Fridays off in the new place, so it'll be my next day home. We may still have a few things to do--like clean closets, etc. we can take photos anyhow.

Wow--this was really boring. I thought I had more exciting thoughts. I guess I'm tired.

Frustrations in Moving, Part 2

2010-04-14T09:46:00.004-05:00

House hunting--maybe? I found an awesome house on-line. From what I can tell on-line. I really really want to go see it, but we don't have ours ready to list yet. And, do we call a realtor we know? Especially since we are going to try to sell on our own. Or do we just call for an appointment? Or do we wait? Ugh.

I have too many books--too, too many. I am in the midst of boxing and packing and I have so many. I just want to be done packing my office!

And I'm packing to procrastinate the sermon writing. My final sermon here is this weekend. I have a one paragraph idea of what I want to say. It needs to be longer, but I just can't get into it. It will come--it always does.

Frustrations in Moving

2010-04-05T13:54:00.002-05:00

Oh--there are many, and many more to be sure, but this is today....

MIL and FIL here to 'help'--brought with almost 3 year old nephew--who is getting along fairly well with almost 2 year old Baby Girl--but finding jobs for MIL to do is challenging. She wants to be helping but doesn't realize that occupying the kids is more help than having the tv babysit them while she tries to clean something

Trying to box somethings but leave enough that staging the house will be good. We want to get it on the market soon and start looking. So packing, but not packing everything. It's a challenge. We did decide to rent a storage unit today. Decided it was worth it compared to the hassle of sending things home with MIL/FIL to store for us.

And packing, packing, and stopping because all the boxes are in one of the two rooms where toddlers are now napping. Need to get something done but not sure what at this point--need help from Hubby but also know that he needs to be working on the garage

But...it's Easter, it's a new beginning, a new start...

My Easter sermon involved talking about playing peek-a-boo with Baby Girl...must remember her joyous smile!

To Do Lists

2010-04-01T13:02:00.003-05:00

My 'to do' list at my current congregation is getting shorter and shorter. It is feeling good to mark things off the list. The list doesn't include lots of things like packing up my office and turning over files, etc. but rather the tasks, the events, the sermons.

I'm trying not to start my 'to do' list for my new congregation too soon. But things are already creeping onto it.

And, don't get me started on the home to do list--yikes! Lots to do to get our house ready to sell; once we list it we can start doing serious house-hunting in the new town. It's not looking really great in our price range, but we'll manage.

Number one, however, on my list is the item I'm struggling with--Easter morning sermon. Have seriously been lacking sermon mojo here for some time; I was hopeful knowing change is coming would help. Not so far. I'll get there somehow; I always do. Just wish it felt more like a gift of the Spirit to have the opportunity to preach here and now and less like an item on my to do list.

St. Patrick's Day

2010-03-17T13:46:00.002-05:00

Okay--really not at all about St. Patrick's Day--just couldn't think of a better title. Tomorrow is the day that the letter goes in the mail and the church council finds out. Friday I'll be making some calls to some people that I think might want to hear directly from me. I'm nervous about this part even as I'm excited about the future. Prayers appreciated.

Expectations and Hopes

2010-03-11T18:14:00.003-06:00

For now I will just say that things went as I hoped on Sunday. Now there are lots of expectations. I will write more soon.

Cutie

2010-03-03T09:20:00.004-06:00

Apparently we aren't the only ones who think our Baby Girl is a cutie. Last night we went to my stepdaughter's choir concert. As we waiting for the concert to begin, a little girl about 8 or so came over. "Excuse me, ma'am. Can I take a picture of your baby?" I said sure. She used a cell phone and took a picture. As she and her giggly friend walked away, she said, "We'll have to keep that one." It made me giggle. There were lots of other babies/toddlers there and Baby Girl was by far the cutest! :)

Inquiring Minds Want to Know

2010-02-26T12:38:00.002-06:00

Okay--so 2 out of 3 readers want to know what's going on with me and a possible new call. And this is a lovely procrastination tool for the sermon that doesn't seem to want to get written for this weekend.

A congregation about 45 minutes from here will be voting whether or not to extend me a call on Sunday, March 7th. Their proposal for compensation was well below synod guidelines and even more below what I'm receiving in my current setting. (Because of insurance coverage costs.) My hubby and I met with them and proposed a middle ground--I took him with, it was ridiculous not to--we make financial decisions together and it would have delayed the process to have to talk to him before agreeing. So, I still would be making less than here/less than guidelines, but Baby Girl would have insurance coverage along with me and we think the 'quality of life' benefits would outweigh the cost. And Hubby could keep his job though we'd move closer to the new place. (He currently drives about 15-20 minutes in the direction of the new place from where we are now.) So, this tiny, struggling financially congregation will be voting on calling me AND a salary package bigger than they had budgeted for. So...we'll see.

And I'm okay because lots of things make it seem like it will happen, though it's by no means a done deal. And, if it doesn't happen, Hubby is committed to doing everything in his power to get a new job for himself to get me out of here!

So...there you have it. Now to the sermon for this weekend! Brilliant ideas on that are welcome! Somehow I've never preached on this particular Sunday of the church year, so I really have nothing.

Keeping My Mouth Shut

2010-02-18T11:07:00.004-06:00

I am writing this because I need to keep my mouth shut.

I remember baptizing this little boy who died, marking his forehead with the sign of the cross. "Child of God, you have been sealed by the Holy Spirit and marked with the cross of Christ forever." I remember his bright blue eyes, the way he was one of the first children I ever made real eye contact with as they were baptized--believing, knowing, he looked into my eyes as I said these words to him. I remember when he was diagnosed and telling his mom that I didn't know what to say, but if there was anything I could do--come over and wash dishes even--I would. I read his website faithfully, trying to be connected when he did not get out of the house much and the family had supports beside us for actual visits. (Though we talked regularly with the parents.) I have felt more than once that I was to be here to do his funeral--most strongly felt that when I was discerning whether or not to move 2ish years ago.

And now, I will be involved in the funeral, but not preaching. And I began to question, was I really not the one who poured the baptismal waters? Am I thinking of the wrong little boy? But my pastoral reports indeed say that I presided at this baptism. According to senior pastor, he's preaching because he presided at the baptism. And I wonder--did that come from him or the family? If they remember him, fine. But if he doesn't remember....

I obviously would never say something to the family. Losing your 6 year old son is more than enough grief. I want to say something to senior pastor, but what good would it do? So, I'm keeping my mouth shut. I will do my best at the funeral and I will do my best to love the family.

God claimed this little boy in the waters anyway--I was just the hands; it could have be any hands. And now God has claimed this little boy again--for all eternity. I've got to get out of the way.

Not about me, but about me

2010-02-16T14:39:00.002-06:00

So...I am hopefully done playing nurse to my family. Hubby is on the mend--feels good today. Sees eye doctor tomorrow. Baby Girl was her full, happy, bubbly, perky self this morning. She see's doc on Friday just to be sure.

I need desperately to get my sermon for tomorrow written, but just got a sad phone call (for lack of a better word). A little boy was just admitted to a hospice house this morning--he has outlived his diagnosis for much longer than any of us expected. My heart aches for this family--this little boy whose forehead I marked with the sign of the cross on his baptismal day just over 6 years ago.

A few years ago, I thought I was going to move, but had this nagging feeling that I was supposed to stay until I did his funeral. Well--I didn't move then--for lots of reasons. And now--in just a few weeks, a different congregation will be voting to extend me a call. (It's by no means definite; money is a huge factor but that's another post.) If they do call me, it'll be a few months yet before moving. Just recently I said to my hubby, I haven't thought about this boy's funeral for some time. But today, I wonder. Is this what I am here for?

So What's Next?

2010-02-12T19:25:00.002-06:00

A toddler with a double ear infection.

And raspy chest so on medicine for that too so that it doesn't turn to pneumonia.

Seriously?

2010-02-09T12:23:00.000-06:00

So my iphone wouldn't cooperate with attempt #1--which would not have been complete because that was Sunday morning.

Blogger/my computer ate attempt #2.

Here's #3...

Seriously, how much more can we take?

I spent from 3 a.m. to 10:30 a.m. Sunday morning with my hubby in the ER
(Add this to the list of why I'm glad I'm an associate for now--my role for Sunday morning services was to lead worship/preside--senior could manage on his own quite nicely)

He is 'a freak of nature'--the doctor's term, really. Apparently people don't have 2 kidney stones (1 in each kidney) at the same time--at least very often.

Saw the urologist Monday a.m., which ended up involving a 'procedure'--code for knocking hubby out and putting stents in each tube from each kidney to bladder. Stones broke up with the scope so they should just pass, stents will be removed next week. But now there is pain from the procedure--mostly just when he pees, but also some pain from the stents being put in.

The good news, seriously, in all of this is that my mom was in town, so Baby Girl did not have to go with to either. She was able to stay asleep in her bed and then have someone who loved her and know her routine to wake up to. She's confused, we can tell. But she is loved. And it made 7 hours in the ER and hours in the waiting room at the surgery center much more bearable knowing whose hands she was in.

Add to this a waiting game for me about something potentially significant and I'm fried. Trying very hard to finish Sunday's sermon today so I can start on Ash Wednesday tomorrow. Yucky weather here, so at least when I go home this early afternoon I do not have to come back out for a meeting I was supposed to have. That's something at least.

Can we go back to 2009?

2010-01-22T14:25:00.002-06:00

2010 is off to an officially crappy start. I've avoided writing about some of it because it seemed like it would 'out' me, but really if anyone knows me, the last post already did. I've told on Baby Girl a lot. What can I say, she is the bright light of every day! Sometimes the only light.

So here's the year so far:

January 1-2 ~ No big deal. Hubby, Baby Girl, and I went out for a really early dinner on December 31 and then came home and settled in for the night. She went to bed at her normal time (7:30/8 p.m.) and we watched the ball drop in New York (so 11 p.m. our time) and went to sleep. The days were home and uneventful.

January 3 ~ Morning worship--not a big deal, except upon leaving from colleague. "Oh, did so-and-so talk to you? They want to come see you on Tuesday." Leaving me with guesses but unsure about topic.

January 5 ~ First day back in the office after a week off. So-and-so calls to set up appointment, colleague does give me a bit of history about what topic will be. Meet with him--blog later (the sermon I want to write versus the sermon I need to write.)

January 7 ~ 6 p.m. Short version -- Hubby gets hit in the eye with a flying rock. Serious injury. Crappy weather. Friend takes us all (including Baby Girl) to emergency room. Arrive home 10 p.m. after two ERs due to stupid hospital system

January 8 ~ Crappy weather, friend takes hubby to eye doc so as to disturb Baby Girl less, hubby to be on at least 5 days of bed rest, pills, and numerous drops. Frantically arrange care for girl for Saturday evening worship and Sunday morning. Oh yeah, and try to finish sermon.

January 9 ~ a.m. visit doc, eye looking good

January 10 ~ 2 a.m. hubby wakes me up in severe eye pain and seeing (or not as the case may be) as he did right after rock, 6 a.m. call senior pastor and give him two options--I don't come to worship/important Sunday School event I'm part of or his wife takes hubby to eye doc when he calls. senior pastor goes with option 2. Rebleed--really, really bad for eye--increase drugs and bed rest

January 10 ~ 8:30 a.m. with Baby Girl go get oil changed, p.m. in-laws arrive and I take hubby to doctor

rest of the week ~ someone takes hubby to doctor every day, either FIL, me or both ~ I try to work and try to maintain some sense of normalcy in my home and with Baby Girl

January 17 ~ morning between services--pre-annual meeting meeting that I don't attend because it could get ugly regarding me and colleague, in-laws leave so FIL can have hernia surgery on Monday, hubby's eye improving

January 20 ~ ice storm, but get hubby to eye doc before it's bad to hear things are looking good--eliminate pills, keep drops, no need to see doc again until Wednesday

January 21 ~ a.m. hubby sees retina specialist, can't see retina as well as would like so needs to come back Monday, still really icy--don't want to have friend come out to watch Baby Girl so I can attend potentially horrid council meeting while hubby (who can finally drive) can go to older daughter's 7 p.m. recital, 5 p.m. hubby finds out that recital is at 6 p.m. an hour away--franctically prepares to go and take Baby Girl with, 9 p.m. I arrive home not long after them, 10 p.m. go to sleep, 11:30 p.m. woken up by hubby saying something about "kidney beans"--he's in severe pain--we do online research, call doctors, etc. --self-diagnose kidney stones, he's in bad shape

January 22 ~ 1 a.m. head to ER, loading up Baby Girl from sleeping--she stays asleep through move and all the way to the ER, wakes up then--about 2 a.m. is awake until 4 a.m. in the ER, hubby is definitively diagnosed with kidney stone, given loads of pain meds and sent home, 3:45 Baby Girl starts to melt down tremendously, I want to cry (she really was a trooper through it all--she's such a good, happy girl, we are so lucky!), 4:30 a.m. arrive home, sleeping Baby Girl stays asleep for transfer back to bed, 5 a.m. I curl up to sleep, 6:30 a.m. Baby Girl awake and ready to go! Hubby snoring away from all the heavy duty pain meds, I manage to get Baby Girl to watch some tv so I can doze until 7:30 a.m., 7:45 a.m. wake up hubby to watch her while I shower, 8 a.m. leave to take Baby Girl to daycare and head to pick up prescriptions for hubby, taken those home, 9:30 a.m. arrive in office--spend day (with exception of one home communion visit) trying to stay awake and write sermon for this weekend--which is annual meeting and potentially hurtful and the texts are about being the church (as I read them)--there seems to be a lot at stake.

Oh--and no time for this, but hubby has new job, don't know how many sick days he really has nor what his insurance covers; he had to buy insurance at this job and he's never sick, so I don't know which one he picked. We've seen no bills yet, but yikes...it cannot be good.

I want to go back to 2009. 2010 is not off to a good start.

Crayons

2010-01-13T21:05:00.003-06:00

This morning, Baby Girl was playing with crayons, which I took away when she started saying, 'icky' and I noticed red chunks around her mouth. (She has been told repeatedly not to eat crayons and also had them taken away for doing so.) I put them away in a different spot than usual and she saw that. She cried a bit, but got over it. We played and she said goodbye to me as usual--with hugs, kisses, waves, etc. I left for work about 8:15 a.m.

When I came home around 3 p.m., she didn't come running like usual. I came in and said, "where's my girl?" She looked at me, pointed, and said "crayons." I replied, "can I have a hug?" She looked at me, pointed, and said "crayons." I went over to her to try to hug her; "crayons," she said. I encouraged her to ask nicely (i.e. saying please) which she did. Then I gave back her crayons, asked for a hug and she happily obliged.

That girl forgets nothing! But obviously can hold a grudge, but not forever. I usually rock her to drowsy and then put her in her crib. Tonight, she wanted to be held until asleep. I would try to move her and she'd say, "NO" and push me back in the chair. She was quite content to snuggle. She makes me so happy. I still can't believe how much I love her!

The Sermon I Want to Write vs. the Sermon I Need to Write

2010-01-07T14:54:00.002-06:00

So, the lectionary is a good thing, yes? I knew this week was Baptism of Our Lord for a long time, knowing I'd be preaching. I hadn't looked at the texts closely prior to Tuesday morning. When Isaiah's/God's words struck me the most. "I have called you by name, you are mine." (The text is Isaiah 43:1-7.) And others..."you are precious in my sight; I love you." Words that most of us need to hear more often than we do. I read these on Tuesday morning, just after having been given a heads-up that I was going to have someone come in to talk to me in the afternoon as a follow-up to an evaluation given 2 plus years ago. The story is much more drawn out than I have in me. The conversation went well, but here are the highlights. I don't talk about myself enough in my sermons. (Really--I was taught that sermons should be about, I don't know, GOD.) I am not 'friendly' enough in the narthex before/after services. (Really--when you rush to put your coat on or make a closed circle to talk with your friends, I'm not going to interrupt you unless I have something more specific than good morning to say.) I've been here nearly 7 years; these aren't new things...but I can only change so much. Especially when I found out this follow-up (so late) is because a handful of people thought that they should 'eliminate the position' for 2010. At least council said, "no--if this was part of the evaluation 2 years ago, we need to follow up on it rather than having done nothing than told her that 2 years ago...and we don't agree on the step of eliminating the position."

Anyway, Tuesday night/Wednesday morning at 1 a.m. Baby Girl wakes up. I listen to her whine/moan/cry through the moniter about 15 minutes and then go hold her, rocking her for 1/2 hour before she settles down. Just long enough to be fully awake and hear the words echoing in my head that I'm not good enough. (And continuing to echo for at least an hour more after I get back in my bed.) I never have been and never will be. The good news is that I also had the words of Isaiah/God echoing around in there. "You are precious in my sight and I love you. I created you. You are mine."

So the sermon I want to write is basically this..."You want to hear more about me. How about this? I'm a shy quiet introvert who wants you to learn about me by taking time to talk to me, not by sharing stories from the pulpit. From here, I want you to hear about God. But today, how about this? In my life, I've hardly ever felt good enough...and Tuesday I was told I wasn't good enough to be here, to be standing before you. So I spent hours awake with that echoing in my head. The good news is that I had God's voice too--and too bad for you, that's the one I'm going to listen to. If I'm not good enough for you, fine. I am God's beloved and I am doing the best I can to be who God made me--and it's not by telling stories about myself or about shaking more hands after worship."

And the sermon I need to write is not quite the same....It will be about all of us needing to hear Isaiah's/God's words echoing in our minds. I just first have to get through the sermon I want to write and to hear the sermon I need to hear in order to get to the sermon they need to hear.

Sickness, Snow Days and My Little Extrovert

2009-12-11T14:37:00.002-06:00

Due to winter weather and a touch of sickness, we've spent much of the last week inside. Tuesday, Baby Girl went to daycare, but I picked her up early because of tummy troubles that wouldn't allow her to remain at daycare. Let's just say she was on her 3rd outfit of the day. Wednesday is usually a work-at-home day, but we go out to a text study meeting. We didn't because of snow and Daddy was home from work too--no school! Thursday was cold...cold...cold! But, Daddy and I tag-teamed work in order to keep Baby Girl home (though looking at the day, she probably could have gone to daycare). There was no school, but Daddy wanted to get work done, so he worked in the morning and I went to work for the afternoon. About 4 p.m. I called to say that I'd be heading home and Daddy asked if we wanted to go out to pick up some groceries and get out of the house. I agreed as long as they were ready as soon as I got home so the car would be nice and warm for Baby Girl. I pulled in the driveway and we still debated, but decided to go. Apparently, when we hung up, he had said to Baby Girl, "find your socks and shoes" and she couldn't find them/get to the door fast enough! Well...my little girl is such an extrovert! She was so happy and exicted to be out. She said "hi" to everyone in the store, even staring down the cashier until the cashier replied. Guess it was good to get out!

So really, not a very exciting post, but it's a wonderful procrastination tool!

Need vs. Want

2009-11-12T15:16:00.002-06:00

I should be working...I'm in my office where the afternoon is unusually quiet; that means I'm working, right? Never mind that I'm reading blogs and checking personal email and texting my hubby. I will leave soon to pick up Baby Girl from daycare; she's 17 months old now. I think I need a different nickname, but I digress.

Knowing tomorrow will be a busy day of appointments, I want to get a sermon written for this weekend--maybe it's even a need. But it's not happening. I'm managing to stay on top of other work things and maybe even enjoying some of them. But not preaching. It seems to be such a struggle lately. And yet, I look longingly at a potential D.Min program at my alma mater. But I've become a horrible preacher. My habits are atrocious; I am very disappointed in myself. I would be embarrassed to tell my preaching professor, a person who I admire so much, a person who has also so often been my pastor.

I can't decide if my bad preaching is a symptom or the problem. I am so very done here in this place. I need something that will be rejuvenating and life-giving. I'm hopeful about a continuing ed. event this summer, but details are still very fuzzy and senior pastor is already having a fit about how he'll fit taking youth on a mission trip and get his vacation in this summer, especially if I'll be gone any of it. (Never mind that I agreed to go to the week of confirmation camp and also am entitled to vacation time. Heaven forbid that we get a supply pastor even though it's in the budget.)

I want to be a better preacher--I need to. Yes, God can work through all sorts of garbage, but I've got to get out of the way. Right now, I feel squarely in the way. I find all sorts of things to do to avoid sermon writing because I feel like such a failure.

At text study this week, I said that I wasn't sure where I'm going exactly (I have a designated theme because of a program we are doing). I said, "I think I just need to start writing and see what happens." I just haven't been able to bring myself to start. Sometimes I need to sit with paper and pencil. Perhaps late tonight after evening meeting. Who needs sleep, right?

QRSTUVWXY and Z

2009-10-30T13:13:00.004-05:00

I haven't posted for a month, but I just can't let this thing go. I feel like I need to complete this before I post anything else...despite having had other things that would mostly likely develop into much more interesting posts. But for my sake...completing an alphabet of gratitude!

Q

Quilts ~ both for warmth and beauty
Quiet moments ~ quiet moments in my heart are treasured more so than actual volume, though I do appreciate times of actual quiet too

Reading ~ don't do as much as I'd like right now

Sunshine ~ I sometimes wonder if I really do suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder. I need sunshine!

Texting ~ a new way for my hubby and I to communicate

Umbrellas? ~ really, all I can think of this moment that begins with u

VeggieTales ~ Baby Girl LOVES Bob the Tomato--these are a huge help in the morning when I must get ready and need to know she's occupied while I shower

Winter memories ~ I hate cold and mostly hate winter, but winter memories from my childhood are some of my favorite.

xylophone ~ Baby Girl loves to play hers

You ~ I know I don't write often anymore, if I ever did, but it's nice to know someone might actually read this. (And I know there are a few of you who do at least occasionally.)

Zippers ~ crazy thing to be grateful for I know, but I prefer zippers to buttons on sweaters--they feel warmer somehow in the midst of winter

Okay--done--perhaps others will come to me and I'll add them. Hopefully instead I will just post more.

JKLMNOP

2009-09-30T14:55:00.000-05:00

I really had good intentions of doing this gratitude posting; I did. But I would also find myself tired at the end of the day and without the brain power to put thoughts into words, especially thoughtful words. I also found myself without time throughout the day to post--except while at work while trying to be more efficient so as to have less to do on my 'work-at-home' days and to not feel so overwhelmed. So...this fell away. At the same time, I'm OCD enough that I can't just fully admit it and then let it go...I need to at least make a list of a few things for each letter. So today (or actually composed in weeks)...JKLMNOP

J

J and J ~ my great-grandparents, though I never knew them, their stories have shaped me, their decisions to leave the 'old country' and come to the US, their lives before and after that move, their daughter my grandma
Jonquils ~ don't really know how they are different from daffodils, but I love both and I think 'jonquils' is a fun word
Jury duty ~ can't say I want to do this anytime again soon, but it was definitely an educational experience! I wouldn't mind serving again in the distant future

kisses ~ Baby Girl will kiss pictures, particularly of doggies (or bow-wows as she says), and daddy and her bear and toys...but they are hard-won gifts for me. I think she associates giving me kisses with me going away and so doesn't want to give them...despite that I give her lots of kisses all the time. Yesterday, she would kiss a picture of me, but not me. I don't understand.
kisses--the Hershey variety, particularly with almonds ~ I posted about these some time ago, maybe I'll get ambitious later and create a link

lists ~ I'm a list maker. They help keep me semi-focused on things that need to be accomplished
light ~ preferably natural light. I don't care if the house warms up in the afternoon, I want lots of light coming in. I hate the darkness of the winter; it sucks the life out of me. I love how long the light is in the summer. During that time of year, I think I could live near the arctic circle.

music ~ I may not have any natural musical talent, but I love music.
milk ~ I drank soy until age 5, but quickly developed a love for milk. When I go to my mom's, she always says she had to buy extra milk because her calf is home. Even though I love milk, I should have known something was up when I drank a whole gallon by myself in the 24 hours before Baby Girl was born. This is also probably why producing milk for her was not a challenge for me, at least according to my doctor.

nighttime ~ particularly nights without meetings, the quiet nights when we are home together as a family and I can snuggle and rock Baby Girl to sleep
newness ~ for right now I think I'm grateful for the little new things because I am so craving bigger newness

order ~ I like 'a place for everything and everything in its place.' I'm learning to let some of that go as I realize that a 16 month old just can't do it. I haven't fully given up on the 38 year old who also lives in my house though.
once upon a time ~ okay, a stretch, I admit--but stories and those stories that so easily lend themselves to being pulled into and stories that take us away to new places

pens and pencils ~ some particular ones in fact, I love variety in these, of playing with new ones and colors. I do more and more on the computer, but sometimes I just need to physically write.
peas ~ Baby Girl's current favorite vegetable

Big I, Little i, what begins with I?

2009-08-31T20:16:00.003-05:00

Itchy, itchy Ichabod...I, i, I*

Has it really been two weeks? Wow...it's been a crazy few weeks; I started this list in my head two weeks ago...

internet ~ really, don't know what I'd do without it
income ~ two steady incomes in fact, incomes not affected by the economic downturn
ice cream ~ especially chocolate from our particular midwestern grocery store chain...yum
instructions ~ I like instructions--even if I sometimes choose to ignore them

I guess I'll say that's enough for 'i' and hope that I get back into this blogging habit soon.

*Dr. Seuss

Big H, little h, what begins with H?

2009-08-15T20:06:00.002-05:00

Hungry horse, hen in hat...H, h, H*

House ~ I'm grateful that we have a house, a nice house, probably more house than we need.
Home ~ But a house isn't the same as a home for me. We have a home, a place where there is love and family and togetherness.
Home for my words ~ I'm grateful for this blog, for a place to write and how it has helped me connect with others.
Help ~ It's hard for me to ask for help, but when it's offered in love, I'm grateful.
Hands ~ When I think about it, it's pretty amazing what hands can do.
Heat (but not HOT weather) ~ I am usually cold, so I'm grateful for some heat. But I'm not crazy about hot, humid weather. I'm thinking more about winter here and how grateful I am for our wood burner and how toasty warm our house can get.

*Dr. Seuss

Big G, little g, what begins with G?

2009-08-14T13:51:00.002-05:00

Goat and goo-goo goggles, G..g..G*

I've been thinking about G for some time and actually have had quite a list in my head for the whole week since I last posted, but I had to make time today. A nerve was hit for me today and I know it shouldn't have been but it was. A woman going through unspeakable grief commented on a blog of hers a feeling she had when a bunch of us started doing this "ABCs" of gratitude thing. It feels fake and insincere to her--my words for how I read her...I own it that is my take on what she wrote. But it hit a nerve because maybe it started somewhat flippantly, but I am choosing to keep doing this because I need to. Writing is something that has always been life-giving and healing to me. And I have been wanting and needing to write, but not having the motivation to begin. Having a reason, a purpose, a silly tool of the alphabet is motivation. I feel stuck right now, and while it's not her unspeakable pain, it's my pain, my heartbreak, my need. And it helps me to focus on the good things, the things I'm grateful for so that I can think beyond the stuck-ness. And so...my list for G--in no particular order....

Grace ~ on so many levels, mainly God's grace--grace that pours over and fills up and sustains and keeps me going even when I don't feel like it or even necessarily feel it, but also the simple grace extended by others...not minding that it took almost 2 weeks to return a phone call or the thoughtfulness of a door held
Grief ~ really? especially after the opening paragraph? Yes. My grief may not be as dramatic or horrible as many others have experienced. But when I look at my circle of close friends, most have experienced very little grief. My dad died 22 years ago when I was not quite 10...rarely a day goes by that I don't experience grief. And that's not the only loss I've faced. And while I would gladly trade this grief for the people or situations that are unrepairable, having experienced what I have makes me a better pastor, better able to sit with death and grief and unanswered questions. And I am grateful for that.
Giggles ~ particularly those of Baby Girl...why is it that baby giggles are so amazing?
Gratitude ~ I'm grateful that my life is such that I can be grateful.

It seems that I had a much longer list in my head a few days ago when I didn't have the time. Ah, well. So it goes.

*Dr. Seuss

Big F, Little f, what begins with F?

2009-08-06T15:23:00.003-05:00

Four fluffy feathers on a Fiffer-feffer-feff.*

Freezers ~ I'm very grateful for freezers this week. I threw out my back on Monday, so having a frozen ice pack to use on a regular basis was a must. That--and for the quick, easy, frozen food!
Flexibility ~ Again, back-related. I didn't think I was really flexible, but now that it hurts to bend certain ways, I am grateful for how flexible I am.
Flexibility, in less physical terms ~ I am grateful for a flexible schedule. Though I must admit, I would be even more grateful if others could appreciate my flexible schedule. But I'm not dwelling on that--I'm being grateful here!
Fingers ~ cute, sticky, little fingers and the realization of how much they can do now--of course, it's always all about Baby Girl!
Friends ~ those with whom it's always possible to fall back into easy friendship, even if time has passed
Freedom ~ can't really put this one into words

*Of course, it's Dr. Seuss.

Big E, Little E, what begins with E?

2009-08-02T17:52:00.003-05:00

Ear, egg, elephant...E, e, E*

Email ~ I have never, ever been a telephone person. I'm so glad to have email ~ especially for work stuff. I'd much rather send the email than make a call when possible.
Electricity ~ I take it for granted, I know. E's a hard letter for me--guess that's why I thought of it.
Elephants ~ I probably only thought of them because of Dr. Seuss, but they are pretty amazing creatures.
Eyes and ears ~ do I really need to comment on this one?
Evenings, especially ones with no meetings this time of year ~ I hate winter for lots of reasons, but primarily because it gets dark so early and I tend to have more meetings. I love having it be light after supper, with free time to decide how to spend. These days, it usually involves outside playtime, a bath, bed for baby, then tidying up the house. Sitting with a cool breeze blowing through the house, the house tidy, the sun gradually setting, time to read or blog or just relax, ahh...

*Thanks to Dr. Seuss

Big D, Little d, what begins with D?

2009-07-31T14:00:00.002-05:00

Donuts and a duck-dog, D, d, D*

Departure ~ of MIL this morning, meaning that tomorrow will be the first full 24 hour day that it's just my hubby, Baby Girl and me home since July 4. I am so ready. I am grateful for her help, and my mom's prior to that, but I'm done sharing my house. I'm a J on Myers-Briggs and I really like my order and don't like it messed with. My husband will tell me to get over it, but the big thing today is what I noticed while playing outside with Baby Girl this afternoon. My MIL (who always has to be doing...) decided to do some re-landscaping of my yard. Okay--if she'd asked, maybe. I don't have time to do lots of yard work; I'm trying to keep things alive that were here. I realize this, but what she did was move lots of the decorative rocks. I couldn't tell you where they all came from, but I do know that they are now covering all the spots where from up close you could see dirt. You know why you can see dirt in those spots? It's because that's where the spring flowers (like ALL the tulips) came through the beds of small rocks. Tulips are my favorites. Okay--venting over for now....this is supposed to be things I'm grateful for.
D ~ my husband. He's a wonderful daddy and he's very caring. I know I sometimes take him for granted and I know sometimes I get annoyed. After a near week with MIL, it helps me remember some of the things he does he can't help. He's just like her in some things.
Disposable diapers ~ I know...they are bad for the environment, expensive, etc. But for me, at this point in my life, it was worth it.
Dishwasher ~ not only because I'm lazy and don't enjoy washing dishes, but because I love knowing that the dishes get clean and sanitized with very hot water.
Dozing ~ Baby Girl was out of sorts when all left this morning, so I decided we'd snuggle for a bit and watch some TV. She fell asleep and thinking she wouldn't sleep long, I just snuggled with her and ended up dozing with her. She slept about an hour and I probably dozed 1/2 that time.
Day off ~ Having a day off so I had that luxury. Though since she's down for her real nap, I should really do something that I need to accomplish--like message for Sunday or some laundry or a stack of papers....

*Thanks to Dr. Seuss

Big C, Little c, what begins with C?

2009-07-30T14:41:00.002-05:00

Camels on the ceiling, C, c, C*

Today I'm grateful for:

church ~ the body of Christ, the universal church, especially those times we live it out well
communion ~ I'm such a Lutheran; sacraments are so important to me
communion of saints ~ especially that "mystic sweet communion with those whose rest is won"
connections ~ of all sorts, especially with people
colleagues ~ one in particular has been particularly helpful in my life in the last few days, but there are so many I'm grateful for
cats ~ I've always been more of a cat person than a dog person. Perhaps it's because cats are more like me--fiercely independent, seem stand-offish and/or shy, but when they love you, they can't get enough attention
cuddles ~ especially from a certain 14-month-old in my life
china ~ two sets in particular, one handed down from my grandpa's cousin that has real gold leafing and one handed down from my mom
C ~ my daddy...he's one major reason the communion of saints is so important for me. He's been gone for 22 years now, more than double the time I had to know him. He meant so much and I know how much he loved me. And I know we are connected. It doesn't always feel like enough, but it's all I have.

I'll think of more later; I know I will. I keep thinking of so many things for the past letters. Here's the beginning of that list: Advent, anticipation, baptism, books, blogs, boxes. (I mean really, how could I forget baptism, books, and blogs yesterday?)

*thanks to Dr. Seuss

Big B, little b, What Begins with B?

2009-07-29T09:27:00.003-05:00

Barber, baby, bubbles, and a bumblebee*

Babies ~ I wrote about my baby girl yesterday and I'm most grateful for her, but all babies give me so much hope. They remind me of possibilities and love and newness. There is nothing more precious to me that snuggling a tiny one.
Breast milk ~ I am so grateful for these months that I have had plenty of breast milk to nourish my little one. I know everyone is not so lucky. Right now it is bittersweet as we are nearing being fully weaned -- just nursing once a day. I'll miss it when we are done completely.
Boppies ~ These make nursing so much easier. I'm not sure I could have nursed so long without having one!
Bed ~ I love to sleep. I'm grateful for a soft cozy bed and warm covers.
Butterflies ~ I have a little card with a butterfly pin on that says this, "Butterflies are a reminder to us that the world flutters with new possibilities." I have it hanging near my desk. I often need the reminder!
Bees ~ Though bees also terrify me a little bit, I love to look at the big fluffy ones that look like they'd be soft to touch. I also enjoy the fruits of the bee's labor, particularly honey.
Bread ~ Fresh bread--nothing like it.
Bananas ~ on the green side or in banana bread, or watching Baby Girl's excitement to have one to eat
B, Baby Girl's beloved babysitter ~ While Baby Girl will go to a new daycare this fall, we are so blessed that Baby Girl was in B's wonderful and loving hands for so much of her first year. I will always be grateful for that.

*Thanks to Dr. Seuss

Big A, Little a, what begins with A?

2009-07-28T12:33:00.007-05:00

Aunt Annie's alligator...A, a, A*

So I've happened upon a number of blogs lately that have been doing gratitude lists, one letter at a time. I've been overwhelmed and wanting to write, but not knowing how. This seemed like a good idea to get me going. We'll see how 26 days goes!

But here is my list for A:

A (aka Baby Girl for blog purposes) ~ she is the joy in my life, the way her whole face lights up when she sees me, the way she snuggles into my arms, says "mamam" and pats me when she's excited to see me, the way I can see her mind working as she figures things out, the toothy grin and her infectious giggle, and her love of books--so much so that I have Big A, Little a memorized (among others!)
Anniversaries ~ today is my 8th wedding anniversary, sometimes it feels like it can't possibly have been that long that we've been married and other times it feels like we've been together forever (in a good way)
Alone time ~ summer has been crazy and chaotic and basically involved no time to myself, but there have been moments and there will be moments coming up soon for which I am grateful

It seems like there should be so much more. Perhaps I'll have to come and add later today. The good news is that I'm thinking of lots of things for other letters! Maybe those will come easier.

ETA:

Automatic transmission ~ as I was driving around between nursing home visits this afternoon, I realized how grateful I am that I don't have to worry about gears or clutches and can instead go on a kind of auto-pilot and think (about things that begin with a)...oh, I'm sure I could learn to drive a manual transmission, but I'm glad I don't HAVE to
ATMs ~ not so much to get cash, but to check the balance quickly without having to enter a month of reciepts into the computer program
A (different A than Baby Girl) ~ my BFF, though somehow those letters make our relationship seem trivial. A has been my friend forever, though we didn't always know it. We were born the same day (within 2 hours) at the same hospital and our moms shared a hospital room. We went to different elementary schools, but met in junior high and became forever friends. We aren't always the best at being in touch and can go for months without communicating and years without seeing each other. But when we get together, we fall back into easy friendship. And that is a blessing.
Aunties ~ growing up, I was very close to my aunties (my mom's two sisters) and great-aunts (my grandma's sisters). Only one great-aunt is left and it's hard to make time to see my aunties, but I'm glad for the presence they all were in my life.
August ~ the month--sure, after all it is my birth month, but also the only grandpa I remember. He loved me, his baby grandchild, fiercely and protectively, especially after my dad died. Unfortunately, his mind started to leave him a few short years after that and his body not much later. He meant more to me than I can say.

*thanks to Dr. Seuss

Overwhelmed

2009-07-23T08:55:00.003-05:00

I am feeling so utterly overwhelmed by so much that I don't even know where to begin. Here's hoping that writing this post will help...if I get it written.

This spring Hubby and I decided that yes, he could do his annual summer job out of state--about an hour and half away from our home. Not that long of a distance, but for a 24/7 job that means living in a hotel room away from Baby Girl and me, long enough. And with no babysitter for the summer--since he's in education and would be home. Yeah. We thought, hoped, prayed that he'd have a principal job lined up and be able to forgo the summer job. Didn't happen. So...thankfully grandmas and friends are willing to help. But since grandmas live a distance away...it means they come to stay. And that has its own challenges. I'm still the parent and though I have help, I'm the primary caregiver. And it's a balancing act of letting grandma do things her way compared to the way I'd do them.

My mom left yesterday morning. Baby Girl and I are home alone today. Baby Girl's godmother comes for the day tomorrow. MIL comes on Saturday. Hubby will come home on Monday BUT did get a principal job, but one that doesn't require a move. He starts on Tuesday with that and we didn't line up our childcare until August 3, so MIL is staying until Friday morning.

And then, senior pastor is gone for three weeks--nearly two down near. In that time, in addition to the usual stuff, I had a wedding and now have a funeral tomorrow. Funeral tomorrow wouldn't be so bad except they are only having the visitation an hour before (deceased was 92 so most friends are gone) and have family time just before that which means they will be at the church by 8 a.m. My friend wasn't going to arrive until between 8 and 8:30 since I normally go in between 8:30 and 9. I'm going to call her today in hopes she can arrive a bit earlier. Our office manager is awesome, so she'll get the funeral home help in getting settled which helps so much. But sermon for both the funeral and the weekend is not done.

And, next week, office manager will be gone too.

Oh, and did I mention that Baby Girl is teething and/or has a cold and we are weaning. So we have Velcro Girl.

And I wanted to move 2 years ago. And now was encouraged to interview at a place about 30 minutes from here and so have to decide if I should and update my papers for a congregation if I do. And it's 30 minutes from my home in the opposite direction of the 30 minutes hubby will have to drive for his new job. And he thinks he would only stay at this job a couple years and I don't want to do that to a congregation--because even if I interviewed today, there'd be time before starting (if it was the right call in my mind and theirs) there would be transition time, so I could potentially only be there a year and then look to move and that is just not fair to a congregation. But it would be a solo position which would be good experience.

Plus I was sick the first week senior pastor was gone, so I got little done except the bare necessities and now all these things have piled up. School starts in our district on August 13, so there's lot of organizing for fall that needs to happen now. And I have jury duty on August 17th.

So...I think that about cover it. I've held off Velcro Girl while I wrote this and now she's stuck in something so will tend to her.

Few Words

2009-07-07T15:56:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was my day off and since Hubby is out of town for his summer job, Baby Girl and I were home alone all day. And, I suddenly realized, at least one reason it is so exhausting to be home with her alone all day. There are so few words.

When I'm home alone alone, I usually have the tv on for background noise. I don't want her watching tv, so I don't have it on. Other spaces, I usually have the radio on if I'm alone. When I'm in the office, even if there's no talking, I'm still surrounded by words--written though, either on computer or in books.

Baby Girl says a few words, but more or less, the only words are in the books we read (which though there are many books, the vocabularly is still quite limited) or in the words I say. And when it comes to spoken words, being surrounded by only mine--not so exciting.

Hmm, guess we should listen to the radio. But Grandma J. comes tomorrow for about 2 weeks, so there will be words again!

Quiet and Chaos

2009-07-05T19:59:00.002-05:00

It is nearly absolute quiet in my house. Baby Girl is sleeping (despite the wailing siren of the ambulance that just went by). Hubby is away--gone for the month for his summer job. Grandma J. will be coming on Wednesday to babysit while I work. So tonight through Wednesday, I'm on my own with Baby Girl. I'm sure we'll do fine, but right now the house is so quiet!

In the midst of the chaos of daily life, of poopy diapers, of little fingers getting into mischief, of balancing work and home, of not getting dishes washed or floors vacuumed, of toys spread out throughout the house and toys not as appealing as whatever it is Mommy and Daddy are trying to accomplish, I crave the quiet.

Now, in the quiet--I crave the chaos. I have forced myself to leave the tv off, to listen only to the sounds of my fingers on the keyboard, the ceiling fans whirring above my head, the cars speeding past the windows, the occasional boom of (I'm sure) illegal firework, and even that siren. (Which I wonder if will return or head another route to a hospital.) In the quiet, I feel so alone, so disconnected.

I have a to-do list a mile long. There is so much I 'should' do right now while I have the quiet and no little hands vying for my attention. But all I want to do is lose myself in something outside of my life--a tv show, a book, a magazine, a blog. I don't want to be Mommy at the moment; I don't want to be wife at the moment; and I certainly don't want to be Pastor. Those titles all feel so full of chaos.

But yet, those define me--perhaps not all of me, but me in this season. And so I guess I'll turn the tv on, tidy up some spaces, and give thanks for both the quiet and the chaos.

Sermonizing

2009-06-25T13:20:00.002-05:00

So I'm working on a sermon for this weekend that is turning out to be much more difficult than I anticipated. We are doing a new summer program for families at church this year. This Sunday's event is basically on of our usual liturgies (a contemporary-ish setting) with just a few tweaks--a few things taken out so it is shorter and song selections that are a bit more 'kid-friendly.' We decided to have no children's sermon and no 'regular' sermon, but just one. In many ways, it will be more like a children's sermon. My plan is to make a circle of parents with their kids in a circle in front of them. This way parents are still in charge of their own kids if they are wandering (instead of having all the kids up front with me). The challenging part is that I thought it would be easier to do this same sermon for our traditional services as well--now I'm not sure about that. So I'm struggling as I'm trying to write it. Plus--in theory, I'm on vacation this week, so I sorely lack motivation. I think the real reason I convinced myself it would be easier is that I just don't want to write another sermon. But, I must write at least one now!!

Really?

2009-06-23T12:10:00.003-05:00

I don't think I'm a particularly closed-minded or conservative person, but perhaps I am. All I know is that I find it very disturbing that my stepdaughter's mother allowed her to get her bellybutton pierced--at not quite 16 years old. I'm trying to put myself in her position and I just can't get to a place where I'd allow it. If Baby Girl gets her belly-button pierced once she's 18 and out of high school, I won't kick her out of the house or anything...but before that? I don't think I could allow it.

One Year

2009-05-31T20:33:00.000-05:00

One year ago at this time, I was cradling a tiny six pound bundle in my arms, wrapped in three warmed blankets. I had seen her fingers and toes from a distance, but she was so tiny they bundled her up so quick. I was aching to see those fingers and toes, but contented myself with examining her beautiful face, of holding her close, of wanting her to be warm, of the unbelievable reality of what the day had brought. Baby Girl had entered the world at 6:58 p.m.

Right now, it's 8:22 p.m. It's been a long and exhausting day. Sundays are for me anyhow, but we celebrated this little bundle today. Only one uncle (my sister's husband) was unable to be here. Baby Girl's Grandma P. and Grandpa L. (Daddy's parents), Grandma J. (my mom), Auntie K. (my sister), Uncle B. (Daddy's brother) and Auntie C. (not to be confused with Auntie K. of the same sounding name) with their two boys, Big Brother, Big Sister, and Beloved Babysitter and her husband and four boys. But I was able to snuggle my baby girl who is getting so big--23 pounds or so and kiss her beautiful face, to marvel in what those tiny fingers can do today. It was a lovely day. I hoped to write poetically about this day--which I recently found out is a lesser church festival--the day of Mary's visitation to Elizabeth, and this day this year is Pentecost. Those posts will have to wait for when I have more energy.

For now, I am so thankful for the unbelievable reality of this day--this precious Baby Girl who was given to me, entered this world one year ago today, and continually reminds me how blessed I am.

Still Here

2009-05-16T19:49:00.002-05:00

I feel like I need to write an update, comment upon the state of things right now. I debated on a title for the post and "Still Here" finally came. I guess that summarizes it...I'm still trying to decide if that's good or bad for now.

Still here--we are not moving north. The job I was a long-shot for that I agonized over (during Holy Week no less) will not be mine. And I'm okay with that...and I'm especially okay because the person who would have been my direct supervisor is someone that I dearly love and she basically told the HR department, "I don't know how you plan to do things, but I'm not leaving people hanging...I'm calling to say we aren't looking at their files anymore." We had a lovely visit and you could tell it hurt for her to say it, but in a good affirming way. And I told her that I thought I was a long-shot and really appreciated the call and knowing for sure. Now I need to get my tail in gear and email her a picture of Baby Girl. She asked...I'm not just the doting mom who thinks her baby is adorable. (And I'm not...JUST that anyway; I'm more.)

Still here--we are not moving west. The job my hubby interviewed for...well, the interview went well, but the situation was not quite what we expected. (Like no insurance coverage and not so much more income than he has now and about half the students.) His principal told him that it would be better to withdraw his name than to be offered the job and not take it. So, he called on the last day of their interviews to withdraw his name. That day I said to him, "You need to withdraw your name; I don't think it's right for us." He said, "That's what I was thinking; I just needed the push." But with no more interviews lined up, he keeps questioning the choice. And I keep saying, it was the right one. I've wanted to leave here for about 3 years--2 years ago this coming fall, I thought I was leaving. Then I turned down a call and found out I was pregnant not much later. Do I still want to move? YES. Do I want to move to a place where I can take some time off and stay home with Baby Girl? Even bigger YES. But even more, I want us both to feel like it's the right thing--or at least an okay thing. This place did not feel so okay the more we learned. And I also know--at this point in his career--I need to follow my hubby, not the other way around.

Still here--still wanting to be blogging, but finding it's the last thing to get done. I keep reading many other blogs--daily--obsessively. Really--I need an intervention I think. I have so many other things to read--books, magazines, etc. I need to get off-line. Plus, so often I find myself starting to comment and stop because I feel they turn into "all about me" moments instead of really affirming the blogger or their words. And I think..."gee, I should just write on my own blog." But I don't feel like I have anything to say...but I'm still here.

Wasting Time

2009-05-05T14:42:00.003-05:00

I'm wasting time--feel like I must stay in the office a bit longer, but I'm very distracted so know I will get nothing productive done. Right now, my husband is about 15 minutes into a job interview. We are both anxious, though he is probably calmer than me at the moment. He is such a people person (yeah...I know, says the pastor who has contact with people all the time). But he is much more energetic and outgoing, especially when meeting new people. We both really want him to get this job and both really want him not to. It's not really in an ideal location, but he'd get to be a principal and I'd get to leave my job. If he does get it, I will probably try to get a another call as there is currently a church open 20 miles from the school. But, if I don't get that, we could probably afford for me to not work or maybe get a part-time job on weekends/evenings--not church-related, or supply preach or somthing. And...for good or bad, they told him that they expect the district to close completely within a few years. (Right now there is an elementary building...at 7th grade the kids can pick one of a few neighboring districts. There is a shared superintendent; he's interviewing for the principal job.) A few years of experience would be good; then we could move where he'd really want to. Baby Girl will be in school and I could go back to work if I haven't already. I want it to go well for him, but it's scary too. "How is it living life on the edge?" a friend asked me today. I just want to know which way we'll fall off I guess. At least with schools, he'll know soon enough. Probably as early as Friday (they told him they are doing interviews Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday). So...just a bit more waiting.

Reflecting

2009-04-30T17:52:00.003-05:00

My Baby Girl is eleven months old today and I'm feeling a bit reflective, but it's not so much because of this day. A 4 month old baby girl died in my community this week. I don't know the family at all but I know people who do. Apparently she was a healthy girl and so they are saying it was SIDS. She went to the babysitter and never came home. I've been thinking about the mother especially. I love nursing my baby. There are moments I complain--I never thought my life would revolve around my breasts. But life has these eleven months. I need to know when she's eaten; I need to plan when I go somewhere if she might eat; I need to carry the pump with everyday to work; I know when it's been a long time between feedings. At the same time, though, there is nothing more restful than her gently nursing and slipping into sleep. It always calms and relaxes me too, sometimes to the point that I just fall asleep too. To be able to do this is such a gift. So I've been thinking about this mother. I don't know if she was breastfeeding or not, but I can't help but think of how awful it must be--full breasts, empty arms. My baby's getting extra love.

Friday Five--Appliance Edition

2009-04-17T10:06:00.002-05:00

1. What is the one appliance you simply couldn't be without?
Probably the microwave. I'm not much of a cook--so microwave it is. That or our toaster oven.

2. What if anything would you happily give up?
Coffee maker. I don't drink coffee, but we own one in case we ever have company who does. It is stored in the cabinet.

3. What is the most strangest household appliance you own?
I guess that would be the "Magic Bullet." My husband decided we needed one and we use it pretty regularly for smoothies.

4. What is the most luxurious household appliance you own?
I don't think any of our appliances are luxurious.

5. Tell us about your dream kitchen- the sky is the limit here....
I'm not much of a cook, so the simple appliances work for me. But maybe, if we are dreaming....how about a chef?